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Original poster

Babynamechange update

292 replies

Babynamechange · 27/04/2015 09:47

Just posting here again for traffic as have had so much support before. Long back story, but abusive ex decided to stop turning up for contact after SS decided they didn't have enough evidence of abuse to stop it and had restarted it...great..and a peaceful 2 months ensued

But..
SS have just been in contact and he's now decided that he thinks he wants to start contact with DS again? Not 100% but SS have to support even though, reading between the lines, they think that he is completely incapable of putting DS needs first. It seems all that he's interested in is seeing me punished.. They are going to speak to him again to see if he's going to turn up this week or not...

Any advice?

:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

OP posts:
Icimoi · 27/04/2015 11:49

Aeroflotgirl, the case isn't closed and that court order remains in force unless and until the court overturns it. OP really needs to go back to court rather than taking unilateral action to break the order.

Osmiornica · 27/04/2015 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Babynamechange · 27/04/2015 12:28

Thanks again for all your replies.

The are no live proceedings, although of course the order is current. So if I were to break the order then he would have to start new proceedings if that makes sense?

I know the correct thing to do is to apply for a variation myself, but I don't think he would actually take me to court ... But of course I don't know that?

I've just tried phoning SS again to see if at the very least they would agree to recommending and facilitating a gradual reintroduction of contact. Surely it's unacceptable in anyone's view to push a young child back into full blown staying contact under these circumstances :(

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 12:34

Yes baby's case is closed, if he wanted contact he would have to go to court. I would take ds home with you on Friday, and let him take you back to court. You are concerned for ds safety, you have scared and frightened little boy, you are they one who has to be there for ds, these professionals do their job and go home. Because of what SS told you, are they not concerned for is welfare or safety?

Icimoi · 27/04/2015 12:36

Aeroflotgirl, clearly Social Services don't think he needs a court order to get contact, and they know what is in the previous court order. I'm really worried that if OP followed your advice she might make things worse for herself.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 12:45

How? So it's ok for the abusers to call the shots is it! Yes he would have to go back to court as the case is closed. Op has played be the rules for so long, has watched professionals fail her ds time and time again! Every contact her ds is abused by this individual. Op us currently lodging a complaint against SS.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 12:48

Of course baby has to do what she sees best. At the end of the day its up to her. I personally would call SS and speak to them, I would ask them if they have concerns with ex not able to put ds needs first, how they are protecting him from harm? I would also say to them, that if ds comes from contact and has said that ex has touched him inappropriately, that you will go to the Police, and stop contact.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 12:59

i've spoken to a solicitor and he said that I would have a really strong case not complying and letting him take me back to court

Baby has sought legal advice which basically says the same thing.

Original poster
Babynamechange · 27/04/2015 13:13

What he said was although he couldn't officially advise me to do that as an officer of the court etc, but that if I did I should be in a win win situation. If he doesn't take me back to court great. If he does then at least all the stuff that's been going on during contact is considered x

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 13:22

Baby you have to do what you see fit as ds mother. The SW does not care about ds, the courts do not, they have to fulfil criteria dah dah dah, they go home at night and forget about it. You have to live with the effects of this contact on ds every day. You cannot trust SS to protect ds, nor can you trust the Courts to. Have you spoken to SW? I am sure that he will not show on Friday, but cannot obviously be certain, but if he does and takes ds for contact, if ds tells you that his dad touched his privates in the car, and in the bedroom, than I most definitely be stopping contact and seeing the Police, I would let SW know this week, this is what I intend to do. That is what I would do in your position. Obviously its up to you. I am sure that you will do your very best as you always do Flowers

IggyStrop · 27/04/2015 13:25

No advice from me but have been following your threads since day one and I'm just incredulous this is still going on. You poor thing. Fingers crossed he doesn't show on Friday, and that everyone starts putting your son's needs first.

Original poster
Babynamechange · 27/04/2015 13:28

Thanks iggystrop. I just feel so gutted.
Yes I really hope he doesn't show Friday. SS are supposed to be getting back to me about whether he is or isn't. I just don't get how they seem to be pandering to him though :(

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 13:41

I would ask them, how they are planning to keep ds safe, if he cannot put ds needs first! Due to the time lapsed from contact, would it not be better to gradually introduce it to ds as he is still very little. Remember keep this with you, this same thing happened, and he did not show. Keep positive! Also I would withdraw from contact, if ds has has told you that ex abused him and go to the Police, so keep fighting, keep strong baby.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 13:48

You know why he's doing this, to let you know he is still there. He is using it as a stick to beat you. I am sure he will not turn up on Friday.

CuttingOutTheCrap · 27/04/2015 13:53

Oh no! Like others i really thought you'd seen an end to this. Poor ds, thank god he's got such a strong mum fighting his corner

Andro · 27/04/2015 13:58

I was worried that he might do this! What better way to hurt you and punish your ds than letting you feel secure then pulling the rug from under you?

If the case returned to court, would it return to the child abusert apologist who screwed your family over before?

Original poster
Babynamechange · 27/04/2015 14:09

I know :(
Apparently he's been phoning them up regularly, not to re-start contact, but to try and get me 'punished' ....namely removing Ds

Thanks cuttingOutTheCrap, but I don't feel that strong x

Andro I don't know? I don't think so but tbh that's why I'm most worried about going back to court, or rather being taken back to court

OP posts:
Fairy13 · 27/04/2015 14:09

I haven't read your previous threads. Would you mind linking to them or giving a bit of a synopsis?

Sounds like an awful, awful situation for you, I'm so sorry this is happening.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 14:14

You are strong, the more he talk to SS, the more they understand the nasty, abusive individual they are dealing with. I think he is still obsessed with you, and wants you back. He knows what a good thing he had with you, he tried with your house, he tried with your money and failed, now he is trying with your child. If he is using such language with SW about getting you punished, their red flags will be up with him.

I would try and not to worry about the Court situation, you would be in a much stronger position than you were anyway. But your primary focus now, is not court but protecting ds. I don'w want to sound like a cracked record, you know how I would deal with it.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 27/04/2015 14:26

Before arranging contact they must come and talk to DS and find out what he wants. They cannot schedule contact before they have done that.
Refusing to allow contact is a gamble. Are you willing to take it?

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 14:27

Ehric I would see how contact went this week, if ds reported abuse to me, then yes most definitely, and Police contact.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 14:28

But obviously I am not baby, but I would if I were in her positon.

Hissy · 27/04/2015 14:34

Follow your solicitor's advice. iI think if the original threat of immediate removal (which was in your previous order) has been removed, and this 'man' were to have the only option of returning to court AGAIN, then let him do that.

the fact that he is ON RECORD as trying to get you 'punished', a tactic which has failed, and he is now adopting another tactic to try to punish you and using the court as a weapon to so is now apparent and hopefully will be dealt with swiftly. Contact is for the benefit of the child, and it is clear here that the SS can see that if his father is not capable of even recognising his DS needs (and that is putting it ridiculously mildly when you factor in his ritual and sustained emotional and physical abuse)

I really hope as the previous proceedings are closed, that you would need a new judge. If you can get clarification on this, it would help you feel stronger.

Fairy13 there is a HUUUUGGE backstory to this, much of it under the radar as it were, it's not possible to link or to precis.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 27/04/2015 14:45

Do you have any of that about not understanding DS needs in writing for eg in an assessment or meeting minutes?

Original poster
Babynamechange · 27/04/2015 14:51

Ehric thank you. I wish they would take into account DS's feelings, but they spoke to him 2 months ago and although he was very clear he didn't want to see his dad he couldn't give them a safe guarding reason. Although I'm not sure what he could have said at that point that would have made any difference.
If they spoke to him now they would be in no doubt how he feels but I know they wouldn't be able to stop contact because DS doesn't want to go :(, or because his dad is incapable of considering his needs... because there is a court order in place. As for the other, they decided there wasn't enough evidence and I can't see them back tracking on that as they just don't seem to do that once a decision has been made :(

Hissy thank you, I was wondering how to describe the situation to fairy and you did it perfectly. All my heart is telling me to do that, but like Ehric says it is a gamble :( and in all likelyhood it would be before the same judge.

Aero he would be unlikely to do anything that first weekend...even he isn't that stupid x

OP posts:
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