Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Babynamechange update

292 replies

Babynamechange · 27/04/2015 09:47

Just posting here again for traffic as have had so much support before. Long back story, but abusive ex decided to stop turning up for contact after SS decided they didn't have enough evidence of abuse to stop it and had restarted it...great..and a peaceful 2 months ensued

But..
SS have just been in contact and he's now decided that he thinks he wants to start contact with DS again? Not 100% but SS have to support even though, reading between the lines, they think that he is completely incapable of putting DS needs first. It seems all that he's interested in is seeing me punished.. They are going to speak to him again to see if he's going to turn up this week or not...

Any advice?

:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

OP posts:
Hissy · 30/04/2015 10:42

I think if you do make yourself available for contact, and he does stand his own son up, leaving him awaiting in a carpark etc ffs, then it may be an idea to document all this and submit reports to SW/SS every single time he does this.

I would also raise the clear and concise communication of the abuse to everyone again, repeatedly and ask them what they are going to do about it.

Did your Ex get charged with your attack/(rape wasn't it :( )

Is your son being offered counselling?

Aeroflotgirl · 30/04/2015 13:19

Have you heard anything today baby. I think baby has quite rightly decided, that if she hasen't heard anything, or if there has been no safeguarding measures in place, that enough is enough now. Her son is not a toy that can be played with, and messed about, contact is not going to happen.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/04/2015 13:44

Ex broke the contact order by not showing up 4 times, and still messing about with contact even now, without no thought for ds and no consequences for his actions, or safeguards for ds. Baby is well within her right to say no more now.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/04/2015 17:42

I gather no word from SW, no contact baby, he's going home with you tomorrow Smile.

Original poster
Babynamechange · 30/04/2015 21:12

Hissy after over a year they decided there wasn't enough evidence for a jury to convict on all three counts. I was kind of expecting that though and they wrote a letter basically saying the above and that it wasn't that they didn't believe me etc and also stated that not only did they not believe ex's account, they didn't even find it credible...

It was shortly after that decision that DS said his dad was touching him again.
I did try and get private counselling, just so he had someone completely neutral to talk to, but because SS was involved they couldn't do it x

Aero no nothing...which is a massive massive relief even though I know Friday isn't over yet x

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 30/04/2015 22:05

Why, what are you thinking might happen Friday baby? He raped you 3 times SadShock. Friday might go better than you think. You know what to do if SS say ex wants contact tomorrow.

Original poster
Babynamechange · 30/04/2015 22:13

No aero, the three counts that they need to prove, like it happened, the person didn't want it, the perp knew they didn't.

That friday isn't over as until it is I don't know 100% that he won't be there x

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 30/04/2015 22:21

Oh ok, it looks pretty sure he won't. Can you collect 5 mins early.

AmIbeingTreasonable · 01/05/2015 00:38

Friday lunchtime here, thinking of you Baby and your ds xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
^ that's me keeping everything crossed for you xxx

mathanxiety · 01/05/2015 05:21

I have lurked and followed your threads and I am thinking of you and DS. ((())) to you both.

lunar1 · 01/05/2015 06:15

I hope it goes well today and he doesn't turn up. I think you have every grounds to refuse contact and let him take it back to court as he has breached the order so many times.

FantasticRik · 01/05/2015 06:25

I'll be thinking of you both today Baby xx

Ohfourfoxache · 01/05/2015 06:27

Thinking of you sweetheart, and keeping absolutely everything crossed xx

Aeroflotgirl · 01/05/2015 06:58

Add myself to that too Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 01/05/2015 07:02

Remember, he has broken the order, and is messing his ds about regarding contact, you are as your solicitor has told you, within your rights to refuse further contact and let him take you back to court. This will not go in his favour the fact he is currently messing about with contact, the impact it has on ds. Definitely if it dies go back to court, you need SS to write a report about tge fact that they feel he is unable to put ds needs first and that he us using contact as punishment for baby, which is not what it's supposed to be.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/05/2015 07:48

Just read all through this thread, baby and am sorry to hear that this is still going on with your shithead bastard ex. :( Angry

Your poor DS, what a mess that fucker has created! And SS are just muddling it and making it worse, by the sound of it - lack of joined up thinking? Or failing to collate all knowledge? Don't know but it's not making them look good. Hope you get some satisfaction from the chat with the ombudsman.

And for today - I hope hope hope that that lowlife doesn't show up. I really really do. I wouldn't want him anywhere near my DS if I were you - frankly, he should be flagged as a danger to your DS and yourself and not be allowed anywhere near. The fact that he has repeatedly made it clear that he only wants contact with DS to punish you rings MASSIVE alarm bells for me - and I believe it should to SS as well.

Everything crossed for you and your DS, baby - thinking of you both today Thanks

Original poster
Babynamechange · 01/05/2015 09:32

Ah thank you so much for all your lovely messages and finger crossing and stuff xx
Had a phone call this morning at 8.15 from SS basically saying he's decided he is going to turn up this afternoon :(:(:(:(:(:(. I said that that was unacceptable to do that to DS etc and that the only appropriate action is a gradual reintroduction etc with contact initially supervised in a safe setting and then to take it gradually from there. She agreed but didn't think that there was much chance that ex would be prepared to do that.... I agreed with that but said that it would also give him a chance to demonstrate to everyone he is capable of putting DSs needs first at least in this instance.

She said he'd threatened loads as far as I was concerned but didn't specify what so I'm guessing, as he was speaking to SS, that it was court related and having DS removed etc, but I obviously don't know. She did say that there were lots of threats and she wasn't sure which ones he had or hadn't done as he was ranting, aggressively by the sounds of it...which I can completely imagine...

Anyway she's going to tell him contact isn't happening this afternoon and I've no idea if he will turn up or not :(

I so wish it was better news :(

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/05/2015 09:44

Is he due to come to the house or pick up at school? can you warn the school and maybe have a teacher on standby in case he does turn up?

Aeroflotgirl · 01/05/2015 10:14

What a total utter wanker, who does he think he is. That is good news though as she is going to tell ex contact is not happening, can you contact the HT and tell her the situation, and ask that ds is released to you 5 mins earlier before school ends from a different location. It does not matter one jot what ex wants, it is what is best for the well being and safety of a small vulnerable child. It should never ever be about the adult.

I would put it to SW manager, that if ex is threatening and aggressive to them as professionals, what would a little vulnerable child feel at the hands of a man who cannot put his needs first, with issues of abuse.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/05/2015 10:14

It is from school Thumb, yes good idea.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/05/2015 10:30

The same goes for the next contact, if SS are not prepared to instil safeguarding measures to protect ds and facilitate safe contact (contact centre), contact does not happen. I would also put it to them that if he does take it back to court, you expect them be involved in that and their ibput

Original poster
Babynamechange · 01/05/2015 11:59

I've told the school and I'll be picking him up as normal time wise, but straight from class. If he does turn up and gets all aggressive that will only count against him even more and there's no way I'll let him take DS...

Yes Aero exactly x

OP posts:
Fairy13 · 01/05/2015 12:20

If he does turn up and acts at all agressively baby just call the police.
You need it all documented legally.

Really hope he doesn't show. You are being so brave. x

Mmmnotsure · 01/05/2015 12:25

I think what you say you said to sw sounds very measured and reasonable. Far more so than many people would have been capable of.

I would reiterate that in a follow-up email (that paper trail I am so fond of). I would also put in the email that your understanding was that the sw agreed that contact initially supervised in a safe setting would be a good course of action in the circumstances, but said that ex probably wouldn't agree to that. That you understand that ex's reaction was to make a lot of threats towards you, ranting, in such a manner that the sw couldn't distinguish what were real threats and what were action he had already taken against you. Did he mention ds very much, I wonder?

Doesn't matter whether ex turns up or not. It has been decided that he will not have ds this afternoon. If he wants to see him, after all the missed contacts let alone the disclosures that ds has made re him, then he starts with supervised contact. If you wanted to see your child, you wouldn't care if it was supervised contact in a local church hall or halfway up a mountain on the back of a bear, you would be there because you love your child and want to see them however that is possible.

And tell the ombudsman about developments, too. You can't prepare ds for this, ringing the same morning(!) It is cruel and manipulative and you wouldn't do it to a dog. Ds and his needs are at the centre of it all. Or should be.

Mmmnotsure · 01/05/2015 12:33

Oh, and you are not withholding contact. You are happy to facilitate appropriate contact as agreed with the professional sw who is dealing with ds' case.