Babynamechange update

[Babynamechange]

Just posting here again for traffic as have had so much support before. Long back story, but abusive ex decided to stop turning up for contact after SS decided they didn't have enough evidence of abuse to stop it and had restarted it...great..and a peaceful 2 months ensued

But..
SS have just been in contact and he's now decided that he thinks he wants to start contact with DS again? Not 100% but SS have to support even though, reading between the lines, they think that he is completely incapable of putting DS needs first. It seems all that he's interested in is seeing me punished.. They are going to speak to him again to see if he's going to turn up this week or not...

Any advice?

:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

Aero by offering initially supervised gradual contact I'm not complying with the court order, but I'm obviously hoping that any sane person will not think that's unreasonable. It wouldn't even be contact in a contact centre, it's at the school where DS feels safe and with one of his teachers there. He won't accept that because it isn't about seeing DS or considering his needs, it's about his power and control.

MerryKat exactly... I don't get why they are not making that connection? Or maybe they are but acknowledging that would mean backtracking on their previous decisions...something they seem unable to do. But yes it makes no sense why they are trying so hard to placate him. I hate saying this but he's also essentially a criminal. He has paid no tax whatsoever for around 25 years (doesn't exist as far as the IR are concerned) yet works, and lives an incredibly parasitic aggressive lifestyle yet everyone seems so willing to make it all about what he wants. I say that, because it's not as though he can intimidate them with any kind of social standing so to speak?

Mmmnotsure that's exactly how it should be re breaking the court order, yet he clearly thinks he can dictate the terms and not consider DS at all.... and SS, if I had agreed would have been happy to let him do that :(
Anyone who knows our situation knows how scared I am to break the court order (that could well be why SS are concerned too) but yes someone that angry and that intent on punishing me combined with a total disregard towards DS is more than capable of hurting him. And that ultimately, however scared I am of going back to court, meant there was no way I could let DS go. I'm going to have to say that and I'll put it how you did above.

Rumble yes it does only bind the rp. A friend asked me how many times he would have to not turn up for a court to decide enough is enough. It's pretty much limitless and he would be given chance after chance. In fact he would love that. To have his chance to rant in court and watch them bend over backwards for him. Probably why he's so angry ATM, because SS aren't accepting of his plans to punish me.

Alternative tentacles I agree completely

Dolly you know exactly what it's like :(

Blondiemama

Mathanxiety she said she'd tell him that DS was worried about contact and that I was suggesting a gradual reintroduction starting with the school. But yes I'm absolutely sure that it was presented as MY suggestion and that they were going along with it as it seemed reasonable.

Totally agree with your last paragraph. That is exactly what they are doing and tbh I'm not clear on what their role is in this and why they are effectively pandering to him so much. They can clearly see what kind of personality they are dealing with yet they almost insisting on staying on the fence. I'm left wondering how bad his behaviour can get before someone takes a stand :(

But seriously thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. You're giving me the strength to do this xxxx

Baby you have so done the right thing, it is good that you do have SS on your side, use them to your advantage. Good thinking MMMMsure I would put it to SS that they know he wants to punish them, and that includes hurting ds. They are obviously concerned about abuse, ds made a partial disclosure and they are doing keep safe work with him. Exactly Merry they should not be intimidated and scared by this man, they have a job to protect children and have to meet many a dubious character everday, it should be part of their job. I would also put it to them in writing, that if they find ex intimidating and aggressive, how do you think a young child feels, alone in an abusive sitatuion with nobody to help him!

MerryKat I cross posted with you..
You're absolutely right I need to do that.

.... yes she is very nice, but is totally sitting on the fence and seeing herself as some kind of go between and yes totally distracted by his guest beating and drama. You've summed up her involvement perfectly.

I think it was rumble who mentioned the Southampton serious case review (sorry if I'm wrong) which stated in there about SS failing to make the connection between the intimidation they felt from the father and how that would also be felt by the child x

You can do it. Stuff the court order, your ds safety and well being comes first. Ds is not a toy that can be picked up and put down whenever he wants, he is a little child with feelings.

This is what I would put in the complaint to the ombudsman baby, that SS see themselves as passive, go betweeners, they seems afraid of upsetting ex, instead of thinking of the child first and protecting him. That they are failing to make the connection between him intimidating them and how ds will feel alone and in that kind of situation with his dad.

Aero yes I will put that to the ombudsman. I'm not sure how much power they have to interfere though but it certainly won't hurt x

No advice, just wishing you and DS all the best.

I would also put it to SW when you speak to her, and in part of your correspondence to SW manager. That they have seemed to have forgotten that their primary objective is to protect abused and vulnerable children. I woukd also correspond in writing to the Director of SS in your area with all these points you have raised.

I remember your other threads. I'm sorry you are still going through this. You are a great mum btw.

What do the school think about it all? Have their safeguarding people been any help?

If he does take it back to court, this will be a new application I presume. As someone stated further up thread, SS will write the section 7 of the contact as ds is under SS. Even though they seem as good as a chocolate teapot, they agree with you, and can see what he is like themselves.

Whenever you feel like you can't go on anymore, or giving up, picture the smiling face of your little ds and you will find the strength to fight on like you always do.

math makes a good point. I am sure that ss will try to fudge things. You should make it clear in writing that sw's professional opinion, as expressed to you last week, was that initially supervised contact was best for ds in the circumstances. That it was not just you saying that. And that your actions were based on this professional advice.

They are taking no responsibility, are they?

They apparently know that he wants to punish OP, yet won't have the balls to say that they recommend supervised contact.

Talk about shit stirring!

After the way he has dicked about it should automatically come into play that there is some gentle lead in back to contact.

For the sake of the child, about whom this is all supposed to be!

Seems like it's all about his dad!

This has probably been mentioned before but what are the rules about you moving away?

Because I would be seriously thinking about moving far far away. To the other end of the country or a whole different country all together to make it as difficult as possible for him.

Is that an option?

I would also ask SW if they are monitoring ex threats and behaviour, and are noting them down on ds file for reference. I agree diddle, they need a red hot poker up their backside. They need to look at why they are here, and bloody do their job. Yes baby tell them that they need to put everything that they have told you into writing and to document it. Everything from ex threats and behaviour, their professional opinions, and the fact that they also recommend supervised contact at first. You need to be tough with them op, the Ombudsman is on their case, so make sure they do their jobs.

You are far too nice baby, you need to be extremely tough with them, basically spell it out to them what they should be doing, as they are totally ineffective and stupid. I personally would have ripped them to shreds , of how they are handling this. Told them how unacceptable it is that they are failing to protect a vulnerable child, are more interested in passifying a threatening, nasty and abusive bully. That if they feel intimidated and find him aggressive, what the hell does a little boy alone with nobody to help him feels! If he is using contact to punish me ie baby, he is most certainly using ds as punishment, hence the abuse both emotional and sexual.

Baby as much as you don't want to, I think you should consider taking this back to court yourself

That way you are doing things the way they like them done. You can state that you are not withholding contact but are insisting on supervised contact

It puts you in the driving seat. Ss hopefully can then support your case, rather than you reacting to him claiming you've broken the court order
My ex did this about 4 times: disappeared for months then I'd get a letter taking it back to court as I was preventing contact. Court just wasn't interested in the fact he had t turned up

Not until I took him to court

If ex is making threats against you then shouldn't SS be informing the police?

Mmmnotsure I need to get SS to put their money where their mouth is though in terms of officially supporting me wrt supervised contact.

Diddl yes it does seem that way doesn't it

Ihatestampysvoice I think about that all the time! Realistically though I'm sure he would make that extremely difficult.

Aero yes I need to ask what's being noted regarding his attitude and motivation. If they'll tell me?

Dolly I know you're probably right. I could see how the land lies when SS get back to me and if he's still making aggressive threats about me being sorted out and DS being removed, then take it from there. I need to know that I have some kind of proper backing from SS ideally though and not the wishy washy effort that I'm getting ATM.

Curbside I don't know exactly what the threats are other than having DS removed and me being sorted out/punished and SS weren't even clear on what exactly he intends to do, but I imagine, as he's talking to SS, that they are all of that nature...rather than threats to me physically... He's not that silly
Xxx

I mean when I read this, the lack of support for the child & seeming can't do enough to pander to the father, it just beggars belief that some men are prevented from seeing their kids on the whims of the mother!

Have you reported him to I R for his non payment of tax? I would, if only so another agency has him on their wavelength?

I think someone else has also suggested noting down your conversation and sending it to SS via email, copying in the ombudsman investigator.

I agreevdiddl

Those threats should be ringing alarm bells for SS, and yes the Police should be informed, you being punished and sorted out, sounds very much like physical threats, we are talking about a very nasty individual baby who attacked you. He is angry at the moment, and he is very thick, he could have put himself right into it. Have you asked SS whether they have informed the Police, given the nature of the threats, and the type of person he is. As a poster has said previously as Ds is under SS, they would need to give their input in court. I would speak to your Solicitor on Monday, and Speak to SW manager, write down in bullet points, what you need to say, so you don't forget or get confused. As Dolly has said, you might just need to take it back to court yourself.

Baby,

Do I remember correctly that the court did wish to have supervised contact initially and your ex basically kicked off in court and said he would not see his son at all in that case, and the court basically gave in and allowed unsupervised ? Also were you threatened to comply with the order fully or they would reverse residency ?

I find your case so depressingly sad to see the way your poor ds is being let down by all the agencies put in place to protect him. It is disgraceful the way this one judge has acted and has made it impossible for yourself and SS to go against his express Orders.

I think it would be a good idea to try and get SS to contact the police if at all possible to register their worries over the threats against yourself. It would carry more weight coming from them rather than yourself and would hopefully help in court too.

Keep pressing SS to implement the 'keepsafe' work with your son as a matter of urgency. Contact is probably going to happen again at some point and you need your boy to be as prepared for that possibility and as best able to protect himself as he can. I cannot believe that I am writing that down it is so reprehensible for the responsibility to be placed on the shoulders of a six year old boy.

I wish I could offer you better advice baby.

I'm glad other people have picked up on the red flag issue I was thinking of when I posted yesterday - and I'm amazed that SS still apparently haven't, all things considered.

I really think they need to open their eyes - it happens far too often that the father does something hideous to punish the mother, why in the name of all that's holy are they still not seeing this and doing their uttermost to prevent it??

Can you be explicit about it to them, Baby - say "what if Ex hurts DS to punish me, what then? Will you consider taking a stance then? Do I actually have to wait until DS is hurt before you take a stance?" or similar. Really put them on the spot - and if they dither again, ask the Ombudsman the same thing. The safeguarding thing is so important, I just can't believe they're being so dilatory about it!