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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU.. Holiday costs? Splitting accommodation dosh.

314 replies

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 02/05/2015 07:12

Here's the deal...

A group of us are going to mainland Europe and hiring a villa in August .

We are two couples (one room each) and a a family with teenage kids (3 rooms).

To get a villa large enough without having to tolerate delightfully messy teenagers sleeping on floor, we've had to go up a price band.

Also the 'family' mum has insisted on an extra room so she can have her old friends that are native to the country to stay an odd few days here and there.. We have never met these people.

We are also travelling in Aug aroubd the kids holidays...we have sucked up the extra cost of travelling at peak time so we can all holiday together.

So we are booking a 6 bedroomed villa.. In August.

we have had a email with our proposed cost per couple/family...the total amount has been divided by 3..AIBU to be Hmm about this?

How would people divide this the most fairly? .. Without being seen as either petty or being taken advantage of..?

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 04/05/2015 04:35

To be honest Op I think you could be overthinking all this a tad now.

It is Mr not Bossy who is your friend. He bumped into your Oh he was fine with him ....understanding etc. To be honest if you aren't that keen on her.... Or their dc at the moment then surely a holiday is to be avoided anyway Confused

Lucky escape

Original poster
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 04/05/2015 04:36

Meant mature

OP posts:
FishWithABicycle · 04/05/2015 04:42

I think we need to find ways of seeing him either on his own more
Find a pub with a regular quiz. Form up a team with a clear shortfall of knowledge in an area of his expertise. Insist he joins. Ideally ensure that all areas of her specialist knowledge are covered by other team members and that there is a maximum team size so you can reasonably not invite her.

FishWithABicycle · 04/05/2015 04:45

P.S. No you should not be feeling bad about this. You have done exactly right. Going along with these crazy plans would only have led to tears in the long run.

OhWotIsItThisTime · 04/05/2015 04:53

Don't feel bad. You should feel elated as you've had a lucky escape. If you had gone, then your friendship would probably have been over with her nice oh.

So think if it in terms of preserving your relationship.

Original poster
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 04/05/2015 05:48

Yes i deffo think I have had a lucky escape!

Perhaps I am over thinking... I've had this in my head too much over the weekend!

OP posts:
6031769 · 04/05/2015 06:01

Wat r the other couple doing? Is family now proposing to split 50:50 with them?

blushingbooty · 04/05/2015 09:54

Sounds like a very lucky escape OP.

VelvetRose · 04/05/2015 10:12

Just think how much worse it would feel if you'd gone along with it. All that money spent on something you can't afford and may not even enjoy. She was taking the piss anyway!

Fox28 · 04/05/2015 10:23

You've had a lucky escape believe me! I'm still feeling bitter about our long weekend away last year...

Me, DH, Dd (8 months) Bil, wife, their 2 children (8 & 3) and mil. Bil wife arranged it all...

We rented a 4 bed house. 1 room for mil, one for the 2 children, one for Bil & wife and one for me, DH and dd to share. Cost of renting was split between the adults (so we paid 2/5) which I was a bit Hmm about although as the children were so young maybe that's fair enough? But a bit annoying the 3 of us had to share.

But AFTER the holiday, we were asked to pay 2/5 of the food bill which I don't think was fair. (Bil wife happy to sort it and us reimburse). Their 2 children eat masses of crap and it was insisted that bil have a bigger portion than anyone else at every meal, even DH Hmm (DH is a bigger build than him). Plus we took a huge box with DD's food in with us, so she didn't cost them a penny.

I couldn't say anything as its Dh's family and he hates confrontation but it just didn't sit right with me. Bil's family are very well off too, much more so than us or mil. He wants to do the holiday every year but I don't think I'll be going again in a hurry!

Icimoi · 04/05/2015 10:24

Absolutely no reason to feel guilty. I still have difficulty getting my head round someone who thought it was reasonable to split costs equally when their family were taking 4 out of 6 rooms.

To be honest, I think you're better off out of shared holidays even without that issue, no matter how good the friends are. We swore never again after a long weekend with two old university friends and their families. It was stress from beginning to end. One of the mothers was very strict about her DC's bedtimes and simply put them to bed and left them, and clearly had no tolerance for the fact that DS2, who was then around 3, was worried about the change of routine and changed surroundings and wanted me to sit with him for a bit. The other mum contributed minimally to cooking, catering or anything and controlling Mum spent the weekend bitching about her. It was the last straw when I found controlling Mum interrogating my DC about whether they'd cleaned their teeth. We couldn't wait to leave.

Fox28 · 04/05/2015 10:26

Plus I didn't enjoy the holiday. We had to do what they wanted to do the whole time, none of which was really suitable with an 8 month old. If it was my own family I would've been upfront and just said "nah we don't fancy that we're doing xyz today" but DH would've been mortified.

Redlocks28 · 04/05/2015 10:28

If you don't like bossy and you're not very keen on the children, I am surprised you ever discussed going away with them!

Who were the other couple? Have you heard from them since you pulled out?

AuditAngel · 04/05/2015 10:36

We went on a cruise last year, 5 of us plus MIL. The plan was doe DS (our eldest, and an easy child) to share with MIL, pay the full price for him, we wanted inside cabin, but we're happy for Zmil to choose an outside (she didn't, but I think she wished she had).

The agent suggested one of the girls goung in with MIL and DS do she travelled as "their" free child place. This saved us money.

But, we cleared it with MIL first, we also all ate together, I tidied up in their cabin behind them, not leaving it all to MIL.

We have also got caught in the past buying all the good. 2 of us plus 2 pre-schoolers, 2 other adults plus children a bit older, but eating a lot more. DH had to pull his DB up on this a the food cost us more than double what it would have been just for us (to say nothing if getting lumbered with their kids every day.....)

Dowser · 04/05/2015 10:56

Oh well done OP.
It's a bit scary isn't it putting your neck on the line and saying no when you usually just go along with things.

It does get easier.

I did a women's assertiveness course years ago and it was the best thing I ever did.

It also taught me to respect other people's rights to say no as well.

It also taught me when confronted with a difficult situation to buy myself some thinking time.
It's fine to say let me have a think about it. We ( oh ) and I need to go away and discuss it, do some costings and get back to you etc

Reasonable people are happy to treat other people reasonably. The outcome in any situation is for there to be a win/ win situation. Maybe when the heat has gone out of the situation you could suggest an overnight stay in a hotel with swimming pool/ spa/ nice bar or out of season at centre parcs where you share 50/50 with other couple and the other family have their own villa. ( I'd speak to other couple first about that suggestion).

Actually just thinking there. I wonder if bossy pants main idea in choosing a villa in this location was primarily to hook up with other couple who live or are visiting there. I wouldnt be at all surprised especially when there are so many wonderful holidays to choose from with everything on tap so to speak.

Anyway be very proud of yourself for taking control of a situation that was getting out of hand.

mamababa · 04/05/2015 11:09

The 'extra' room for the visitors needs to be ditched or paid for.

You have two options. Either divide it by number of bedrooms, or by person.

We go away with friends and kids and they have one child, we have two. For the food bills etc we split it in a ratio of 3:2.5, kids are counted as 0.5 each. (But they are all under 9!) teenagers are surely and adult?

annielouise · 04/05/2015 11:19

Don't feel guilty but don't expect a reply from her - she's rude and you've foiled her in her plans to find contibutors to her holiday so I don't she'll have the courtesy of emailing you to say, I understand and not to worry. I think it highlights what sort of person she is. Your problem, and most of ours, is we expected her to behave how we would so you expect a reply. She's a different kettle of fish. Enjoy her not getting back in touch. You've had a lucky escape. Meet up in September and swap holiday notes. I'd love to hear she had a terrible time with whoever got roped in.

annielouise · 04/05/2015 11:19

"so I don't think..." in the sentence above.

rookiemere · 04/05/2015 11:47

Be very afraid OP.

Bossymum may be trying to find cheaper villa that will fit all of you Grin !

AyeAmarok · 04/05/2015 12:16

Can we call her Villazilla? Grin

rookiemere · 04/05/2015 13:10

Villazilla - excellent Grin

FeelingSmurfy · 04/05/2015 13:43

I think you need to focus on your earlier comment of feeling more guilty if your OH had to work extra hours to replace the money spent on this holiday (which wouldn't feel like a holiday anyway so totally wasted money!) You have NO reason to feel guilty for cancelling

ChasedByBees · 04/05/2015 14:30

Definitely don't feel guilty. I would contact the other couple - perhaps with a "hope it's not spoiled your holiday plans, the costs just weren't working for us" so you keep that line of communication open and work to protect that friendship.

paxtecum · 04/05/2015 14:51

Op: don't feel guilty about it.
They can always do what some of us do who can't afford an expensive holiday and that's have a caravan holiday in Wales!

Original poster
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 04/05/2015 15:23

Love idea of villazilla Grin... Not while I'm in her orbit though....

Many thanks for all the accounts of holidays gone wrong due to money issues/general thoughtlessness. Sorry for all your horrible wasted and expensive holidays. Makes me feel lessConfused and stressed about pulling out!

To answer upthread - no not yet heard from other couple but I think they were at the beach today. I'm pretty sure they will contact us.

What is it with people? - just being con artists? Thinking they can just manipulate people into paying for THEIR holiday!

I really have no issue having a fairly loose arrangements....eg I'm not going to have a stand off with paying an extra few pounds on a meal.. Assuming it kind of equals out over time...

I guess the scales have fallen massively from my eyes... The holiday seemed a nice idea at the time. I feel a bit foolish tbh.

I think it makes me feel a bit/probably massively, resentful at the thought of someone starting out with the intention of purposely avoiding paying their share /doing their fair share of holiday tasks.. And manipulating everything around their wishes.

Also, is it just a stunning lack of awareness re the impact of their behaviour on others? Yes, gosh the place does look like a tip - yes the kids were up til 4 with their drum and bass music.(smiles indulgently) .. Yes well we are off now for the day.. Perhaps the kids will clean up their mess before they go to the pool... (or you can do it if you're that bothered). Oh yes and we thought we could all muck in and do a large meal tonight... We are missing some (most) of the ingredients....so you could pop down to the shops.. Here's a list we did.... It's cash only there... We haven't had time to go to the bank so we'll settled up at some point. So if you could prep the food and we'll start cooking, we should be back by 5 (they stroll in at 7 to a now prepared, cooked and paid for 3.course meal). well it was such fun at the town, and we thought we would stay out a bit longer as its such a lovely day, Sorry we had no signal to ring you.. Grrrr...

Aaargh! Mg

OP posts:
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