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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU over photos of kids?

359 replies

slithytove · 21/04/2015 15:58

My sister takes a lot of photos of my kids, proper ones on film.

I asked her today if I could copy her negatives so I could have the photos too.

She said no, they were her property and special to her and she didn't just want to share them.

All true and fair I guess, but I feel a bit sad actually that there are pics I can't own (some have me in) or potentially even see. Some of these are photos I've asked her to take when my camera (digital) has been out of use.

My really petty side wants to prevent her taking photos of me and my children if she isn't willing to let me pay for a copy of the pics.

I feel a bit shit, who is bu?

OP posts:
MonstrousRatbag · 29/06/2015 00:41

People can't always use photos of others however they like, irrespective of who owns the copyright. The law on misuse of private information and the Data Protection Act 1998 both give legal means to prevent someone using images of you, albeit not in all circumstances.

Aridane · 29/06/2015 05:50

Yes - but sister hasn't been 'using' / selling pictures - just 'hoarding'.

Original poster
slithytove · 29/06/2015 07:52

Where is my weird behaviour winter? Asking my sister for the (copied) negatives of photos she took on a day at my house during which I had asked her to take specific ones?

If she had said yes, which many posters would have, we wouldn't be here now.

OP posts:
NobodyLivesHere · 29/06/2015 08:21

Because she doesn't want to is the ultimate answer. She doesn't want to give them to you, which I find a little odd, but I also find your need to have them a little odd. It just seems to be a huge issue over something really not that important.

diddl · 29/06/2015 08:36

Have you contacted her again OP, with regards to copies of the pics you asked her to take & some selected ones of you with your son as a newborn?

FragileBrittleStar · 29/06/2015 08:47

Your sisters attitude is really odd re the photos (i don't think her attitude re her upbringing is that odd though- its consistent with her political opinions).
I do think your attitude to photos is odd too though. I have loads of photos of family/friends which they have never seen- i would show them if they were really good/really special - or if asked but not as a matter of course - eqaully i wouldn't expect it in reverse . it is very controlling.
we used to do family calendars evry year and it was good to see photos you hadn't seen appear (although they tended to be embarrasing ones)

Original poster
slithytove · 29/06/2015 09:15

Fragile - not to be argumentative, but it's not like she rejected the house my parents bought her! She is also out of work and refusing to go on the dole as there are people in greater need of it. But she expects my parents to cover her bills and expenses as they did when she was at uni.

All the while criticising them for having more than one home, among a few other things. The last thing my sister is is consistent.

Why am I controlling for wanting something? It's not like I'm getting it.

Nobody - part of my "need to have them" is the fact that I have NO photos of me with DS in his first few months, and the day in question when all this occurred, I had asked her to take several photos which I specifically wanted. Had she said I wouldn't be getting them, had she been honest, I would have asked my mum to take them instead.

Diddl - I haven't contacted her yet, feel very cross and confused still!

OP posts:
mindthegap79 · 29/06/2015 09:18

Is there a back story? She's a loon. YANBU. Don't let her take any more.

Original poster
slithytove · 29/06/2015 10:16

No backstory. I do and have historically found her difficult. I find her political leanings alien, her inconsistencies annoying, and her treatment of anyone with money including me and my parents upsetting. But this is another layer of weirdness I just don't understand.

OP posts:
Original poster
slithytove · 30/06/2015 19:14

So I contacted sister to say it wasn't just about the photos, that a lot of stuff had been said and I needed to process it all, and that I was concerned she wanted to use my kids as a photography subject rather than build a relationship with them.

Anyway she went off into a massive rant at me, referencing things I hadnt said, and generally being completely nutty. Saying again I hated her and didn't want her to know the kids, that I would ban her from seeing them. That no matter how many times she visited me it would never be enough because I just want to find a problem with her. Telling me I'm stealing her family and her memories from her. That I want her to be a paid photographer for my family. Hmm

She also doesn't see why her just sharing the photos going forward won't solve the entire problem. She seems to not want to visit if she can't take photos.

Honestly, it's just not me, I'm pretty simple and normal (other than my weird urge to have copies of photos I'm or the kids are the subject of). But she clearly has some big problems with our relationship and I don't have the time or inclination to deal with it. I have other pretty major shit going on right now.

Anyway, I'm going to leave it there with her if she allows it, will see what happens next time I'm due to see her at a family event.

Thanks all for responses and advice. Can't believe this all came about from me asking for photos I'd asked her to take.

OP posts:
Original poster
slithytove · 30/06/2015 19:19

She told me I've always hated her. I don't take that lightly, what an awful thing to say. She thinks the onus is now on me to prove I love her.

I don't have the bloody time for this. I'm not bothering with an adult sister who has decided I've always hated her because I asked for fucking photos.

OP posts:
AlpacaPicnic · 30/06/2015 19:25

Oh Slithy... I don't know what to say.
I think you may be better off just stepping back for a while and having some distance. Enjoy your little children while you can, and while they are little. And take lots of photos!

DoreenLethal · 30/06/2015 19:29

No don't bother with her. Her loss!

Original poster
slithytove · 30/06/2015 19:34

She has just face timed me 5 times (I'm putting the kids to bed theoretically, they are running rings around me) and I missed them. She then messaged

"I would never do this to you

Fuck you

Fuck off

Fuck off

Fuck off
Stupid cow"

Guess that's that.

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 30/06/2015 20:06

She has serious mental health problems and I'd be showing that message to your mother if you get any grief for 'not trying harder' with her.

DoJo · 30/06/2015 20:07

She sounds like she has been harbouring some kind of grudge or 'issue' with you for years, and that the whole photo issue has just brought it to the fore because she couldn't bring herself to do something nice for you. If you genuinely have no idea what her problem is (and it sounds like you don't) then I think all you can do is leave her alone and see if she cools down and is able to articulate her problem with you effectively.

Are your parents aware that all this is going on? Do they have any ideas what has upset her so much? I can understand if you don't want to drag them into it, but she sounds like the kind of person who would have no qualms about involving a third party if she thought they might agree with her, so it might be worth at least asking them if they know why she's so angry with you.

Original poster
slithytove · 30/06/2015 20:12

she wouldn't tell my dad, might run to my mum but tbh mum won't be interested above "why can't you all get along" upsetness, she probably won't want to talk about it.

Either way I think my sister has certainly shown her true colours, and whatever her passion is for her photograpy, it seems to be more important than building this relationship with my children is. Which is fine by me, just don't be a hypocrite about it and claim I'm standing in the way.

Honestly, I have 2 tiny kids, one is a terrible 2 year old, I'm shattered permanently, I'm facing going back to work imminently, and DH is at risk of losing his job right now. I just do not need this. She is unemployed and living off my parents/her boyfriend, she has all the time in the world to write messages and go on the attack.

I'm so bloody tired of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
slithytove · 30/06/2015 20:15

We had a row/debate some years ago about whether people should own second homes, got quite heated as its personal and she was very offensive about it, but thats by the by. Anyway recollecting it, she churned out this I hate her rubbish then as well.

I can't spend my life persuading her I don't, if she chooses to believe that off the back of a disagreement or even a big argument, surely it's her issue! I just can't face dealing with this right now. Tonight instead of helping my husband or being with my kids still up, the rat bags I'm stressing about this, it just feels unfair.

OP posts:
diddl · 01/07/2015 07:52

Good grief!

I think for your own sake you need to ignore her now!

SpringTown46 · 01/07/2015 13:34

I think you have to let go of the photos argument and not engage anymore. Let both your parents know that you have concerns about her mental health, and say why. She sounds ill.

MonstrousRatbag · 01/07/2015 15:04

Oh no. That is upsetting and strange. Sorry it's come to this.

Keep your distance, let her come to you and explain what this is all about. And if you do have to see her at a family event, don't be pressured into going along with her taking photos of the children!

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 01/07/2015 18:06

I think you are right and distance is the best thing. Would it actually be possible to prove to her that you do love her given that she has reacted like this so far?

Yarp · 01/07/2015 18:08

Seriously, I also think she is in the throes of a mental health problem

Original poster
slithytove · 01/07/2015 19:13

How do you prove love though?

I make an effort to see her, more than she does
I think of her when sharing photos and updates
I choose thoughtful presents and make effort for her special events

But when all is said and done we have separate lives and are different people. If she believes I hate her, I am unwilling to go to the effort required to prove otherwise. I don't even know how, it seems that conflict is akin to hatred in her eyes.

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 01/07/2015 21:35

Exactly, slithy.

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