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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

party invite - sorry!

228 replies

dinodino27 · 23/04/2015 22:36

I know this one has been done many times before BUT my daughter has not been invited to a party and i cant quite believe how upset I am.

My lovely bubbly 5 year old talks frequently about her good friend XXX. Tonight the girls in her year one class trotted out of school with invitations to XXX's party. DD then came out with no invitation in hand.

I just feel devastated for DD. She was so brave but aware and clearly confused by the lack of invitation

i really want to say to mum something like 'DD's invite seems to have been lost but she would love to come; or just simple 'is XXX doing anything for her birthday?'

I would never have thought i would be the type to get involved in playground politics but I am so upset for my little girl.

OP posts:

balletnotlacrosse · 24/04/2015 12:40

I think inviting 10 out of a class of 15 is a bit unkind, to be honest.

In that situation I would have asked your dd to select no more than six or seven schoolfriends, so that those not invited would not be in a minority.

nickersinaknot · 24/04/2015 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sherbetpips · 24/04/2015 12:47

As others have said don't say anything to the mother it wont make any difference and will just be awkward. She will get invited to some parties in the long run and will form her own group of friends rather than a classful. Its also important that you dont make a big thing of it with your daughter and certainly dont let her see you are upset about it. She was probably over it 10 minutes later.

Charlotte3333 · 24/04/2015 12:48

I handed out a lot of invites a couple of weeks ago while I was at school, popped them all into book bags (I work there, not my DC's party, bit awkward going into other kids book bags otherwise) and noticed one child was left out from the entire Reception year. I checked at hometime with the Mum and it turns out she despises the left-out boy's Mum so chose not to invite him. But I'd still always rather check in case someone was accidentally forgotten.

For the DC's I tend to book stuff that can either accommodate everyone they want or just very closest friends, so we did a skiing party a few years ago, and last year took 3 friends to Legoland for the day. The whole excluding a kid because of playground politics stuff is awful, and shameful. In ten years time their friendship groups will have little or no correlation with who they play with now.

momtothree · 24/04/2015 12:49

Why do some feel whole class party is the way to go? Dont get it at all. Never did it never would. Seems to be something to show off about.

balletnotlacrosse · 24/04/2015 12:49

Alanna are you and your husband joined at the hip? Why on earth do you think it's okay to impose an extra child and adult on the mother? Can you not just separate for a couple of hours?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 24/04/2015 12:51

Hi Patricia. Lovely name btw.
Thanks for your understanding.
Despite being pulled apart on this thread I have always believed there are more nicer people on MN and IRL in the world than there are vipers. You say you're upset and hurt because of something yes I knis it was 11 years ago but it still hurts. And your called precious ect, and they love throwing that statement let it go around.
May be I'm the crank. The weirdo. I don't know. But I could never did that to a child.
I think I just have a strong sense of fairness and inclusion but apparently on here if you do that you're crank, and you have the tenacity to defend the most precious thing in your life. Then God help you.

namechange2015 · 24/04/2015 12:57

If genuine I think it's disgusting behaviour. It happened to us at Easter. DDs best friend (yr3) had an Easter egg hunt & invited all the girls except DD(even ones she doesn't get on with - and falls out with regularly). she was devastated but so was the friend! When she asked her mum why she said 'because I don't talk to her mum much' (I don't pick up from Sch). Did she think my dd wouldn't know about it? Wouldn't be hurt or upset?? Honestly some people have agendas other than the basic friends round for a party. I dealt with it by inviting said child over for a day in the Easter hols, the only way to deal with rudeness is with kindness & I hope that sentiment might pass onto dd as well

BeachyKeen · 24/04/2015 12:57

ilive, if you are trying to make things better for your child, wouldn't it start with getting along with other parents?
being the mom that is seething, holding a grudge, not accepting the other woman's efforts towards reconciliation, that shit ain't helpful

IWillOnlyEatBeans · 24/04/2015 13:01

dino If you know the parents of the party girl fairly well then I can't see any issue with asking about whether your DD should have received an invite (while making it perfectly clear that if not, then that's ok, no worries at all etc etc). A lot of the mums and dads of the children in DS1's class know each other, and I have overheard these kinds of conversations happening without any insult/issue/drama!

If I didn't know the mum or dad then I wouldn't say anything. As others have said, plan something special for your DD on that day instead.

Cocolepew · 24/04/2015 13:03

WTF is wrong with people? Asking why a child wasn't invited or asking or a sibling to tag along is just plain rude.
Have some dignity ffs.

Feminine · 24/04/2015 13:05

When we still lived in the US, a mother in my youngest sons class took a dislike to me.
To illustrate this, she invited the whole of the class to her sons party - minus my son.
In this nook of the US, they were not very politically correct.
So on party day, directly after lessons finished the teacher had the invited kids line up for the party (to be held directly after school)
Well, l am sure you can guess how that played out in the classroom.
Unusual lady. I remember her insisting that she be allowed to stay in class with her son. This went on during kindergarten and first grade.
So, obviously not the easiest woman to confront.... So I left it.
op l would just leave it.
You will find out soon enough if she was invited, as she may ask for your response.
I'm sorry your daughter felt sad.

Heels99 · 24/04/2015 13:08

Alanna, why do you and your husband both need to go to the party? I don't understand, normally one takes child to party and other parent looks after other child. Why does whole fsmily need to attend for one child? Party invite is for ine child but fsmily of 4 need to go why is that?

balletnotlacrosse · 24/04/2015 13:14

Do some of the posters on here behave like this regarding adult parties as well?
"Oh gosh, Sarah and Simon haven't invited us to their wedding. I'm sure the invitation got lost. I'll just ask them, they won't mind at all."

If not, why do you think it's okay to put parents on the spot regarding children's parties?

balletnotlacrosse · 24/04/2015 13:16

Also, Alanna, the fact that the mother said she'd 'let you know nearer the time' clearly implies that she wasn't that happy about your request and is trying to think up a good reason to say 'no'.

pictish · 24/04/2015 13:24

OP I'll offer you both a wee sympathetic squeeze. You feel it bad when your child is dejected and hurt. Yanbu to feel a bit angry.
However the reality of it is...ywbvu to approach the mother about it. Not recommended. It's one of those things that social conditions demand you suck up and swallow.

But it's shit. x

QueenofallIsee · 24/04/2015 13:28

Am creasing at Ilive, not that self aware are you!

I will share my little PFB story - I absolutely cringe about it now. One of my twins was invited to a party in reception and one was not, I actually accepted the invite and then asked the mother if I could pay for his twin to come as well as he was so upset. She was quick to assure me that he could come and paid for him etc but i am mortified by it now! My twins do all sorts of things separately and it is important that they learn that not everything is about them. I can't believe i did that to be honest

namechange2015 · 24/04/2015 13:35

omg Alanna that is terrible form. I did a village hall party for ds once with whole class of 30 plus some outside friends & rellys. But 4 or 5 older siblings stayed too but they completely dominated the little ones, won all the games, ripped the tail off the dog suit we'd hired for my husband grabbed handfuls of the food etc Nightmare, never again, I will tell the parents to keep them away next time.

Hotbot · 24/04/2015 14:31

I did a halloween party, not even a bday ds invited full class dd is older so just a couple of friends ...
Ds invitees tuned up with both parents and siblings and they stayed !!!!!!!!

Rude rude rude

tobysmum77 · 24/04/2015 14:46

You see I had a text a couple of weeks add ago saying 'is dd coming to A's party'? I hadn't got the invite, who knows what happened? tbh if I ever caused real offence and actually if I left out a new good friend of dds I'd rather be told.

pictish · 24/04/2015 14:49

Alanna why on earth would you and your husband both want to go to someone else's kid's birthday party?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 24/04/2015 15:10

Queenie. Not sure what you mean by creasing at I live but where I'm from it means laughing at someone
So if you're laughing at an upset child then you need looking and quickly.
If you didn't mean that I apologise. Your choice whether to accept of not.

VelvetRose · 24/04/2015 15:22

Has OP actually come back to say that she is certain her Dd was the only one left out? If not then it really is no that big of a deal is it? Yes, it is to the child, it hurts us too, we all know but as others have said, if you make it a big thing and over react it makes your child feel worse, it really does. It will happen more than once in their school career wont it?

I really, really wouldn't ask the parent. Ask the child if they were handed and invitation, surely they can remember if they were or not. If you ask the parent they will be really embarrassed if they haven't invited your child and frankly they shouldn't be. Not everyone can be invited to every party. I used to be friends with someone who was incandescent if she percieved that her DD hadn't been invited to a party (even when many others weren't). She reasoned that as she was prepared to have the whole class (2 classes in one case....yes, she had 60 children to a party because she had twins) everyone else should!

VelvetRose · 24/04/2015 15:27

I am so thankful my Dd is older now. I found that whole birthday party situation a minefield.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/04/2015 15:36

allana no it's not ok. Can't yiur dh take the other childout by himself! You know she is full to capacity. Have you asked her?

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