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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Adult son house key issue

247 replies

Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 09:05

Posted before about issue my DS causes my DH and I, his DSS. So he's finally moved out at the age off 22 but I won't take the key back of him. My DH feels very strongly about him having a key and wants it back saying he doesn't need it - thoughts anyone? It's causing massive problems between us, but I just can't ask for it back it feels so final! Is my DH or I the one being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Hissy · 20/04/2015 07:54

Think long and hard here OP, what are you afraid of?

What do you think would happen if you DID confront him?

Let me assure you that the world would not fall in.

I agree that counselling would really help you through this pathological fear of conflict.

Flowers
shewept · 20/04/2015 07:58

Yes Mary do you not learn anything now you are an adult? I found out this morning that some people don't like weight loss being congratulated. So I will rethink before I comment.

Its about the OP teaching her DS that its not ok to treat her as he does. What is the problem with that? its about redefining boundaries.

OP i had an awful feeling the holiday was going to be 6 months away Grin

You need to get this sorted. personally i would call him.

SoldierBear · 20/04/2015 08:03

You do sound scared of him.
No to texting or any sort of discussion. It's your home.
Change the locks today.

AnyFucker · 20/04/2015 08:14

The more of your threads I read, the more I realise that your Wet Lettuce Approach to this whole situation is really not working

take control of it for God's sake

either demand the key back immediately with the real reasons why or simply change the locks and be done with it

redshoeblueshoe · 20/04/2015 08:17

yy to AF

WoodlandSprite · 20/04/2015 08:17

I think you should do two things:
Ask for the key back
Change the locks

Then he knows that he shouldn't be able to get in. And if he has had a copy made (which is likely, now that you've given him warning of you wanting it back) you can still be certain that he can't get in whilst you are away. And if he does try to get in with a copy then he can't complain you've changed the locks because you have already asked for his key back.

Have you over the years given him more than one key? Is it possible that even if he gives you one back he could "find" one you gave him a couple of years ago but then lost?

Spadequeen · 20/04/2015 08:29

I'm another one who thinks he'll just get a copy. Change your locks, stop facing around and do it.

Ludways · 20/04/2015 08:38

Let him keep the key. I've never had a time in my life when I didn't have my parents house key, even when I lived in the US.

Marynary · 20/04/2015 09:12

Yes Mary do you not learn anything now you are an adult? I found out this morning that some people don't like weight loss being congratulated. So I will rethink before I comment.

Of course I learn things but I take what I want to learn from a situation. I wouldn't appreciate other adults thinking they could give me "life lessons" or teaching me that "actions have consequences". How patronising.

Sometimes I may just decide that the other person is unreasonable (as I did when my own parents didn't give me a key to their house).

isthatmorelego · 20/04/2015 09:20

I've never given key back toy mother's been married 23 years .
Ds1 is 22 still lives at home his girlfriend has key to ours and my mother's as does D's .

shewept · 20/04/2015 09:21

mary that's fine for you.

The OP wants a continuing relationship with her son. Maybe she should just sit back and see if he learns to be respectful on his own while her marriage crumbles. Or she can accept it and he will learn (maybe realise) that it's not ok. By which time both the ops relationship with her dh and ds has fallen apart. But that's you and your opinion.

Its not patronising to put your point forward when someone challenges your opinion. I posted, you had an opinion on it. I replied.

diddl · 20/04/2015 09:23

"Sometimes I may just decide that the other person is unreasonable (as I did when my own parents didn't give me a key to their house)."

Why do you think that you should have a key to your parents house?

(Assuming that you no longer live there?)

Marynary · 20/04/2015 09:37

The OP wants a continuing relationship with her son.

That is where we differ. I think that the best way to have a relationship with an adult is not to fall out with them or act like you are the authority and can teach them "life lessons." Without doubt OP needs to make sure he can't come in and out of the house anymore but she can do that without trying to "teach" him anything e.g. just change the locks not give him a key.

Marynary · 20/04/2015 09:41

diddl I don't think I should have a key and don't want one. I think that my father was unreasonable to not trust me with a key though.

Marynary · 20/04/2015 09:44

Its not patronising to put your point forward when someone challenges your opinion. I posted, you had an opinion on it. I replied.

It is not patronising to put your point forward. It would be patronising to think that by putting your point forward you are teaching people and giving them life lessons though.

Hissy · 20/04/2015 11:09

mary but this 'adult' has taken the royal piss in OP's home. therefore the situation needs addressing.

it is NOT ok to disrespect your mother's home, nor is it OK to leave mess for her to clear up, and actually neither is it OK to NOT return the key when asked.

The OP's wet lettuce stance has created a monster, where a clearly immature and irresponsible 22 yo is calling the shots in her life and her marriage.

I'd suggest that if OP won't/can't address it, then the DH addresses it by calling the DS up and saying that the key needs to come back and the reasons why.

A continuing relationship works 2 ways. OP has a right to pull this guy up on his behaviour/treatment of her as she would any other adult.

My 40-odd year old Ex had some harsh lessons to learn once i realised how much abuse of me he'd got away with. Too damned right I called him out on it and brought him up to speed with a few 'life lessons' He now knows NOT to talk to me like crap, or I will bollock him and end the call. He speaks to me with respect, or not at all.

The OP is raising someone who has no boundaries, this puts him in danger of becoming a narcissist, abuser or common or garden out and out twat. Enough is enough.

She IS the parent here and DOES have authority over what happens in her home. As does the DH.

OurGlass · 20/04/2015 11:11

You should have the key back IMO. I left home @ 16 and have never had a key. Not my home anymore.

diddl · 20/04/2015 11:34

"I think that my father was unreasonable to not trust me with a key though."

Are you sure that he didn't?

Surely some parents just take a key back as a matter of course when "kids" move out?

Marynary · 20/04/2015 11:35

Hissy It wasn't okay to "disrespect" OPS home but he doesn't live there anymore and therefore he will not be able to do it in the future as long as he doesn't have a key to get in. The OP is not "raising someone who has no boundaries" because he is now an independent adult. The time for "life lessons" has passed as the OP no longer has any authority. You may think that by falling out with another adult you are "teaching them" and giving them "life lessons" but the chances are they just think you are an arse. Falling out with people does not generally aid good relationships.

Marynary · 20/04/2015 11:37

*"I think that my father was unreasonable to not trust me with a key though."

Are you sure that he didn't?

Yes, he told me that he didn't want anyone to have a key in case they lost them.

AmateurSeamstress · 20/04/2015 12:21

OP, just taking it back to your original post, you said:
"... I won't take the key back of him. My DH feels very strongly about him having a key and wants it back saying he doesn't need it - thoughts anyone? It's causing massive problems between us, but I just can't ask for it back it feels so final! Is my DH or I the one being unreasonable?"

In this you are clearly wanting your son to still have a key. 9 pages later have you changed your mind on this? I know you said you'd email him to ask for it back, but this is a bit a half hearted solution because it gives him plenty of time to make himself a copy.

So, if you really want him to have a key still, and just feel browbeaten into attempting to take it back, then you need to do some serious work on your marriage. If you both want DS's key off him and the only blocker is that you are scared of DS's reaction, that is less worrying in terms of your marriage, and if I were your husband I'd appreciate knowing that.

By the way, taking the key back or changing the locks is not necessarily final. Some people do an awful lot of growing up in their 20s. Moving out might be the making of him, and in a few years he might be a different, much more responsible person. You might give him a key for him to catsit or something, and never bother to have it returned. But right now, your DH has made a reasonable request. Where house security is concerned, we tend to work on a failsafe system. If DH wanted all the windows locked and I wasn't bothered, we'd lock them to satisfy DH as the more nervous one. If I wanted us always to use the door chain after dark, DH would respect this and use it too, even if he thought I was being daft. How would you feel if your DH gave a door key to someone you'd learned not to trust, and refused to take it back? Would you be happy if he emailed for it back, knowing this would give time for that person to make a copy? Good luck with sorting it out.

Callaird · 20/04/2015 13:18

I left 'home' at 17 and now only go back 4-5 times a year to visit. I live 75 miles away, never had a key. If I visit for a weekend, I have to knock to get back in!

My 6 years younger brother left home at 28, lives right round the corner, visits 2-3 times a week for 30 minutes or lunch, has always had a key.

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 29/04/2015 20:26

Ok so I have they key back. I invited my DS for dinner but he declined and just put it through the letterbox. I feel like such a cow :-(( and a terrible mum, like I've abandoned him - I know he's 22 but that's how I feel....

OP posts:
shewept · 29/04/2015 20:31

Seriously Op. In the nicest possible way...get a grip.

Did he care when he trashed your house, blew the electrics or left the door open all day. Has he once considered that he is a terrible son?

You are playing right into his hands. Did he ever explain the emergency situation in which he would need your key?

Simple fact is that you and your Dh don't trust him, with good reason.

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 29/04/2015 20:40

I know your right shewept. I guess now I'm thinking was it that bad, but at times it was. He said when he lived with me he had a key to his Dad's so didn't understand why it doesnt work in reverse. His dad has lower standards and I don't think he has ever left doors wide open all day like at mine.

OP posts: