...to ask for your funny in law stories to make me feel better?

[Oobis]

Hi, I'm new to using this, so I apologise if this topic has been done to death! My FIL is a nightmare. There isn't space on here to go into detail, but I was hoping for some comical stories to make me feel better about my narcissistic, arrogant, misogynistic nitwit.

Two days before the wedding she announced she was going to use it as an opportunity it to say her piece.

I would have told her not to bother coming tbh

Tender cupping motion nearly killed me....

I can never fathom out my IL's. My parents aren't particularly outspoken but show affection as and when it is appropriate. I have never once seen MIL show any affection (even to the grandchildren!). She clearly favours SIL over DH and BIL, as well as SILs children.

I was gobsmacked when she said our niece (who at 18months has less hair than our newborn son) looked "like a cancer kid"

She regularly says our son is "chunky" He's not got an inch of fat on him and can still fit in 3-6m tops even though he is 8.5m and yet needs 9-12 month trousers! long skinny beanpole

She said to me on one occasion "Hasnt he got a big head" WTF?! MY CHILD IS NOT THE ELEPHANT CHILD.... (see attached photo lol)

ARRGH THATS THE CUTEST CHILD EVER! :D :D

My FIL gets on my nerves. he thinks he knows everything about everything, whrn he really doesnt. a particular favourite clanger being.. one of my kids were doing something at school about Paris (I think each class had a different European City and they were making a whole school display.. something like that) and she was on my iPad looking at how big the eiffel (sp?) tower is. FIL asked what she was doing then proceeds to tell her why it's called the eiffel tower.. "it because when it was built, the man stood back and looked at it and said 'wow, what an eye full that is!' it filled his eyes so that's why it's called the eiffel tower" my kids looked at me like he had grown another head because even they, at primary school age, know it's utter nonsense. I just nodded and smiled and gave my kids the 'shh, dont say anything, you know what granddad is like' look. good grief, he was being serious aswell.. he actually thinks that's where the name came from!

My FIL took our wedding pics as he is a photographer. When I looked at pics a realised he photoshopped me! Freckles removed from face and my waist made thinner! He honestly didn't think I'd be annoyed. Got original photos eventually.

Thanks Ollie I am biased but yes, yes he is

Some of these aren't funny... they're mental. Myself & dh have had our fair share of batshit/abusive parents. Thankfully, MIL is absolutely lovely. My own mum died years ago (thank God) and I don't even know if my dad is alive... wouldn't let him near my dc, anyway.

Life's too short to take this sort of shit from anyone.

you might be his fiance but I'm his sister, one word from me and he'll drop you however I bet many sils feel like this. Including mine.

at 'To Derek, A Pig'
I love that one, haven't laughed so much for ages!

FIL often says bizarre things to checkout ladies. He doesn't get out much so he enjoys chatting to them. He also tends to say whatever comes into his head. Eg
'You're seem like a kind lady. You must be a Christian.'
He said the checkout lady looked startled but he wasn't sure why! It made perfect sense to him

My DH is Chilean. Chilean men are well known for being mummies boys. During a visit to the MILs, my 38 year old DH decided to get in MIL´s bed as he had tummy ache. I discovered MIL rubbing his bare tummy. I told her that was my job to do as wife. She responded, well you don´t have the hands that I have. LMAO.

mrs super cute baby.

I wonder if mils also get jealous and competitive over dc their dds have over their sons? ie dd dc better?

Yuk I discovered MIL rubbing his bare tummy Do we rub tummies to cure tummy ache bleurgh.

sil used to waltz into our house unannounced. Then she walked in on us shagging and now uses the doorbell

Sorry, forgot his one..

MIL at my DHs sisters wedding "Oh, i cant believe another one of my children have got married, its been so long, 20 years in fact"

sounds fair enough but my DH is one of 7 eldest are twins in their 40s youngest 25. It was one of his younger sisters getting married. The twins married first 20+ years ago then my DH and I 2 years before said sisters wedding. so it was actually 2 years not 20+

I shot her the evils and DH pipes up, "well what about Me? We got married 2 years ago or aren't I one of your children now?" her reply.. "well you know, you didn't have a proper wedding did you?" I'm not religious so didnt want a church wedding.. doesn't sit right with me when people get married in church then never set foot in one again. MIL isn't religious either so don't know what her problem is. I just walked off and we didn't speak to her for the rest of the day.

My mil is horrid. It's not funny. Timely thread as only this morning received an email spluttering that dh is "disrespectful" for not letting them come with us on our precious summer holiday. Despite him saying they are welcome to come and stay another time.

My favourite mil clangers:

Informing dh she can treat him however she likes because he is her son

Telling dh and bil they are emigrating because "there's nothing to keep us in England". Sons and grandchildren count as "nothing" it seems

Slamming phone down on dh and dd aged 4 due to an unspoken crime dh and I committed (never discovered what this actually was). Never apologised for this or explained it.

Making passive aggressive comments followed by a tinkly little laugh "Kerala its so stressful here in the morning" or "look how many grey hairs you have"

Coming to stay when I have a toddler and non feeding 5 day old and not bringing any food or helping, treating it like a normal visit

Describing my job as something for a bit of pocket money. I am a fucking solicitor.

Casual racism against immigrants hilarious as she herself is an immigrant!

Worst of all being atrocious company. After 15 minutes in her company you are bored and depressed. Watching her at bils wedding she has this affect on the general public too not just us.

Rant over feel better now!

Not me but a colleague - her MIL to SIL expressing worries about being unphotogenic at her DB's forthcoming wedding:
"Now {name}, it's not about being unphotogenic, you don't look how you think you look".

Do we rub tummies to cure tummy ache

I do for DD, but she's 2.

ollieplimsoles, the baby would probably consider a co-sleeper cot next to the bed more like a 'proper' bed than a cot in a nursery.

KERALA1 she sounds awful! But like my MIL- when out in public, other people do realise she is a nightmare, thats always some comfort to me, I know Im not crazy/ imagining it

Oh my MIL enraged me coming up when our son was approaching 2 weeks old and DH was going back to work the following day. She proceeded to sit on her arse knitting and watching me struggle to keep awake, feed ds, cope with being a new mother, keep the house tidy, feed myself and her, commenting how the housework could wait to which I replied "Last time I looked we don't have a maid or a housefairy!".... I was glad when my Mum came and I burst into tears saying I couldnt cope. She seemed to buck her ideas up from then on in.

at having to look at MiL's before and after boob job !

thanks geeky my goodness she is still kicking up a fuss about it.

I work from home and a nursery would mean me clearing out my office, so she thinks the only reason we dont want a nursery is because I dont want to give up my office- making me a bad mum!

Oh God, your wet pussy anecdote reminded me of FIL trying to make a joke about me being a prostitute. I really didn't like it and made a point about how I was passing the phone over to DH, at which point he realised I want enjoying it and quickly went back to normal conversation. He's not a bad sort, but does have his moments (as do I.)

I can't think of any funny MIL anecdotes, they're all a bit malicious. The closest I can get is her tying to correct me on the anniversary of my dad's death, because it was the week she went on holiday you see so obviously she must have known better than me.

Oobis! The "wet pussy" comment is horrifying!!

My ILs are really nice, just a bit oblivious sometimes. We've had two big fall outs though over family holidays. They asked if they could join us, we said no, they booked anyway and came. That was fun. To put it into context, that year, due to circumstances/moving, we'd all spent 10 weeks under the same roof. So I felt we were due a holiday on our own! But no. We must do things we don't like because we're a family.

MIL delivering a long, loud monologue to me on Jimmy Savile and his evil doings - at the school gates, with kids jostling to get past.

Also, loudly at the school gates "It's very middle class here, isn't it?"