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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to have someone pay their way?

180 replies

Suffdad79 · 01/05/2015 12:15

I realise this could go down a gender expectation rabbit hole but please bear with me as I do really want to have a female perspective on it:

I'm divorced with two children who I'm lucky and see a lot of and, since the split, I have taken them on holiday a couple of times. Both really nice holidays but would have been nice to have shared them with some grown up company.

Anyway, I am now something of an item with someone I have known a long time and we thought it would be great for the 4 of us to go on holiday together this summer. One of the things I've always known about her was her independence and how she's always working and saying that she would never want to be reliant on a man - that's actually a very attractive quality after being with someone for 9 years who didn't actually contribute anything to the relationship and left a financial apocalypse at the end of it and who happily spent every penny I earned. And yet...

The final balance for the holiday is due and not one penny has so far been forthcoming so i've had to pay the lot today - I'm obviously paying for me and my kids and she was going to pay for herself. Am I likely to see any of that money or am I being taken for a mug? I have a feeling I'm going to do that British thing of letting it slide for the sake of politeness...

Luckily I have a good job, a reasonable lifestyle and I'm making headway in rebuilding my life but I swore to myself I would never again get into any relationship where it wasn't completely equal. I genuinely think that if I end up paying for this, there is no future with her as I'm just setting the tone for the future - again.
Am I being unreasonable about this or should I just accept that, as a man, I'm a walking wallet?

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 02/05/2015 17:01

Yes yes - but are you really going to treat her if she doesn't pay up, and WHY hasn't she paid up?

RayGamma · 02/05/2015 17:31

Oh, I don't know! I was relying on you people to give me answers! lol

annielouise · 02/05/2015 20:48

When you booked the holiday - or at least chose the holiday - were you both there to see how much it cost?

If so, did she realise here share was £XXX amount? And was she fine with this?

Did she know the date the money had to be paid by?

Now that you've paid for it I think you need to be more direct. Plenty of people have made good suggestions - e.g. XX I've paid the holiday so could you do a bank transfer for £XXX amount. Great, thanks, or whatever.

Don't ask her if she still wants to go she has to pay up now. Based on that I'd dump you. If she procrastinates after this and isn't straight you have to decide whether she's coming with you or not. I'd say no and tell her directly over face to face that you feel a bit taken for a ride. If she says I'm really sorry I've been so short this month but I can get it to you the end of the month that's different.

You need to ask her directly for it.

HappenstanceMarmite · 02/05/2015 22:17

OP are you giving a deadline (if only in your own head) for "next week"? As in by the END of next week, or did she imply you would be paid back midweek? Please update!

TheChandler · 02/05/2015 22:46

I've spoken to a lot of guys who ended up in the same situation with the same outcome.

You and your friends, with your "gender expectation rabbit holes" and "post divorce periods", never mind your constantly changing username, are beginning to sound increasingly keen to prove whatever point it is you are making.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 02/05/2015 23:48

I'm with TheChandler on this, I think.

One of the positive aspects to the post-divorce period is that I know exactly what I'm spending and exactly what's in my account at any point. It was always interesting checking my bank account when I was married!

Well, yes... sharing finances does involve a little more uncertainty as to income and expenditure than not sharing finances. Funny, that. Not sure how you preferring to know exactly when and what is coming out of your account means women are evil gold diggers...? Why not try a slightly different division of finances next time, e.g. equal spending money in separate accounts, so you don't have to see what the other person is spending their money on if it's not your cup of tea?

TwinkieTwinkle · 03/05/2015 00:02

I am actually disgusted by some of the responses here. If this was a woman starting this thread there would be a chorus of 'ltb'. As it's a man there are quite a lot of questions that are completely irrelevant and would get a bollocking if it was a man making them about a woman.

Hope you get it all sorted OP. Smile

2rebecca · 03/05/2015 00:06

I think transferring money straight away is fine if it's not a bank holiday weekend. She has said she will pay next week if the money was needed sooner it should have been requested sooner. If going on a joint holiday regardless of gender you clarify who pays what and when they pay it. It takes 2 to get in to a relationship where just one person pays. If you want an equal relationship you don't let people freeload.

Vijac · 03/05/2015 00:19

She has agreed to pay and so should. But...I do think I would pay for my partner, or pay a bit more than my half in this situation. As your children are going, and in a way she is doing you a favour bring your companion on your kids hol iyswim. The bigger test for me would be a holiday just the two of you.

Coyoacan · 03/05/2015 01:40

I don't know about the ins and outs of the other aspects of the OP's life and relationship, but I do know how much I hate having to remind people about bills to be paid or money they owe me.

I have shared houses where the bills were in my name and occasionally there has been a housemate who would make me have to constantly chase after them for their part of the bill.

I personally prefer to remember my debts and pay them as soon as I can. I am mortified if someone has to remind me.

JessieMcJessie · 03/05/2015 03:03

You describe the relationship as being "a bit of an item" and then later call her "my current girlfriend" (suggestion there will be more in the future). Is this relationship serious enough for her to be holidaying for 2 whole weeks with your children?

ChasedByBees · 03/05/2015 05:26

I think it's pretty off of her. She knew when the payment was due. She has chosen to force you to pay (or lose the holiday) by not giving you the money by the deadline as it sounds from your posts she knew when that was. She is now going to pay you next week. I would never assume someone else could pay the whole amount and later I'd pay them back. I'd be quite wary and I think you need to be pretty direct in conversations about money.

Timetoask · 03/05/2015 05:58

OP, I think you are absolutely right to be worried about history repeating itself, why is she delaying payment?
You need to be more assertive maybe. Send her and email, start it with a nice comment and then say my account details are xyz could you transfer YOUR share by xxc date. And then end it with another friendly note

pod78 · 03/05/2015 07:15

Exactly TwinkieTwinkle. What's up with this thread? I'm horrified.

OP, yes, yes,yes to an emphasis on shared values and expectations being more important than 'just' love. And to being especially careful with kids involved. So many other threads are full of posters encouraging this and full of posters regretting not choosing this. It applies equally to both sexes, regardless of the bias on this thread.

Hope you get this sorted Smile

Mumbehavingbadly · 03/05/2015 07:17

Good grief. If you can't figure out how to talk to your partner/friend about the funding of your holidays without going all 'I'm going to dump her if she doesn't pay on the dot' really you need to ask yourself are you ready yet, for a relationship at all.

If I were this woman and if I was going away with a chap that I'm kind of just seeing and his DC, and he came over all - 'Here's your share of the bill £38.52, I've divided the cost of the olives by two because the DC didn't eat any and they only had colas which don't count as drink...' I'd be thinking twice about whether I want to be seeing said bloke anymore.

Certainly I'd be stalling payment for a holiday that would involve quite a lot of compromise on my part, probably a bit of extra work, with no chance to kick back and relax, get wildly or even mildly drunk (if I wanted too) not to mention the extra cost doing things I probably wouldn't choose to do like trips to a water park, crazy golf, eating at a burger chain, ice creams on the pier, zoo, theme park etc.

Do you think that now the excitement of planning a trip away during the first flush of romance has worn off and the reality of what going away with you and your children will mean has hit home she might be having some second thoughts? But now you've got it all booked and paid for, how does she get out of it without hurting your feelings? And maybe she's feeling that you think she's an extra pair of hands to help with your holiday childcare and that she's a walking wallet?

I think you should be a bit more gracious, offer to pick up the tab for the break and suggest she can pay 'towards' meals and trips if she wants. See what she says to that. You may have to take a financial hit in this one but if the holiday is a success and you go on to have a long term relationship it will all even out over time.

Basically - you sound a bit tight and selfish. I know this may sound harsh but I hope your friend plucks up the courage to say she's not going then spends her hard earned independent woman money on an all-inclusive adult-singles Caribbean fortnight, where she can stretch out her days relaxing with mojito's by the pool and dance the night away with snake hipped guys who treat her like a lady.

Cabrinha · 03/05/2015 07:38

2rebecca just for your info: bank holiday weekend means the physical bank buildings are shut. Internet banking still works. HTH Wink

Hakluyt · 03/05/2015 08:16

"who treat her like a lady"

As opposed to an independent adult human being who pays her debts?

ihatethecold · 03/05/2015 08:33

He doesn't sound tight at all.
Jeez there are some vipers on this thread.

TroutQuintet · 03/05/2015 08:45

Sorry, I've not read the whole thread, but how old are your children? It doesn't sound much of a holiday for your new 'girlfriend' to go away with you and your kids, especially if they are young. It won't be a 'grown up', romantic holiday, and I expect she only agreed in order to please you and is maybe now having second thoughts. Surely, if you went alone, the costs would be similar if you had to pay a single supplement and you wouldn't have any adult company/free help with the children.

You don't sound like the great catch you believe yourself to be, you sound cynical, bitter and mean. I think she would be better off not going TBH!

Rebelheart · 03/05/2015 09:16

God this poor woman. You have only just paid for the holiday and she has agreed to give you the money. She is prepared to go on holiday with you and your children for the first time for a fortnight. Now posters have got her doing childcare and washing t-shirts ffs!

I can't see much in it for her.

Littlemonstersrule · 03/05/2015 09:21

If a single mum had invited her new boyfriend along with the agreement he pay for himself and then he didn't he would be called a cocklodger. Yet men are expected to just lie down and pay for everything when it comes to women.

She has had plenty of time to change her mind and shouldn't expect a free holiday. The very fact she didn't pay before the due date suggests she either doesn't really want to go or is one of those that expects the man to pay for everything.

TwinkieTwinkle · 03/05/2015 11:13

littlemonster gotta love the wisdom of mumsnet, eh? Hmm

2rebecca · 03/05/2015 12:29

My bank only does transfers to other banks on working days

rookiemere · 03/05/2015 12:37

I think it's too early to call on the gfs motivation. I am very much someone who hates owing money and will pay back straight away, but other people can be much more laid back about these things.
If she hasn't paid it by next weekend, that's when to start worrying.

I agree though that I wouldn't be in a rush to go on a big holiday with 2 DCs, but I guess step parents do it all the time.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/05/2015 12:51

Mumbehavingbadly
"Good grief. If you can't figure out how to talk to your partner/friend about the funding of your holidays without going all 'I'm going to dump her if she doesn't pay on the dot' really you need to ask yourself are you ready yet, for a relationship at all."

If it wasn't for threads like this or others like this then MN wouldn't have about half the traffic that it does (half has been made up)