Babynamechange update

[Babynamechange]

Just posting here again for traffic as have had so much support before. Long back story, but abusive ex decided to stop turning up for contact after SS decided they didn't have enough evidence of abuse to stop it and had restarted it...great..and a peaceful 2 months ensued

But..
SS have just been in contact and he's now decided that he thinks he wants to start contact with DS again? Not 100% but SS have to support even though, reading between the lines, they think that he is completely incapable of putting DS needs first. It seems all that he's interested in is seeing me punished.. They are going to speak to him again to see if he's going to turn up this week or not...

Any advice?

:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

I'd be tempted to contact the police yourself. You are getting his threats passed on via ss. They seem to be helping him intimidate you and you are not being told the proper details.

Yes I would contact the Police, considering he was violent towards you, attacked you, you had to have a panic alarm in your house. He has been prowling near your house in the past, a very nasty and violent individual.

No I haven't contacted the IR as I didn't want to make the situation even worse for DS but it's often in the back of my mind as a last resort. I'm sure they'd be interested to see his submissions stating how he earns 'hansum sums in every seeson' , obviously assuming they'd be able to do anything?

Maccie, Supervised contact was ordered by 3 different judges. He refused, then eventually had 3 sessions after which he refused any more and repeatedly stated he'd rather never see DS again than see him in a contact centre as he "was a man and wasn't gonna prove nofink". We then had the judge (the one that the barrister who represented me at the court of appeal said was the worst judge we could have had etc and who my old solicitor described as a woman hating mysogynist and who had been effectively struck off for 10 years) who basically made a case for unsupervised contact. Witness evidence was completely ignored, erred on loads of facts and I ended up appealing on 9 counts I think but although the court of appeal judge was very kind to me, trying to get a verdict over turned unless you have a point of law is very hard as it seems judges discretion is incredibly vast :(.
I refused to comply, but then was threatened with residency reversal.

But yes it was that judge that completely changed everything for us.

I know what you mean about the keep safe work..I feel the same but when it's all that's offered..

As for going to the police, I'm fairly sure he wouldn't have made overt physical threats, not to SS anyway, and to be honest I have no fear left in me for anything like that against me. The worst threat he can make is obviously to take DS away, which is why he's doing it and so repeatedly, but I know that's not a criminal offence
Xxx

Thumbwitchesabroad im going to be explicit with the ombudsman as I think they are far more measured and therefore receptive to it.

Also, and I've had a lot of time thinking about this.....
He's absolutely determined to see to it I'm punished and he sees the ultimate way of doing that is to have DS removed, not because he wants him, but simply to hurt me. A pretty extreme thing to do to a child to hurt the mother, but it got me thinking. This whole inappropriate photo thing. When questioned by the police he denied it completely called both me and DS liars and told the police that he was/had applying/applied for residency as I was clearly deranged. Clearly he wasn't/hadn't.
This obviously didn't wash with SS as DS's disclosure was so consistent and reliable that he couldn't possibly have made it up, so then he changed his story saying that he was pretending to take the photos with a completely implausible reason...

I actually think he was taking the photos deliberately, knowing DS would tell me, that he would ferociously deny it, to create a situation that would make me look completely nuts. It obviously didn't go according to plan as DS was believed... And yes of course no thought to DS :(.. But what next

Mathanxiety she said she'd tell him that DS was worried about contact and that I was suggesting a gradual reintroduction starting with the school. But yes I'm absolutely sure that it was presented as MY suggestion and that they were going along with it as it seemed reasonable.

This is appalling.

I am shocked to my core.

They are endangering your child by telling this man any such thing. These people are not supporting you and they do not have your child's best interests at heart. They are afraid for whatever reason to confront him and are using you and your son instead of intervening and confronting him with their own professional opinion.

By using DS's words instead of their own professional opinion they are putting him in direct line of fire. They are in effect using him as a human shield. They are refusing to confront him and deal with him.

What exactly do they think will happen to DS if exH decides to take him for a weekend, when exH has been told that DS has said to SS that he was worried about contact?? He'll be all reasonable and forgiving?? Fucking hell.

Maths I know :(. And they are refusing to confront or deal with him, possibly because they can't deal with him as he's so difficult and possibly because he has the weight of cafcass and the courts behind him but also because recognising he's a danger means accepting responsibility that they have dealt with us pretty appallingly....

I really hope the ombudsman can help with this and not just the specific thing she's involved with xx

You need to highlight to the Ombudsman that they are breaching DS's privacy and endangering him by repeating what he has said, or even putting words into his mouth if this is the case.

If I were you I would insist on getting every single thing SS says to you in writing. Send them a memo to file of every conversation you have had to date (use your threads to jog your memory) and ask them to confirm this was the content and details of your conversations.

I know math absolutely apoealling. Ombudsman needs to know this. What is your battle plan baby for next week. What do you plan to do? Certainly stand by contact within a supervisory capacity. I would certainly be turning this on SS, and getting them to take responsibility and protect ds.

They all are a bloody joke, here is clearly a violent, abusive and nasty individual, who not once mentions ds and is concerned for his safety and welfare, but instead of protecting ds from this tosser, they expose him to him. Psycho judge ignores all previous orders of supervised contact, and places a yiu g and vulnerable child at the mercy of this nasty and violent individual. The child here in this case, is not at the centre of proceedings, but right at the bottom of the pile.

It seems like his "bolshiness" and the fact he intimidates people is being used in his favour.
Perhaps an air of "insolence" might help you op. Deliberately asking the same questions over and over. And making the same statements.
Eg, why are you putting my son at risk? What are you doing to protect my son? Whose interest is this in? My sons or exdp? What measures are you taking to protect my sons physical, mental, emotional and sexual wellbeing? Why are you allowing exdp to dictate contact? Why aren't you protecting my son? Whose interest is this contact in? Etc

Exactly sadit, op should out it right at them, put them in the spotlight. Turn it to them.

Yes I agree. Keep asking the pertinent question: is this in the best interest of my DS?

Hope you are both managing to enjoy the bank holiday and keep the stress levels under control

As PP have said, isn't contact supposed to be in the best interests of the child?
Put it in an email. Cc the world and his wife, case worker, head teacher at school, head of SS, school nurse, gp, ombudsman, daily mail....the postman, the hairdresser etc.
It seems unless you kick up a stink you don't get anywhere!
I think a sad face daily mail tale would do the job!

Exactly, ask SW manager for the contact details of the Director of SS in your area, write to them stating EVERYTHING. Coversations that you had with SW where she stated that ex cannot put ds needs first, he was threatening them and using contact to punish op. Their failure to safeguard this vulnerable child, look at the wider picture, that if they find him intimidating and threatening, what the hell does a 6 year old Aline with no means for help find him. He is using ds to punish op, that has been stated by SW manger, that means hurting ds, hence ds partial disclosure, keep safe work, and ds accounts to police were reliable and consistant.

If you go to Court, you adopt the same outspoken way that ex has to the judge. He has been out spoken to the judge, judge gas complied with him. There is a saying, he who shouts loudly, gets! You need to do that in court. I mean don't be rude, but be frank and tell judge what you want. I know it isent easy, you find judge quite intimidating, but he is no God, he us a human with faults like everybody else. Tell judge that you want supervised contact with ds, previous judgements have been user isen for a goid reason. Ex cannot put ds needs first, he cannot keep ds safe which really us the most important thing. You will have SS imput to this too.

As someone pointed out on another thread, write and contact your lical council Safeguarding board. Find information from the SW or contact your council.

Someone also highlighted that in the contact order, first and foremost, contact has to be safe, which it is not, in this situation. Because of that you have every right to demand that contact is made safe for ds i.e. supervised, so that ds can see his dad in a safe environment. Mabey you should take it back to court, for it to be assessed again, with added input from SS.

If you do take it back to court, make sure ds has his own solicitor representing him in court. As he is entitled to that through legal aid, the more backing behind, the better. SPeak to your solicitor about what to,do but as dolly said, horrid though it is, It might be better in the long run for you to initiate court yourself. You might get what you want from it, then if he takes you to court, ranting and raging. You could approach it from, at the moment ds is having supervised contact, as SS have informed you that ds dad is unable to put ds needs first, he has told SS he is punishing you, that is messing around with contact, he did not show up to 4 contacts, making ds wait with a packed bag each time, totally disregarding ds feelings and needs, and also hurting ds by sexually and emotionally abusing him. He has made a partial disclosure to SS, and SS are doing keep safe work with ds because of this. Also include the photographs taken of ds on the toilet, and ex lying about them to Police, and ds accounts being reliable and consistant.

Also send an email to the social worker asking
"When you have told me via phone conversation on (date) (time) that ex is using DS as a weapon, why are you still trying to facilitate contact? Whose interest is this contact in?
You have told me he is intimidating and difficult to deal with (try and put ot in the words she used) so how do you expect a 6 year old to deal with him?"
You are putting back in writing what she has said and you are making it clear you are acting in best interests of your child.

Sadit thank you.
They haven't made that connection though about using DS as a weapon... They've said he finds it very difficult to consider DS's needs at all, that he is aggressive and difficult, that he is preoccupied with seeing me punished in the manner he sees fit...namely removing DS...
But they're not joining up the dots unfortunately and each of these certainly seems to be considered in isolation from the others.

Aero there are no photos. He said he was 'pretending' to take them.

Anyway I've posted a response to the ombudsman in the other place to see what you wonderful people think xx

You need to get SS to confirm what they said in writing, make sure it is on ds file and features in the input in court if it goes back there.

They are so thick you also need to tell them on the phone and in writing what is happening and the implications of his behaviour on ds.

Sorry I meant include the information about the photos on the toilet

I would write a letter that goes something like this:

Further to our conversation on the 27th April 2015, it was brought to my attention by yourself that ex is aggressive and difficult, that he intends to see me punished by namely removing ds. Ex desire to see me punished is quite intense and sustained, this also includes hurting ds, as he knows it will hurt me. This is consistant with ds partial disclosure to sexual abuse hence the ongoing keep safe work, and ds disclosure to Police regarding photos taken of ds on the toilet, as well as ds disclosing many accounts of sexual and emotional abuse to myself and various professionals (teachers, SW etc)

I also feel that if you, yourselves find such an individual intimidating and aggressive, have you considered what would a vulnerable young child feel when alone with him, with nobody to call for help.

something like that, that draws SW to look at the wider picture.

That's teally good Aeroflotgirl!

Thanks sadit there is a better ine written in the other place