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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Babynamechange update

292 replies

Babynamechange · 27/04/2015 09:47

Just posting here again for traffic as have had so much support before. Long back story, but abusive ex decided to stop turning up for contact after SS decided they didn't have enough evidence of abuse to stop it and had restarted it...great..and a peaceful 2 months ensued

But..
SS have just been in contact and he's now decided that he thinks he wants to start contact with DS again? Not 100% but SS have to support even though, reading between the lines, they think that he is completely incapable of putting DS needs first. It seems all that he's interested in is seeing me punished.. They are going to speak to him again to see if he's going to turn up this week or not...

Any advice?

:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

OP posts:
OurGlass · 27/04/2015 09:57

He's so grim. Can't believe this is still going on.

Original poster
Babynamechange · 27/04/2015 10:18

Thanks ourglass. I thought it was finally over, but no :( x

OP posts:
youmakemydreams · 27/04/2015 10:33

Wish I had some advice I really do. I think about you often and really hoped there was an end to this for you. Sad cannot believe how much the system has failed your little boy.

hashbrownnofilter · 27/04/2015 10:33

Oh god baby, I have been following you and thought this was going to be over now. No advice but support for you and I hope a smarter person than me can give you some help. Flowers for you and your son.

ollieplimsoles · 27/04/2015 10:36

Bumping this for you op, didn't see the last thread but from your brief description it sounds like a really nasty situation,

I really hope you get some good advice here again xx Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 10:38

I would insist SW come this week before contact, to speak to ds. I would call them, and tell them your concerns, at least now they can see what he is doing and will be on the ball. I would also tell them that when there was no contact, ds behaviour improved so much, he was happy, in his words, over the moon, before contact, he is withdrawn, sad etc. Why is ex being allowed to call the shots, you are concerned ds needs are not being put first, and insist SW comes, before contact to talk to ds. This is absolutely shitty of ex. I think SS can now see that he is using contact as a form of control, and not because he wants to see ds and have a relationship with him.

I hope he is full of hot air, and is just threatening, you know they do not always come to fruit. As you have said, he does not even want the contact he has. If he keeps being inconsistant with contact, this does not look favourable for him.

BlackeyedSusan · 27/04/2015 10:41

offs, here I was thinking that it was ver. (have been following your other thread)

ask social services to resume theirsatying safe work with ds.

ask social services to recommend gradual reintroduction of contact given the break.

ask school to record any changes in his behaviour if contact is resumed.

ask social services for their reasons for contact resuming, and their recommendation that it will resume.

ask them to reconsider their decision that each thing is seperate in line with the latest serious case reviews. (daniel pelka and another one.. were cited for not having linked evidence from several places. )

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 10:41

I would tell SW this week, that if ds tells that his dad has sexually abused him, than he will not be going for contact again, and that the Police will be involved. He cannot be allowed to call the shots and to do as he pleases, its time that authorities put ds needs and safety first.

FlyingPirate · 27/04/2015 10:45

Oh god, Im sorry he's doing this again. I have no advice just lending you my support. I hope SS come to their senses this time. Have you heard from the ombudsman yet?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 27/04/2015 10:47

Sorry this is still continuing... You're being let down by the system. Horrid for you and your lad!

Is this contact supervised?? ( by social services).

If not, please do not let your son go... He's being put at risk... While soc services dick about.

Original poster
Babynamechange · 27/04/2015 10:58

Thanks so much for your replies..
I've asked if they are now going to restart the keep safe work with DS and they said yes.
They're supporting it in the sense he is using them as a go between/rant about me type thing and there is a court order, so in their view they are having to facilitate it :(. So definitely not recommending it as such and they said they hadn't tried to persuade him to either.

Their view was that he finds it 'very hard/impossible' to consider DS's needs and that he was mainly interested in trying to get them to punish me which they are obviously unable to do Confused

I've spoken to a solicitor and he said that I would have a really strong case not complying and letting him take me back to court.

At the minute I'm thinking that if SS come back to me and say that he is definitely coming this Friday then I'll tell them I'm not complying

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 11:05

You now have to call the shots. The great thing is, they can now see what you are seeing. It was good that he was not turning up to contact, but at the back of your mind, there is always that worry that he could, this might be it. At least you will have SS support on your side in court, and he would have to reapply to contact through the court. There might not be the same judge as there was, as a bit of time has passed, and you certainly won't get the guardian. please keep positive, it is looking better now, it seems as though the right people are on your side, they can see him for how he is.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 11:07

The case is closed, you have every reason not to comply, if you do not, he would have to reapply. I think he is ranting, and threatening you, he probably won't turn up on Friday, though obviously I cannot definitely say that, but I think he is scaring you.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 11:08

If he did reapply you have evidence of him not turning up, and SS behind you, who would provide documented support for you in court.

Original poster
Babynamechange · 27/04/2015 11:11

Thanks aero. I kept saying that. That they could now clearly understand what I've been dealing with. They said all the conversations with him were very difficult and he couldn't grasp anything about DS's needs.

I don't know if I'll actually have their support... At the end of the day although they can see what I'm dealing with, they still said contact should go ahead because of the court order. I can't see them writing a statement with, yes he's incapbable of considering Ds but we recommend contact continuing anyway due to the court order etc....that just won't happen :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Babynamechange · 27/04/2015 11:12

Yes I think he is trying to scare me too. I know he doesn't want to turn up and SS still don't know if he's actually going yo turn up this Friday

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 11:16

But if you did stop the contact, and he had to reapply, SS would have to input as it is a whole new contact I presume. They can write their view on the situation because ds is under them. Yes that is his way of letting you know he is there, not because he wants to see ds, I didnt think he would go quietly. He was ranting twice, and did not show up to contact. I think its his way of letting you know he's there.

ICanTotallyDance · 27/04/2015 11:17

Sad I am so upset and angry for you babynamechange I thought that everything was finished.

Are you able to keep your DS home and wait to see if anyone takes action over that?

Sorry I can't give better advice. I hope someone else can. Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 11:18

What you have said in the top paragraph, they would write that presumably in their support in court. Not grasping anything about ds needs and unable to put ds first, means that he is open to abuse and neglect and is vulnerable when with his dad.

CrapBag · 27/04/2015 11:21

I have been following your threads for a while although I did lose the last one.

How shit this is still dragging on. It really gets me that the welfare of a little boy is being very very overlooked and it's all about the so called needs and wants of the feckless and abusive father.

Could you not facilitate contact this week and let him take you back to court (if he does)? I know he threatens to go for full residency but given he hasn't bothered for 2 months and SS are now involved, because of the father and not the mother, is he likely to take it to court or if he does is he even likely to get residence? I admit I don't understand why a court would take a child away from his home to live with the other parent just because they want it. I thought in the majority of cases a mother is the the one who gets residency?

Penguinsaresmall · 27/04/2015 11:28

So sorry to hear that Baby, I really hoped it was all done and dusted Sad.

I agree, absolutely 100% with Aeroflot that you now need to stand firm, refuse contact and wait for him to take you back to Court. I know that's scary, but you have even more on your side now - he broke the contact order, not you, by not turning up for weeks on end.

The fact is, you are genuinely scared for your DCs safety in his care, so cannot allow contact; ie it's not about not 'wanting' contact, you simply have no choice but to stop it happening as it is not safe.

Stand firm, refuse contact and wait for the Court date. In the short term the good news is it gives you breathing space whilst a court date is being sorted and could take weeks....

In the mean time, get all the support you can; from the Solicitor, from Womens Aid, from Woman's Trust; anywhere and everywhere you can. But definitely stand firm on this. You can do it Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 11:41

I totally agree penguine, he should not be allowed to call the shots, and should always be about ds and his safety and needs. If he does take you back to court again, SS will probably provide their input in the new order, and you can ask for the court of appeal judgement to be used in court, the one that the judge said that ex was impervious to ds needs and recommended supervised contact, that one.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 11:41

Yes yes he broke the contact order, I would collect him on Friday afternoon, after school.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 11:42

hopefully that same judge has moved on.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 11:45

On a positive, even that same judge was getting tired of ex, ex was himself in court, he told judge that he is ds father and can do what he wants, touch him how he wants. Judge told him that if he carried on, he will open himself up to trouble. Well he has, Police and SS are involved now, because ex has abused ds and there are concerns from SS that he cannot grasp ds needs and put him first.