Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Babynamechange update

292 replies

Babynamechange · 27/04/2015 09:47

Just posting here again for traffic as have had so much support before. Long back story, but abusive ex decided to stop turning up for contact after SS decided they didn't have enough evidence of abuse to stop it and had restarted it...great..and a peaceful 2 months ensued

But..
SS have just been in contact and he's now decided that he thinks he wants to start contact with DS again? Not 100% but SS have to support even though, reading between the lines, they think that he is completely incapable of putting DS needs first. It seems all that he's interested in is seeing me punished.. They are going to speak to him again to see if he's going to turn up this week or not...

Any advice?

:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 01/05/2015 13:30

Mmmmmnotsure you have hit the nail on the head, and have articulated exactly what I was trying to say, but failed to. The more aggressive he gets, its better, as it really goes against him, and shows that he does not put ds needs and well being first. I was going to say that, I expect SS have observed the lack of use of ds and meeting his needs and well being, from ex. It is just about him and what he wants. It does not work like that.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/05/2015 13:31

I would not want ex to be violent towards anyone of course, but his reaction will count against him. That reaction is quite obvious what it will be.

rumbleinthrjungle · 01/05/2015 14:32

Were SS seriously saying because ex is unlikely to accept measures to protect the child, they'll just give up on protecting the child???? Seriously?! If they as experienced professionals with training in handling difficult people are afraid to challenge ex and have expectations and boundaries for him then surely ex's behaviour has majorly crossed a line and THEY need to deal with it instead of just hand him the child so he leaves them alone? This stinks to high heaven. I would be putting this question to Ofsted and making an Ofsted complaint, not to mention finding the number of the senior children's services manager at the top of the Local Authority. This is awful, awful practice.

Let ex take you back to court Baby. You have presented ds for contact multiple times (to ds's detriment but you did it because the court order said so), you have done nothing wrong once according to the order, you have not refused contact today you have asked for a gradual reintroduction on the grounds that a few hours notice after weeks of messing ds about is not in ds's best interests. Let ex try arguing that one.
The professionals are so busy running around in circles here after ex and his behaviour and his demands and their responsibilities to ds have become very much an afterthought.

This is a major contributing factor in every serious case review. Point that out.

Are you prepared for ex simply picking ds up and walking away, Baby? I would be very tempted to take ds out of school a half hour early and being gone before he gets there.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/05/2015 14:38

Here here rumble, I would put that to the ombudsman and also I writing to the Director of Social services in your area.

rumbleinthrjungle · 01/05/2015 14:43

Thinking about it, you may also need to consider ex appearing early to take ds out of school. School will not be able to stop him Sad

And this is what it's all about to ex isn't it? He is going to whatever the hell he bloody wants with his property (you and ds) and no one is going to say no to him. He'll turn up and take ds whenever he damn well feels like it and no one's going to stop him.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/05/2015 14:57

Rumble let's think positive. Positive vibes. If he does, that will go against him.

Newlywed2013 · 01/05/2015 15:02

Thinking of you

diddl · 01/05/2015 15:16

If there is a court order, can SW tell ex that there will be no visit today & future ones must be supervised?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 01/05/2015 15:48

Social services can recommend supervised contact as part of a child in need or child protection plan even if there is a court order in place, but they need to have evidence to justify it if the dad takes them back to court. Obviously social services concerns would be considered reliable evidence to support varying the court order so I think Baby is in a strong position.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/05/2015 16:01

How are things baby FlowersBrew and Cake, I know you like Cake Smile

Aeroflotgirl · 01/05/2015 16:09

That's great Ehric baby does have SS support and they seem to be on her side and can see tgat ex cannot put ds needs first, and he has told them, contact is for punishing baby. There are abuse concerns, hence the keep safe work. So it does look like baby is in a strong position if he takes her back to court.

Ohfourfoxache · 01/05/2015 16:21

Thinking of you love xx

Does anyone know what time ShitStreak was supposed to turn up?

Damnautocorrect · 01/05/2015 16:35

Oh god baby, I hope the lack of update is because your busy playing at the park. Everything's crossed for you

rumbleinthrjungle · 01/05/2015 16:44

Diddl, SW communicated that to ex. Ex said he was coming anyway.

rumbleinthrjungle · 01/05/2015 16:47

No, sorry, checking back I seem to have dreamed up that last bit. Baby asked SW to tell ex no contact today. She didn't know whether he would still come or not.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/05/2015 17:35

I hope all is well, its unusual for Baby not to come back quickly. I hope that she has taken ds somewhere nice, and nothing bad has happened.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 01/05/2015 17:44

Actually now would be the time to stop contact entirely as if he takes her back to court while there is an open case with social services it's the allocated worker who writes the section 7 rather than cafcass and this one seems to have the measure of him

Original poster
Babynamechange · 01/05/2015 18:09

Sorry...been playing with DS. ....He didn't turn up and I've been thinking about things loads but will have to reply properly a bit later as want to write a proper reply ..if that makes sense xxx

OP posts:
glenthebattleostrich · 01/05/2015 18:14

Not surprised he didn't turn up, it's all a game to him.

So pleased he didn't though. Enjoy your bank holiday :)

Damnautocorrect · 01/05/2015 18:20

Thank god for that. Enjoy your play time.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/05/2015 18:32

Phew, wipes a big bucket of sweat from brow. Oh that sounds Envy, but you know what I mean Grin. Ehric MMMsure Rumble give some great advice,and avenues to follow. You are holding all the cards now baby you are calling the shots. You know he will not agree to supervised contact, so will not show up, and will he take you back to court? Its a long process, as he has to submit a new application. But if he does, you have the SW as Ehric says, to submit that section 7, instead of CAFCASS. The more he disagrees with your perfectly reasonable requests, always putting ds needs and safety first, and keeps on ranting, the more it goes against him.

Hissy · 01/05/2015 18:41

Is he genuinely not turning up, or would he be hidden somewhere, observing that baby is complying, waiting for her not to?

Or is it now that the contact is at the convenience of DS/baby rather than him, he won't play? He's not calling all the shots, so he won't play ball at all?

rumbleinthrjungle · 01/05/2015 18:41

Oh thank God. This must have been a horrible day for you, I hope you can relax a bit now. Thanks

Mmmnotsure · 01/05/2015 18:47

And the longer it all takes, the more baby's baby grows up, and the more able he is to articulate what ex is doing to him and how he feels about it. A few months is a long time at such a young age, especially as ds is having a nice run of time now without being exposed to ex, time in which he can start to feel happier and more settled and hopefully perhaps more confident about being listened to.

If the school think that the last few months have been good for ds, please try to get this feedback from the school recorded somewhere, for future use.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/05/2015 18:53

hissy SW phoned baby up this morning to say that ex will be coming, baby told SW that contact will not be happening unless it is gradual in a supervised setting, which SW agreed with. SW then told baby, that she will tell ex that contact is not happening.