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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'd be interested to know who you think is being unreasonable

172 replies

HowAboutNot · 03/05/2015 13:11

I'm very close to my SIL. She and DB are expecting a boy. DB wants to call him our father's name. He passed away when we were teens so he'd like to name his son after our father if not at least use the name for a middle name. My SIL on the other hand hates this name and refuses to use it because when she was younger she had a very abusive relationship with someone that goes by the same name. She doesn't want it to be featured at all in my future nephew's name. The name isn't particularly unique but then again it's not something like Thomas or James, or any other popular name. DB thinks she should just get over it as it's not as if they're calling him Hitler (his words) but she doesn't want it. I know it greatly impacted her at the time but if calling your own son by his name will bring back traumatic memories then she's justified, IMO.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowAboutNot · 03/05/2015 18:51

From what I've heard my nephew will have both surnames. Not double barrelled they said, but he'll have my SIL's surname then DB's surname so I'm assuming her last name will be one of two middle names... though I'm not sure how that works as technically the newborn's last name will then be our surname.
Dallas No it can't because my DB is only interested in having our father's first name as his son's first name. My father's middle name doesn't interest them in the slightest, not for any name and my DB wouldn't see this as a compromise at all.
Our father's first name was a name that featured throughout the men in our lineage but it ends with my nephew now. Though as one of the first posters pointed out I could still use it should I have a ds.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 03/05/2015 18:56

Maybe using that name will exorcise the demons. I understand both points of view but think I slightly lean towards DBs if name is used as a middle name.

CapnMurica · 03/05/2015 18:58

Has he even thought about what your father might have wanted?

My dad would NEVER want me to use his name if it genuinely caused problems for the other parent.

Your brother is being cruel. I can't imagine how i would have felt had my DH insisted on the name of my abuser for one of our sons.

Original poster
HowAboutNot · 03/05/2015 18:59

And by they way, DB's second middle name is our dad's first name! But I'm standing by SIL like I said. I just need to figure out how to talk my DB into understanding it. Like someone said, I'm not usually involved in their marital affairs but this issue involves all of us, for SIL the man that she once spent months crying on my shoulder over and for DB the man that he once respected the most.

OP posts:
PicaK · 03/05/2015 19:00

Your db is completely and utterly in the wrong. Maybe he needs a little time to work through the disappointment of something not happening that he always thought would happen. But he needs to put his wife first and apologise.

morningsarepants · 03/05/2015 19:03

I'm on SIL's side here. Would be awful to have a constant reminder

Tizwailor · 03/05/2015 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lemonyone · 03/05/2015 19:05

Your brother sounds like he has the empathetic ability of a slowworm.

What a selfish man. If he wants to honour his father then he surely could find another way that doesn't mean that his partner needs to confront her abusive past on a daily basis. I'm sorry that he lost the father he loved, but it sounds as though he loves the memory of his father more than the reality of his wife.

OrangeVase · 03/05/2015 19:10

Agree with SiL.
PPs have some good suggestions - use different form of name, run marathon in DFs name, use DFs last name/middle name

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 03/05/2015 19:11

You want a way to talk to your brother op? This is what I'd say to mine (if in your situation)

'It's lovely you want to carry the name on, but its not the end of the world. I'm so disappointed that you would choose to hurt sil in such a way over this name, our dad wouldn't be pleased either. People live on in the way we choose to remember them, not in the name they have. This baby is the futurefuture of our family, you name him this and all it will remind sil is of a terrible past, not the happy.one you had. To honour our dad, be the best husband you can be. Apologise for being insensitive, find a new name together.'

Actually, if it was my brother, there would be a lot more 'fucks sakes' and 'stop being a twat'. But that's just me.

Original poster
HowAboutNot · 03/05/2015 19:12

And for those that asked about what my father would do or say if he knew. (Thanks for the tears, I didn't want to cry) but he was a great man. If he thought for a second that he would bring any hurt on his descendants he'd be horrified! He wouldn't sleep until he'd sorted things out, he'd be the first to wrangle DB into seeing sense, he'd probably have given SIL a hug first. That's the kind of man he was.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowAboutNot · 03/05/2015 19:14

But his name mean a lot to me and my DB. But I do see where she is coming from. So I will, as another poster mentioned kick his ass into view!

OP posts:
lemonyone · 03/05/2015 19:14

That last post HowAbout, is what you should say to your DB. Very eloquently said.
Forcing an 'honour' on another person is not honouring anyone, least of all your dad.

oneowlgirl · 03/05/2015 19:17

I do feel for your brother though - he wants to honour your dad, not upset SIL. Just a pity that's what's happened.

Zucker · 03/05/2015 19:19

Your brother is being cruel and extremely unreasonable.

Christ almighty does he want to take the slightest chance that every time his wife says the child's name her abuser will flash though her mind.

Zucker · 03/05/2015 19:20

Just a thought but can the name be put into any other language or does the name have any meaning that is also carried in another name?

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/05/2015 19:23

Your ddad sounds like he was a truly lovely man Flowers

It's about time DB stopped obsessing over a name, and started being the husband your ddad raised him to be.

Good luck. I know this must have raised a lot of painful feelings for you all. But SIL is here, now, and she needs her pain to be recognised. I'm sure Your DB doesn't want to be a part of continuing to hurt her.

When it comes to names both have to agree. If one person doesn't like a name it's not an option. No matter what the reason.

mewkins · 03/05/2015 19:26

Your sil is perfectly within her rights to refuse any name for her child, as is your brother. Why not use your dad's middle name as a middle name for their son?

NotNowBono · 03/05/2015 19:30

It doesn't really touch on the emotional impact, and I honestly don't mean to make light or sound cruel, but the only parallel that I can think of, if you're going to try to talk him round, is to say something along the lines of 'what if Mum had been assaulted by a family friend called Steve, and SIL was insistent that since Steve was her dad's name, that what you should call your son. Would you be happy about that? Would you worry about DM having the daily reminder of an awful experience?'

It sounds as if your father would be generous enough to pass up the honour to spare his DIL's feelings. He sounds like a lovely man - as others have said, this little act of consideration is a much better memorial to him than a name.

Original poster
HowAboutNot · 03/05/2015 19:42

Thanks FuckYouChris your name is one of the best NN on Mnet!!! I've followed your story closely so I hope you managed to get all your shit together in the end! When is the party on the land, I'll bring the champagne!

Thanks for the general consensus that SIL is in the right... I was feeling torn because my brother is my brother and he is very close to me and like my SIL had asked me, he'd asked me to talk to her. It's been over 15 years since she knew the abusive man so everyone thought she was over it. But the point about bonding with her newborn is something I hadn't thought about. That alone is enough to make to bulldoze DB.

Please don't curse my DB. He is very difficult in more ways than one but he has only ever loved me, our father and his wife. In fact I introduced them. But I'll make him see sense, our father would have done the same. In fact our dad would have found it hilarious whereas I'm finding it sad. But thanks for input!

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/05/2015 19:42

Bono :( it would be really sad if DB could understand the hypothetical pain caused to his mother in that scenario, having dismissed the actual pain of his DW.

He should give a crap about the pain he's causing. That should be the only reason he needs to let his obsession go. It's worrying that it's not.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/05/2015 19:45

Xpost :)

I know posters have said that it's not your business, but they involved you, and I'm really glad you're going to stand up for SIL.

I'm liking the sound of your ddad more and more. Maybe you could all do something to honour him when ds is born? Plant a tree to mark his birth and his grandad? Something like that?

It's hard when you have dcs. You want them to have known your ddad, and to share them with him in some way. You can still do this :) tell them about how amazing he was and share the things he loved with them.

I'll save you some champagne :o

hedgehogsdontbite · 03/05/2015 20:04

I've had nothing to do with my abusive ex for 25 years and I still can't even speak his name, and that's despite years and years of therapy. For lots of people the wounds inflicted by abusers never truely heal. It doesn't take much, a sound, a smell, a name, and you're right back in that place again. I honesty can't imagine how I'd feel if DH told me to get over it. I think I'd feel betrayed and so alone. Your poor SIL :(

blushingbooty · 03/05/2015 20:11

Your Dbro is not being unreasonable to wish he could use your dad's name but he should know better then to want to use it given the history your SIL has with the same name. Ask your brother if he thinks it's a lovely thing to insist on naming their son with a name that would hurt her deeply and forever remind her not of your father but of her abuser.

He is very very unreasonable. It's a very cruel thing he is trying to argue her into, it could affect her bonding with the baby, it would definitely give her negative thoughts and remind her of the trauma. Is that what he wants? Her to always be reminded of her abuse? Because that's what your DNephew's name will be.

I know you understand your Dbro's feelings on this but I really can't see how this isn't a very simple obvious he is being unreasonable to you by arguing for it. What about the father's middle name as the baby's middle name?

Sod it, I'd show him this thread and how unreasonable everyone thinks he is being by acting this way.

LaLyra · 03/05/2015 20:13

She may very well be 'over' the abuse, but that doesn't mean that the memories are not there, locked away in her brain ready to jump out at her like a reminder.

I was 7 the last time my father abused me. I've had counselling, have a happy marriage and I like to think I'm a good mum. I am 'over it'. However at a wake 2 years ago an old man passed me and he wore the same aftershave. I can't/couldn't have told you what aftershave it is, what it's called, but by christ did I suddenly remember the smell.

Your brother is asking his wife to say and hear that name numerous times a day. If she had been attacked by a dog as a child would he expect her to live with a dog when it scared her? If he was a decent guy probably not. If she had a phobia of spiders would he insist on keeping a pet tarantula? Probably not.

He needs to realise that this isn't a case of he not liking a name he likes. He needs to realise that this is a name that will make her brain click into an action she has no control over. Once he realises what he's asked I hope he apologises.

The best way of honouring an amazing Dad will be to be an amazing Dad himself. I bet that would make your Dad more proud than a name.

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