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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to have someone pay their way?

180 replies

Suffdad79 · 01/05/2015 12:15

I realise this could go down a gender expectation rabbit hole but please bear with me as I do really want to have a female perspective on it:

I'm divorced with two children who I'm lucky and see a lot of and, since the split, I have taken them on holiday a couple of times. Both really nice holidays but would have been nice to have shared them with some grown up company.

Anyway, I am now something of an item with someone I have known a long time and we thought it would be great for the 4 of us to go on holiday together this summer. One of the things I've always known about her was her independence and how she's always working and saying that she would never want to be reliant on a man - that's actually a very attractive quality after being with someone for 9 years who didn't actually contribute anything to the relationship and left a financial apocalypse at the end of it and who happily spent every penny I earned. And yet...

The final balance for the holiday is due and not one penny has so far been forthcoming so i've had to pay the lot today - I'm obviously paying for me and my kids and she was going to pay for herself. Am I likely to see any of that money or am I being taken for a mug? I have a feeling I'm going to do that British thing of letting it slide for the sake of politeness...

Luckily I have a good job, a reasonable lifestyle and I'm making headway in rebuilding my life but I swore to myself I would never again get into any relationship where it wasn't completely equal. I genuinely think that if I end up paying for this, there is no future with her as I'm just setting the tone for the future - again.
Am I being unreasonable about this or should I just accept that, as a man, I'm a walking wallet?

OP posts:
Hakluyt · 03/05/2015 12:55

Fascinating how women can defend other women in a profoundly anti feminist way. I've never thought about that before...

Andylion · 03/05/2015 15:12

Certainly I'd be stalling payment for a holiday that would involve quite a lot of compromise on my part.......

Mumbehavingbadly, how would stalling help? If you, or the OP's GF, really didn't want to go, then the appropriate thing would be to tell him.

dance the night away with snake hipped guys who treat her like a lady.

gag

TheChandler · 03/05/2015 17:00

TroutQuintet You don't sound like the great catch you believe yourself to be, you sound cynical, bitter and mean. I think she would be better off not going TBH!

Clearly, the OP labours under the impression, that having failed to find a woman first time round who will work full time in a highly paid career to fund his lifestyle as a working family man, while caring for 3 children (and those women do exist, he just didn't find one), he might be more successful second time around. But according to the OP, his personal choices, and personal limits of attractiveness to women mean that the majority of womankind are golddiggers, ever ready to pin their financial futures on a middle manager on average pay (or whatever).

That is the rather nasty, and agenda-laden message underlying the OP's posts. Anyone is capable of getting payment sorted out in the circumstances presented, without all this carry on.

Its also really relevant what proportion or share the OP's girlfriend is being asked for her. Presumably it is one quarter? And not more than that, because of the children costing less...

Hakluyt · 03/05/2015 17:05

Just checking- are people saying that it's OK to enthusiastically commit to a joint plan which costs money, agree to pay your share, then let the other person stump up the whole lot, despite reminders, and vaguely offer to pay "next week"? Really?????????

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/05/2015 18:03

Thechandler

The OP said that she was only paying for herself.

I seems that a fair few posters on the thread believe that its only ok to try for a fair and equal relationship if you are a woman.

HelenaDove · 03/05/2015 19:37

Cabrinha there are still some people who dont do direct debit or internet banking. It could be that shes planning to go to the bank on Tuesday after the May bank holiday.

Stitchintime1 · 03/05/2015 19:42

It's all most odd. Early to be going on holiday with your children and for two weeks too.

I think she should have coughed up as you were going along. And I think you have to be able to talk money with someone in your life.

As for the ex, it's easy to let one bad experience determine how you see all women. Try not to let it.

My guess is that your girlfriend doesn't really want to go and doesn't know how to tell you.

Stitchintime1 · 03/05/2015 19:44

And ignore all that golden womb stuff about your ex having giving birth and carried the babies for nine long months etc... I presume you both wanted children and had children and here they are. Nobody was doing anyone a favour or needed paying.

Coyoacan · 03/05/2015 20:22

Fascinating how women can defend other women in a profoundly anti feminist way. I've never thought about that before

This

Just checking- are people saying that it's OK to enthusiastically commit to a joint plan which costs money, agree to pay your share, then let the other person stump up the whole lot, despite reminders, and vaguely offer to pay "next week"? Really?????????

And this!

In the bad old days, men were expected to pay because either women didn't work or they earned substantially less than men because of gender discrimination.

But here we have a man who has financial responsability for three children being expected to invite a woman in a well-paid job with no dependants and because called all manner of things for not doing so.

We also have lots of people who don't fancy the idea of having a holiday with another person's children who are assuming that she doesn't either, so it is ok that she agreed to go and pay, but pulls out after he has paid.

Whao! just whao

And yes, the OP did refer badly to his ex and we could have a long discussion about the rights and wrongs of that, but that is not what this thread is about.

Momagain1 · 03/05/2015 20:32

You should have asked her for her share when the deposit was made.

If you want an equal relationship, you need to communicate, not make assumptions about what either of you want, expect, or are planning. Begin as you mean to go on.

Stitchintime1 · 03/05/2015 20:45

I thought he had asked and she kept fobbing him off.

Gabilan · 03/05/2015 21:52

I know for a fact that women weigh men up in this way

We do? Note to self: you've been doing it wrong.

Pastaeater · 03/05/2015 22:01

Please keep us updated with this OP - I would like to know if you ever actually get the money!

2rebecca · 04/05/2015 06:40

I find it hard to know how much she is avoiding paying and how much the payment may have just been vaguely mentioned in passing.
It has now been definitely raised and she has said (not vaguely) that she WILL pay him this week.
If she doesn't I would then discuss with her whether or not she really wants to go on this holiday.
I would rather go with just me and my kids than with a bloke who expected me to pay for everything, so don't see why the OP's alternative he gives himself is to accept it may be his treat and let it go for a quiet life.
If you don't want to feel financially taken advantage of then you don't let people take advantage of you.
If she doesn't pay she doesn't come on holiday and the relationship is over.
I agree that if I was 1 of 4 people going on a holiday I would only expect to pay my share and not contribute to the kids' holiday unless the relationship was far enough on that we had joint finances and I regarded them as my stepkids.
I presume exactly how much she pays had been agreed when the holiday was booked though.

zoobaby · 04/05/2015 09:37

So Suff you've copped the inevitable gender stuff thrown at you, as predicted in your first post. Anyway... just wanted to offer my perspective. My DP is incredibly generous and has sufficient funds and always has input in to planning holidays etc, but he is absolutely hopeless when it comes to paying. I have to remind him so often it's not funny. But in the end he always pays up. Maybe your new partner is just like this? Give her a chance since this is your first holiday. But do take appropriate action if she is taking the piss. You said it's a deal breaker so stick to yourguns and ditch her if required. You don't have to justify why particular personality traits are attractive for your new partner to possess.

pod78 · 04/05/2015 09:40

Yes Coyoacan!

But also, it is entirely possible that his ex was acutally a complete leach and they did not have a good relationship. Going by the responses of many women here, it actually proves that this is not just possisble but quite likely!

revealall · 04/05/2015 12:57

Does it matter his reasons for wanting her to pay though? I would have thought that discussing the holiday and her agreement to pay whatever share was enough to expect she would.
Suffdad79 has explained that the booking could be paid anytime and he had left it to the very last day and still no money had appeared. That's just rude in my book. In fact I would have given her 5 days notice to come with the money and then paid for just the four of them. If she couldn't afford it then she has to communicate that not expect him to guess her reasons for non payment.
I don't think it unreasonable she pays to come. Whether it be a shared holiday with someone else's kids, unknown friends or whoever else,she agreed to come along. It's early days in their relationship ( although friends for a while). Perhaps she does equate being a couple with him paying as opposed to friends that split bills.

RayGamma · 04/05/2015 18:12

Sorry for that lack of updates - been on nights this weekend and last one tonight. Some of the comments are amazing for all the wrong reasons! Especially like the one about my 'limited attractiveness' and status as a 'middle manager' on 'average pay'! Brilliant! It's amazing what can be inferred about someone from a post!

The issue isn't that I can't afford to give someone a nice lifestyle and good things without them having to earn a penny - I've been doing it for 10 years after all. That was meant humorously by the way! ;-)

The issue is that I would like to do things differently this time around and I'm concerned that this relationship could start as it means to go on and that doesn't feel fair to me. That was why I was checking under AIBU.

PeachyPants · 04/05/2015 18:14

Is that a name change fail OP?

RayGamma · 04/05/2015 18:15

Always good to mix it up! ha ha!

PeachyPants · 04/05/2015 18:20

I like to keep the same user name for about 6months but post under a different UN if I'm asking for advice on family issues as I wouldn't want anyone I know IRL to join the dots (I know my sister is on MN but I've never been able to spot her). Just giving you the heads up in-case it was unintentional and you wanted to change it.

HappenstanceMarmite · 11/05/2015 17:39

Update please OP. Did she stump up then?

Original poster
Suffdad79 · 12/05/2015 15:08

Still no money. I have sent her a text just now as I need a decision. I've been nice about it because we are friends after all but I'm not prepared to pay at the end of the day so she needs to decide if she's coming or not.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 12/05/2015 15:23

OK, she's taking the piss now.
The text last week should have been
'Holiday all paid for, please transfer £400, my account details are XXXXXXX. Can't wait, should be good fun' blah blah blah
Maybe she really just doesn't have the money right now, which is fine as long as he tells you that and you have a date she can pay.
Seems very odd.
I'd be paying ASAP if it was me.

angelos02 · 12/05/2015 15:27

I don't believe she is genuinely forgetting after this many reminders.