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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP is furious that he 'caught' my cleaner in the act

166 replies

PinanShodan · 23/04/2015 12:41

One major issue in our relationship is that he likes a tidy house. So do I to be fair but I don't care as much as he does and most of the time I just can't be arsed. He does ALOT of stuff around the house so can't complain there but I never ask him to or expect him to and he knew I was untidy and housework shy when he met me.

We both work full time and are constantly arguining about housework. Because I do 13 hour shifts I get 3-4 days off in a week and DP seems to think I should just dedicate the majority of that time to housework.

I think not.

So behind his back I hired a cleaner. My philosophy was the house gets cleaned, I don't get the earache. DP is happy. I get the credit for it and the cleaner gets a job out of it. Everyone is happy?

Well DP came home unexpected from work yesterday and caught her here and is furious with me.

AIBU to think if he wants a spotless house but chose to live with a woman who is not Anthea Turner then he should compromise and let me hire a cleaner?? It's only £8 an hour!

OP posts:

thenumberseven · 23/04/2015 21:16

Wizardof Snoz MrsKoala
A cleaner working for the building developer I was working for was caught entertaining gentleman friend in the show apartment.
I jumped to the conclusion this was the case. I don't have a dirty mind

Fairenuff · 23/04/2015 21:18

OP are you going to engage with posters on this thread at all?

MrsHathaway · 23/04/2015 21:19

Someone does this, hires a cleaner behind her husband's back. Husband finds out but pretends he doesn't know...

Technically she hires a cook.

I agree with pp that it's to think nothing of outsourcing cooking, but baulk at outsourcing cleaning. But that doesn't take into account that typically outsourced cooking is done in another kitchen, whereas cleaning has to happen in your home. For that reason outsourcing laundry to a drycleaner or other service (I saw laundered shirts for 99p advertised at Earls Court the other day! My ironing lady charges 80p just for the ironing...) feels less indulgent if you have to deliver it than if someone does it in your house.

lavenderhoney · 23/04/2015 21:31

The only bit which isn't right is not telling him. I don't mean asking him if it's ok - I mean saying " I work really hard at work, I've got the cash and I'm happy to spend it on a cleaner and forego coffee or something"

If he doesn't secretly like cleaning either then perhaps he could contribute and have her there more.

But - seriously - how much cleaning is there, if he is cleaning? Do you mean tidying up? I'm rather untidy, as even my DC point out, but it's clean:)

DoraGora · 23/04/2015 21:46

wizardof, yes. I thought I'd catch a bit of shagging, yes. Some thought has gone into the OP, in respect of how to get mn chasing its proverbial tail over the issue of mums expected to work and clean (plus a catchy title) it's a troll thread.

MrsKoala · 23/04/2015 22:01

I thought it was a really interesting discussion about different attitudes to housework. I have really enjoyed it.

ApplePaltrow · 23/04/2015 22:29

Is there any way in which the DP can't be at fault on mumsnet? Now it's controlling to expect an admittedly lazy partner to pick up their part of the cleaning! If this were a guy doing this the woman would be told to LTB immediately. Of course, she is still being told to LTB because him expecting to do her share is unfair and he is a abusive

There's feminism and then there's just having a chip on your shoulder. It actually makes me feel sorry for men.

DoraGora · 23/04/2015 22:37

What? How much cleaning is this totally imaginary man doing?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 23/04/2015 22:41

Are there really so many adults who don't think they can make a decision that they fund without asking someone else's permision?

If she's paying for it out of her personal money (I understand people who do the everything in the pot thing tend to allocate each other equal personal money). Then she is facilitating it being done so why shouldn't she take credit for it.

I wouldn't expect another functioning adult to ask my permision to do anything and I certainly wouldn't expect them to ask permision about who they could have in their own house when I was not there.

If you are in a partnership usually a level of trust is involved and this should extend to trusting that they are as worthy as you are to decide to outsource help or not and make a responsible choice and decide who to let into the house because adults tend to be well adults.

If they split responsibility for chores and it sounds like they do he has the same ability as her to decide to outsource his share or not. It's not shirking a responsibility if it actually gets done without the other party having to increase their share.

kissedbyamoonbeammyarse · 23/04/2015 22:55

For me the problem is that she lied. She actually took the credit for the cleaners work.
I would have told my partner "I already work full time, I hate housework, I am hiring a cleaner"

TowerRavenSeven · 23/04/2015 23:45

YANBU to want a cleaner. YABVU for lying to him about it! Why not just tell him you were going to hire one? Did you really think he'd never find out?

shewept · 24/04/2015 07:18

If they split responsibility for chores and it sounds like they do

No it doesn't. And she hires a cleaner for 2 hours on one day, that's her 'share'. What about the rest of the week. She is entirely reasonable to hire a cleaner to do her share, but 2 hours on one day isn't going to do much.

You may not mind someone regularly coming in your house, who you don't know and unsupervised. But lots of people wouldn't. I wouldn't. If dh hired a cleaner, I would love it (he does at least his fair share) but I would want to know someone was in my house.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 24/04/2015 22:56

But it's not just your house.

He's an adult he has the same ability as you to decide if he's ok to invite someone into his home.

The op made a perfectly acceptable choice during a time that her DH was not expected to be in the house.

If a couple disagree about someone entering their home it's grossly unfair for the 'no' party to dictate who enters when they are not even in.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 24/04/2015 23:10

And my cleaner can deep clean a kitchen and 3 bathrooms and other stuff in 3 hours.

She's good and fairly quick. I'm shite and procrastinate lots as well as making myself look much busier than I really am so in 3 hours could potentially wash the dishes and empty the bins.

My cleaners results in 3 hours are about the equivalent of 15 of mine ( she has an advantage given that she actually knows where the Hoover is kept and how it works)

mousmous · 24/04/2015 23:12

if your dh is not happy about you hiring a cleaner, is he happy to do the cleaning himself then?

BeeInYourBonnet · 25/04/2015 08:32

I've had a cleaner for 6m having previously thought it frivolous and only for the very wealthy!
It Amazing. £15 PW, bathroom cleaned, floors mopped/hoovered, dusting done, quick once over of kitchen. Happy days!

It doesn't mean I'm sitting on my arse during my non working hours (I work FT) as there is still so much tidying, admin, kids homework, cooking, lunch boxes, washing etc to do, but its just means I'm not totally chasing my tail all the time. Weekends are full of kid activities, so the alternative is to be bathroom cleaning at 10pm. No thanks.

You should have told your DH, OP, but I understand why you didnt

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