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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP is furious that he 'caught' my cleaner in the act

166 replies

PinanShodan · 23/04/2015 12:41

One major issue in our relationship is that he likes a tidy house. So do I to be fair but I don't care as much as he does and most of the time I just can't be arsed. He does ALOT of stuff around the house so can't complain there but I never ask him to or expect him to and he knew I was untidy and housework shy when he met me.

We both work full time and are constantly arguining about housework. Because I do 13 hour shifts I get 3-4 days off in a week and DP seems to think I should just dedicate the majority of that time to housework.

I think not.

So behind his back I hired a cleaner. My philosophy was the house gets cleaned, I don't get the earache. DP is happy. I get the credit for it and the cleaner gets a job out of it. Everyone is happy?

Well DP came home unexpected from work yesterday and caught her here and is furious with me.

AIBU to think if he wants a spotless house but chose to live with a woman who is not Anthea Turner then he should compromise and let me hire a cleaner?? It's only £8 an hour!

OP posts:
VacantExpression · 23/04/2015 12:57

I think YABU not to have told him, my lovely laid back husband would hit the bloody roof if he came home to a stranger in our house. As would I if the roles were reversed.
YANBU to want a cleaner in the first place though!

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 23/04/2015 12:57

I think people are being a bit hysterical about hiring a cleaner and not telling DH because of the impact on family finances. I don't see how it's really that different from going out for a coffee or something during the week . I probably wouldn't mention that to DH.

IKnowRight · 23/04/2015 12:59

Why didn't you tell him you were hiring a cleaner? What would he have said/done?

I'm assuming that up until the point he discovered the cleaner in his house (I would have HIT THE ROOF btw in his position) he thought you were doing the cleaning? Why would you want him to think that? Is there any reason you can't get him to understand that equal hours at work = equal hours spent doing domestic tasks? All you've done here is allow him to think it's ok to expect you to do the cleaning and that you've done as you've been told.

WizardofSnoz · 23/04/2015 12:59

YWU not to tell him. YWNU to hire a cleaner.

It's not fair to have someone wandering around the house without his knowledge. I would hate that, there was a thread on here the other day about how upset someone was when her landlady let herself in and wandered around without asking.

If you know someone's going to be in you modify your behaviour and he may feel embarrassed by something he left behind and yes he could have been frightened thinking you were being burgled. He would have felt his privacy had been invaded as things he may have wanted to put away or lock up would have been left out or unsecured. I think you really were unfair on him. And yes a joint household expense should probably be discussed.

I think it's a bit junvenile to let his privacy be invaded and risk scaring him (not to mention upsetting your cleaner if she had the police called on her or a strange man barged in) just because you want to 'take the credit'.

If he takes issue with you having a cleaner paid for out of your own pocket when you have discussed it then he's being unreasonable.

But as it stands YABVU. Just not acceptable to have a stranger wandering around your home and having access to all your belongings regularly without discussing it with your partner first.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 23/04/2015 13:00

And the cleaner is presumably not a stranger to the op. I have plenty of people in my house dh doesn't know

Gottagetmoving · 23/04/2015 13:00

Its not a good relationship if you have to do things behind his back.
He was right to be annoyed with you for that. You never gave hima chance to agree to having a cleaner. He would be unreasonable to object to one if you can afford it.

NeedABumChange · 23/04/2015 13:00

bugger a cleaner coming for two hours is over a £1000 a year round here. That's a cheap holiday not a coffee.

DarylDixonsDarlin · 23/04/2015 13:04

I'd be well impressed if I came home and found a strange lady cleaning my bathroom! Grin

However, I think yabu to have not discussed it with him. I think a few hours of £8 an hour every week is quite a lot actually.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 23/04/2015 13:04

Why didn't you just say "I'm hiring a cleaner"? Same as you would with any other household task you can't / won't do yourself, like repairs and maintenance, window cleaning or whatever.

Is he furious because he didn't want a cleaner, or furious because you hired one without discussing it? I would have been furious if I had come home and found a stranger in my house with no previous discussion.

IKnowRight · 23/04/2015 13:05

How much it costs isn't the issue, if the OP can afford it then why not? I would given half a chance. The issue is why she felt she had to do it behind her dh's back.

BuggerLumps I have people in my house dh doesn't know too. But not doing household tasks or being there when there's no-one else in the house. If we were to have workmen etc, dh would know about it in advance. Common courtesy to let the other people who live in the house know, imo.

lemonyone · 23/04/2015 13:08

YABU for not telling him in the first place.

But… he is an idiot if he doesn't understand that working full time means that you should have some say over how yyou spend your free time. He sounds a bit of a control freak (if you don't mind me saying). I think you need to fix that problem. I'd be pretty damn furious with him in how little he thinks of my job and how tiring it is, and also how i should spend my money!

MrsHathaway · 23/04/2015 13:12

As pps, absolutely outrageous to have a cleaner unsupervised in your home without his knowledge. If she only came when you were in, that would be slightly different (but still not good).

If you are paying out of your money (as opposed to joint money, so only affecting your own 'fun money') then the financial side is irrelevant.

I absolutely agree that the reason for the deception, and the reason for the fury, should be the focus here.

5Foot5 · 23/04/2015 13:13

Well, as long as it comes out of your own pocket, why not?

Why on earth should it come out of her own pocket? That implies the housework is solely her responsibility so she should pay to have an alternative. In fact it is, at the very least, a household expense. If the extra work being undertaken is mainly because of the DHs requirements then it could be argues it should come out of his pocket.

Other than that agree with the majority that YANBU to hire a cleaner but YABU not to say that is what you are doing.

And as for him feeling you should do the majority of housework because you have the days off - WTF? You only have the days off because you work long shifts so you probaby do the same number of hours at work that he does. Does he spend his extra time in the evening doing housework while you are still at work?

WizardofSnoz · 23/04/2015 13:13

I have lots of people in my house that my husband doesn't know about too. But they're not cleaners who are left unsupervised with our belongings and they certainly won't be wandering into our bedroom and having a poke about. Or going through my dirty laundry. Or pulling the hair out of my plug or going in the fridge, emptying the dishwasher, seeing what's in my bins, seeing what cosmetics and medication I have around, or looking at the skid marks I've left in the loo, or cleaning out the cupboards or going in the office where the private papers etc are.

Having people your house that your partner doesn't know about is not acceptable when you are giving that person access at a level which invades their privacy without their consent. And that is what the OP has done. Quite different from letting in the gasman or having a mate around.

LowryFan · 23/04/2015 13:13

DH and I both work FT and he has similar shifts to you. He spends his child free days off doing cleaning, laundry, & house jobs - not all of them but a large chunk. He still gets more leisure time than me as my non work days are weekends when I am busy with the children and he's usually at work, but it's as fair as we can make it for now. If I discovered he had a secret cleaner on his days off I'd be furious.

KneeQuestion · 23/04/2015 13:14

It was a lie by omission really.

I dont think YABU to hire a cleaner, what is he angry about, you not telling him, or the fact that it's not you doing the cleaning?

Southamerica · 23/04/2015 13:14

Poor cleaner I say, she must have got the fright of her life and been quite embarrassed too!

Yes £1000 a year isn't 'coffee' money really.

Burke1 · 23/04/2015 13:14

You're definitely unreasonable to hire one behind his back. If that was me, I'd seriously consider breaking up with you. If I can't trust someone then it's very unlikely I'd feel like continuing any kind of relationship with them.

The cleaning needs to be done, so sit down like a pair of adults and work out a fair share. Betraying his trust is not the way to go about it, it is childish and rather pathetic.

shewept · 23/04/2015 13:14

Why on earth should it come out of her own pocket?

Because she chose to hire a cleaner? And because th OP also points out he does most of the housework himself. The cleaner isn't making his life easier, just the OPs.

RedToothBrush · 23/04/2015 13:31

Your issue is not the cleaner.

Its your relationship.

TooMuchRain · 23/04/2015 13:32

I would be pissed off in his position about having been lied to.

viva100 · 23/04/2015 13:40

YABU for doing it behind his back. I would be seriously pissed off with you if I were him. That's quite a big secret to have. IMO you two need to reassess your relationship. He needs to calm down a bit if he really is that strict about cleaning and you need to start respecting him by doing your part too. I would hate living with a slob, it would drive me nuts.

SpringTown46 · 23/04/2015 13:41

You need to talk about reasonable standards of housekeeping and the fair sharing of tasks. Anything over and above that is paid cleaner territory. It is a huge red flag that you felt you had to do this behind his back. Why did you?

Nolim · 23/04/2015 13:43

Yanbu for hiring a clener.
Yabu for not telling him.

MrsHathaway · 23/04/2015 13:45

At the point where the general housework is split 50/50, he "pays" for his half with labour, and she pays cash for hers. That's not an unreasonable situation.

I agree that extra housework he prefers (eg steam cleaning the patio weekly, or bleaching the skirting daily) is his responsibility, either in labour or cash. That would be for cleaning above and beyond the average though. Agreeing a basic level of clean would be a crucial first step.