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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect child next door not to run, bang and scream all night and keep us all awake?

157 replies

Jaleh · 24/04/2015 13:33

I'm at end of tether! We moved into our 2-bedroom flat 7 weeks ago, it's 12-months contract so can't move again just yet.
I run my business from home. DH gets up 6am for work but none of us can sleep much because selfish NDN don't control their child!

NDN have child he is about 2 or 3. He sleeps until middle of every day (blissful silence until then) but then he is screaming, shouting, tantruming and running stomping in their flat, noise doesn't stop until approx 3am. He is very very loud and walls are very very thin and floors are wooden so even gentle footsteps make loud echo. In daytime it's maddening because I'm trying to work. I can't hear clients on phone in my bedroom (furthest room from party-wall) and they say they can hear him down phone! I wear earplugs all day but they just muffle noise so it's still big problem to concentrate. Can't wear them at night as I need to hear my own DC if get up or call for me.

Me, DH and our DC are waking 5-6 times a night, often noise is so bad we can't return to sleep for hours. Just when it becomes quiet, he starts screaming and running again. Sounds like he is running wall-wall screaming at same time, slamming himself into party-wall. He also hits party-wall with toys and bangs on walls and floor all night.

When I knock on their door no-one ever answers, even when I know they are at home and I knock many times. So 2 weeks ago I wrote a polite message and put it under their door but nothing is different and they don't acknowledge message.

AIBU to think it is very very wrong to allow child to behave like this? My DC never banged on walls in night, never allowed to run about in night. It is a block of flats not a playground!! What can I do?

OP posts:
SolomanDaisy · 24/04/2015 18:31

I wouldn't call social services for noise, but I do wonder if the child might actually be being left alone. The neighbour doesn't answer the door and sometimes comes in at three a.m. Most partners wouldn't want to stay up until three with a child to make the shifts easier. Obviously not enough to merit calling social services, but enough to keep trying to meet the family.

QuintShhhhhh · 24/04/2015 18:33

"Would you like it if that happened to you?"

But it would not happen to me.

And it would not happen to somebody with a little more concern for engaging with, or tackling the problem and being considerate to their neighbours.

QuintShhhhhh · 24/04/2015 18:34

Good point, what if the child is alone??

It is about time we stop tip toeing around the issues, maybe more children would have better childhoods.

6Musiclover · 24/04/2015 18:39

I'd be giving SS a call.

juneau · 24/04/2015 18:42

It is totally irrelevant whether the child has SEN or not. The fact is that the OP and her family can neither sleep nor work and the NDN will not engage with them in any way to give them an explanation.

But this right here is your get-out clause if you are of a mind to break your contract before the 12 months are up I phoned our letting-agent a week ago, she said she spoke to them in past for same noise and said she will speak to them again. The letting agent was clearly aware of the intrusive noise from the next-door property and failed to make you aware of that. I'd be speaking to a solicitor if it was me.

Bogeyface · 24/04/2015 18:43

It could be a home alone job actually, not thought of that.

Parent puts child to bed, parent goes to work, child gets up, all hell breaks loose.

Its a possibility and the risk of what could happen to the child if he was alone merits a call to SS to say that you are concerned that this is happening.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 24/04/2015 18:46

If you thought he was alone calling SS is fair enough.

If you call SS and report them for neglect just because he is noisy and you want them to do something to make him quiet..that is a shitty thing to do to a parent.

QuintShhhhhh · 24/04/2015 19:04

Yes Fanjo, shitty thing to report a parent for neglect, if the child is left to tantrum, scream and kick for hours. Hmm

How about getting the child some help?

No, it is all about keeping quiet and give the parents some space if they "struggle".

Does a screaming and kicking and tantrumming child sound like a happy child?

OP, do you ever hear an adults voice when all the racket is going on?

zazzie · 24/04/2015 19:08

If you actually think the child is being neglected then report to ss. My child at that age, did all the things this child does, with me right next to him.

Mrsbobdylan · 24/04/2015 19:12

Look, reporting a child for neglect is only appropriate if you know they are being neglected. But the op doesn't know and seems to have vanished from the thread so we may never know either.

cansu post should be enough to tell anyone that reporting people for neglecting their child without proper evidence as a way to reduce a child's noise is distasteful.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 24/04/2015 19:51

The problem here is that you don't know that the child is "left to scream and kick and tantrum for hours alone."

My ds1 has SNs. He can go on for ages when in a serious meltdown, and I imagine to some it might sound like he is by himself, but of course they're not in the room, hearing me talking quietly to him to encourage him to calm down, reassuring him, hugging him when he needs it, trying to keep him safe if arms and legs are flailing about, all the while also trying to keep 5yo ds2 (who also has SNs) out of the line of fire as the noise angers him... then I have two in meltdown at once. Oh yes, loads of fun. Lone parent, so I literally have to deal sometimes with two going off at once.

To be fair, if someone came to the door while one of them was in meltdown, I wouldn't answer the door - my priority is my child and their safety. The person at the door will ALWAYS come further down the priority list.

But when a child is distressed/upset/angry and screaming - you can try to calm them down, but you cannot gag them, you cannot just cover their mouth. There is only so much you can do.

Thank god I have an elderly neighbour that quite obviously has the patience of a saint, as he has NEVER complained about the noise. Then again, I told him and his (now deceased) lovely wife almost 5 years ago that ds1 had SNs, as we were chatting over the fence one day to explain the noise in the house and in the garden sometimes. I do what I can to minimise it, but realistically speaking, there's a LOT of noise.

Just because a child is going on and on, that doesn't mean there is neglect or the child is alone or that the parents aren't trying. And no, I'd not likely respond to a note, as most notes of that type are rather PA and snarky IMO. It's possible the parents are so blasted worn down by it all that they just cannot cope with dealing with neighbours right now.

isla2009 · 24/04/2015 20:17

Well said Alice.

CaspianSea · 24/04/2015 21:26

This thread reminds me of a thread months ago on pregnancy forum, similar situation, the OP ended up moving out because toddler was screaming and banging on walls all night. Anyone remember that thread? I wonder if it's the same child???

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 24/04/2015 21:33

Or indeed the same OP

CaspianSea · 24/04/2015 21:39

It was a different OP, she didn't have kids. How do you search for old threads?

ProudAS · 24/04/2015 21:53

Whatever the reasons it is unacceptable that the OP and her family should be subjected to this noise intrusion night after night.

Alice - I can understand why you don't answer door whilst one of your DC is in meltdown but would you talk to neighbour when things were calmer (if someone new moved in next door)?

springbabydays · 24/04/2015 22:01

I wondered the same thing caspian.

lastuseraccount123 · 24/04/2015 22:12

imo this isn't about a child being SN or not, it's about the fact that the landlord did not let the prospective tenants, the OP and his/her family, know that this noise was going on and would continue to go on while they lived there. If they had been upfront the OP and family would have made a different decision about renting this flat and wouldn't be in this situation. IMo the fault lies with the landlord not NDN and kid.

I agree the OP should seriously think about going to a solicitor and seeing if they have some kind of legal or financial recourse, and most importantly can get out of the lease.

Whatever the reason the child is causing the noise, it's highly unlikely OP can do much to change the situation. IMO the onus is on the landlord - they should either soundproof between the two properties or let the OP out of her lease.

IceBeing · 24/04/2015 23:32

"Whatever the reasons it is unacceptable that the OP and her family should be subjected to this noise intrusion night after night."

Still not getting why this is true. I mean it isn't desirable that anyone be subjected to noise intrusion night after night. But there are several people on here who have said their own children cause them this problem. Why is it acceptable that they put up with it and not acceptable that any one else does?

Or should we gather up all the families with children with SEN that cause loud noises at night and stick them in a ghetto somewhere so the luckier parents can pretend they don't exist more easily?

Samcro · 24/04/2015 23:34

why do people on this thread keep banging on about SEN
do they not realise the SEN does not + sn or disabilty??

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 24/04/2015 23:47

ProudAS well, obviously I would have approached a new neighbour myself, as I did with my current neighbour.

However, I think it's important to remember that not every parent is the same, just as all children are different. They may be struggling, depressed, sleep deprived, isolated, stressed...a number of factors that will influence whether or not they feel comfortable or capable of dealing with neighbours.

Mrsbobdylan · 24/04/2015 23:50

Well, several posters have explained quite eloquently samcro why they keep 'banging on about sen'. Keep up.

coolaschmoola · 25/04/2015 00:01

Caspian I thought the same thing, the time frame would fit as well.

I'm wondering if it is the same op with a name change though, the phrasing is VERY similar and the last threads ended weirdly with a house being bought and the op moved in a couple of weeks...

I wasn't convinced then and I'm not sure now.

Silverdaisy · 25/04/2015 00:33

There is no communication in this situation. I really sympathise with parents living with a child who has sp. Many of the parents who have posted tonight about their own situations also say they are speaking with theirs ndn. In the thread the op has said she has tried to open the lines of communication, but the ndn has not taken this up.

Dieu · 25/04/2015 02:28

Ha. I can only imagine my parents' reaction if I'd tried this for a minute as a kid, let alone days and nights of it. They need to get this under control. If they can't, they bloody ought to move (NOT to a flat) rather than subject their neighbours to it. Not fair and not on.