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AIBU?

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Original poster

Babynamechange update

292 replies

Babynamechange · 27/04/2015 09:47

Just posting here again for traffic as have had so much support before. Long back story, but abusive ex decided to stop turning up for contact after SS decided they didn't have enough evidence of abuse to stop it and had restarted it...great..and a peaceful 2 months ensued

But..
SS have just been in contact and he's now decided that he thinks he wants to start contact with DS again? Not 100% but SS have to support even though, reading between the lines, they think that he is completely incapable of putting DS needs first. It seems all that he's interested in is seeing me punished.. They are going to speak to him again to see if he's going to turn up this week or not...

Any advice?

:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2015 19:02

I agree, the timing of the Ombudsman could not be better Smile. That is why you have to sit down and write points to tell the SW. The key words are safeguarding and ds safety and well being. I most certainly would point out to the SW, that your ds has disclosed abuse to the Police and SW, ex was under investigation for it, you feel that because of this, and because of ex temperament, ds safety and wellbeing might be at stake, in addition to not seeing his father for a long while, you feel it would be in ds best interests for contact to be gradual, and supervised within a contact centre.

Hissy · 27/04/2015 20:19

Are phone calls to SS recorded for safety/security of SW staff?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 27/04/2015 20:36

In general Hissy? No.

Fairy13 · 27/04/2015 21:10

Not in my office Hissy. I'm an adult services social worker, not child protection though.

They are recorded at our initial contact centre though but not at area office level (as far as I'm aware)

Hissy · 27/04/2015 22:39

Shame! Funny how the bloody insurance companies or mobile phone provider can record the call for training purposes, but a life is in the balance...

I know it's for confidentiality purposes, but still. If calls were recorded there would be proof of his bullying tactics.

Thanks both for answering my question Smile

Fairy13 · 28/04/2015 06:19

They should though be recording every single conversation and its content on a case note, which can be used as evidence.

neepsandtatties · 28/04/2015 06:36

Sorry if I am stating the obvious but if you decide not to allow contact on Friday, keep your intentions to yourself (rather than telling the social workers you will be doing this, at which point they will inform him) - it's still quite likely he won't turn up so you don't want to 'miss' the chance of another strike against his name.

sebsmummy1 · 28/04/2015 06:47

baby. Not that this is in anyway helpful now, but in the future your son will have a very good case against the Government for compensation as they failed refused to keep him safe.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/04/2015 07:59

Baby he has a form for this, I personally don't think he will turn up on Friday, but nevertheless SS should be meeting with ds before, they should be introducing contact gradually preferably in a supervised setting. Write down key points that you would like SS to do, remember they are probably aware they are being investigated by the ombudsman, so use that to your advantage. As ds mum, you know what's best, not these professionals, who go home at night and forget all about it.

Original poster
Babynamechange · 28/04/2015 09:34

Thank you all so much for your messages. You are all helping so much x

I've had a chance to think and to mull over what you've all said.

Olivier I don't think the timing of the ombudsman is an accident. They contacted me last week which coincides with when this manager started talking to DS's dad. She also let slip that he always picks up his phone implying she instigated the conversation. When I asked her why no one informed me that he wasn't going to turn up even though they knew (leaving DS completely not knowing what was going on), she brushed it off completely and said it was because it wasn't until now that he said he might... which is actually no answer at all.

I think the ombudsman contacted them, manager was involved and updated, told no one had been in touch with us, and then had to come up with an arse covering answer, contacted dad etc etc... then decided to tell me that he 'might' be showing for contact this week giving that change as the reason we weren't told before...if that makes any sense?

I agree with aero, I don't think he is going to turn up this Friday..

Hissy no they don't. I have asked and it was a flat no... but thanks to ehric and fairy for confirming its not just this region

neepsandtatties I agree

So I kind of have a plan now...
The ombudsman has a telephone appointment with me today. I'll tell her everything including the facts from this latest thing from which she can draw her own conclusions.

I'll wait for the SS manager to call me back with conformation of whether he intends to turn up or not. Like I said, I don't think he will. If it's a yes, I'll then do what tiredoutgran and quite a few others suggested and insist that contact is gradual and supervised at first....for DS's benefit. Which is not unreasonable at all and for someone so lacking in empathy for a child will give him a chance to show he can consider DS's needs after all. He will undoubtedly refuse this as its not on his terms. I think I then have much stronger grounds to not comply with the order Friday as DS is extremely upset at the prospect, he put DS through all that, accepts no responsibility as to why SS stopped contact in the first place so will undoubtedly repeat it, and then won't even agree to a gradual reintroduction of contact for the benefit and reassurance of DS...

What do you think?
xx

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 28/04/2015 09:41

Fantastic, now as the mother of ds, you have to call the shots. That is what you are doing, well done you. I would also put it to the SW manager, that you would like what has been said to you yesterday, documented on ds file. Considering you have highlighted concerns regarding the inability for ds dad to put ds needs first, and to consider ds needs in addition to concerns regarding abuse of ds, ds partial disclosure, how they are then safeguarding ds, what measures are they putting in place to ensure ds is not going to come to harm during contact! Please don't be gutted, be fighting strong like you always are baby, don't let this get you down. SS sound totally inadequate and inept, you have a fantastic plan Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 28/04/2015 09:43

He is making lots of rope to hang himself with, talking to SW about seeing you punished, that is not what they want to hear, that does imply that contact for him is not about getting to know ds, and building a relationship with him, but using it against you.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/04/2015 09:57

He might just say yes, to keep you in suspense and not turn up

Mmmnotsure · 28/04/2015 10:09

I don't know how it works in this situation, Baby, but cannot it be you who puts in writing what has been said to you by ss and send ?email it to them, to include what the ss said about him wanting to punish you, being unable to see ds's needs, etc, etc? It will also ensure there is a timeline, so for eg it is clear that the phone call to ex happened after the ombudsman popped up.

In other areas of business when there is something important at stake, it's normal for both parties to summarise their understanding of the situation/the meeting.

Mmmnotsure · 28/04/2015 10:20

Or would writing it down put ss on their guard and mean they didn't talk to you so much, so you wouldn't gain so much information on the phone in the future? In which case it would perhaps not help.

I'm sorry, baby. Like lots of others, I wish I knew of a way to fix this. It will end in the end. Ds will grow older, become more articulate, and probably go the way of your ex's other son/s(?) and have no contact. But of course the fact that things will get better doesn't really help make you feel any better about the present day-to-day.

Original poster
Babynamechange · 28/04/2015 10:21

Mmmnotsure that is a genius idea!..... especially presenting it as a way of summarising my understanding of the conversation. Thank you!

Aero he could well say yes to play games, but I'm sure he also likes the attention he thinks he's getting for being so petulant

OP posts:
Original poster
Babynamechange · 28/04/2015 10:23

Sorry cross posted. Yes I'll bear that in mind too. Like I said I'll do nothing at all until they've confirmed whether or not he's coming x

OP posts:
Mmmnotsure · 28/04/2015 10:36

You could draft the letter/email anyway. That way you will be sure it is accurate. And send when and if it will be useful.

For now, you could always email it to yourself/your solicitor/someone trusted for reference, so it is a contemporaneous record of the conversations with ss.

diddl · 28/04/2015 11:19

So SS know that the guy isn't interested in seeing his son, definitely hasn't bothered for two months, why aren't they suggesting supervised contact?

Aren't they supposed to be working on what's best for the OP's little boy??

diddl · 28/04/2015 11:22

Also, they do realise what it puts the boy through, even if he wanted to see his dad??

So how long is this allowed to go on for before that becomes an issue for them??

I mean it reads like the plot of a bad movie.

I really wish it was all made upSad

Penguinsaresmall · 28/04/2015 11:39

baby that sounds like a good plan to me...

And if you do not feel ready to hold out for no contact, definitely say it needs to be supervised. I hope the appointment goes well with the Ombudsman; will be thinking of you.

Penguinsaresmall · 28/04/2015 11:41

diddl sadly this situation is much more common that people realise - if the father is persistent enough, it doesn't seem to matter what he's done Sad

Original poster
Babynamechange · 28/04/2015 11:41

I agree diddl, it's just ridiculous. Even the fact that they're are giving air time to him thinking he 'might' turn up is just bizzare.
As you say, the potential rejection DS would feel too :(

I've just spoken to the ombusman and I think it went well x

OP posts:
Original poster
Babynamechange · 28/04/2015 11:45

Thanks penguins, I hope it leaves us fairly water tight if he does take it back to court x

OP posts:
Original poster
Babynamechange · 28/04/2015 11:54

She did say they hadn't been in touch with SS though, which blows my theory out the window.... Although it just does seem such a coincidence x

OP posts: