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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP is furious that he 'caught' my cleaner in the act

166 replies

PinanShodan · 23/04/2015 12:41

One major issue in our relationship is that he likes a tidy house. So do I to be fair but I don't care as much as he does and most of the time I just can't be arsed. He does ALOT of stuff around the house so can't complain there but I never ask him to or expect him to and he knew I was untidy and housework shy when he met me.

We both work full time and are constantly arguining about housework. Because I do 13 hour shifts I get 3-4 days off in a week and DP seems to think I should just dedicate the majority of that time to housework.

I think not.

So behind his back I hired a cleaner. My philosophy was the house gets cleaned, I don't get the earache. DP is happy. I get the credit for it and the cleaner gets a job out of it. Everyone is happy?

Well DP came home unexpected from work yesterday and caught her here and is furious with me.

AIBU to think if he wants a spotless house but chose to live with a woman who is not Anthea Turner then he should compromise and let me hire a cleaner?? It's only £8 an hour!

OP posts:
googoodolly · 23/04/2015 13:46

I'd be really pissed off if DP hired a cleaner or something without telling me. Even if her wages were coming out of his paycheque, I would feel really uncomfortable knowing someone had been coming into my house and touching my things and I'd known nothing about it.

windchime · 23/04/2015 13:47

LTB

APlaceOnTheCouch · 23/04/2015 13:47

YANBU to hire a cleaner. YABU that you didn't tell him but I'm wondering why you didn't tell him. Would he have refused to allow you to hire a cleaner? This isn't about the cleaner.

Hissy · 23/04/2015 13:49

I agree with springtown.

OP, you say he does a lot, but does he pull his weight when it comes to housework? Would you be able to come to an agreement where you do the bits you prefer to do, and he does the bits he prefers to do?

Housework needs doing, and differences in standards are an issue. If the housework is equally spread but he is expecting more than you want/are prepared to give, and you are in the position where you want to outsource your share, assuming responsibility for security issues etc, then this should be acceptable to him.

Are his expectations too high? are your standards good enough for the day to day?

IntrinsicFieldSubtractor · 23/04/2015 13:49

Why on earth should it come out of her own pocket?

Because it would be even more unreasonable to expect him to pay for a cleaner he doesn't even know exists? Confused

I'm be furious too in his position, but I'd also be furious if my partner expected me to do all the housework after working 13-hour shifts for half the week. Hard to say who's being unreasonable without more information.

One thing I do always wonder on these threads, is how tidy is your house? I'm not the cleanest person, but I could keep my (admittedly small) living quarters in a respectable state with a couple of hours' effort a week, plus washing up etc as I go. I can't imagine it taking most of my free time unless I'd let the mess build up for ages (not unheard of Wink) Do people do a full-on clean of everything, every week?

Izzy24 · 23/04/2015 13:50

I would love to come home and find a stranger scrubbing my bathroom.

Hissy · 23/04/2015 13:50

Think you should have been more upfront with him.

Does HE spend HIS time off cleaning?

I think that you ought to have said "You want me to do x, I don't want to spend my days off cleaning to a high level, I will pay someone to do that for me"

uglyswan · 23/04/2015 13:51

YWBVU to put the cleaner in that position - did she know she was being hired in secret?

shewept · 23/04/2015 13:55

Why do so many people seem to have missed the bit in the OP where it says he already does 'ALOT'?

Or is it just easier to assumed the dp doesn't want a cleaner because he thinks housework is woman's work.

letscookbreakfast · 23/04/2015 13:56

Instead of paying someone why don't you pull your weight like your husband does OP?

I can see why he's pissed off.

IntrinsicFieldSubtractor · 23/04/2015 13:58

Oh, I missed the part where it says he does a lot. In that case it sounds like you are being more unreasonable.

I sympathise with the housework-shy part, not being exactly a domestic goddess myself (she writes, in her pyjamas, looking at the piles of odd socks and old bus tickets on the bedroom floor Grin). I also live with people who are for the most part tidier than me and it sometimes causes (minor) resentment on both sides. But you say he knew you were untidy when he met you - surely the opposite goes for you as well? If you have wildly differing standards then that sounds like something you should have discussed long before it got to this point, preferably before you started living together.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 23/04/2015 14:00

OP needs to come back and tell us why she didn't/ couldn't tell him.

I think that's where the answer to whether she was BU lies.

Also with just how high his standards are - is he thinking the entire house needs cleaning (vacuum and mop, maybe several bathrooms, maybe multiple beds changing, dusting and polishing, windows washing, inside of fridge and oven, all laundry, ironing and putting away) on every day off?

Are there children home with a nanny who doesn't do housework?

intrinsic if your house is empty all day housework can be done relatively quickly - but multiple children in and out of the house and Garden most of the way quadruples the housework ime!

EeekEeekEeekEeek · 23/04/2015 14:00

Does HE spend HIS time off cleaning?

OP says: He does ALOT of stuff around the house so can't complain there but I never ask him to or expect him to and he knew I was untidy and housework shy when he met me.

I'm guessing this means he cleans during his time off, that he wants her to equal his effort, but that she doesn't want to do this because she has different standards and dislikes cleaning. Thus the hire of the cleaner to do her 'half'.

Please correct me if I'm wrong, OP.

IntrinsicFieldSubtractor · 23/04/2015 14:02

MrTumbles that's a fair point! I was assuming OP doesn't have children as she doesn't mention any in her post, but I could be wrong.

EeekEeekEeekEeek · 23/04/2015 14:02

X-post, shewept.

Yeah, it sounds more like one of those cohabiting clashes than a misogyny issue.

BoffinMum · 23/04/2015 14:02

The problem was you didn't tell him to fuck off when he expected you to do it.

iwishiwasasarah · 23/04/2015 14:07

How long do you think it will be before he trusts you again?

Do you think he will worry that you've lied about other things?

Did you get the children to lie for you as well?

googoodolly · 23/04/2015 14:09

The problem was you didn't tell him to fuck off when he expected you to do it.

What?! Did you even read the OP? So OP should tell her partner to fuck off because he expects her to do her share of the housework? Hmm

OP, being naturally untidy in your own space is one thing, but inflicting it on a partner is really unfair imo.

diddl · 23/04/2015 14:10

If you both work full time & he does a lot, how is there anything left for a cleaner to do??

I certainly don't think that you should spend all your time off doing housework, although I'd be doing something as he obviously does!

firesidechat · 23/04/2015 14:10

The problem was you didn't tell him to fuck off when he expected you to do it.

Why would you recommend that Boffin? She implies that her husband does do his fair share and it is fair that she does her share too. What about all those women who, quite rightly, complain that their male partners don't take on their share of the household chores? Should the men on those threads tell their female partners to fuck off too.

musicmaiden · 23/04/2015 14:16

Why did you feel you need to take 'the credit' for someone else doing the cleaning - that's a juvenile attitude tbf.

You have said he does a lot around the house so I suspect he DOESN'T actually think you should spend ALL your downtime cleaning and you are exaggerating - he just thinks you should do your share, and clearly you just don't want to.

YANBU wanting a cleaner if you can afford it and you can't face doing it yourself, but for goodness sake - marriage is a partnership, talk to him about it first!

musicmaiden · 23/04/2015 14:18

needs edit function Sorry, after posting I just saw you use DP rather than DH so perhaps you are not married - but you're in a partnership anyway, so the point remains!

MyCatIsAGit · 23/04/2015 14:21

I pay for the cleaning in the house as I hate cleaning and really don't want to do it. He doesn't mind doing it but doesn't want to do it all. We have cleaners and I pay them.

He pays the bills, I give him a contribution, and we mostly split food. It could be argued that we should split the cleaning costs, but as he'd be happy to do it and I'm the one that hates it - I just pay it.

MyCatIsAGit · 23/04/2015 14:23

That sounds more clinical than it is re money contribution. It's more laid back than that, we don't have a book we write things down in or anything...

MrsKoala · 23/04/2015 14:23

But if she feels she does her fair share - just not to the standard her dh wants - then why should she do more. Just because he cleans to his standard doesn't mean the OP has to. I find it odd that the tidiest/cleanest person always trumps the other. I doubt the OP is squalid, just not as bothered by it as her dh.

My aunt cleans her cupboards out with bleach every couple of days, does her oven once a week, bathrooms every day, hoovers at 5am before work etc. Should her dh match that to pull his weight.

Apart from the lie, and as long as they can afford it, what difference does it make to him who does the house work?

I would also tell my DH to fuck off and he would to me if we expected the other one to do something we told them to. I don't tell my dh to do anything and he doesn't tell me either, we do what we want when we want.