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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

party invite - sorry!

228 replies

dinodino27 · 23/04/2015 22:36

I know this one has been done many times before BUT my daughter has not been invited to a party and i cant quite believe how upset I am.

My lovely bubbly 5 year old talks frequently about her good friend XXX. Tonight the girls in her year one class trotted out of school with invitations to XXX's party. DD then came out with no invitation in hand.

I just feel devastated for DD. She was so brave but aware and clearly confused by the lack of invitation

i really want to say to mum something like 'DD's invite seems to have been lost but she would love to come; or just simple 'is XXX doing anything for her birthday?'

I would never have thought i would be the type to get involved in playground politics but I am so upset for my little girl.

OP posts:
HappinessHappening · 23/04/2015 22:41

It's so hard when this happens

But you really, really can't say anything to the mum

Try not to dwell on it too much your dd will be fine and it gets easier as they get older

Hippee · 23/04/2015 22:45

Are you sure it isn't an oversight - sometimes they get lost in bookbags? Have you got a friend who can ask the mum something like "Is Dino's daughter coming, I was hoping to share a lift?" so that it doesn't put the mum on the spot.

littlejohnnydory · 23/04/2015 22:45

Was everyone invited except your dd? Wonder if it was a mistake, if so. I don't think you can say anything to the mum without making it into a big deal and causing problems for the future. Might be better to say to your dd, "good job you're not going because that's the day I'd planned to do ... with you", then plan something special you know she'll love. I'd be sad for her too if it was my dd.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 23/04/2015 22:47

Ah, poor DD. It's gutting when that happens and it feels as raw as if it were you. More so in fact.

But you can't say anything to the mum. Sorry, but you can't.

ashtrayheart · 23/04/2015 22:47

I would be sad for her too. Was it definitely all the girls apart from your dd?

Norfolkandchance1234 · 23/04/2015 22:48

Some mums have some funny agendas going on.

TheWitTank · 23/04/2015 22:48

Please don't say anything to the mum. Have you spoken with her before? Maybe her DD doesn't talk so much about your DD? Maybe she had a limited amount of invites and chose her shortlist? Maybe she has invited the children whose parents she knows well? Agree that it gets much easier when they get older.

Looseleaf · 23/04/2015 22:50

That's dreadful if all the girls were asked as I'd assume a mistake? If it were me I would say something to my DD like it can be chaotic organising a party (it can) and I'd also point out you can still be good friends without being invited every time .
Dd was once asked to a party where almost all the girls but not all were asked as two or three weren't and I must admit I thought it thoughtless despite it being a lovely family

CrapBag · 23/04/2015 22:50

It's awful but you can't say anything to the mum.

In DS's class a girl wasn't invited (wasn't whole class party and this girl didn't even play with the party girl) and the mum went up to party girls mum and wanted to know why her daughter didn't have an invite. In front of the children. Was awkward to say the least!

At the end of the day it was down to numbers. This girl may not have mentioned your dds name when doing her list. Some mums may not be aware of all who their child plays with and have to rely on the child to tell them. Can you take your dd out that day as a treat to take her mind off it?

lastuseraccount123 · 23/04/2015 22:54

my heart sinks whenever i read stories like this. Like the PP, I'm hoping it was an oversight.

If not, agree you can make the party day special for your DD by taking her out. This actually happened to a friend of mine's daughter - same thing, the ONLY girl in her class who was not invited. It was awful, but the mum and dad made a big fuss of her and it was all fine. When DD was this age we invited all the kids (or all the girls) or none. It's just easier when they're so little and feelings get hurt. Ugh.

VelvetRose · 23/04/2015 22:55

It's horrible when that happens isn't it? I remember my DD's face when she was about 6 and something similar happened in her class. It's really, really hard.

AmateurSeamstress · 23/04/2015 23:00

It's not always the mum. The friendship may be more one sided than you realise. My DD felt forced to play with one particular child who "didn't let her" (DD's version) play with others. DD was adamant she wouldn't invite this girl to her party, I dodn't force her to after dealing with weeks of anguish. The lack of invite solved the problem, the other child stopped wanting to play with DD, DD was delighted. I'm not saying for a moment that this is the case with your DD OP, but it'sjust to make thepoint that are 2 sides to every story, especially with small children. The other child's mother probably felt much as you do.

Hissy · 23/04/2015 23:01

"invite seems to have been lost but she would love to come; or just simple 'is XXX doing anything for her birthday?'"

DONT YOU DARE!

This happened to my boss last month and EVERYONE was horrified at the rudeness of the woman.

As it was l, there was a cancellation, so a space needed to be filled, otherwise they'd have said hell no.

honeyroar · 23/04/2015 23:01

My friend's little girl had this happen throughout her whole time at primary school. It was mainly down to a clique of mothers and my friend didn't fit in. She was quite upset over those years. When she went to secondary she made new friends from nicer families, and was never left out again. I think any mother that excludes just one or two kids from a class while inviting all others is pretty horrible.

VelvetRose · 23/04/2015 23:02

Was it all of the other girls OP or just a few of them?

lastuseraccount123 · 23/04/2015 23:04

Agree honeyroar. There were kids DD didn't want to invite for whatever 5 year old reason but we made her.

Fool4u · 23/04/2015 23:07

This happened to my daughter in yr1.. We'd moved to the area & the school about 6 months before. Girl took instant dislike to her & she was the only girl not invited.. 10 years later she's one of my Dd's closest friends & has been since about yr 4.. Doesn't make it feel better at the time though Flowers

threegoingonthirty · 23/04/2015 23:07

You need a plan for that day so tomorrow morning you can breezily mention to DD the exciting trip you've got planned to the cinema/soft play/local farm whatever.

BrieAndChilli · 23/04/2015 23:14

I was in tears the other day when I realised DS1 hadn't been invited to a party.
He has AS so doesn't really do close friends, not bothered socially but everyone at school treats him well and he is well liked, he helps people read long words etc and is the go to person for knowledge.
Anyway there is another boy in his class you is intelligent too as quite quiet and DS gets on well with him on class, they chat about science etc and DS has always been invited to his parties. We had the boy over in the holidays to do se science experiments and then I saw on face book this week that the boy had a party the following day of th play date, I was gutted for DS that he hadn't been invited. It was a party at the house looking at the photos so I can't help thinking 1 more wouldn't have hurt.

lunalelle · 23/04/2015 23:16

You can't say anything, no. It's bad manners, though, on the parents' part. I'd either have invited the whole class ( as we did on my daughter's only party) or give the parents the invite discreetly.

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/04/2015 23:49

Maybe it's an oversight. It's hard being the only one who isn't invited

I wouldn't say anything to the mum - but like the posters suggestion of asking a friend to ask if you are coming and lift share

Do you have a good friend who can ask

Agree you can't always invite everyone but if you invite all but one that's not fair :(

BuyMeAPony · 24/04/2015 05:04

I remember being devastated when this first happened to my DD. I asked a friend and her DD hadn't been invited either and she knew of others. My perception that everyone was carrying an invitation turned out to be incorrect. My friend and I took the girls out together on the day of the party.

If she has been left out then I would also try to give her something nice to write about in her weekend "news" when it comes to party time. Obviously you can't make a big fuss and so special days out every time this happens (and it probably will happen again, as they get older and can invite fewer people to their parties) but I think it's nice for the first time.

ImNameyChangey · 24/04/2015 06:10

Did all the girls get asked or just a few? And are you certain that DD isn't invited? Double check...her drawer....her bag...her pocket.

Madamecastafiore · 24/04/2015 06:14

Someone did the 'Christopher's doesn't seem to have got his invite' to me. Fucking barking, kid wasn't invited! I gave him an invite as was so shocked but pegged her as a loon ever since.

Don't do it.

Justusemyname · 24/04/2015 06:26

There are less than ten children in my son's class. He was the only child not invited to a party lately. What upset me most was his acceptance that of course he wouldn't have been invited, like he isn't nice enough. The party giver has bullied him for a long time so they are not friends but it felt like another way to bully him. If we had had a party the whole class would have been invited even though a third have bullied my son and I've been threatened with being killed.