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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP is furious that he 'caught' my cleaner in the act

166 replies

PinanShodan · 23/04/2015 12:41

One major issue in our relationship is that he likes a tidy house. So do I to be fair but I don't care as much as he does and most of the time I just can't be arsed. He does ALOT of stuff around the house so can't complain there but I never ask him to or expect him to and he knew I was untidy and housework shy when he met me.

We both work full time and are constantly arguining about housework. Because I do 13 hour shifts I get 3-4 days off in a week and DP seems to think I should just dedicate the majority of that time to housework.

I think not.

So behind his back I hired a cleaner. My philosophy was the house gets cleaned, I don't get the earache. DP is happy. I get the credit for it and the cleaner gets a job out of it. Everyone is happy?

Well DP came home unexpected from work yesterday and caught her here and is furious with me.

AIBU to think if he wants a spotless house but chose to live with a woman who is not Anthea Turner then he should compromise and let me hire a cleaner?? It's only £8 an hour!

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 23/04/2015 14:25

How much is 'a lot'? As you both work full time, are the household tasks split 50/50?

googoodolly · 23/04/2015 14:27

I think whether it's to his standard is neither here nor there, tbh. She invited a stranger into their home without his consent to clean - lots of people find having a cleaner quite intrusive and I know I wouldn't be happy to have someone in my house cleaning my things without my permission or at least without my knowledge.

shewept · 23/04/2015 14:30

Tell him to fuck off? for expecting her to do some housework.

Jesus, if was a man who came and started the same thread would you tell the man to tell his wife too fuck off?

Why is it so much to ask that she do some cleaning? some not all.

If she wants to pay someone to do her share, fine. But she should have told him. I wouldn't be happy if someone was coming in my house on a regular basis without me knowing.

And she should pay for it, not him. Since the cleaner isn't making his life any better.

Eeek got it spot on. It a cohabiting problem.

shewept · 23/04/2015 14:32

But if she feels she does her fair share

i don't think she does. she describes herself as 'housework shy'

MrsKoala · 23/04/2015 14:34

Yes googoo, that's why i said apart from the lie (and as long as they have the cash) i didn't see the problem - it was more in a response to the posters telling the OP to pull her weight.

I would be annoyed if a stranger was coming in without my knowledge. I would expect the opportunity to put away my inflatable sex dungeon private things.

MrsKoala · 23/04/2015 14:39

I would tell anyone who expected me to do something i didn't want to do to fuck off (maybe not quite that strongly, possibly just a no would suffice). As would my DH.

unnaturalmakeup · 23/04/2015 14:43

The problem was you didn't tell him to fuck off when he expected you to do it
Hmm, I can just see the AIBU now. "I do ALOT of the housework (OP's words), but my partner is untidy and doesn't like housework. I asked him to do some of his share, but he said he has better stuff to do than that and said I should fuck off. Who is being unreasonable?"

EeekEeekEeekEeek · 23/04/2015 14:51

I would tell anyone who expected me to do something i didn't want to do to fuck off

Well, yes if they demanded that thing, but the OP hasn't been clear on what her DP's actually said: she says he 'seems to think' she should clean in her time off. Perhaps she's just picking up on his irritation at an untidy house and he hasn't actually said anything.

No-one should be demanding their other half complies with all their preferences, but all cohabiting relationships involve compromise. You see something's upsetting your partner and you find a way round it. There are lots of things I do because of DH which I wouldn't ordinarily do, and vica versa. And there are lots of thinks we tolerate about each other.

It really seems less like a case of unreasonable demands and more like a case of two people needing to figure out a way to work round clashing expectations.

If the problem is just that OP's partner wasn't told about the cleaner, then the solution could be as simple as 'hiring a cleaner that he knows about.'

Come back OP, we need answers! Wink

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 23/04/2015 14:51

Impossible to tell unless we're told what standard your DH wants the house cleaned to, and what standard you want it done to.

EeekEeekEeekEeek · 23/04/2015 14:52

Agh - lots of things, not 'thinks'.

Moln · 23/04/2015 14:54

I think the OP is too busy cleaning to come back!

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 23/04/2015 14:58

Yes, as others have said it depends on why your DP was angry.

If it's because he wasn't consulted in regard to employing a stranger to work unsupervised in your home, then he may have a point. Surely he gets a say in whether that will happen or not?

If it's because he considers the cleaning to be your responsibility & is pissed off at the concept of you hiring help then he is being a knob of the highest order.

TheUnwillingNarcheska · 23/04/2015 15:02

Pinan great name by the way.

I was someone's secret cleaner for a little while whilst she got herself back on her feet. I had to tell her things that I had fixed or moved in case she was asked Blush

I totally understood why she did it. She had a toddler who was like a tornado, as the Mum went through the house tidying, the toddler would be causing more chaos so I was there for a few months to deep clean bathrooms etc so she could concentrate on sorting rather than cleaning.

Once she got organised I stopped. I am not a cleaner by trade I just helped someone out.

I can see why someone would do this. It makes the husband happy, it made her happy, it is a win win situation. The fact that the Dh gets or thinks he gets to dictate what she does in her downtime is ridiculous.

MrsKoala · 23/04/2015 15:04

OP says they are 'constantly arguing' so i guessed he had made it clear he expected/wanted her to do things he wanted and she didn't. But maybe not.

In my house there is no arguing, it goes 'can you do x?' the answer is then yes or no. You can't make people do things just because you want them to.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 23/04/2015 15:06

Well the thread title was misleading Sad

CapnMurica · 23/04/2015 15:06

I expect the OP didn't tell him because he would object to paying for it because OP can obviously do all the cleaning and tidying to his exacting standards when she is off Hmm.

Because 13 hour shifts doesn't mean you get down time when the Big Man is working 8 hour shifta five days a week Hmm.

GoblinLittleOwl · 23/04/2015 15:10

So behind his back I hired a cleaner
Which century is he living in?
Your money, your choice, your house.
Unbelievable!!

fluffymouse · 23/04/2015 15:10

Donna I thought the same when I read the thread title

Cleaner cleaning is far less exciting than cleaner caught shagging

letscookbreakfast · 23/04/2015 15:14

Are people not reading that the OP's partner does a lot of the housework etc on purpose just so they can have a dig at him?

IntrinsicFieldSubtractor · 23/04/2015 15:21

CapnMurica that's a hell of a projection to make from one not-particularly-informative post Hmm

YouTheCat · 23/04/2015 15:23

Maybe the OP had already suggested getting a cleaner and her dp had said no?

Tbh, she's spending her money, that she earns doing 13 hour shifts, to pay someone to do the jobs she hates doing. If I could afford it I'd be paying someone to do the cleaning/gardening/windows etc.

VelvetRose · 23/04/2015 15:25

The cleaner idea is great but you should have told him. You put the cleaner and him in a very difficult situation.

MrsKoala · 23/04/2015 15:32

I think that's irrelevant letscook. He does it because he wants it done. It's up to him what he does.

googoodolly · 23/04/2015 15:34

Which century is he living in?
Your money, your choice, your house.
Unbelievable!!

Err, are you just ignoring the fact that it's his house and his choice too. OP can't get a cleaner in without infringing on his right to say he doesn't want a total stranger in his home cleaning his stuff!

OurGlass · 23/04/2015 15:35

Yanbu to go behind your husbands back.