Babynamechange update

[Babynamechange]

Just posting here again for traffic as have had so much support before. Long back story, but abusive ex decided to stop turning up for contact after SS decided they didn't have enough evidence of abuse to stop it and had restarted it...great..and a peaceful 2 months ensued

But..
SS have just been in contact and he's now decided that he thinks he wants to start contact with DS again? Not 100% but SS have to support even though, reading between the lines, they think that he is completely incapable of putting DS needs first. It seems all that he's interested in is seeing me punished.. They are going to speak to him again to see if he's going to turn up this week or not...

Any advice?

:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

so ex did not turn up. which is good.

Oh my god baby that's such a relief

Sending you both huge hugs xx

SW are on your side, as they are now witnessing what you have been telling them all along. They can see that for themselves. I bet he had a good old rant to them this afternoon, might have even been quite aggressive and nasty.

No, a good father would move mountains to see his child, be it whatever setting it is, it is obvious he is not, and it is obvious to SS.

First thank you, thank you, thank you for all your messages and advice

Mmmnotsure again brilliant put and I'll put that in a letter to the SS manager and the ombudsman, but yes of course if you genuinely wanted to see your child you would move heaven and earth..that's a no brainer

Rumble they seem utterly preoccupied with the court order and the implications of going against it. At one point, completely unprompted, she said that the courts don't always look at the evidence though when enforcing orders.... She also kept saying that she agreed with a gradual reintroduction but couldn't actually advise breaking the order... She also kept saying that he was extremely threatening towards me about what he intended to do about it, though like I said was fairly incoherent about the details. My stock response was that this is about DS and what is in his best interests and that what I'm asking is entirely reasonable in the circumstances and that if he wants to take me back to court instead then that's up to him.

She fully acknowledged that he was extremely difficult and unreasonable and not child focused at all, but they don't seem to be making the connection that this puts (I think) DS at risk of harm in itself especially considering that his primary focus is punishing me. I need to really try and get that across when I speak to her next. I just can't help thinking there's more to this though and I'm fairly certain that if the court order wasn't there contact would almost certainly be supervised...

Oh and she also mentioned that he's made a complaint against them, though I'm not sure on what grounds and neither was she. They just seem massively intimidated by him :(.

Ehric that is soooo good to know cafcass won't be involved!

Glenthebattleostrich yes it is just a game to him

Hissy I've already now technically not complied with the order as SS told him on my say so that DS wasn't going for contact, but I wouldn't be 100% sure he wasn't lurking somewhere. I don't normally lock my door but I did today. That said, doing that would take actual effort and in all likelyhood he would have been ranting at a distance I think..

Ohfourfoxache

Aero yes it seems they're on my side, and they certainly have the measure of him... It's just they still don't seem to be joining the dots

Xxxxx

No not breaking the order, he's already broken that himself, but safe contact in a supervised capacity leading to unsupervised. Somehow I dint think his complaint will amount to much, he us making himself look like a fool. Of he carries on like that SS çoukd end up barring him from contacting them. I remember this happened in a documentary about the Council.

Let him take you back to court, you will have imput from SS, and he broke the order.

There must be concerns about abuse and harm to ds, why are they doing the keep safe work with ds. Can you ask them to keep doing the keep safe work with ds, or come out and talk to him.

Baby: Is it worth asking them their interpretation of the court order? They appear to be seeing this as ex has no responsibilities whatsoever and can break it at will, but you have to do as you're told or God help you. This is also where I'd be considering legal advice.

Whatever threats he may have made, you have done nothing wrong. There is nothing that could be held against you here - unless the court is going to insist that the best interests of a young child in being sent for contact with a couple of hours warning after multiple sitting waiting around with a packed suitcase because dad has not shown up for two months and is stropping about allegations (which dad has admitted but don't justify actual charged) are irrelevant to them.

Can you get SS to facililitate safe contact in a contact centre.

Rumble I agree totally, but what you said is exactly how they seem to see it! xx

Aero they've agreed to facilitate supervised contact at the school, but like she said earlier, he's very unlikely to agree to that x

Well, Baby, that is not your problem, there is contact, but he is not taking it.That will go against him, and makes him look very bad. It shows that he is impervious to ds needs, they probably did not hear one bit, of his consideration towards ds feelings, needs, wellbeing and safety. Yes by offering supervised contact, you are complying with contact, but it has to be safe for ds as well. He has demonstrated to SS that he cannot put ds needs first, and is not child centred at all.

Hi baby I had to de lurk and say you're amazing. If your sons sw is intimidated by your ex I find it mind boggling that they don't think what it must be like for your son. I also find it impossibly terrifying to believe there is no one else in children's services that will tell your ex what's what! I have seen sw fail to be intimidated by the most appalling, intimidation and threats from parents in my own work with families. Why are they so scared? Your ex is not as clever as he likes to think or he wouldn't be threatening people left and right.
I just hope you finally get someone listening in RL. We are all with you x

I honestly don't understand this.

The court order was for what - for him to see his ds?

He chooses unilaterally not to see his ds four times in a row. Ds is made available each time, but having given no notice or communication, ex doesn't turn up. Ds is young. He gets used to not seeing his father. He is happy not to see his father, as he doesn't want to.

Then, months (?) later, with minimal notice, ex decides he will turn up this time after all. There is no opportunity and insufficient notice to prepare ds for this change. Surely a court order has to have some balance to it? If either of you break the arrangement, without enormously good reason and certainly not time after time, surely it goes back to neutral and you start again with reaching an agreement on how to proceed bearing in mind the child first and foremost?

And one thing I would mention, which is horrible but I'll say it anyway. I'm sorry. It is the constant threats from ex. The sw has just said again that he was extremely threatening towards you. I think you need to raise the question - to sw, to the senior person who has overall responsibility for safeguarding in your area, to the ombudsman, to anyone who is a professional with any interest in this case: given ex's inability to recognise and meet the needs of ds as noted by ss; given the fact that he doesn't appear to care about ds, as evidenced by his refusal to meet with ds at all unless he has full control of the situation and is taking ds to his own place, alone, away from anyone else who has a duty of care towards ds; given the constant threats against you and the anger and aggression with which he freely and repeatedly expresses them even to a professional - given all the above, can they give you full assurance that they have fully risk-assessed the situation, especially in the light of the things ds has said about what his father has been doing to him, and that they have taken into account the documented occasions in the past where an angry and aggressive ex has harmed their child to get revenge on their ex-partner? Can they promise that there is not even the slightest possibility of ex using ds to hurt you? Can they confidently, in their professional opinion, guarantee that there is no possibility of ex harming ds? If they can, on what do they base this assurance? And are they willing to take full, personal responsibility for each occasion of unsupervised contact?

Supervised contact sounds such a good idea, wouldn't you think!

Having a quick look on line, there are some mentions around of notifying the court asap if you have breached the contact order for whatever reason, and this being some protection as showing you take it seriously. Is it worth getting legal advice here? However you've breached the order only once, having complied exactly since the order was set, in discussion with SS and with ex having behaved badly.

It really does seem the court order does only bind you. I can find info about 'no one can make a parent show up for contact', so seems it's fine for the nrp to let the child down as often as they feel like, however heaven help the rp if they don't present the child as instructed. However the court rules state that the interest of the child should be paramount.

Is this something you can discuss with the obudsman?

yyyy Mmmmsure I totally agree with you. Are you a professional in the field by the way? Exactly rumble your bottom sentence is what baby is following, with the safe and supervised contact at school. Hopefully, by next contact, SS will have organised supervised contact at school, and inform ex of the time and date. If he does not show, that really should go against him in court. Baby solicitor told her, to withdraw contact and let ex take her to court, I believe. This supervised contact is a very good happy medium, if he does show up for supervised contact, his behaviour will be monitored.

No, aero, not a professional, and I've told baby that so that she knows they are only 'serving suggestions'.

I think you need to point out to SS that if he wants to punish you, the most effective way of doing that is actually to hurt your son. And to that end they need to protect your son from his father's vengeance to punish you.

Baby, so sorry this is still going on. I hope you and your son come through this ok.

Thinking of you both.

mmmmsure you speak like a professional and with so much sense

The thing that is confusing to everyone is the disconnect between social services and the courts

So ss don't have the power to say you should go against a court order, they can say that if you let your child go to an abusive ex you are risking them being involved etc
This is the problem with the family courts
The nrp cannot be made to comply
The nrp can
My ex would not have any contact for 8 months, then taker to court for contact that he didn't really want anyway, and the court will be delighted he's taking an interest

It's a joke
Cross on your behalf baby

Hi Baby, I haven't commented on your threads before because I've never had any advice to give you. I just wanted to let you know that you are doing incredibly well. Keep fighting your corner and let your mummy tiger come out. I hope that you finally get listened to and that you and DS get left in peace x

'Anyway she's going to tell him contact isn't happening this afternoon and I've no idea if he will turn up or not'

Did she do this?
If she did this what reason did she give?
I want to know if she told him you were refusing to allow contact, or what did she say.

(I am curious about this in light of her comment that he was unlikely to agree to a suggestion of supervised contact, and I wonder if they are reluctant to suggest supervised contact, which would involve their involvement in the supervision, because they are afraid of him and afraid of seeming to be directly involved here, whereas they might be happy to give him the impression that they were only passing on messages from you to him. He certainly seems to have got the impression from them that they are go-betweens, with his ranting, etc to them).

Mmmmsure has it spot on. The potential risk to your son has not been considered. What's the risk to him considering your exs motivation is to punish you? I would put everything in emails so you have written evidence and push this as high as it will go. Your current sw is not protecting your son. She sounds very "nice" but utterly ineffective I'm afraid.
Is there another professional who can get involved in your behalf? It's harder for them to ignore written concerns from school nurse, head teacher, GP etc particularly where risk to child is spelled out.
apologies if this has already been done. I do remember the guardians uselessness so appreciate professionals have not been brilliant.
I often quote learning outcomes from serious case reviews in my reports for children's services. It might help them focus their minds on the real issues instead of being distracted by his chest beating and drama!