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Original poster

To want to have someone pay their way?

180 replies

Suffdad79 · 01/05/2015 12:15

I realise this could go down a gender expectation rabbit hole but please bear with me as I do really want to have a female perspective on it:

I'm divorced with two children who I'm lucky and see a lot of and, since the split, I have taken them on holiday a couple of times. Both really nice holidays but would have been nice to have shared them with some grown up company.

Anyway, I am now something of an item with someone I have known a long time and we thought it would be great for the 4 of us to go on holiday together this summer. One of the things I've always known about her was her independence and how she's always working and saying that she would never want to be reliant on a man - that's actually a very attractive quality after being with someone for 9 years who didn't actually contribute anything to the relationship and left a financial apocalypse at the end of it and who happily spent every penny I earned. And yet...

The final balance for the holiday is due and not one penny has so far been forthcoming so i've had to pay the lot today - I'm obviously paying for me and my kids and she was going to pay for herself. Am I likely to see any of that money or am I being taken for a mug? I have a feeling I'm going to do that British thing of letting it slide for the sake of politeness...

Luckily I have a good job, a reasonable lifestyle and I'm making headway in rebuilding my life but I swore to myself I would never again get into any relationship where it wasn't completely equal. I genuinely think that if I end up paying for this, there is no future with her as I'm just setting the tone for the future - again.
Am I being unreasonable about this or should I just accept that, as a man, I'm a walking wallet?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 01/05/2015 13:38

I don't hear anywhere that you've actually asked her for the money.

You've talked about the money but you only actually paid today. So when you see her next tell her you've paid the balance, show her the receipt and give her your bank details.

For all we know she doesn't believe you've booked it and SHES been burned before.

hibbledibble · 01/05/2015 13:39

It sounds like you haven't asked her directly to pay.

Have you told her you have paid, and asked when she will pay her share?

TheBoov · 01/05/2015 13:41

Was yesterday pay day? Just be very clear. Even to the extent of "oy, come on, pay up".

popalot · 01/05/2015 13:48

I think you've been quite clear about her paying half. She should either have 1. paid up by now or 2. given you a reason why she couldn't, but a date for when she can. That is common courtesy.

She has done neither, which is odd. It does point in the direction of her being a bit of a freeloader and hoping not to pay up. If she was intending on paying she would have done either of the above, not keep fobbing you off with 'yeah, I know' and then not giving you any money or a date for when she can get it to you.

Can you take anyone else? your mum or a friend? just in case she is freeloading. You shouldn't take her if she has no intention to pay.

SorchaN · 01/05/2015 14:00

If it were my relationship, the conversation would have gone something like this:
Partner: I made the holiday booking today.
Me: Oh great! When's the balance due? And what do I owe you?
Partner: It's due on 1 May, and all together it's [amount].
Me: Well, I get paid on 30 April, so can I give it to you then? I'll pay half because obviously the kids aren't earning.
Partner: Sounds good to me.
And then on 30 April I would have contacted my partner to give him the money. It's not difficult.

If I were in your shoes, OP, I'd go ahead with the holiday, enjoy it as much as possible, and if the money isn't forthcoming from the girlfriend, I'd consider it a not-too-expensive lesson and let the relationship fizzle out. Better to find out now than spend years resenting someone.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 01/05/2015 14:01

The balance was due today. The poor woman has done nothing wrong yet...she could well have set a reminder on her phone to transfer the balance after she's finished work.

The silly fact is, she's got the rest of the day to transfer the balance on time but the OP has already come to an online forum setting himself up as a 'walking wallet', talking about how his ex didn't contribute and conveniently failing to answer a lot of questions...such as whether he's asked her for the money today now the balance has been paid and what her response is.

Something smells off and it's not the girlfriend.

Songofsixpence · 01/05/2015 14:05

If I'd been planning a holiday with someone for a year and I knew I had a financial contribution to make and it was not agreed that the other person would pay in full and then I would pay them back, then I would have paid long before they had to, rather than just assume they'd take care of it!

Yes, so would I, but as far as I can understand, the balance wasn't actually due until today.

If we're saving/budgeting for a holiday, I'd work out how many pay days we had before the balance was due, and see how much I'd need to put away each month. Perhaps she was waiting for payday for the last bit. If she was saving up perhaps she wasn't able to pay her share earlier

I can understand being a bit wary if you've already been burnt, but it was only due/paid today, I wouldn't assume she's not going to pay yet. Maybe she's at work and hasn't had a chance to do a bank transfer yet, or are you seeing her later and shes planning on going to the cash point on the way home

rookiemere · 01/05/2015 14:06

I'm not sure that I got that right sorchaN, but it seems like if you went on holiday with a partner with kids, you'd pay half of their share as well - why on earth would you do that?

OP, I think you need to chill a little - it does sound as if you are bitter from previous experiences.

When you next meet your partner have your bank details written down along with a print out of the payment and confirmation of her share and then say something along the lines outlined above i.e. Your share if you're still up for coming is £xxx, here's the bank details, would you be able to put it in this weekend ?

Hope it goes well for you.

Fudgeface123 · 01/05/2015 14:08

cupidstunt he asked her for the money weeks ago so he could book it, she didn't come through with the money. He has said he's asked for it a few times and she's said yeah yeah I haven't forgotten

FenellaFellorick · 01/05/2015 14:10

Yes, but in order for the balance to be paid, the money has to be there. Her portion isn't which means in order for it to be paid, he must pay it and then get it back from her. It doesn't sound like that was the agreement. He says he has asked her for the money several times. It shouldn't get to the last possible day to book and no money forthcoming which means he has to lay it out first when it's very clear that wasn't the agreement because if it was, he wouldn't have been asking her for the money and reminding her of the cut off date.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 01/05/2015 14:14

See, my 'holiday strategy' is I transfer some money to a separate account each month. I set myself a reminder for the balance due date and on the day it's due I go and pay it. Whatever's left is holiday spends. OP has not had to pay anything on her behalf just yet as there's 10 hours of the day left. He's asked her about the money previously and she's assured him she hasn't forgotten about it. Where exactly is the problem???

Number3cometome · 01/05/2015 14:14

Text her now OP, let us know what she says Wink

Royalsighness · 01/05/2015 14:16

I see posts like this and can't comprehed how you could be open enough with someone to lay with them, have sex with them and be an "item" with them but not ask them if they have the money to pay for their holiday?

If her not paying for the holiday is a "deal breaker" why are you introducing her to your kids and going away with her before you are really sure this is what you want? And the way you talk about your ex is really something else!

Songofsixpence · 01/05/2015 14:19

See, my 'holiday strategy' is I transfer some money to a separate account each month. I set myself a reminder for the balance due date and on the day it's due I go and pay it. Whatever's left is holiday spends. OP has not had to pay anything on her behalf just yet as there's 10 hours of the day left. He's asked her about the money previously and she's assured him she hasn't forgotten about it. Where exactly is the problem???

^^ Yes!

Aeroflotgirl · 01/05/2015 14:25

I would definitely remind her that she has to pay.

SorchaN · 01/05/2015 14:30

rookiemere, yes, in this scenario I'd expect to pay half because the kids can't pay for themselves. I've actually done this before when going on holiday with other people's kids, and I think it's fair enough. It helped that I liked the kids! I think if you're close enough to spend two weeks on holiday together then you're close enough to split the cost of the kids, but maybe I'm odd.

Notyouagaintoday · 01/05/2015 14:31

Just ask her if she still wants to go and how much it is. I'd personally be harbouring resentment otherwise since by what you have said, you have already mentioned it to her.

Cabrinha · 01/05/2015 14:33

For the love of god, just call her and say "I paid for the holiday today, so I need your £x. Do you want my bank details?"

She just be irritatingly faffy person, and you hadn't ACTUALLY paid yet.
She could have over committed and be scared to say so.
She could be a golddigga with no intention of paying for her free ride.

Who knows?
Just blots ask her for the money!

Original poster
Suffdad79 · 01/05/2015 14:36

Just off the phone from talking to her so I can confirm that we're both on the same page and we definitely both know that I paid the balance today and she's going to give me the money next week apparently.

Royalsighness, the holiday is in no way a 'deal breaker' here. I may well have been happy to pay for her if that was the conversation we had last year. More generally, I want to be in an equal relationship so that me buying things for my girlfriend is something nice that I can do for her and not just an obligation.

OP posts:
AndWhenYouGetThere · 01/05/2015 14:37

Are you sure she wants to come with you? She might not see it as much of a holday if she's looking after someone else's kids, and paying for the privilage. Yes, she should have been upfront with you though.

Cabrinha · 01/05/2015 14:38

Well, your use of the word "apparently" shows you don't 100% trust that to happen.
Is this not a single incident?

Original poster
Suffdad79 · 01/05/2015 14:40

Sorcha, I don't feel she needs to pay for my kids. If further down the line we were living together and contributing to joint finances, it would be a different kettle of fish obviously.

They're my responsibility and I'm happy to be in a position where I can do this for them. They deserve these holidays because it's been an unpleasant couple of years for them and they're good kids.

OP posts:
CupidStuntSurvivor · 01/05/2015 14:43

Right then, now you can be irritated. Has she said why she can't give the money to you on time given she's had ages to save?

Original poster
Suffdad79 · 01/05/2015 14:45

And she isn't going to be 'looking after' my kids. That's my job. Her job is to relax, have a good time and get a sun tan.data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhEwATAJECAAAAAP//AP///wAAACH5BAEAAAIALAAAAAATABMAAAI6lI+pyw3/2nmh1siA3XdpzgHKR11k8gWlmooTCLtGCluyQNcqQsYdfwn9gCaIzaO7oXIYCaQpiUobBQA7

OP posts:
Number3cometome · 01/05/2015 14:46

why isn't she paying today?