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AIBU?

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Original poster

party invite - sorry!

228 replies

dinodino27 · 23/04/2015 22:36

I know this one has been done many times before BUT my daughter has not been invited to a party and i cant quite believe how upset I am.

My lovely bubbly 5 year old talks frequently about her good friend XXX. Tonight the girls in her year one class trotted out of school with invitations to XXX's party. DD then came out with no invitation in hand.

I just feel devastated for DD. She was so brave but aware and clearly confused by the lack of invitation

i really want to say to mum something like 'DD's invite seems to have been lost but she would love to come; or just simple 'is XXX doing anything for her birthday?'

I would never have thought i would be the type to get involved in playground politics but I am so upset for my little girl.

OP posts:
ConfusedInBath · 24/04/2015 19:45

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Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 24/04/2015 19:50

I never asked you to agree confused. I said can we agree to disagree. There is a difference

ConfusedInBath · 24/04/2015 19:53

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maliaki · 24/04/2015 19:55

unlucky83 In your case I would ask since your DD has already been given a verbal invite. It could be the paper invite got lost but if the mum changed her mind that's bad form after verbally inviting. Its's like giving someone a save the date wedding card and then not inviting them! (Barring fallouts of course)

OP I wouldn't say anything. If one child was deliberately excluded that's cruel unless the child themselves if such a horrible bully and tormentor but if it's because they don't like mum, look down on etc...bad form again imo and sad for the child. Several people have cited reasons how it may not be deliberate though and due to not knowing, lost invites, venues. Your DD may well be one of several not invited, I would not make a big deal to DD just say 'you can't have everyone at birthdays, we'll have fun ourselves'. If the mum has your contact details and you don't RSVP I suspect she'll contact you- how many times do people say 'I've sent out RSVPs and X hasn't replied'. Better if your DD learns to deal with the odd exclusion every now and again then she'll be better prepared for friendship and romantic rejection when older.

tywinlannister · 24/04/2015 19:57

Ilive, were there any other times, prior to the non party invite where you had to have words with other parents at school over things that had upset you/your DD?

momtothree · 24/04/2015 20:13

Then remember people talk.... any confrontation will be avoided as kids are together at school a long time - i.e you got off to a bad start.

finnbarrcar · 24/04/2015 20:20

....and still fuck all from opGrin

vladthedisorganised · 24/04/2015 20:34

FWIW OP, DD (lovely, bubbly 5yo) has not been invited to loads of parties, including one where as far as I could tell, the whole class was invited. TBH, it didn't bother me a jot, and nor did it bother her. There was no crowing ('I'm having a party and you're not coming, nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah') involved, and since DD is one of the few who didn't go to the school nursery I could see how she would be under the radar.

DD really didn't want a whole-class party as she wanted to have one at our house with friends from outside school, and there was no way we could fit 40-odd 5 year olds in the house. We posted the invitations so it didn't become a schoolyard debate - only 5 from her class of 35 were invited (all chosen by her).

The reactions from parents of the 5 children were really fascinating in some ways. Most were relieved - their DC were happy to get something in the post, everyone knew it was a small party, and there was no need to spend an hour listening to a class of 5 year olds screaming in a village hall. One parent took me aside and told me I ought to have had a whole class party as it 'wasn't really fair on the other children in the class' - never mind that I was paying for it and that DD didn't want it anyway!

There's a world of difference between deliberately excluding one child in the class, and having limited numbers at the party - and invitations do get lost in book bags!

VelvetRose · 24/04/2015 21:21

Wow, vlad how rude of that parent?! Lots of people don't want whole class parties, plus they cost a fortune! What a cheek!!

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/04/2015 21:38

Def don't ask if siblings can go. That's a no !!!!!

As I said previously if you really want to know for sure - then get another mum who is going (ie the whole class) and get them to say yes we can come and ask discreetly by saying I will see if xxxx mum can do a drop off/pick up share

momtothree · 24/04/2015 21:45

I do know of a mom who DC wasnt invited to a small party and she actually complained to the HT. The HT called the party mom in to discuss the non invite .... and party mom refused to offer an invitation. My DC went to said party and complaining mom refuses to speak to me now ..... errrr worse than the kids.

VelvetRose · 24/04/2015 21:49

Why does she refuse to speak to you? Is it related to the party?

momtothree · 24/04/2015 22:16

Yes she fell.out with the invited boys moms, 6 invited ... cant get worked up about kids parties! I refused to ask party mom why her DS wasnt invited ..., not my place. As I See it we get invited DC goes or not. I also have twins and they have never had a double invite from school (outside friends yes) no bothered and neither are they. Its just a party. They have invited friends who havent invited back, guess what not keeping track and refuse to take sides.

VelvetRose · 24/04/2015 22:21

Oh I see, sorry, I was being a bit thick there! I agree, best to avoid all the politics if you can. I used to loathe it!

NurseRoscoe · 25/04/2015 07:29

Put it this way, imagine you planned a meal/night out for your own birthday, there was someone you didn't invite as they got on your nerves/had a habit of being a bit dominating or bullying/you just didn't on, personality clash etc. They then came up to you and asked about birthday plans. How awkward would that make you feel, not wanting to be nasty and hurt their feelings but not wanting them there either?

People get a strange idea that for a child everything has to be fair, everyone has to be included, no one is allowed to feel sad, everyone has to be best of friends. Real life isn't like that and it doesn't work that way. They have to learn this at some point and it's better earlier than later or they get a real culture shock and no one feeling sorry for them.

If your daughter was actually meant to be invited, it will probably resolve itself in the end, like the invitation will appear in her bag, the parents will make a comment to you or the little girl will say something to your daughter. Otherwise, you can sympathise with your daughter, explain to her that not everyone gets invited every time and there will be other parties, that it's ok to feel a bit sad but you will do something together that day, 5 year olds bounce back pretty quickly. It's really not the end of the world and doesn't mean your daughter will grow up without friends and circle the playground all by herself. It may just mean that like normal 5 year olds, the kids change their friends daily and struggle to remember names, or they may of had a petty falling out that will be resolved later on. Please don't make it more of an issue than it is, you will only upset both yourself and her.

ConfusedInBath · 25/04/2015 07:41

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gamerchick · 25/04/2015 08:58

I was just wondering where the OP was.

Lucyccfc · 25/04/2015 13:01

It's always a nightmare when a mother comes and asks why their DS or DD haven't been invited to a party.

As far as I am concerned, I am the one organising and paying for it and my DS chooses who is invited. It's the same if DS doesn't get an invite. I just explain to him that not everyone can get to go, parties can be expensive or maybe they have to keep spaces for their friends outside of school etc.

My DS invited just over half of the children in his class to his 6th birthday party (2 boys and 9 girls were not invited), but one pushy Mum (of one of the boys) was really aggressive towards me in the playground when she wanted to know why he wasn't invited. I wasn't allowed to get a word in edge-ways, as she just went on and on at me.

In the end when she took a breath, I just gave it her back (and to be fair she deserved it). I told her that it was my DS's choice over who to invite, but I happily agreed there was no invite for her son, as he was so badly behaved, was a bully and had no manners.

What a shame iliveinalighthouse didn't get the chance to let the other mother speak - maybe you would have found out that she didn't like your daughter or that actually she didn't like you because you come across as rude or aggressive.

Happy36 · 25/04/2015 13:16

At my kids' school bday invitations are not allowed unless for the whole class. St the start of the year they ask for your consent to give your phone number or email to the other parents in the class then there is a list that you can use to make private contact about individual playdates. Also they give a list of all the kids' names so no one is missed out of invitations by accident.

In both of our children's classes (they are 3 and 6) it seems to be popular to have joint parties for 3 or 4 at a time with close birthdays and invite the whole class.

18yearsoftrying · 25/04/2015 20:35

OP is still around, she's just not posting here any more.

She's on another AIBU thread about ugly babies Hmm

ConfusedInBath · 25/04/2015 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ConfusedInBath · 25/04/2015 20:41

This reply has been deleted

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finnbarrcar · 25/04/2015 21:21

Big old mumsnet bingo trolly thread then

grannytomine · 25/04/2015 22:42

It is strange how some things stick. I am in my 60s but still remember being left out when I was 12. I came from a rough inner city area, quite a famous or should I say infamous vice area at the time. I got into a good grammar school and never felt I had any problem fitting in but one girl in my crowd of friends was having a party and everyone was invited but me. I was a bit hurt but accepted that people don't have space for everyone. Another girls mother took offence at this, spoke to the parents and they said I wasn't invited because of where I lived. Apparently she said if I wasn't going her DD wasn't going and she would speak to the other parents as she felt they should all back up her action. I got a late invite. Great I was happy until my friends mother told me why I wasn't invited and what she had done.

God, when I think back the shame I felt was crushing, I really would have been happier to be left out and left in ignorance.

Fast forward 3 years, I am a quite grown up looking 15 year old on my way to meet my boyfriend. I never react in anyway when cars slow down, I know they are kerb crawlers and to look forward and not make eye contact but the birthday girls dad slows down and calls over. I stop and smile and then realise he is kerb crawling me. I am mortified and walk away.

He used to pick her up from school most days so the following week I made sure I had something to discuss with her and walked down the driveway with her, his face was a picture.

I never told any of my friends but it still makes me feel horrible.

sparkysparkysparky · 26/04/2015 07:09

How horrible, Grannytonine.