Who is BU over photos of kids?

[slithytove]

My sister takes a lot of photos of my kids, proper ones on film.

I asked her today if I could copy her negatives so I could have the photos too.

She said no, they were her property and special to her and she didn't just want to share them.

All true and fair I guess, but I feel a bit sad actually that there are pics I can't own (some have me in) or potentially even see. Some of these are photos I've asked her to take when my camera (digital) has been out of use.

My really petty side wants to prevent her taking photos of me and my children if she isn't willing to let me pay for a copy of the pics.

I feel a bit shit, who is bu?

[CheeseandPickledOnion]

Is she having a mental breakdown or something? That is just plain fucking weird.

[slithytove]

I suppose its the fact she takes photos and I can't even ask to see them, in case there are nice ones. Knowing that while she is taking pictures with me in, that I might never see them.

Anyway I told her no more photos under this rules, and that was when she hit me with all the I hate her stuff.

She is 26, not a baby

[slithytove]

If I was at your wedding or birthday party, and took photos or video, I'd bang the lot on disk and hand it over. And I would expect that the person would want the lot.

I wouldn't keep them all and maybe dole out one special one a year later.

I don't think I'm the weird one!

As for handing them all over, it's just easier for me. Whether it's film or digital.

Maybe I am weird or controlling, but if I see a photo of my kids or me ( newspaper, school, nursery), I have always asked for a copy and never had an issue. Maybe I've been lucky.

[BarbarianMum]

I too think expecting to be given a copy of every single picture ever taken of you/your children is weird.

[ollieplimsoles]

I don't think you are being U OP.

She said she doesnt get these pictures out either, so its not only just an issue of her having them, shes not even wanting to share them.

[Tinklewinkle]

She sounds bonkers, but, and I know this is going to make me sound unhinged, but I do kind of see where she's coming from with the they're my pictures, I don't want to share them feeling.

I also love photography, I've also spent hours farting about with a camera working out how to use it, how to get a certain shot and it does make me feel a bit "no, take your own" if people ask if they can have a copy.

My weirdness doesn't extend to photos I've taken of other peoples kids, if we're out and about and I've taken some pics, then of course I'll share them, I'm not totally odd, but, for example - last year I took a pic of some bluebells in a local wood, I'd got up ridiculously early several days on the trot (the light wasn't quite right one morning, the next morning it was cloudy, blah, blah, blah) so it took time and patience to get the picture that was in my head (and yes, this isn't really helping my claim that I'm not completely off my rocker ), but when I got it, I was ridiculously precious about it, a couple of people asked if they could have copies as they wanted it printed up as canvases but I really didn't want to share them. My DH used the picture as part of an advertising thing for his business. He really didn't think I'd mind, but boy did I.

I like a lot of craft stuff too, anything I make is quite personal to me, and if someone asks if I can make something the same/similar I always refuse.

Just a different perspective, not saying you're wrong, you're not, but I can kind of see how she feels. She needs to find different subjects to photograph

[BarbarianMum]

Posted too soon, sorry.

But I also think your dsis refusal to let you see or copy any is weird and rude.

[Tinklewinkle]

And I wouldn't share every single pic either.

For every 1 nice pic, there are dozens of gurning, closed eyes, bright red bin in the back ground, blurred, too dark, too bright, etc shots. When emailing pics to a friend of a day out, I usually only send over the decent ones (no one ever knows I take more guff than good pictures [grim])

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

I think both of you have reacted oddly tbh . I have a massive family. Lots of people taking photos at different times and different events. I've never asked for copies of all the photos that I appear in and likewise no-one has ever asked for copies of all my photos.
If someone considers their photography to be their hobby then I can understand why they're a bit protective of it.
I post some of my photos on FB for distant friends to see and one of my DSIS regularly calls my DM to describe the pics to her or shows DM them on her photo. I find that odd since DSIS isn't in the pics It feels oddly intrusive.
Maybe your DSIS feels the same way and is concerned you're trying to take 'her photography' away from her.

[tumsup]

To me she's being unreasonable.

I had two uncles who were photographers. Neither were so up themselves they wouldn't share the photos of us. They didn't proffer up the rubbish ones, just the better ones.

Having two dsis myself, is this less about her art and more about sibling rivalry/jealousy?

Would you dm really take her side on this? Perhaps she is particularly vulnerable and nobody wants to upset her. It seems very odd to me.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I wouldn't respond to that text. I'd let my dsis stew on that one.

[hoobypickypicky]

It strikes me as she's very insecure about something. Is she the youngest and the more indulged by your parents?

I could be that her nose is pushed out of joint by the children. She can be fond of them and feel threatened by their place in your world/their grandma and wider family's world at the same time. Telling you that you're threatened by her is projecting. Maybe she wants to you to feel threatened by her because it gives her the comfort of believing that she's number one daughter in the family and you're just envious of her.

And/or you've got something she hasn't - the children - now she's demonstrating that she can have something you can't have. It's very controlling and very weird.

Like Collaberate, I'd steer well clear of her after telling her that she can come back and talk to me when she's worked through her (obvious) issues and is more reasonable.

[tumsup]

PS I can totally understand about the above poster's bluebells. But these are your dc.

[knowsaymuhfuh]

I wouldn't ask for every photo that was being taken of me and DCs, but I think if, on asking for copies of nice ones for some reason, it became clear someone was taking photos of me and DCs that I was not allowed to ever see, I would consider that a bit off/odd.

On the other hand I do understand as a creative person myself that things you do creatively can be entirely private and not to ever be accessible to anyone else, like your babies, so there is room for understanding/give and take here.

If someone is a very private person about some creative work of theirs it is probably worth telling them you understand that and asking if they would very kindly let you have copies of something they have done, rather than trying to acquire it through force of will. A little respect for what she holds dear and an explanation of how hard you find it to deal with/relate to from your point of view, could clear things up a bit.

[5madthings]

Ok she is just being bizarre! In our family wr just email any photos of each other we have taken, share on fb or whatever.

[BlusteringBlues]

I too think she is being odd. I remember when my 2nd dd was born my bil taking lots of photos which I obviously didn't mind but then he posted them onto his facebook and blocked me from seeing them. This I found odd and very rude as the rest of my family and friends if they put pictures online tagged myself and my dp in them.
Individually it was irritating and rude but when looked at collectively along with other things he was doing at the time it became clear it was another way of trying to compete with me over my children-like a 'I've got photos but you can't see them na na' sort of thing.
I agree with the other posters that it sounds like your sister is projecting, I would hazard a guess that she is fond of your children but jealous and insecure at the same time. I too would leave her to it, she's trying to be petty its her issue.

[slithytove]

I don't mean I want crappy blurred pics
But of a roll where there are maybe ten good pics of me and kids in different poses, yes, I want them. Especially when I've said please take this pic. I will have to accept I'm weird and she maybe has a point. Though I still think the solution is no pictures.

[slithytove]

By the way I don't have a massive family or lots of events. Me and her are often the only ones taking pics. Often she has the only ones of me. I know they are 'hers' but they are of me. It feels selfish aNd wrong to keep them back.

[slithytove]

She is the youngest and is very indulged.

This all came about from me asking nicely for copies of the ones I had asked to be taken that day and she said no, I had to wait for a big unveiling. Only then did it come out that I like to have all of them (my controlling flaw, I get that). She had already said no to a reasonable request

My force of will, I.e. Find a different subject, has come from her not seeing my perspective at all.

I don't get this 2 wonderful things ( photography and children) have to combine to make something wonderful and private for her, at all. If I tried to do that with someone else's kids they would think I was a nutter.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

I would wonder what she really is doing with the pictures. Has she an alter ego online where she is a mother of 2 dc and the reason behind not wanting you to have them could be that you could post them online and her cover could be blown?

There again that could be just as crazy as she appears.

She could be heading for some sort of breakdown. Is the state of her house another symptom.

[Tinklewinkle]

On the other hand I do understand as a creative person myself that things you do creatively can be entirely private and not to ever be accessible to anyone else, like your babies, so there is room for understanding/give and take here.

This was what I was trying to say, much more to the point without blathering on about bluebells

I don't know, maybe I am unhinged, but I do sometimes feel very strongly that I don't want to share, or lose control of a picture

I don't want to hide the pictures away, We've got a wall in the dining room covered in family pictures I've taken. My 'thing' is candid portraits, I love sticking a long lens on my camera, sitting back and taking pics of my kids when they play. Some I'm happy to share on FB and lose control of, my family obviously want to see what the kids are up to and they print the pics out, etc, but some pics I'm not happy to share and are just for us.

If she feels that strongly that she wants to keep her pics private that's fine, but she needs to find other subjects.

[LadyCuntingtonThe3rd]

You're not weird. She is.
My teenage sister studies photography right now and has camera with her everywhere. If she was to take photos of my children and not share them with me, she wouldn't be allowed to take photos of them again. End of. In fact I would tell her to never come over with camera and leave her iPhone on the table during her visit.
I think you've made the right decision.

[hoobypickypicky]

"She is the youngest and is very indulged."

I rest my case!

TBH I think I'd be inclined to tell her she's being infantile.

"Look love, I haven't time for this. I'm a busy mother with a home to run/job to hold down. I asked you to take photos because I wanted a copy - why would I have asked you to take photos of my children if I thought you were going to be so childishly possessive?
In future please keep your camera in your bag when with my children and I, so this doesn't arise again".

[OldBeanbagz]

Just discovered this message and i think your sister is bonkers!

I'm a photographer and whenever i take photos of family or friend's kids, they're more than welcome to have copies of them and share them on their Facebook page.

On the other hand, i never get copies of photos my sister takes of my kids, maybe she feels they're not good enough?

[hoobypickypicky]

Tinkle, the bluebell photos sound lovely and I totally understand you there. I get what you're saying about your kids too but surely you wouldn't be like that about photos of someone else and their children.

[slithytove]

sometimes feel very strongly that I don't want to share, or lose control of a picture

Tinkle do you feel like that about photos of other people's kids? Cos that to me is the difference