Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP is furious that he 'caught' my cleaner in the act

166 replies

PinanShodan · 23/04/2015 12:41

One major issue in our relationship is that he likes a tidy house. So do I to be fair but I don't care as much as he does and most of the time I just can't be arsed. He does ALOT of stuff around the house so can't complain there but I never ask him to or expect him to and he knew I was untidy and housework shy when he met me.

We both work full time and are constantly arguining about housework. Because I do 13 hour shifts I get 3-4 days off in a week and DP seems to think I should just dedicate the majority of that time to housework.

I think not.

So behind his back I hired a cleaner. My philosophy was the house gets cleaned, I don't get the earache. DP is happy. I get the credit for it and the cleaner gets a job out of it. Everyone is happy?

Well DP came home unexpected from work yesterday and caught her here and is furious with me.

AIBU to think if he wants a spotless house but chose to live with a woman who is not Anthea Turner then he should compromise and let me hire a cleaner?? It's only £8 an hour!

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 23/04/2015 15:42

Why OurGlass? It's his house too.

shewept · 23/04/2015 15:44

I expect the OP didn't tell him because he would object to paying for it because OP can obviously do all the cleaning and tidying to his exacting standards when she is off

Except she doesn't do it all. He does alot of it.

KERALA1 · 23/04/2015 15:46

Dh last week booked a team of cleaners without consultation. He won't let me have their details in case I cancel them. Have set up my own business after being Sahm and suddenly got really busy with it and getting everything done was stressing me out he works long hours so does what he can but not around.

I came home and the house was like a hotel. Its fucking awesome. I don't care what it costs it's worth it.

KERALA1 · 23/04/2015 15:49

Don't get this total stranger horror either. Total stranger cleaning my bathroom so I don't have to? Bring it on

Model5 · 23/04/2015 15:56

I'd be furious too. I'd be delighted to have a cleaner but if DH arranged for a stranger to regularly be in my house without telling me I'd be furious.

Not because I'm scared of strangers just because I'd want to know, not least so I don't walk in on them and fell a right plum for knowing nothing about them, like DP must have.

I'd also think things had got very bad in our relationship if he even considered doing it without telling me.

WizardofSnoz · 23/04/2015 16:00

I find it very interesting that when there is a thread on here where a female OP complains that a male partner isnt pulling their weight domestically the answer is almost always that the man is very much in the wrong. Yet many people on here seem to be arguing that with or without the cleaner the OP is under no particular obligation to help much with the housework if she doesnt want to.

I dont understand the OPs outrage that he expects her to spend her days off cleaning either. Well, yes, thats when cleaning gets done. Everybody does it on their days off including him. Obviously there should be time for leisure etc but you cant expect days off to be completely free of domestic chores.

I suspect this may also be a reaction to frustration with laziness in the OP. If shes been unhelpful around the house and prefers to spend her time off doing things she enjoys then I can see why he would be frustrated if he is spending his time off picking up the slack. If hes already annoyed with her because shes been lazy about helping out then compounding that by getting a secret cleaner would have made it even worse.
The OP seems to imply its not costing much so that implies that the cleaner isnt working that many hours. And I think you would probably be pissed off if you did all the household chores but in a stretch of several days off your partner couldnt be arsed to do the 4-5 hours domestic work the cleaner seems to be doing.

Number3cometome · 23/04/2015 16:02

Ha! This is hilarious!

Most people get pissed off about finding their OH is having an affair, not hired a fucking cleaner!

He should be pleased, what's his problem?

And good thinking OP, I like your style

motherinferior · 23/04/2015 16:07

Most threads about men who don't do their share of the housework go on about how unreasonable the OP is for not suggesting a cleaner...

If I'd pulled a 13 hour shift I wouldn't feel much like cleaning either, it must be said. Mind you, I never feel like cleaning.

WizardofSnoz · 23/04/2015 16:29

I agree that hiring a cleaner is the ideal solution in this situation.

But there is another problem with her doing this on the sly. He was still doing his share of jobs the rest of the time. He was still spending his days off cleaning. Do you think he would not like a cleaner to do his jobs too?

On the other threads where women are told a cleaner is an ideal solution to a shiftless partner I don't think anybody would be particularly impressed if that shiftless partner had secretly hired a cleaner to do their bit while letting the female OP slog away during her days off doing her bits. If nothing else because it would mean they were sometimes wasting their time doing work which was unnecessary if a cleaner was in the next day. It would piss you right off.

Also re 13 hour shifts. No, I wouldn't want to work after a 13 hour shift either. Which is why I'd relax on the first day off completely, do a couple of hours cleaning on days 2-3 I had off then take day 4 off completely again. I doesn't sound like she has the cleaner in full time for 4 days.

MrsKoala · 23/04/2015 17:12

Wizard I do genuinely feel that without a cleaner the OP is under no obligation to clean. I don't think anyone, regardless of gender, should be. Some people don't care and don't want to do it. My Dh would never do it. That's his choice. I can't force him and I'm not going to spend our lives arguing over it. I have to then make my choices accordingly. It's part of the reason I won't ever work again or if I did we would have to get a cleaner or I'd leave.

It's a comparability issue really. I don't see how anyone can win this argument. 'Do more cleaning' 'no' 'if you loved me you would clean more' 'if you loved me you wouldn't make me do something I don't want to do' 'I want it cleaner in here and it's my house' 'well I don't and it's my house too'... No one trumps the other and then you get into a circular argument.

A cleaner is the only solution to this if neither will compromise.

Morelikeguidelines · 23/04/2015 17:40

Um, why didn't you just tell him that was what you were doing?

"I don't want to spend my free time on housework so I will pay someone with my money to do my half share" type of thing.

IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou · 23/04/2015 17:43

YABU to marry a controlling prick.

YANBU to maximise your time off & not spend it skivvying after him....

RomanticallyInclined02 · 23/04/2015 17:44

Can I hijack the thread a tiny bit and ask if it is actually quite normal to have a cleaner? Both me and DP work full-time, 2 DC, lots of weekend activities (so not much free time). So finding time and energy for proper cleaning is problematic. I just always thought that domestic help is a luxury rather than necessity and any woman should be doing it yourself.

Don't mean to offend anyone.

MrsKoala · 23/04/2015 17:47

if you can afford it Romantic - do it. why even think about it?

RomanticallyInclined02 · 23/04/2015 17:50

MrsKoala - Where I was raised, only incredibly rich and posh people had cleaners. "Regular" women, like my mother, juggled jobs, children and household duties.

It just feels very self-indulgent - to pay someone for something which I am capable of doing myself.

redskybynight · 23/04/2015 17:55

I agree with your Romantically - it seems terribly self indulgent to have a cleaner. TBH my thinking is that if you would hire a cleaner for a couple of hours a week then (unless you are a single parent) that equals yourself and your DP cleaning for an hour each. Which hardly constitutes a big deal, even if you do work full time, have DC etc etc.

MrsKoala · 23/04/2015 17:55

Would your DH feel the same guilt? Would you feel guilt contracting in any other household/domestic work? Plumbing? Gardening?

MrsKoala · 23/04/2015 17:58

But you don't only do 2hours cleaning a week. A house (well my house anyway) needs at least that a day of domestic work. If someone could come in for 2 hrs and do the bathrooms, kitchen, run the hoover round once a week it would take the pressure off for those things but in no way mean i wouldn't have anymore cleaning/chores to do.

RomanticallyInclined02 · 23/04/2015 17:59

MrsKoala, DH wouldn't support the idea of hiring a cleaner for exactly the reasons above.

For plumbing we do get paid help as it's not something we are trained to do. For gardening: lawn-mowing is on us, cutting of green fences is for the gardener (once a year though).

DH would say there is no point wasting money and we just have to stop being lazy. We have a 3-bed / 2-reception house.

RomanticallyInclined02 · 23/04/2015 18:01

I could never find a whole day for cleaning! But I do despair at the sight of all the bits and pieces that need to be tidied around the house and I honestly don't have neither energy nor inclination to spend my free time cleaning. I guess, I AM being lazy.

OurGlass · 23/04/2015 18:02

Yes obviously it's his house too. I meant in the grand scheme of things, things like cleaners should be discussed.

YouTheCat · 23/04/2015 18:03

Why should 'any woman be doing it for herself'? If both partners work full time then housework should be very much 50/50.

I don't work full time. My partner does. So I do most of the housework and he pitches in without me having to prod him to either help me or do things I struggle with because I'm a shortarse .

If you've got a spare £20 a week, why not have a cleaner?

Weathergames · 23/04/2015 18:04

I think I love you!

RomanticallyInclined02 · 23/04/2015 18:04

YouTheCat, DH does do his share. But it is not enough, we both do the bare minimum, the house is not clean and it annoys me.

Is that how much it costs - £20 per week?

YouTheCat · 23/04/2015 18:06

For 2 hours, it'd be about that. But I don't have a cleaner, that's just what I've surmised from threads on here.