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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - Adult son house key issue

247 replies

Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 09:05

Posted before about issue my DS causes my DH and I, his DSS. So he's finally moved out at the age off 22 but I won't take the key back of him. My DH feels very strongly about him having a key and wants it back saying he doesn't need it - thoughts anyone? It's causing massive problems between us, but I just can't ask for it back it feels so final! Is my DH or I the one being unreasonable?

OP posts:

shewept · 29/04/2015 20:57

Well that's your answer to him. He hasn't behaved that way at your house not his dads.

Original poster

Feelinghelpless2 · 29/04/2015 21:59

No true, I think his Dad would just put up with it anyway. He's much more easy come, easy go...

OP posts:

MillionToOneChances · 29/04/2015 23:32

Don't forget to change the locks, too.

AmateurSeamstress · 29/04/2015 23:39

Well done OP, you haven't abandoned him, you are still his mum and always will be. A key makes bog all difference to that.

Lymmmummy · 29/04/2015 23:42

Not sure what the circumstances that led to this are - if DS has been taking advantage by having parties or other bad behaviour and has sort of been thrown out /asked to leave then yes I would agree that he should give his keys back or if you are seriously concerned change the locks

In a normal situation where an adult child leaves home under amicable terms then obviously it's normal that they keep a key but perhaps this situation is different? Not giving him a key to your home doesn't mean he can't visit you it just means he has to ring the door bell or drop you a text to check you are in - like I say no sure of what's led to this so very much depends

Summerisle1 · 29/04/2015 23:42

Ok so I have they key back. I invited my DS for dinner but he declined and just put it through the letterbox

Probably after he had a copy made. To be honest, if your DH feels so strongly about your DS not having easy access to your house then you need to change the locks.

Andrewofgg · 29/04/2015 23:46

You back down. He's an adult, he's moved out. Nobody should have a key to your home unless you both agree.

AmateurSeamstress · 29/04/2015 23:54

Lymmummy reading the thread would fill in those blanks for you :)

diddl · 30/04/2015 07:33

Oh good grief OP, he really knows how to play you, doesn't he?

Has he got somewhere to live?-yes!

Is he welcome to come & see you whenever he wants?-yes!

Does he need a key to your place?-no!

Has he shown himself to be respectful of your property?-no!

shewept · 30/04/2015 07:42

Seriously OP, I can't see how you could have done anymore.

But I would have the locks changed and/ or an interns chain. Your son has issues about controlling you and your dh. I would say there is a 95% chance he has had a key cut.

Can you imagine the fall out if you get back and he has been in your house?

redshoeblueshoe · 30/04/2015 07:47

aren't you due to go on holiday now. Its taken 9 days to get the back - I'm going to use all my psychic abilities here and suggest that there will be one massive party at yours, your house will be trashed - and you will still defend him.

Your DH has my upmost sympathy. He is 22 and he is playing you.

2rebecca · 30/04/2015 07:57

I wouldn't get the locks changed.

diddl · 30/04/2015 08:07

Why not, 2rebecca?

Do you think that the son can be trusted?

Well, it doesn't really matter as he has given his key back.

So if the locks are changed, he won't know as he has given his key back...

redshoeblueshoe · 30/04/2015 08:10

Rebecca have you read the full thread ? He has taken the piss, it is destroying her marriage. He knows how to push all her buttons. He is not a naughty little boy, he is a grown man with no respect for the OP, her home or her relationship. He has already trashed the house, left the door open all day - so if the house gets robbed that would invalidate the insurance. He has poor mummy wrapped around his little finger.

OP - what does your DH think now ? Have you changed the locks ? Are you prepared to loose your DH over this ? What will be the consequences if he moves back in whilst you are away ? I imagine - none for your son, but for you ? ? ?

Moreisnnogedag · 30/04/2015 08:33

I posted on your previous threads. Lordy I've never known anyone faff around so much. Change the locks fgs even if it's just to save your son from himself. At least that way if he has had a key cut, your dh will never know about it.

He's 22, a grown assed adult who's acting like a petulant child. Won't come round for dinner because he's been asked for his key? That makes him a drama llama. Hopefully he'll grow up soon but at least your relationship with your dh won't end.

anon33 · 30/04/2015 08:48

OP I remember your many threads. In your shoes I would be getting rid of the husband. It seems there are so many issues and your son is the scapegoat. In a previous post you said your husband was with holding sex and affection because of your son! He clearly wants shot of him.

Regarding the key issue, if it is entirely because your son is irresponsible then YANU. However, a big part of me thinks your husband wants to eliminate your son from your life (judging from your previous posts)

I never had a key to my dad's house, which for me just reinforced the fact that I was a guest there, rather than it being my home for half of the week.

2rebecca · 30/04/2015 09:06

None of the OP's posts suggest deliberate destruction. I've accidentally left our door open for the day before, shorting the fuses sometimes happens. Yes he has been messy and had parties which is a reason to get the key back. He hasn't stolen stuff though or deliberately trashed the house.
Changing locks is a fangle and some types of locks can be expensive to change and I really don't see the need to do so at the moment.
This is the OP's son not a violent exboyfriend.
He's 22 and a bit messy and thoughtless.
She has the key back wait and see how things go.

2rebecca · 30/04/2015 09:10

Yes I have read the full thread and some people seem to be reading more into the thread than is actually here. It may be it's stuff from other threads but from this thread he doesn't sound like a psychomonster, just a messy thoughtless young man.

shewept · 30/04/2015 15:17

Yes it's from other threads.

MonstrousRatbag · 30/04/2015 15:22

You need to change the locks before you go away. There is a very good chance your DS has given the key back only because he's made a copy.

SuperFlyHigh · 30/04/2015 15:31

I would actually review this in say a year or so - provided your son proves he can respect your house. As others say you never know when your son may be needed to look after the house etc.

My brother has had keys taken off him - not because of trust but because he has a habit of losing them and then new ones cost a lot to get cut.

The above way is a compromise and gives your son a chance whilst respecting your DH too.

SuperFlyHigh · 30/04/2015 15:32

2rebecca - exactly that's why I said to review and give a chance.

if he was stealing, letting unsuitable people in (some friends of a friend of mine robbed her house nicking the TV amongst other things!) then I'd say never ever would he have keys.

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