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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP is furious that he 'caught' my cleaner in the act

166 replies

PinanShodan · 23/04/2015 12:41

One major issue in our relationship is that he likes a tidy house. So do I to be fair but I don't care as much as he does and most of the time I just can't be arsed. He does ALOT of stuff around the house so can't complain there but I never ask him to or expect him to and he knew I was untidy and housework shy when he met me.

We both work full time and are constantly arguining about housework. Because I do 13 hour shifts I get 3-4 days off in a week and DP seems to think I should just dedicate the majority of that time to housework.

I think not.

So behind his back I hired a cleaner. My philosophy was the house gets cleaned, I don't get the earache. DP is happy. I get the credit for it and the cleaner gets a job out of it. Everyone is happy?

Well DP came home unexpected from work yesterday and caught her here and is furious with me.

AIBU to think if he wants a spotless house but chose to live with a woman who is not Anthea Turner then he should compromise and let me hire a cleaner?? It's only £8 an hour!

OP posts:
CapnMurica · 23/04/2015 12:42

YANBU. What a tit - him, not you or the cleaner!

OfaFrenchMind · 23/04/2015 12:43

Well, as long as it comes out of your own pocket, why not?

paxtecum · 23/04/2015 12:43

He is a selfish knob.

redexpat · 23/04/2015 12:43

I think ywnbu to hire a cleaner. ywbu to do it behind his back.

SunnyBaudelaire · 23/04/2015 12:44

did he tell you that you were expected to be a domestic appliance when you got married. Bizarre.

SoreArms · 23/04/2015 12:44

Difficult one. I don't think you're UR in the slightest to not want to spend most of your down time cleaning. Especially if he has 'unrealistic expectations' of what 'clean and tidy' means. But I would be very unhappy if I came home to find a perfect stranger in my house when I knew nothing about it.

InYearAdmissions · 23/04/2015 12:44

out of interest why did you hire the cleaner in secret, why not tell him that was what you were going to do in the interests of having a tidy home

redskybynight · 23/04/2015 12:45

YANBU to want to hire a cleaner.

YABU to do it behind his back and deceive him about it. I'd be furious if DH did this to me. Plus it will have an impact on your family finances - so it should be a family decision.

kissedbyamoonbeammyarse · 23/04/2015 12:45

You lied to him. I would be furious about that. Why not tell him that you were getting a cleaner? If you have different standards round the house and can afford one, it's the ideal solution. Not telling him is a whole different thing.

Happening · 23/04/2015 12:46

I think ii would be pretty shocked to come home to a stranger who I didnt expect to be in my house. By all means hire a cleaner, but tell DP she will be coming!

fieldfare · 23/04/2015 12:46

Yanbu to hire a cleaner, sounds like the best solution all round.
Ywbu to do it behind his back.

HazleNutt · 23/04/2015 12:47

Was he furious because he didn't know about it, or because he thinks you should do it all yourself?

Anniegetyourgun · 23/04/2015 12:47

I'd have the shock of my life coming home to find a strange woman scrubbing my bathroom; I don't blame him for being annoyed about that. The real issue, though, is why you couldn't tell him you'd got one.

wickedwaterwitch · 23/04/2015 12:47

YANBU to have a cleaner but you might be a little BU not to have told him about it! I wouldn't be happy if my dh did this (although we do have a cleaner and both agreed this ages ago, we both work FTOTH too)

weeblueberry · 23/04/2015 12:48

Is he pissed you lied or that she's there cleaning?

If it's the latter then YANBU because it sounds like he wants you to clean as opposed to the house bring clean. And that's not on tbh.

If it's the former well YABU because you've lied about it and I know I wouldn't want someone in my house and not to know about it.

NerrSnerr · 23/04/2015 12:48

I'd be furious if I came home to a stranger in my house I didn't know about. He shouldn't expect you to do all the housework but you shouldn't have employed a cleaner without him knowing.

DonnaKebab66 · 23/04/2015 12:48

I thought he'd caught the cleaner having a shag or something.

NeedABumChange · 23/04/2015 12:50

YABU to have not told him! Very disrespectful, also quite dangerous. If I came home and found a stranger there I pick up a golf club and assume they were there to rob me. Also horrible invasion of privacy.

shewept · 23/04/2015 12:51

YANBU to hire a cleaner if you can afford it.

YABU to do it behind his back and I think Slightly unreasonable to not do any housework. Obviously if a lot of the housework is done by the cleaner and you are paying for it, its not a problem. But I am confused as to why he also does a lot as well, if you have cleaner.

You should have told him, especially if all your money is joint money.

I wouldn't be happy to find someone in my house.

unnaturalmakeup · 23/04/2015 12:52

I'd be furious to find a stranger in my house. YABU for going behind his back.

If you're spending your own money, and can afford to (i.e. He is not subsidising you at all), then you should have told him about it. Do you share bills and rent 50/50?

he knew I was untidy and housework shy when he met me
Yeah, and maybe he thought you'd grow out of that attitude when sharing a home with someone.

RedSoloCup · 23/04/2015 12:53

My friend did this, so funny, she didn't even work either so he was even paying for it!! Not sure if she ever got caught or not!!

Definitely not unreasonable for not wanting to do all the cleaning though, if my DH dared to moan I would be telling him to do it himself ;)....

basketofshells · 23/04/2015 12:53

I think a key question here is why you did it behind his back. What would have happened if you'd said to your dh - "Look, we're never going to agree here, so how about I do my share of the cleaning, ahem, indirectly. By using some of my salary to pay someone to do it." ? And yes - why is he angry? Is it about the lying aspect, or because you aren't personally doing the cleaning?

EeekEeekEeekEeek · 23/04/2015 12:54

Did you hire the cleaner secretly because if you'd suggested it to your DP then he would have refused, because he thinks it's your job?

If so you have my full sympathy.

FenellaFellorick · 23/04/2015 12:54

I can understand him being angry to come home and find the cleaner. I would not be happy if that happened to me! That's an understatement actually, I'd hit the roof. Someone had a key to my home / was regularly in my home and I didn't have a clue? Not on.

He has absolutely no right to expect you dedicate your non working hours to housework if that's not what you want.

It is not that you need to polish or vacuum - it is that polishing and vacuuming need to be done. If you are ensuring that they are done, and it's affordable - that should be fine. Why does he want to try to insist that you personally don a pinny and clean? Who cleans is irrelevant (as long as it is fair). That cleaning is done is the point.

You should have told him that you are not spending your days off cleaning and he has a choice, either you hire a cleaner or he cleans himself and never moans about it.

HilarysMantelpiece · 23/04/2015 12:55

Out of sight unreasonable to do it without telling him.

Apart from that, this is an issue you will both have to compromise on. Isn't that what marriage is about? You have different standards, you need to move towards his and he towards yours.
But you have pulled the ground from under yourself by effectively lying about getting a cleaner without letting on.

In your DH's shoes, I'd be wondering what else you have kept secret.

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