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Original poster

Babynamechange update

292 replies

Babynamechange · 27/04/2015 09:47

Just posting here again for traffic as have had so much support before. Long back story, but abusive ex decided to stop turning up for contact after SS decided they didn't have enough evidence of abuse to stop it and had restarted it...great..and a peaceful 2 months ensued

But..
SS have just been in contact and he's now decided that he thinks he wants to start contact with DS again? Not 100% but SS have to support even though, reading between the lines, they think that he is completely incapable of putting DS needs first. It seems all that he's interested in is seeing me punished.. They are going to speak to him again to see if he's going to turn up this week or not...

Any advice?

:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 28/04/2015 11:55

I am shocked that SS are even allowing him to treat a vulnerable boy like this, hopefully with Ombudsman on their case, it will make them get their finger out and do their job properly. Yes its his way of saying, Im still here, don't you forget it. You know he doesen't want contact, he does not want the contact he has, he would never in a million years be able to look after ds, this just would not happen. Who the hell does he think he is! Yes get everything in writing and documented, and set out your terms for contact, its high time they put this little boys needs and safety first, instead of pandering to an abusive, narcessistic bully.

rumbleinthrjungle · 28/04/2015 14:18

Baby, don't let them get away with any nonsense regarding you and ds sitting in a car park on four occasions with a small child who had no idea whether or not his parent would appear. If they knew ex did not intend to show up and they did not communicate this and so allowed ds to sit there with a packed suitcase and experience the rejection ex is using to punish him for making disclosures of abuse then that is utterly reprehensible. There is absolutely no acceptable reason for that. It needs to form the basis of a complaint, in writing. The primary client here is ds. For SS, for court, for everyone, this is about the child not about ex.

I also suggest asking for a risk assessment of ex coercing or punishing ds for those disclosures and threatening him regarding making any future disclosures. How do they intend to safeguard ds in this?

How nice for ex that now he might like to reinstate contact. How would SS like you to explain this to ds after he has been repeatedly let down? Has anyone put on record any work done with ex to explain that this is damaging and unacceptable and not in ds's interests? Particularly as this was all about ex punishing ds for disclosing?

I could also wonder if, now they see clearly that ex's main interest is in causing you as much pain and distress as possible using ds as the weapon, why they feel enabling him to continue is in ds's best interests?

Under the circumstances, asking for supervised contact at a contact centre seems absolutely reasonable, but your experiences over the past few years are anything but based on reason, sense or the best interests of the child and is largely based on covering beaurocratic bums. If this ever, God forbid, goes to a serious case review heads will roll in all directions.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/04/2015 14:20

Yyyyyy to rumble you hit the bullseye. Exactly!

rumbleinthrjungle · 28/04/2015 14:24

To add another thought: It's sounding to me like SS are a bit wary of upsetting ex and are finding him a client to 'keep sweet' - paraphrasing from a recent nationally known serious case review, if they as experienced professionals are keen to keep him on side because he's difficult and alarming, how do they feel a small boy might experience this man and his behaviour? Or be equipped to challenge abusive behaviour?

diddl · 28/04/2015 14:27

OMG!

It's worse than I thought.

I assumed(sorry) that the guy had "just" not turned up to collect from OPs house.

That the poor boy had a suitcase & was waiting in a car park!

And that SS could have saved OP the anguish/bother as well!

Aeroflotgirl · 28/04/2015 14:46

Exactly! I would take it from rumbles angle, and use that within the complaint to the ombudsman, tgat SS knew he wasent turning up to contact, yet failed to inform you, so ds had to go through the stress and anguish time and time again. Tgat puts them in the shit!

Newlywed2013 · 28/04/2015 14:50

Thinking of you baby!
I'm sure this has been suggested to you before, but keep record of these threads so you can show ds the lengths you went through to keep him safe!

Original poster
Babynamechange · 28/04/2015 14:52

Exactly rumble...to both your posts. I know they find him intimidating and extremely difficult and hard to placate.... No one seems to be making that connection though :(. It's just bizzare

I also asked if anyone had spoken to him about his parenting and she actually gave a nervous laugh! Says it all doesn't it :(

Diddl the first 2 missed contacts he was supposed to pick DS from school. On the first first DS was waiting 45 minutes before the school felt they could call me, so an hour before I got there. The second I was lurking in the school car park so DS was probably waiting 20 mins. Both times he had his bag with him to go and was really worried.
The third time was Easter when he was supposed to have him 5 nights. That's when we had to wait in the carpark (neutral meeting place 10 miles from where we live as he's not to know where we live). The 4th time was back at school and as soon as I knew he wasn't there again, I went straight in to get DS... So he wasn't kep waiting and I kept his bag in the car to try and make DS less worried x

But no word from SS the entire time

OP posts:
Original poster
Babynamechange · 28/04/2015 14:55

Aero I told them about that. More to give a picture of the basic lack of care/consideration really...

Thanks newlywed x

OP posts:
diddl · 28/04/2015 15:19

Truly awful.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/04/2015 15:41

That's good, I am Shock at the SW reaction, as good as a chocolate tea pot. It just shows how inept and inadequate they are, this should be within your complaint, about SS failure to put ds welfare and safety first. Rumble was right on the money.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/04/2015 15:43

Do not accept any of this. You know they do not care one bit about ds, if they fail to come back with adequate safeguards to ensure ds safety and wellbeing, you are well within your rights to withdraw contact, I would. Let the b"£$^% take you back to court, I don't think he will go through that effort.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/04/2015 15:45

You have complied with contact for so long even when you were unsure of ds safety, ds and you have been failed time and time again, by the so called professionals who are meant to protect him. Sometimes you have to take the bull by the horns and do what YOU think as a mother, is best for your ds. Its ok, the SW and Judge can go home and forget about it, they do not have a vested interest in ds, he's another number to them, but to you, he is the most precious thing in the world. As your solicitor has said, you have a strong case for withdrawing from contact.

Chippednailvarnish · 28/04/2015 15:51

I can't add anything useful, but I hope things change for you both.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/04/2015 16:09

Sw managers nervous laugh about a totally serious question regarding ex ability to parent just says it all really.

tiredoutgran · 28/04/2015 17:05

Rumble was spot on! Put the social workers on the spot if they tell you he wants contact. Put it to them in writing and through the post, with proof of postage and receipt.

In the letter state what was said to you, ask that in the circumstances, as they are responsible for safeguarding DS (get this in every chance you get), what action they propose to take to ensure that DS is safe, and his needs met, during any contact with his abusive father who does not put his needs first. Ask for them to confirm in writing, prior to any further contact taking place, what they plan to do, ask them what they have done so far to ensure the father is fit to have unsupervised contact in the light of their comments to you.

This way you put the ball firmly in their court, they are not going to want to put anything into writing unless their backs are well and truly covered. Don't forget to put in about him not turning up for contact, and DS being left uncollected at school, and anything else that you may want to produce in court to back up your case in the future. You are actually in a really strong position at the moment I think!

Aeroflotgirl · 28/04/2015 17:28

I do totally agree tired, baby, you have some excellent advice on here, so please don't feel gutted, this is actually as tired has said, looking positive, you also have the Ombudsman on their case, so all the more to do things properly for them. Even though ex was not showing, there was always in the back of the mind, that he could. Hopefully, the proper interventions by the agencies meant to protect your ds, will keep him away forever.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/04/2015 18:18

Considering SS have told you that ds dad cannot put ds needs first, if they do not come up with proper safeguarding measures to protect ds well being and safety, you are well within your rights to not comply with contact. Even when you have contacted NSPCC and Police and they have said that if you are concerned with ds safety, not to comply with contact, and you did as you feared that residency will be reveresed. You have every right to. I would also contact the NSPCC and ask for their advice too.

CurbsideProphet · 28/04/2015 18:52

baby I'm so upset and furious for you. Bloody ridiculous that they knew all this time he wasn't going to show up.

I agree with the poster who suggested you note down what was said in the phone call with SS Manager, then email it to SW/Manager/Obudsman.

baby as ever I am in awe of your strength Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 28/04/2015 19:15

Again SS have come out trumps with their utter ineptitude.

CrapBag · 28/04/2015 22:08

Totally agree aerofleet it is absolutely disgusting that they allowed a small boy to be stood around in a fucking car park waiting when they knew his dad wasn't going to turn up. It makes me want to cry for him. Sad

God they are so useless there are no words! Why why why does no one, expect OP, care about the welfare of this child? Why the fuck is it all about what the fucking 'dad' wants?! I want to bang my head against a wall so goodness knows how you feel baby. Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 28/04/2015 22:34

It is absolutely disgusting isent it crap, SW manger ration to a perfectly legitimate question from baby, was met with a nervous laugh. Thus is the type if ineptitude that baby is up against. They are not fit for purpose, more suited to organising a drunken hen party in Blackpool!

Aeroflotgirl · 28/04/2015 22:35

SW manager should be sacked

Aeroflotgirl · 29/04/2015 08:30

baby it is no coincidence that the SW manager has contacted you, just when the Ombudsman is investigating, I think they have most certainly been in touch with them, she is arse covering. You use the Ombudsman to your advantage, to get the protection and safeguards that you need to protect ds. No safeguards, no contact. Yes phone conversation that you had with SW manager, needs to be documented, and you need a copy.

It is astounding that SS have treated you and ds in such a shoddy way, allowing ds to stand there in the car park waiting on each contact, the emotions that accompany that each time, knowing full well that ex is not coming to contact is astounding. Then having the audacity, to call you up Monday and tell you that ex might want contact on Friday just like that, with no consideration to ds safety and well being, no safeguards in place, knowing that ex is unable to put ds needs first, there are concerns about abuse to ds, ds partial disclosure and the keep safe work with ds, is shocking.

I hope that you have added all this to the complaint.

diddl · 29/04/2015 08:35

I think SWs must also lose sight of who they are supposed to be working for.

Sadly I suppose not everything said by either party can be taken as gospel without proof.

But the are supposed to act for the child.

Who doesn't want to see his father, has mentioned abuse, so where is the caution that they should be displaying?

I suppose it comes down to money also re using a contact centre...

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