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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Babynamechange update

292 replies

Babynamechange · 27/04/2015 09:47

Just posting here again for traffic as have had so much support before. Long back story, but abusive ex decided to stop turning up for contact after SS decided they didn't have enough evidence of abuse to stop it and had restarted it...great..and a peaceful 2 months ensued

But..
SS have just been in contact and he's now decided that he thinks he wants to start contact with DS again? Not 100% but SS have to support even though, reading between the lines, they think that he is completely incapable of putting DS needs first. It seems all that he's interested in is seeing me punished.. They are going to speak to him again to see if he's going to turn up this week or not...

Any advice?

:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

OP posts:
Original poster
Babynamechange · 27/04/2015 14:53

Ehric no, this was said to me verbally today.... I just can't see them confirming it in writing, that would be way too helpful :(

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 15:13

He has been contacting SS regularly, it seems as though they are building up a profile of him, and part of that is the incapibility of putting ds needs first and being oblivious to them. He is hanging himself with the rope he has made. Be rested in the fact, that they will not remove ds from you and put him with a man of that nature. I agree with hissy, he would have to reapply for contact, yes there is an order but the case is closed. This puts baby I think in a much better position to refuse contact due to ds safety and wellbeing. The main reason for her complying with the contact, was the threat of residency reversal, which is very unlikely now and I don't think stands.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 15:15

can you not ask them to put it in writing, baby, or put it in ds file. tThe primary aim of SS is not to trip you up, but to protect your ds, if that means confirming what they said, than they have to do it! They might be aware that you are lodging a complaint against them with the Ombudsman, all the more for them to dot their i and cross their t.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 15:16

They are now seeing him for the man he is, so even more onus to protect your ds,

BlackeyedSusan · 27/04/2015 15:19

I would go with your solicitors advice. whatever you do is going to be a gamble.

you now have evidence that ex is not taking up all the contact available to him.

the longer you stall it the more likely ds is able to tell out as he gets older everyday and better at language and has done more of the keep safe work.

why the fuck though should it be for a child to have to protect themselves from an abuser...

is it still necessary for the court porceedings to go before the same judge.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 27/04/2015 15:19

They need to come and visit him again to ascertain his wishes before anything happens regarding contact. They are not there to enforce the court order - they can only override it with sufficient evidence but they can't insist you agree to it.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 15:24

I agree, they need to come and see ds before Friday, you need to insist on that.

Original poster
Babynamechange · 27/04/2015 15:47

Aero I'm going to ask if they will out it in writing. Like you say, this should be all about Ds and nothing else.

Susan yes he's not taking up the contact and he's been leaving DS waiting with no word nothing, which shows just an appalling lack of any concern whatsoever. I'm guessing it will be the same judge, but it may well not be as it's been so long?

Ehric, yes that's true, they are not. Facilitate maybe but not enforce. I'm going to ask that they see him before Friday xx

Finally had word from the ombudsman and they want to talk to me tomorrow

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 27/04/2015 15:55

If there is a new court application will there need to be a new section 7? Can you check that with the SW?

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 15:55

Yes it should be, you need to remind them, that this is very important information, relating to the wellbeing and welfare of ds, and needs to be properly documented. It does look positive for you, baby, you can remind SS that you are seeing the Ombudsman, that might give them the push to do things correctly, and to put ds welfare and safety up there. Who does the hell think he is, decided to see ds, he is not a toy to be picked up and left at his leisure. Why is he being allowed to call the shots, it should be ds at the centre of all this. He cannot suddenly decide, SS should be putting measures in to ensure ds well being. Not just saying, yes ok, when can you come for contact Mr X.

BlackeyedSusan · 27/04/2015 15:59

It is a shitty system that presumes that unsupervised contact is better than crap that children put up with.

Original poster
Babynamechange · 27/04/2015 16:05

ehric I'll check that.
The person who wanted to speak to me today was a manager and not our normal SW. I'm actually thinking that's because the ombudsman has already been in touch with them and our case has therefore been highlighted. Why else would a manager be speaking to him and doing all this facilitating contact stuff. It doesn't make any sense unless they are once again trying to cover their arses. They've known for the last 2 months that he wasn't going to turn up but no one bothered to talk to us until now....pretty appalling really if you think about it.

I know I didn't chase them but that's because I was afraid of yanking his tail...they don't have that excuse

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 16:18

Good baby ombudsman is on the case, all the more for them to do it properly. That gives you an advantage, you can start putting your foot down. First things first, insist that you want what was said in the telephone call properly documented. You want them to come out and talk to ds, ASAP and a gradual introduction to contact due to a significant amount of time passing. All concerns regarding abuse to be acted upon and taken seriously.

Ohfourfoxache · 27/04/2015 17:37

Oh Baby Sad

No advice (I can't top what has already been offered on this thread) but know that I'm thinking of you both and sending you an enormous hug x

Hope ShitStreak crawls back under the putrid rock he's been hiding under these last few weeks.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 17:40

I hope shitstreak crashes his blooming truck and dies Angry, sorry but he really is a horrid and evil piece of work

Ohfourfoxache · 27/04/2015 17:40

Just seen update re ombudsman - thank god. Everything crossed. So many of these "professionals" that you've had to deal with should be sacked and/or jailed for their utter incompetence. They are not fit for purpose Sad Angry

Ohfourfoxache · 27/04/2015 17:43

As long as he's the only one hurt in the process Aero. I firmly believe that large brick walls have a multitude of uses.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 17:47

Oh yes, only him and nobody else. I will probably be jumped on for that comment, but this really is a nasty piece of work who has raped and abused baby, abuses her ds, and uses contact to abuse her and her ds more. So pardon me if I am really Angry

Ohfourfoxache · 27/04/2015 18:00

I agree with you completely Aero. I think it would certainly make Baby's life much easier.

And if his behaviour with Baby/ds is anything to go by, you can bet your bottom dollar that he treats other people with the same thorough nastiness and evil attitude.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 18:08

It's the only way baby and her ds are going to be free of him, unless the 'professionals' pull their finger out and start treating it with the seriousness it deserves and needs.

tiredoutgran · 27/04/2015 18:09

I can't believe this has come back to haunt you, I lost your posts although I have thought about you often. You have had some fab advice so far, personally, if I were you, I think I would cover my back. I would not allow unsupervised, and definitely not staying, contact. I would insist on SS arranging a contact centre, tell them that safeguarding is their job, and a social worker to closely supervise contact for a short and set period of time, initially (and there should be no contact with you at all). This is essential because DS hasn't seen father for a while and is upset about having to. The other option, if police are already involved, is to ask them to apply for an emergency protection order. I understand that this will temporarily supersede the contact order until such time as it is taken back into court (I could be wrong though). Surely the police would not allow this man to have any contact with a child he is been investigated has having abused. The whole thing is like legalised torture for you and your DS. I wish you luck whichever way you go, I hope he just disappears from your lives forever, evil twat!

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 18:19

Some great advice from tiredoutgran great suggestions, put it to them baby.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 27/04/2015 18:26

Sorry tiredgran but police powers of protection are not for situations like this. The police cannot do what you suggest.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 18:54

I would certainly though do what Tiredoutgran said about social worker organising a supervised contact at first at a contact centre, as ds has not seen his father for a while. Indeed, safguarding is their job, ds would be put potentially in a very volatile situation with his dad.

OliviaBenson · 27/04/2015 18:57

I'm so sorry baby. I've been following your threads and I thought he'd finally gone away.

I think the timing with the ombudsman is interesting and could work in your favour here.

Your ex seems to hate any outside involvement- if contact were to take place in a contact centre at the insistence of SS would he give up? I wonder if that's something to suggest. It all seems so so so wrong, but it does sound like he has shown his true self to SS at least.

Xx