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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to have someone pay their way?

180 replies

Suffdad79 · 01/05/2015 12:15

I realise this could go down a gender expectation rabbit hole but please bear with me as I do really want to have a female perspective on it:

I'm divorced with two children who I'm lucky and see a lot of and, since the split, I have taken them on holiday a couple of times. Both really nice holidays but would have been nice to have shared them with some grown up company.

Anyway, I am now something of an item with someone I have known a long time and we thought it would be great for the 4 of us to go on holiday together this summer. One of the things I've always known about her was her independence and how she's always working and saying that she would never want to be reliant on a man - that's actually a very attractive quality after being with someone for 9 years who didn't actually contribute anything to the relationship and left a financial apocalypse at the end of it and who happily spent every penny I earned. And yet...

The final balance for the holiday is due and not one penny has so far been forthcoming so i've had to pay the lot today - I'm obviously paying for me and my kids and she was going to pay for herself. Am I likely to see any of that money or am I being taken for a mug? I have a feeling I'm going to do that British thing of letting it slide for the sake of politeness...

Luckily I have a good job, a reasonable lifestyle and I'm making headway in rebuilding my life but I swore to myself I would never again get into any relationship where it wasn't completely equal. I genuinely think that if I end up paying for this, there is no future with her as I'm just setting the tone for the future - again.
Am I being unreasonable about this or should I just accept that, as a man, I'm a walking wallet?

OP posts:
Bailey101 · 01/05/2015 12:55

It doesn't sound as if you've actually told her that you've paid balance - is this the case? If so, you're being a bit wet and should stop jumping to conclusions.

Songofsixpence · 01/05/2015 12:55

Well, if it was all all agreed upfront then just tell her.

Text/email/phone her and say you've paid the balance today and her share is £x

I don't understand where you think she's not going to pay has come from, if you haven't even spoken to her about it yet.

If you booked it, presumably all the paperwork/booking confirmation has gone to you so she won't know if you don't tell her.

Or is this some sort of test that by not actually mentioning the balance was due today to her, you're setting her up to fail?

Justmuddlingalong · 01/05/2015 12:55

Maybe she's changed her mind about going.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 01/05/2015 12:57

So you've spoken to her now that the balance is due to ask for her share? I'm not talking 'at some point since booking', I'm talking about since you've paid it. It's entirely possible she's been saving to give it you in a lump sum. It's what I do with holidays.

AlternativeTentacles · 01/05/2015 12:58

Maybe she just isn't into you as much as she thought.

Original poster
Suffdad79 · 01/05/2015 12:58

Sorry, yes I've told her it's paid. I maybe need to proof-read my posts better but yes I've been completely up front. My quandary is how many times can I keep asking for the money before it gets awkward for all concerned? I feel we may already be past that point! lol

OP posts:
TheChandler · 01/05/2015 12:58

Right, very good, well quit posting online and send her a message to inform her how much is due and when. Until you have done that, your moaning just sounds pointless and spiteful, rather than substantive.

that's actually a very attractive quality after being with someone for 9 years who didn't actually contribute anything to the relationship

Can't see why this is relevant here. You have no idea whether your partner is not willing to pay. Perhaps you expect her to have offered by now, but perhaps she is waiting for you to tell her the precise amount?

But as a general point, since there are plenty of women who do work, and many who have very well paid jobs indeed, if you picked someone who didn't, then that was presumably your preference at the time. Its nothing to do with being a man or a woman - if I had picked an unemployed, unqualified man as my partner, then moaned that they were unemployed and unqualified, would that make me, as a woman, a "walking wallet"? Some people do of course prefer a non-employed outside the home spouse, in the mistaken belief that they will be less challenging, so presumably you made your choices, but its not got an awful lot to do with the female gender specifically.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 01/05/2015 12:59

What did you say, and what did she say in response?

namechange2015 · 01/05/2015 13:00

Walking wallet? So you paid for childcare from the day your dcs were born & your wife sat on her arse yes?? ffs

ShebaRabbit · 01/05/2015 13:01

How did you work out how much she should pay? Is it 1/4 of the total price or the full adult price with a reduction for kids prices? Maybe she's getting cold feet about going on holiday with your 2 DC.

Original poster
Suffdad79 · 01/05/2015 13:02

Songofsixpence I'm not smart enough to create tests for people honestly! lol. Much more black and white. It's all completely transparent, I've reminded her and all that and we've been talking about the holiday itself non-stop.

I think from some of the replies, I maybe have stumbled into a minefield after all - this was not my intention at all.

OP posts:
Gralick · 01/05/2015 13:02

What does she say when you ask her for the money?

On the face of it, you're not being unreasonable and you have 2 sensible options: take her on holiday for the company but end the relationship; dump her now and cancel her ticket.

But you're unclear about what's actually happening with the payment situation, and you've ignored remarks on your comments about the freeloading ex. So I wonder if perhaps you have some communication difficulties, or muddled expectations, which are going to interfere with all your relationships.

Songofsixpence · 01/05/2015 13:02

So you paid the balance today?

It's only 1pm. Is she at work? Are you seeing her later/over the weekend?

Perhaps she hasn't had time to do a bank transfer yet. Perhaps she's got cash for you and will give it to her tonight.

Give her a chance.

FenellaFellorick · 01/05/2015 13:05

Tell her that her share is x and you need it by y or she cant go.

Really either tell her straight or be ok with treating her and by that I don't mean say nothing and seethe. I mean genuinely and with generous heart be ok!
No angst required.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 01/05/2015 13:05

OP, now that you've actually paid the balance and are out of pocket, you can be very insistent. She's had plenty of time to save up so should now have the full balance. But you need to specifically ask her to transfer it to you.

Some other things you probably need to keep in mind if you're in a new relationship:

Your ex may have not worked but presumably she kept house and looked after the children? If she'd passed away, you'd have paid a substantial amount for what she did. Do she did contribute.

Also, if you're not comfortable enough with this new woman to just ask her to transfer her pre-agreed share of a holiday, should you really be bringing her along on holiday with your children in a girlfriend capacity?

YouMeddlingKids · 01/05/2015 13:08

OK, so you've asked her straight out several times, she knows you've paid the full amount, and she's still "yeah yeah-ing" you? Mmm, sounds like either a) she genuinely will pay but is waiting for pay day/ some money she's due and hasn't been great at communicating that to you or b) your relationship has changed since you booked the holiday and she's now not as keen to go and/or to pay. Tough one... how's your relationship seemed in general?

higherhill · 01/05/2015 13:09

The whiff of a tight wad is so unattractive.

Original poster
Suffdad79 · 01/05/2015 13:13

Gralick and Fenella, you are both correct. Thank you for that. I do make an effort to make sure I'm clear when I'm communicating but you never quite know so maybe another check today couldn't hurt!

To be honest, I would be happy to whisk her away for trips and I often pay when we're out and I'm happy to do so. This isn't me thinking I can go through life never putting myself out for anyone! Far from it in fact.
It's just that in this case, we agreed up front and I'm just trying to stick to doing life in a different way than I have before.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 01/05/2015 13:14

Maybe phrase your next message starting with if you still want to come then I need the £250 (or whatever) by Monday. It's polite, but no nonsense about the fact that she isn't going to get a freebie if she holds off long enough on paying.

rookiemere · 01/05/2015 13:21

Just to be nosy, what type of holiday is it?

kewtogetin · 01/05/2015 13:23

So you've actually only paid for the holiday today? why would you have expected the money before today then? She technically owes you nothing before the balance is paid. Now that you've done that just text her;
'Hi, paid the balance for the holiday today (exciting!) You'r share came to £xxx, do ou want to do a balance transfer or pay another way'??
You really need to work on your communication skills, if you're struggling saying what you want this early on then I think you're going to have problems.

Original poster
Suffdad79 · 01/05/2015 13:23

Summer holiday, a couple of weeks in the sun all-inclusive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Suffdad79 · 01/05/2015 13:26

I see what you're saying. I was intending to pay the balance off weeks ago and was asking for the money then. Today was the last opportunity so I think I've been clear for weeks now. I'm pretty up front about things. Again, I can't know whether that communication was received in that way but I think I've been open and honest and clear to the point where I'm now starting to feel a bit awkward!

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 01/05/2015 13:32

If I'd been planning a holiday with someone for a year and I knew I had a financial contribution to make and it was not agreed that the other person would pay in full and then I would pay them back, then I would have paid long before they had to, rather than just assume they'd take care of it!

It is unacceptable to have to chase someone for money.

Personally, I think a freeloader stinks worse than a tightwad, higherhill. Grin

Although Suffdad, you say she's independent and says that she likes to pay her own way, and also that you treat her to stuff, so obviously she treats you to stuff as well, right? And it evens out? (not in a keeping track in a spreadsheet way Grin )

I think the poster who said say to her If you still want to come it's X.. had it spot on. I think that's a great way to put it.

nottheOP · 01/05/2015 13:33

I reckon she was probably waiting for pay day. Don't tar her with the same brush as your ex if money was an issue in that relationship.

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