Who is BU over photos of kids?

[slithytove]

My sister takes a lot of photos of my kids, proper ones on film.

I asked her today if I could copy her negatives so I could have the photos too.

She said no, they were her property and special to her and she didn't just want to share them.

All true and fair I guess, but I feel a bit sad actually that there are pics I can't own (some have me in) or potentially even see. Some of these are photos I've asked her to take when my camera (digital) has been out of use.

My really petty side wants to prevent her taking photos of me and my children if she isn't willing to let me pay for a copy of the pics.

I feel a bit shit, who is bu?

[diddl]

"I'm so torn on the babysitting."

Don't be.

Your kids need protecting from her!

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

I can understand you wanting to go to the wedding, close friend and the expense you've already gone to but after this can you trust a friend to look after the children.

I wouldn't trust your Mother as far as I could throw her, tbh.

[slithytove]

Sorry for pissing everyone off! Believe me I have sympathy, I've been pissed off for years!

Thing is, mum isn't particularly controlling. Two faced, very insensitive, but she is a bit of a coward too. So I don't think I am at risk of her going behind my back that weekend. Plus dad will be here.

They are our only option btw, kids will be 2.5 and nearly 1 and never left with anyone else. Plus I couldn't afford a babysitter for 3 days. I'll have to just see how things go, and if it comes to it, go alone.

We all get on with my dad, but my brother has some mental health problems including depression, and he has rejected all of us at various points. No idea what went on with my sister when she visited them, but as you've seen, she has a tendency for the dramatic.

I'm not going to go NC with my mum. But I am going to censor every single word I say to her in the assumption it all goes back to my sister (am very annoyed she told sister I was having counselling!), and not be such a doormat any more.

[musicalbingo]

What ollieplimsoles said x 2

Do not let her babysit - what on earth is wrong with the woman?
More importantly, if she says this kind of rubbish to you, what is she going to start saying to your kids both about you/your DH and also about themselves!

I'll send you the money for a sodding babysitter!!!

[IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece]

Hell no to her babysitting!

Hell, are you in London? I'll bloody do it!

[overthemill]

She's being very very controlling. Does she have her own children? It's not a situation you are comfortable with so you need to state clearly and calmly that you aren't and explain your reasons why ( if you can). Then say that you want copies of all the pictures she has and will pay for them. And from this point on you withdraw permission for her to take any photos of your children without your explicit permission. And that you will get a restraining order ( that's US term though) if she continues to take photos.

[slithytove]

Mum has never bad mouthed my DH to me, nor anyone else to my knowledge.

She would NEVER say a bad word to or about the kids.

It's just my siblings and me she seems to have this blind spot with. I don't get it. I'm not perfect, but I'm not this bad, and I'm certainly not the villain of this piece.

I could understand it if she had heard both sides and made up her own mind. But to only hear my sister out? Don't get it.

[slithytove]

My sister has no kids. thank god

[ollieplimsoles]

She is controlling!!! D:

they are really weirdly over- invested in your kids, I hate it when family members get like this because they try to guilt you, which is exactly what your family are doing.

Your mum and sister's relationship really pisses me off. Why is she a 'kept woman' on your parent's money?

[slithytove]

According to my mum she isn't. Her boyfriend covers all the bills.

Mum just bought the house and doesn't charge market rent or any rent and iirc she subsidises their utilities.

Until last year, sister was in uni, so my parents covered everything which they generously did for all of us. Difference is, I graduated, got a job, and became independent (other than a loan) at 21. They continued to subsidise her through 3 separate failures and restarts of uni. One of which was clearly my fault because my daughter died.

Mum isn't over invested in the kids or controlling honestly. It's why the badmouthing has surprised me. I thought we had a decent relationship.

[ollieplimsoles]

Well you can be surprised what people can say behind closed doors really, even family!

[diddl]

What a nasty, poisonous relationship your mum & sister have with each other.

Your mum should be slapping your sister down, not joining in!

It would just be forced civility from me from now on.

Does your mum only have a relationship with you to be able to see your children, do you think?

[slithytove]

I don't believe so diddl, we have always been close, always had a relationship outside of the siblings.

Analysing it, I've always made myself totally available, been more willing to see my parents, put them up, help with doctors/dentists/cars and all that entails/mobile phones/estate agents/online shopping/and much much more.

Brother and sister categorically do not.

So perhaps I have made myself mundane and the other two are very special. Important to see, to talk to, to put first.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

So perhaps I have made myself mundane

Stop blaming yourself for the actions of others.

[ChasedByBees]

This is awful! I would try everything to get another babysitter.

Also, I think it's quite important you raise this or it's going to simmer in you. She's here now, you could just show her the text from your sister and calmly say, 'perhaps you could hear my side?"

You could I this quite calmly, e.g "what did you mean when you said..."

If she's cowardly and two faced it will make her squirm and she deserves to feel bad quite frankly. The fact your sister has even sent you this poisonous text is pretty awful and shows her in a terribly bad light by itself.

[whois]

Yikes Christ on a bike this is terrible!

I think I would have to speak to your mum about it. Calmly. Show her the msg and say you were really upset to see her speak so judgmental you and harshly about you, and pass on private details (counselling) whilst not even being available to hear your side of the story.

And then, never do anything to help your poisonous mother ever again. No doctors appointments "sorry, busy, ask witch sister".

[Mummyfit]

Erm this is odd, what is she using the pics for? I would tell her to stop taking photos of the children and also tell her you don't expect them to be printed as she has no written model release from you as their guardian - but I am a bit petty :)
I am a photographer and as a professional photographer I only bring my camera for social events if I've had permission and I send all the mums a link to dropbox so they can download images of their children full res.
I don't understand her logic behind it all. Surely she would want you to have the pictures I do a photobook every year of my kids for the grandparents something like that would be lovely of her to do but nothing and refusing to let you have images of your own kids is really wierd imo! x x

[slithytove]

She leaves in 2 hours. Currently out at the airport. Not sure I can face it.

I have to drive her to her next destination so I might try and raise it then.

[AlpacaPicnic]

Omg, I'm actually itching to slap your sister so hard - how dare she use the loss of your baby to make it all about her.
Another offer of babysitting here - or could you speak to your friend who is having the wedding, see if the babies could go with you?

The trouble with being misrepresented is that the person defending themselves from it, is the one who looks unreasonable. and the more you try to defend yourself, the more defensive (and by default unreasonable) you look.

[ollieplimsoles]

Just get her out of there.

You really need to bring it up the messages because their relationship is damaging to you.

Your mum doesn't want to get involved with your relationship with your sister but she must see how what has happened is in some way her fault?

And its time your sister grew up and realised actions have consequences. She cant flap every time you try and confront her about some stupid shit she has done. I hate that passive aggressive bullshit, we get it all the time from MIL...

[Mummyfit]

POsted before reading the full thread, oh my god what a poisinous family you have, I don't care what your mums motives are if she is just going a long to placate your sister (best case scenario) she should stay out of it or give her a proper talking too. Please tell her what you know.
I personally would write a letter to each of them so they have it in writing as they clearly are making things up from conversations and over dramatising and I would distance myself from both for now. Let them do the running and be nice. Get a babysitter, sell more things (I know not that easy) I' tempted to come and look after them myself I would not have someone who will talk about me in that way behind my back looking after my kids unsupervised. She has broken the trust and although cutting off contact would be a bit mean allowing her alone time with the kids after you have evidence of her slagging you off is another matter. You can't trust her not to invite your sister round you can't trust her not to say anything derogatory about you. Your sister is a loon and you need to be the one who doesn't panda to her big hugs I was almost in tears reading this x x x

[SidneyBristow]

agree with Bees wholeheartedly. Put this mess directly in your mum's lap where it belongs. Tell her she knows where to reach you when she's ready to explain her two-faced ness. your husband will have to stay with the kids while you're at your friend's wedding. It's time to stop putting up with this drama, and that means extracting yourself for it since the rest of them seem to thrive on going behind each other's backs. You can't exactly tell her off but then expect her to do you a favor.

This is really awful behavior and I'm so sorry you're caught up in it

[SugarOnTop]

your sis sounds like a narcissist - and your best option with her is to go no contact. Your mother sounds like her enabler - because she plays along with her instead of pulling her upon her crap.

i would say use your mother for the babysitting so you can go to the wedding but after that stop it altogether and go low contact with her. they are toxic and will poison your children the more access they have to them.

i know it hurts to find out that you don't actually have the kind of mother you thought you did for all these years. unfortunately, we can't make people change. you may find that you will go through a grieving process - because it is a death of kind, the idea of the mother and relationship you thought you had is forever gone (if it ever actually existed). It hurts. it hurts like hell. The good thing to come out of this is that you can now see your mother as she really is - and you can take preventative measures to safeguard yourself and your children against her games and toxicity.

i have a very similar dynamic in my family where the older sis is bully and nobody stands up to her because they want a 'peaceful life'. They don't challenge her when she starts but soon as i stand up for myself they jump down my throat. i've told them i'm No Contact with sis, i don't want them sharing anything of me with her and i will only see my family when she's not around (luckily she lives at the bottom end of the country). They don't like it, they've tried the emotional blackmail but i gave them an ultimatum - they either accept my boundaries or i won't be a part of their life.

you need to find your inner bitch to deal with this - you can certainly cut your sis out of your life and remain in low contact with your parents. i would never trust your mother again where the welfare of your children is concerned. she's made it obvious she favours your sister and will walk all over you and stab you in the back in order to humour and protect her 'favourite'.

[gruffaloshmuffalo]

oh my word! Your sister is proper messed up and your mom is enabling her. Poor you!

[slithytove]

Ok. So we talked the whole way there, and a bit more when we got there.

First I brought up the initial situation and gave my side of it.

She insisted I wasn't in the wrong, that I had done the right thing, behaved in the right way, that my sister had overreacted, has form for doing so, and that she needs to resolve her own issues. All lovely to hear.

So I asked why she didn't say that to my sister. Why she agreed that I was volatile and unreasonable etc. She denied it. So I showed her the messages. She went very quiet, started crying, and said its easier to agree with my sister than go against her, that she couldn't face my sisters anger being directed at her, that she didn't mean it, and that that was before she had heard my perspective. That my sister had told her a whole heap of (lies as it turns out) stuff I'd said and done. She said its a balancing act to keep both of us happy

She says she is very sorry. Will never talk about me and my family to my sister, etc.
I'm not going to trust her again, and I'm certainly going to take a step back, but I am going to forgive her. I know my mum and she never means wrong or harm. And I love and like her. I'm just pissed off at this. And she won't forget it, she saw how hurt I was. I explained that she should have listened to my side before agreeing with my sisters.

I've found it very difficult as I've worked hard to overcome major anxiety, which in the past has left me labelled as controlling or volatile by my family. To know they were still doing it despite all my efforts really hurt, and I think seeing that has upset my mum. She knows she has fucked up.

She really isn't a game player. This will sound harsh but she isn't smart enough. She is quite easily confused and makes mistakes. A big one this time.

More importantly, she seems now to support my taking a step back from my sister until she addresses her own issues.

Can't believe this became such a big thing! I'm glad I spoke to mum about it and cleared the air, as I was stewing. And I'm glad I know that she can't be trusted and that she knows my sister can't be trusted. Pretty sure my brother is her favourite btw

One day, when this is over, and the situation occurs, I will say how upsetting I find it that I have to face my sisters grief over my daughter. It's unfair.