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AIBU?

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Original poster

party invite - sorry!

228 replies

dinodino27 · 23/04/2015 22:36

I know this one has been done many times before BUT my daughter has not been invited to a party and i cant quite believe how upset I am.

My lovely bubbly 5 year old talks frequently about her good friend XXX. Tonight the girls in her year one class trotted out of school with invitations to XXX's party. DD then came out with no invitation in hand.

I just feel devastated for DD. She was so brave but aware and clearly confused by the lack of invitation

i really want to say to mum something like 'DD's invite seems to have been lost but she would love to come; or just simple 'is XXX doing anything for her birthday?'

I would never have thought i would be the type to get involved in playground politics but I am so upset for my little girl.

OP posts:
ImNameyChangey · 24/04/2015 06:39

Madame well that;s a bit ott. My friend did ask one Mother as ALL the girls were asked but her DD had no invitation...it turned out that the girls's had been lost...left at home or something. She was invited.

wishparentingwaseasy · 24/04/2015 06:41

I was horrified once that a parent had this angst over one of my kids's parties.

I had invited all 15 in the class, and had the usual 5 replies and 10 no responses. So the Monday before the Saturday party I phoned the parents of the 10 no replies.

It was then that one of the parents (who's dc was a friend of my dc not just classmate but with those numbers all were invited) said I'm so grateful that you contacted me we never got an invite I thought we weren't invited.

I was mortified that she had thought that.

But it's hard what do you do, I handed 15 invites out so wasn't expecting to have caused angst, and there was no way mum could ask without appearing rude so didn't.

Only thing I now do is call round for no replies, helps with numbers and helps to make sure all who are invited have got the invitation.

notquiteruralbliss · 24/04/2015 06:56

I used to have parties for older DCs when they were small and always invited the whole class ( small prep schools). I would not have minded all if a parent had contacted me because either a) I had accidentally forgotten thir DC or b) their invite hadn't made it home.

CycleChic · 24/04/2015 06:59

Ask your DD about it, or send the "is anything happening for her birthday" text.

I've been on the other side of this twice. Thiso past weekend was DD'so 6th b day. Of the 11 children handed invites, I know from chasing RSVPs that 3 of them didn't make it home. 2 others also might not have made it home, as I have no way to contact those parents, I have no way to know.

Also, 2 years ago, DD kept adding people to the list and the child in question was one or two after I'd said "enough! There's no more room! " luckily there was space due to someone not being able to make it.

BoozeyTuesday · 24/04/2015 07:06

It happens. Ds is nine and has had a big party every year, inviting all the boys but he's been excluded from a few parties, including one this weekend that one of his best friends is having. He hangs around in a group of four and the other two boys are invited but not him. He's heartbroken but what can you do? Shit happens and they have to learn to deal with rejection and that the world isn't fair. Some people have to limit numbers for financial or practical reasons.

ChilliMum · 24/04/2015 07:13

I think lost invitations are more common than we think. This happened 3 times with my daughter. 1 the mum called me because we had not replied to the invitation ( we had never received one) and I found 2 in the bottom of dd sports bag at then end of term ( they only bring their sports bag home at then end of term). Obviously way past the party dates and I was mortified they were both from families I didn't know well and I am sure think I am very rude now.
To be fair though my daughter is a complete scatterbrain!
If you are friendly with another mum could she maybe ask the mum how many parents have responded it might open a dialogue and give the other mum chance to say she is surprised you have not responded - just a thought.

HeinousPieTrap · 24/04/2015 07:26

I agree with the PPs who are wondering has an invitation got lost.

I'm a bit Hmm that PPs are so cross with people asking were they/their DC meant to be invited. It's a genuine question! If you have decided to exclude someone you should be able to stand behind that decision really - so if you're limited on numbers, say so! If that kid is not invited because they are always horrid to your child at school, then say so!

I've been that parent who hadn't realised someone played with my DD a lot (different year group) hadn't been included, and as it was a party at home and there was no reason not to invite her once we realised what had happened, we did. I was the one apologising, even though it's hard to keep track when the kids are little.

Totally different thing once they're older and have real friend groups, but when they're so little I think try to be inclusive as possible. Though I'd encourage inclusivity and not hurting people's feelings once they're older too...

TiggieBoo · 24/04/2015 07:28

Last year I sent invitations to the whole class for DS's party. The day before the party a friend of DS told me he wasn't invited. He was upset and I was mortified. I don't know if it was my mistake or the invitation got lost. I knew his mum, had been talking to her that week, but she was embarrassed to say anything. I don't know if or how you can ask nicely, but keep in mind it might be a genuine mistake.

Taytocrisps · 24/04/2015 07:31

Are you sure all the other girls were invited? I've never invited all the girls from DD's class 'cos there are too many of them. Also, I invite some girl cousins who are the same age and one or two pals from creche who go to different schools. Now, I try to give out the invitations discreetly (to the mam at the school yard or calling to the house in later years when I figured out where the kids lived). But I'm sure the kids talk about the parties at school.

DD got upset one day when her BFF called up to see if she wanted a lift to X's party. She hadn't been invited. She was crying and saying, "But I thought I was X's friend". I gave her a big hug and explained that it's not possible to invite every child to your party and X's mammy probably told her she could only invite 5 kids. Then we went to the park and got an ice cream. They have to learn to deal with disappointment.

I wouldn't approach the other mother. What if she never had any intention of inviting your DD? That's going to make for a very awkward conversation.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 24/04/2015 07:32

What if it is an oversight / invite lost in school situation, and the birthday girl really wants OP's DD at her party?

fairyfuckwings · 24/04/2015 07:33

It may well be an oversight. My daughters 7 and I know last year we missed out one of her good friends as I'd not realised there were two children with a very similar name. Another year I found an invitation in her school bag that she'd missed handing out.

CactusAnnie · 24/04/2015 07:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BabyGanoush · 24/04/2015 07:46

I think it is WEIRD and socially off to go fishing for an invite by texting: "is anything happening for XXX birthday" or "why is my DD not invited"

Have a shred of dignity!

Just accept it and move on.

My DS1 often did not get invited, as he is not a football boy and all the other boys were.

Not a big drama surely.

How can you all survive life with such fragile ego's?!

It is a kid's party, not a huge deal or the end of the world. Even for a 5 yr old.

Some parties you or your kid are not invited to.

Such is life.

These threads always surprise me, especially the responses of people suggesting sending a passive aggressive text.

TiggieBoo · 24/04/2015 07:48

Because there are 30 children in the class, and I only ever meet about 10 who happen to drop the kids to school at the same time as me? I wouldn't even know who the other parents are.

RoganJosh · 24/04/2015 07:53

I once asked the child involved if my DS should have an invitation. Could that work? The answer was yes in my case.

CactusAnnie · 24/04/2015 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DartmoorDoughnut · 24/04/2015 07:55

I genuinely don't understand why it is such a faux pas to ask if you child has or has not been asked to the party?! It may be uncomfortable for both parents but it isn't rude, kids aren't exactly reliable with passing on info!

Gnightjimbob · 24/04/2015 07:56

We have a simple rule in our family - all the class, half the class, a handful or all girls or all boys.

If everyone abided by these common sense rules of decent social behaviour a great deal of angst woudl be spared!

NaiceVillageOfTheDammed · 24/04/2015 07:56

Exactly Annie

Luckily (or not) our PTA collects emails and with your permission gives a full list to class parents at the start of term. I always email the parents the invites with date, place, directions, contact details etc... Then I'll send the paper ones into school.

thehumanjam · 24/04/2015 07:57

She may not have been excluded, she may have just invited a few of them. Most venues have maximum numbers, you can't invite everyone.

MythicalKings · 24/04/2015 08:03

Of course it's rude to ask.

It puts the other parent in an awful position. She may feel obliged to invite a DC that she or her DC doesn't want at the party.

Rude, rude, rude. As are vague hints. Get over it.

sparkysparkysparky · 24/04/2015 08:08

I know this stings. I'd suggest doing something outrageously off message and fab with your dd on the day.

momtothree · 24/04/2015 08:09

I would just say ... its not your turn at this party but there will be others.... taking her out just so she can out shine party girl and have something to say is a bit petty ....

Aeroflotgirl · 24/04/2015 08:16

Well my ds 3 had a party for his third birthday, I invited my friend and her ds who woukd be 4, the week after. She attended ds party and when she arrived at ds party told me she is giving a big party for her ds next week. Ok fine, the following week I saw pictures of all our friends chikdren at her party exceot ds Sad, he was not invited. It was in a hall, so no limit on numbers. The following week, we met up, I had to say something. I said Awww I saw x party pictures on Facebook, looked like a great party, shame ds couldent come, mabey next time. She was Blush. I felt better, ds also has speech delay and is finding it hard to communicate so I felt I had to somehow defend him. What got my back up is St ds party she kept talking about her ds party the following week. Which was rude.

DartmoorDoughnut · 24/04/2015 08:20

Mythical how is it rude? Children mislay invites/bits of paper constantly, I wouldn't be upset if the answer was a no they aren't invited it would take away the uncertainty FFS. Better that than the rudeness of not rsvping