Who is BU over photos of kids?

[slithytove]

My sister takes a lot of photos of my kids, proper ones on film.

I asked her today if I could copy her negatives so I could have the photos too.

She said no, they were her property and special to her and she didn't just want to share them.

All true and fair I guess, but I feel a bit sad actually that there are pics I can't own (some have me in) or potentially even see. Some of these are photos I've asked her to take when my camera (digital) has been out of use.

My really petty side wants to prevent her taking photos of me and my children if she isn't willing to let me pay for a copy of the pics.

I feel a bit shit, who is bu?

I would drop trying to get the previous photos because you are on a no brainer there I think.

However, if you just carry on regardless but at family dos I would ask her not to keep taking photos of your DCs because she wants to keep them all to herself and not share them and your DCs are more than just a photographic study project.

She does sound the sort of person who goes apeshit when someone disagrees with her and that is so wearing. I used to know someone like that (not family) and it was exhausting. I had to agree with her on absolutely everything and any faint disagreement resulted in a meltdown. Needless to say, we aren't friends any more.

I gave up on getting any photos when she told me I hated her, in the initial argument. My idea to move forward was just to not have any more photos - though I would have shared mine with her. It is this idea which is still giving my sister upset. She can't see or have a relationship with my children without taking pictures.

I have no idea how to approach family events. The next one is end of July, and it will cause right ructions if I make a point of saying no pictures. I'll have to just subtly be busy at photo time, or need to change a nappy. DH will help I'm sure.

There is something I'm concerned about though. I'm away at the end of August and my mum is looking after the kids at my house. Very worried that they will use this as an opportunity to a) bring my sister over and b) let her fill her boots with photography. And I'm not much of a fan of certain people being invited to my house without me there anyway (sister smokes and is disrespectful about this around my kids). It's a bloody minefield when family relationships go wrong.

It sounds like she has some mental health problems, and frankly it sounds like she is not fit to work, and your parents knows this, which is why they are paying her upkeep.

You need to have a frank discussion with your parents about her, so you know what to do going forward.

In your shoes I would not make a point about photos on the next family event, but ensure you and your dh takes the photos you want. Dont ask her to share any. Then, dont ask her around to yours, and ensure photography is banned if it is just immediate family.

Do ensure your children are adequately dressed, as you dont know where the pictures eventually end up!

As usual, all good advice, thanks Quint. I certainly don't want a scene or a row, and won't be causing one.

I'm sure when mum or grandad has the kids she will be swooping in for a pic, and I'll keep my mouth shut. Not sure how I will feel if she has the balls to ask me and kids to pose for a picture though!

If she does ask you to pose how about saying "Sure, post me a picture in return, and it is a done deal"

Have you ever discussed 'the elephant in the room' with your parents? Because, although the photo situation is dominating your concerns, it seems to me, from what you have posted, that it is symptomatic of some deeper problem. In that respect, it is a potential red-herring, diverting you away from resolving things.
If there is an issue around her mental health, is it possible that your parents are actually more aware of this than you realise?

Probably not very helpful but I'd be inclined to teach dc to pull horrible faces if she gets her camera out when you're not there. You can try anyway. Not ideal but is a back up plan

Bit young but I will try that dragons!

Spring, I haven't mentioned it. My mum in particular can't handle any perceived criticism of my siblings and she would take an accusation of poor mental health as a huge criticism.

My brother has adhd and to her it's a massive excuse for anything nasty he chooses to do. He was recently diagnosed with depression and that's going the same way.

Hard to tell if it's mental health problems, deep emotional issues or just plain nastiness. But she is def being bat shit crazy about all this.

Doesn't sound like you have that great a relationship with your mum either, is it worth going to the family event if it's going to cause angst?

Nah me and my mum are great, she is just sensitive about my siblings, and gets upset at any damage to our sibling relationship.

Family event I wouldn't miss, it's my grandads 85th birthday, and out of the grandkids, I see him the most and he loves my children too, so wouldn't want them or him to miss out. If my sister chooses to play up I won't rise to it. She isn't the most important one there. Though I suspect she would disagree!

Incidentally (and sorry this is just getting ridiculous now) tonight at the kids bedtime I received these messages (therefore only read them much later):

"Slithy, what on earth can I do to end this?
What on earth have I done that is so bad that you don't want me in your life, or the kids???? Really??!
This is so out of proportion
PLEASE"

I've not replied. But the dramatics are so out of proportion to what I've said (e.g let's have no photos since we can't agree, and I need time to process what she has said, and I want to keep my distance while she has these issues thinking I hate her). I just cannot be arsed with this. It's like she has nothing better to do, or thrives on the drama.

feel a bit sorry for her boyfriend actually

"Thrives on the drama" is right. You're right not to pander to it.

It sounds as if she's panicking now!

Because she doesn't want to lose you or because there is an event coming up that she wants to photograph??!!

What has she done that's so bad???

Er told you to fuck off??

So there's no "sorry" on th horizon?

No hint of the word sorry, or offer of previously taken photos.

It's not just the fuck off, I can handle that, it's the fact she believes I hate her and that if we argue, her default response is "you aren't proving you love me" etc. It's a big thing, to declare someone hates you and always has and will.

Thought this might make some of you smile.

Today on FB she announced that she has a market stall this weekend. Where she will be selling...wait for it... HER PHOTOS!!

Those photos that are so precious and over shared and are to be kept private.

Made me laugh anyway

Fuck me! She's a prize loon. Definitely visit the stall to buy photos of your children support her new venture.

Just finished reading the full thread, a few posts in i was convinced that she is 'saving' the photos to unveil at her 'grand opening exhibition' as original prints and she intends to use them to make money.....and your last update just proved that!

your sister has mental health issues for definite, she is also a spoilt, self centred, bad mannered brat with a superiority complex - and your mum is enabling her by not calling her up on her atrocious behaviour. she has no interest in building a relationship with your children - they are just a means to an end for her, i.e cute subjects for her budding photography business. If you don't trust your mother to keep her out of your house and away from your children when you're not there then i would be arranging alternative child care. Nobody is going to stand up for you or your children except you and your dh - so decide whether you want to stay quiet and be used and abused by her for ever or if you're going to take a stand and see it through despite family objections.

She knows she is in the wrong, but she obviously feels it is beneath her to apologise to anyone. She also knows she's been caught out in her games and is now fighting desperatly to portary herself as the hard done by victim in all this - hence the hatered and dramatics. she will very loudly proclaim herself the victim to anybody who listens - because if YOU are the bad guy then that means she cannot be in the wrong for anything.

she sounds very much like my older sis who i'm convinced has NPD. We went on a once-only family holiday to the country of our birth in 2000 and she hogged the video cam the whole time there. Nobody else was allowed to touch it. When we got back she said she would transfer the film onto dvd for us - it took her 4 years during which time she refused to let anybody sort it out. once done she gave my mum the dvd (rest of kids lived with my mum) on a disc that couldn't be 'copied'. i asked her time and time again for a copy and she would get stroppy, snappy, rude and downright obnoxious. It was all a power trip for her, being in control of something i really wanted. I gave up asking and finally she gave me a copy - A DECADE LATER and only when she wanted a favour from me!

It sounds like your sister has resented you for a very long time, and anything you have that she hasn't (whether she wants it or not) is - in her eyes - just another example of how 'unfair' life is to her and so she will pull sneaky underhand shit like this to 'get back' at you, undermine you and 'put you back in your place'. She can only feel good about herself by treating you like a doormat.

i would go along and check out whether any of the pictures she is selling are of your children - if they are i would be reporting her if not suing her - she may own the prints but she cannot sell images of your children without your permission. i also wouldn't care about what the rest of the family think - i would ban her from taking any more pics of your dc and if anyone says anything - tell them straight that you will not allow your dc to be exploited in such a manner. If she wants to take pics - then she has to send you copies of them ALL asap (not just the poor quality ones to fob you off) and any money she makes from selling pics of your dc -well it's only fair the dc 'modelling' fee goes into their account!

the sheer thick skinned nerve of some people!

"she may own the prints but she cannot sell images of your children without your permission."

Speaking as a professional photographer of more years than I care to say, I can say that this is categorically, absolutely false. Ignoring the wider family circumstances the SIL owns these photographs. The OP has no right to obtain, view or share in any money from them regardless if they contain images of her, her kids or anyone else.

I do wish people wouldn't be so strident about things they plainly don't have the first clue about.

I hope she isn't selling photos of your children!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow sugar your post is amazing I wish I had a like button! It's also really made me smile so thank you for that.

Tbh I don't care any more. She currently isn't in my life and I'm ok with that. I'm not going to waste my time proving I don't hate her. Nor do I care about what she might be selling at this point. She is bonkers.

Although... That family party I was talking about is on Monday... So who knows what will happen!

I'm sorry to ask, but is there any chance she would sell the photo of you and DS as a very young baby? I think you would care very much if a random stranger were to buy that photo and you haven't even seen it

Although not sure why the hell anyone would buy professional pictures of other people they don't know but there we go

I have no idea actually. I don't know her at all, least I feel I don't.

After she made such a fuss over her photos of people, I imagine she is only selling her 'arty' photos of bricks and stuff. I have no way to find out though.

I've never even seen the ones of me and DS so don't even know what they look like. Doubt I look good!

Not to worry though, from what I've seen of her photos they are far from professional! I'm quite tempted to post one so you can see what I mean.

Just read this. Not much too add other than your sister is utterly bananas!!!

I feel the thread is prettttty specific so some of her diabolically bad photos wouldn't be the thing that outs you...

Also please update us after the party!

Please post one! I'd love to see what the fuss is about with her bloody photos!

I can't see her selling your family photos, who would buy photos of a total stranger and their kids? It would be very bizarre.

I'm glad you aren't bothering with her. She clearly thrives on the drama of nothing. Don't pander to it. It's not like your children are missing out on fab auntie X are they.