Who is BU over photos of kids?

[slithytove]

My sister takes a lot of photos of my kids, proper ones on film.

I asked her today if I could copy her negatives so I could have the photos too.

She said no, they were her property and special to her and she didn't just want to share them.

All true and fair I guess, but I feel a bit sad actually that there are pics I can't own (some have me in) or potentially even see. Some of these are photos I've asked her to take when my camera (digital) has been out of use.

My really petty side wants to prevent her taking photos of me and my children if she isn't willing to let me pay for a copy of the pics.

I feel a bit shit, who is bu?

[slithytove]

I will show them this

lifehacker.com/use-the-ring-theory-to-know-how-to-comfort-someone-977848409

[SugarOnTop]

I'm not going to trust her again, and I'm certainly going to take a step back, but I am going to forgive her......she seems now to support my taking a step back from my sister until she addresses her own issues. This is good to hear

Sounds like you handled it perfectly

[AlpacaPicnic]

(((Hugs))) for Slithy. You are brave to confront the situation head on, and it sounds like you stayed calm. Does your mum honestly not see that by agreeing with your sister for an easy life, she's reinforcing the damaged relationship between you to the extent that you'll never 'all just get along'?

I'm glad you had a chance to speak your side of the situation - with proof!

[diddl]

I think that you are right not to trust her again.

After all, she has told you exactly what you want to hear after initially lying to you!

And blamed your sister for the things that she said about you!

[CrapBag]

Wow this thread has moved on a bit from when I last read it!

I'm glad you confronted your mum. Do you truly believe what she said about why she agreed with your sister? Why is she so afraid to upset her?

Actually she is probably one of those who likes to keep the peace. My nan can be like this. A lot of people behave in really shitty ways in my family, are utter liars or just don't ever listen and it's all 'me me me'. Not once has she ever pulled anyone up on their crappy behaviour and I sometimes get the impression she agrees with who she is talking to at the time, regardless of what she really thinks. It sounds like it could be the case with your mum.

But you are right not to trust her again. I'd not bother with your sister ever. You don't have to formally cut her out but don't engage with her at all. Her behaviour is weird and ridiculous. Why should you be subjected to this shit when you have done nothing bloody wrong.

I can't even comment on the issue of your eldest child. Sorry for your loss .

It doesn't surprise me that you have needed counselling either, with a family like this!

[Nydj]

Sorry OP, I think you are sort of minimising your mum's role in all of this. at best, she says what she thinks the person she is talking to wants to hear. There doesn't seem to have been any explanation for her refusal to listen to your side of things especially if she says she knows how your sister is.

I don't know your mum so I could be completely wrong but do you think maybe she realised that if she didn't say what you wanted to hear, you would be less available to help your parents out? Again, my apologies if I have got that totally wrong.

[slithytove]

This is going to sound so bad. But again she doesn't think that fast.

If she had just been agreeing with me, then maybe.
But she volunteered a lot of opinion and praise herself and I don't think she is capable of lying convincingly like that. She was also shocked at some of the stuff she didn't know, and some of the stuff my sister had lied about.

I'm not minimising her role. She was disloyal, untrustworthy, stupid, and hurtful. But I can forgive that. She is my mum!

And I know what my sister can be like, and how beaten down my mum can be sometimes. I can believe she is afraid to upset her yes. She was telling me of some stuff my sister did and said when she visited, and it sounded terrible. If I'm honest, my sister sounds like she is on the verge of a complete breakdown.

Crap - you are totally right. She likes to keep the peace and usually makes things worse. Not this much worse, but there is a first time for everything! I hope she understands now that any involvement from her will just drive me and my sister, AND me and my mum apart.

You are right too Nydj. She insisted that she doesn't like to be in the middle but she didn't/couldn't explain why she entertained and participated in the conversation with my sister instead of shutting her down as she has done me.

Mum wouldn't be scared I wouldn't help her out. She would be scared I would cut her out though, as I'm not scared to do that. I have no tolerance for consistent negative influences in our lives. Luckily for me, she hasn't become that. Yet. I don't intend to be blind about this though.

I did stay perfectly calm, and got my points across, and I was so proud! It's taken a long time to get to that point.

[TheForger]

She isn't as 'scared' of you as she is your sister, which is why she doesn't shut your sister down but does do it to you. Sorry that this is happening it's a whole shifting of foundations and understanding.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

She deflected her side of the conversation and laid all the blame at your sister's door.

You know and love her, quite rightly you want to defend her.

I hope your guard is up now.