AIBU - Adult son house key issue

[Feelinghelpless2]

Posted before about issue my DS causes my DH and I, his DSS. So he's finally moved out at the age off 22 but I won't take the key back of him. My DH feels very strongly about him having a key and wants it back saying he doesn't need it - thoughts anyone? It's causing massive problems between us, but I just can't ask for it back it feels so final! Is my DH or I the one being unreasonable?

And all the comments from PPs about how they had/have keys count for nothing because they respected their parents' houses so the parents had no need to get their keys back.

I don't think it is OP's job to give him a "wake up call". He is an adult and has moved out. She just needs to change the locks and not give him a key as he doesn't need one and leave it at that.

Hopefully DS will grow up a bit soon once real life bites him on the bum. I did see your other threads. He has been acting like a rude, manipulative, moody, spoilt teenager towards you - I'm absolutely sure he doesn't treat other people that way! The power struggle between DS and DH must have been horrendous for you. So now you are going to take decisive action and they both need to step up too.

DH knows that changing the locks to keep your DS out will go against every grain of your being - you are doing that for him and your relationship because you love him, so he needs to show you love back and say, ok, if you do this for me, for us, then, for you and for us, I will draw a line under what's gone on with DS. Then you will need to focus on the two relationships individually and not try to talk about them and defend them etc. In time hopefully the relationship will rebuild between DH and DS but you need to rebuild your individual relationships first and whilst doing that you need to not bring DS up in conversation to DH and vice versa for a while and let the dust settle.

I came on this thread ready to say YANBU (I still have a house key to my parents aged 34 even tho I live 200 miles away and would be disappointed if they asked for it back), but having read the update where you said your son left the door open all day (!) I now side with your DH and think YABU and should ask for your key back from your son as he is not taking care of your property. Who knows whether he would even have the maturity to help you out in an emergency anyway? You can tell him you will give it back when he becomes a bit more grown-up.

I would simply change the locks and not mention it to him.

There is no possible emergency that could arise in which his access to the house would be the sole solution.Try as you might neither you nor he will never come up with such a scenario.

Go on your own experiences with him and take no notice of what other people think of any action you might take. Its not their homes that stand to be wrecked due to his disrespect.

Support your partner in this and allow your DS to start to grow up and live his own life apart from you. In a few years, when he has hopefully settled down, ask for a key to his house and see how far that will get you.

Come on now OP. Stop being such a sop and woman up and ask for the key back. Why would you need to make up a story?

Tell him straight, he left the door open all day the last time, breaks the fuses and leaves the place a mess.

He asks what to do in an emergency? Fire a few questions back at him, what emergency can an adult 22 year old have that having a key to your house will sort?

Do what all adults do in emergencies, sort it out himself. Tell him he would have had a key if he hadn't behaved like a child leaving the house unsecured and causing damage and mess. Stop being so wet.

He won't grow up unless you grow a backbone.

I'd be inclined to change the locks myself.

When my son moved out - well more when we told him to move out ! - we got his key back. As we knew he could not be trusted in the house when we were not there...

Now its five years on, and he is going to be house sitting for us while we are on holidays. And I am happy to be able to give him his keys back.

In time you will, hopefully, rebuild your trust with your son, and then you can give him a key to your home for emergencies etc. Just like all the people who are commenting that they still have keys to their parents homes.

A friend of mine used the excuse of getting a new front door complete with new lock ... it seemed less passive aggressive and obvious than just changing the locks. She had taken over her pil's house and all her in-laws had keys and full access. Different situation but I think it was a good solution.

Marynary why have the expense and hassle of changing the locks when he could be told to return his key because he doesn't respect other people's property and he can't be trusted to have open access to the house.

I think changing the locks has more potential to cause a huge rift.

Thanks Slanleat, how old was your DS and how did he react? Was the trust due to security issues? It's good to hear there's a positive ending for you and I'm keen to cause less conflict which I like the make a story up approach.

Marynary why have the expense and hassle of changing the locks when he could be told to return his key because he doesn't respect other people's property and he can't be trusted to have open access to the house.

Personally, I would do it because I bet he already has a spare cut. It's really not expensive and is fairly simple anyway.
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I presume that by emergency he means that someone should have a spare key in case you lock yourself out? I have keys to some of my neighbours' houses for that reason but no key to my parents house as they live 100s of miles away so there would be no point.

Why change the locks? Because the DS may well have made a copy, particularly now he knows the DH wants his key back.

But it's all irrelevant anyway because the OP won't stand up to the DS anyway. Based on past form.

Marynary why have the expense and hassle of changing the locks when he could be told to return his key because he doesn't respect other people's property and he can't be trusted to have open access to the house.

Because as someone else has said, he may have had spares cut and possibly lost them if he is that irresponsible. It won't cause a huge rift if OP just thinks of an excuse for getting the locks changed. It isn't worth having an argument about him not being trustworthy etc.

I want the least conflict as possible - I know it's the cowards approach

The trouble is, if you make up a story you know he will argue you out of it. Think about it, what story could you possibly make up that he couldn't answer just by suggesting you get another key cut? "We need the key back because we've lost one of ours": Oh, no problem, Mum, I'll get you a copy. "We need the key back because the neighbour is watering the plants/feeding the cat/letting in the plumber": Why don't you just get a copy, Mum, you obviously need a spare anyway?

When dads now wife moved herself in the first thing she did was change all the locks.

No one told me and sis we took our brother out for the day (lives in residential care as severe LD) and he wanted to pick up some things from 'home' and we couldn't get in major meltdown... She then redecorated every single room in the house and removed every single photo she wasn't in. We are no longer welcolme there anymore.

If he's responsible let him keep the key

I don't have a key to my parent's house and they don't have a key to mine. For extended periods of visiting (in our opinions that's a visit of more than 2 days) we lend a key to each other but it's handed back at the end of the visit.

I say take the key back but say that it's there again if it's actually needed.

*We need the key back because we've lost one of ours

My parents just said that they had had the locks changed as keys had gone missing and they didn't know whether they were lost or stolen so for peace of mind they had locks changed. If he argues that he needs a new key OP just needs to point that there is no need for him to have one.

We need the key back because we've lost one of ours

My parents just said that they had had the locks changed as keys had gone missing and they didn't know whether they were lost or stolen so for peace of mind they had locks changed. If he argues that he needs a new key OP just needs to point that there is no need for him to have one.

Don't make up a story. The more convoluted the lie the easier it is for him to find a loophole.

And if you do ask for his key back, make sure you get it off him before he leaves your home. No point ringing him and saying you'll need his key back next time you see him, because whether he gets a spare cut or not, you'll never feel certain he hasn't and your DH won't get that feeling of security that, really, is the point of all this.

Actually the fact you've already tried once might mean that ship has sailed and the only option that will really bring security is to change the locks.

If he gives the key back now after he first refused, would you trust that he hasn't already had a copy cut??

You should have told him the reason that you wanted it back(if he really didn't know).

I'd change locks to be safe tbh.

I don't think it's a big issue. But he doesn't need a key to your house and now he has moved out into a flat he should tell you when he intends to visit. I don't think this applies to students as your house is usually still their family home.

Your son treats you like dirt and your husband is seriously talking about leaving you over this. What conflict exactly are you trying to avoid? It's already here.

Seen update. Change the lock if you cant get key back. Your dh is right. Hope you ok. You sound abit scared of your ds xxx

Marynary why have the expense and hassle of changing the locks when he could be told to return his key because he doesn't respect other people's property and he can't be trusted to have open access to the house. I think changing the locks has more potential to cause a huge rift.

Because this man's previous actions shows he does not respect his DMs house and therefore it is entirely possible he will have sneakily got himself another set cut.

This man is untrustworthy and manipulates his DM. By having a party, leaving the door open, blowing the fuses etc he has caused any rift that exists, not OP who has to protect her home against him. She's already posted about her DS manages to make her feel guilty but who interestingly enough feels no guilt himself about the damage he causes.

And changing the locks isn't a hassle - it's a simple task that takes about 10 minutes and solves the problem without any further stressful conversations with DS, who undoubtedly will try to make his DM feel bad about the fact she and her DH hate what he is doing to their home