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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP is furious that he 'caught' my cleaner in the act

166 replies

PinanShodan · 23/04/2015 12:41

One major issue in our relationship is that he likes a tidy house. So do I to be fair but I don't care as much as he does and most of the time I just can't be arsed. He does ALOT of stuff around the house so can't complain there but I never ask him to or expect him to and he knew I was untidy and housework shy when he met me.

We both work full time and are constantly arguining about housework. Because I do 13 hour shifts I get 3-4 days off in a week and DP seems to think I should just dedicate the majority of that time to housework.

I think not.

So behind his back I hired a cleaner. My philosophy was the house gets cleaned, I don't get the earache. DP is happy. I get the credit for it and the cleaner gets a job out of it. Everyone is happy?

Well DP came home unexpected from work yesterday and caught her here and is furious with me.

AIBU to think if he wants a spotless house but chose to live with a woman who is not Anthea Turner then he should compromise and let me hire a cleaner?? It's only £8 an hour!

OP posts:

Isthiscorrect · 23/04/2015 18:06

Shame the op didn't come back to explain about why DP was unhappy, the ckeaning or the lying. Also if the finances are 50/50.
Foolish if DH thought op would grow out of it as a pp suggested. Aren't we always told that leopards don't change their spots?
Personally I would get a cleaner and he could like it or lump it.

KERALA1 · 23/04/2015 18:08

Ooh get a cleaner romantic. What on earth is wrong with paying someone to do something you don't want to do? Round here most families have a cleaner. We didn't but now realise how daft I was being not.

Time with kids is precious even more so if you working so why spend it cleaning if you can afford not to? Would rather do a jigsaw with my girls in my free time.

MrsKoala · 23/04/2015 18:11

ah well, do all the cleaning yourselves then.

i take our clothes to the menders rather than doing them myself. we hire decorators rather than painting. for us i see no difference.

and tbh a cleaner wouldn't usually do tidying. you have to tidy before they come. i used to spend 3 hrs tidying before the cleaner arrived when we had one. it just meant i didn't then have to clean as well.

emms1981 · 23/04/2015 18:12

£8 an hour? I'm changing jobs

Momagain1 · 23/04/2015 18:17

he knew I was untidy and housework shy when he met me
Yeah, and maybe he thought you'd grow out of that attitude when sharing a home with someone.

Expecting a partner to be magically new and improved once they are a partner, spouse, parent, or because you now own instead of rent, or because of any other milestone is foolish thinking. basing your expectations on magical improvements is a recipe for disappointment.

OP if he is mad because you kept it secret, he is mad reasonably. Unless you kept it secret because he uses anger to control you? In which case, hire a solicitor, not a housekeeper.

Yarp · 23/04/2015 18:20

Why didn't you tell him?

That's the unreasonable part

APlaceOnTheCouch · 23/04/2015 18:24

I agree with MrsKoala about this leading to a circular argument. I'm wondering if that's why OP tried to avoid the discussion because it wouldn't gain anything. I still think she should have told her DP but I also think it's interesting that she didn't tell him and seemed to enjoy getting the credit from him.

MrsKoala · 23/04/2015 18:26

he knew I was untidy and housework shy when he met me

I'm assuming the OP also knew he was much more into a clean house than her too. Which makes me wonder what did either of them think would happen? That the other would change by the sheer force of them hoping they would? - sounds unrealistic to me. Or that they would argue about it 'constantly' for their whole relationship? - sounds fucking awful to me.

Yarp · 23/04/2015 18:31

Do you tidy, OP, or just benefit from him doing it?

TheMagnificientFour · 23/04/2015 18:48

I can see why it looks like a good solution to the OP.

However, I don't think she should have gone behind his back.

And I don't think that she can pay for it with 'her' money. It's not hers, it's theirs (you know the bit about the fact that it's all in the common pot and everything).

I really hope her DH issue isn't about a 'stanger' being in their house. That's just weird.
I'm guessing that he sees her attitude as just laziness as she has the time to do it and choses to to pay someone to do it for her instead.
I can see why he is really angry about it. Going behind someone's back is wrong. It's just a lie, one done to keep him quiet on an issue that neither of them want to bulge. Not nice.

Momagain1 · 23/04/2015 18:59

Shame the op didn't come back to explain about why DP was unhappy, the ckeaning or the lying. Also if the finances are 50/50.

Then again, not unexpected that she not come back in the afternoon if she posted on her lunch break at work.

shewept · 23/04/2015 19:01

Can't believe people are saying she doesn't have to clean if she doesn't want. What about adults picking up after themselves. Just being in a house, eating , bathing sleeping wearing clothes makes mess. Expecting someone to at least do some of the clearing up is not unreasonable.

If a woman posted 'i have to do all the house work because dh works ft and can't be bothers and is ok living in shit tip' people would br talking about how, when you live together you must compromise. That if the OP isn't happy living in a shit tip, then the dh should at least clean up after himself.

How the hell is expecting an adult to clear up mess they helped create seen as unreasonable.

Yarp · 23/04/2015 19:06

shewept

I agree. I think it would be helpful for OP to explain what she does do

Fairy13 · 23/04/2015 19:10

See, I'm on the fence here. My ex was incredibly messy, and never lifted a finger housework wise. I was working full time with a long commute, doing all housework, shopping, childcare. He worked 12 hour shifts, 4 days on, 4 days off. I always felt that he should have spent some of that time doing housework. Not a show home, but basic things. That's just being a grown up.

That said, I don't think it was unreasonable for you to hire a cleaner to do that for you, particularly if you paid yourself...

You should not have done it behind his back, I fact, I'm a bit worried that you felt you had to do that. Is he particularly controlling usually?

DoraGora · 23/04/2015 20:14

6 pages in and no OP. Everybody cross because some supposed guy wants his supposed wife to work and clean, when maybe neither of them exist outside of mn?

UncleT · 23/04/2015 20:25

You didn't just do it behind his back, you're fully lying about who was responsible for the results too, per your own reference to taking the credit. On that score, YABU. To get a cleaner though, as a principle, YANBU - just no need for lies. Alternatively though, if you feel the need for lying, why?

Momagain1 · 23/04/2015 20:41

I just always thought that domestic help is a luxury rather than necessity and any woman should be doing it yourself.

did you just travel in on the Tardis from 1952?

It is generally handy if one of the partners, probably the one that has the highest standards, takes the major responsibility in seeing that the housework gets done. Fewer crossed wires on who will what when, and how.

Whether that is by giving up all their free time, rallying the rest of the family with a fair division of chores and rewards, having their own Mum come by to help them maintain the standards picky partner was raised to expect, hiring a cleaner, lowereing their expectations, doesnt matter. There Is nothing about having ovaries that renders a woman more suited to the task of setting and meeting housekeeping standards, somehow, than a man.

Anyone or any couple earning above just scraping by level can afford a cleaner, if they prioritise that over some other optional expense, like one or both adults regularly buying coffees and lunches out, or a once-a-week family takeaway (why is it gereally accepted that cooking can be outsourced, but not cleaning?) or more television than freeview supplies.

AnyFucker · 23/04/2015 20:48

well, that was unexpected, wasn't it ?

DoraGora · 23/04/2015 20:52

The OP is obviously too busy cleaning to return to the thread. Maybe she's cleaning her computer, or cleaning her cleaner. No, probably not that one.

WizardofSnoz · 23/04/2015 20:56

*did you just travel in on the Tardis from 1952?

It is generally handy if one of the partners, probably the one that has the highest standards, takes the major responsibility in seeing that the housework gets done.*

Um, can you not see the contradiction between those two statements? You moan about 1952 but then you make a statement that one partner (with the highest standards) should do most. That's a very, very 1952 attitude. I can't see many men on mumsnet saying that their wives standards were higher therefore the housework should be her responsibility being given anything other than very short shrift. That attitude is completely 1952 and it's not fair to turn around and inflict it on a man when it would be unacceptable for a woman to be treated that way.

WizardofSnoz · 23/04/2015 20:57

Can I ask though. Did anybody else click on this thread because they thought from the title the cleaner had been shagging someone in their house and been caught in flagrante? I did

thenumberseven · 23/04/2015 21:03

OP Have you read The Help?
Someone does this, hires a cleaner behind her husband's back. Husband finds out but pretends he doesn't know...

There's absolutely nothing wrong in hiring someone to carry out jobs for you. In fact it's great you are giving someone an income, however to do it behind your partner's back is very, very unreasonable so sorry YABU

MrsKoala · 23/04/2015 21:06

I am boggling that you think that someone with higher standards should just get their own way and their partner should do loads more cleaning just to meet them. How is expecting those with higher needs to meet their own needs an attitude from the 1950s. It seems sensible to me. Why should one partner get to dictate to another?

And yes, I thought the cleaner was going to have been caught wanking or stealing. Most disappointing.

thenumberseven · 23/04/2015 21:10

WizardofSnoz Yes

caitlinohara · 23/04/2015 21:15

wizardofsnoz yep me too. I feel I have been misled.

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