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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Adult son house key issue

247 replies

Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 09:05

Posted before about issue my DS causes my DH and I, his DSS. So he's finally moved out at the age off 22 but I won't take the key back of him. My DH feels very strongly about him having a key and wants it back saying he doesn't need it - thoughts anyone? It's causing massive problems between us, but I just can't ask for it back it feels so final! Is my DH or I the one being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 18:32

Hi Feck, yes very tough, thanks for your kind words. I've shed so many tears too.

OP posts:
Ineedtimeoff · 19/04/2015 18:49

I was one of those teens who left doors and windows open, had a party, raided the fridge, was rude to my parents, well, was a wee shit really. Left home at 19 with a key to the house. Knowing that there was always a place for me to go home to, and that I would always be welcome, allowed me to go out into the world and have adventures and scrapes which lead me eventually to go back to uni and settle down.

In fact, it did more than that. I would go as far to say that it saved my mental health many a time.

Unless I've missed something terrible (who didn't have parties when their parents were out, I thought it was a right of passage??) and I don't think I've seen anything that bad, why would you want to close the door to him?

diddl · 19/04/2015 19:14

How is them not having a key when they are living elsewhere closing the door to him?

He doesn't need to be able to get in when OP isn't there!

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 19:24

Quite simply put Diddl thank you. That's what I think my DS doesn't understand. There's no reason for him to come in, unless I'm here.

OP posts:
Aprilday · 19/04/2015 19:48

How about trying this idea: no one needs a spare key to your house.Have a key safe, they cost about £40, attach it to a wall, put spare house key in it, close with a combination which can be reset at any time.If you are locked out, there's your key.If someone needs in for an emergency,always assuming you're able to speak to them, just give them the combination.Change the combination after use.If you think the person who has had access to that key will copy it, you're back to the "change the lock " solution.But it does mean that many "emergencies" such as letting in an authorised workman can be circumvented by giving them easy access to a key without involving a neighbour or relative.Not perfect, but is another possibility.The stance is" I prefer to have control over the number of keys to the house,as does my insurer."

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/04/2015 19:53

OP, from what you have posted, just change the locks.

shewept · 19/04/2015 19:57

When do you go away? How long is his time limit to give it back? Tell your dh what you have texted him a date you want to key back. assuming you have and are not still putting it off ( not trying to be harsh, just that's the main issue here) and tell ds a locksmith is booked on that date and the locks will be changed if no key turns up. Make it for a few days before the holiday.

Then change the locks anyway or put an extra lock on the doors. Your ds is trying to control you, your dh and that house. I am 90% sure he will have made a copy.

shewept · 19/04/2015 20:01

It's not just that there is no reason. Its that he isn't trusted. I went in dad the other day. I was meeting him there to go out for the day. He nipped to the shops and rang me to say that if I got to his house before him, to let myself in a make a cuppa. Because he trusts me. Your ds needs to learn its not just about needing to get in, about being trusted to go in. He isn't trusted in your house....because actions have consequences and he needs to learn that.

Marynary · 19/04/2015 20:06

He's not a child shewept. OP doesn't need to teach him things anymore... She just needs to do the best thing for herself and her DH.

shewept · 19/04/2015 20:19

Mary I disagree completely. She has said her lack of support of dh has almost ruined their family. I think its entirely up to the OP to tell her son he will not have access to their house as he please while he continues to disrespect her, her dh and their house. Not because he is her ds, but because that what her and her dh want. For him to understand he can not do as he pleases and face no consequences. Its not about being an adult or a child. We all learn life lessons all the time. He needs to learn its not ok to abuse his mothers home and the OP is trying to avoid that issue.

I would say they same to someone whose dm or mil kept popping in leaving the house locked and trashing it. I don't think its because she needs to teach him in a parent/ child relationship. She, obviously wants to maintain a relationship with her son. So needs to reestablish the boundaries of that relationship. People in adult to adult relationships do it all the time.

Marynary · 19/04/2015 20:29

People in adult to adult relationships do it all the time.

Really. Do you give seriously give adults "life lessons" and teach them that "actions have consequences" all the time?Hmm

2rebecca · 19/04/2015 20:36

Agree it's about trust. He isn't a teenager but an adult. My stepson had a party when his mum was away age 17. He is now in his 20s and has a key but regrets the party and would not do it again. The lack of remorse and lack of trust that he wouldn't repeat untrustworthy behaviour is the problem here, and the fact that the party was when he was an adult who should know better.
I don't see that this man needs a key to his mum's house anyway. I don't have one to my dad's house and it isn't a big deal. I check with him before visiting (he lives several hours away and as a young adult I used to lose keys so stopped being given them, I didn't have a sulky fit as it never affected me being able to visit my parents when they were in which was the main reason I visited them anyway.)

TheBooMonster · 19/04/2015 20:41

I have a key to my parents and PiL gave me house keys. both my and DH's parents have keys to our place. Me trying to give my parents back their house keys after a disagreement whilst I was at uni was almost considered to be an act of war!!

laurierf · 19/04/2015 21:04

Feelinghelpless2 - change the locks NOW so things are sorted with DH immediately. Then think about how to broach this with DS.

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 21:21

Shewept- I go away in just over 2 weeks so I haven't done yet but am going to email him tomorrow at work and tell him I need the key back for said reasons. I have to man up, take control & put my DH feelings first for a change.

OP posts:
Ineedtimeoff · 19/04/2015 22:36

I think the key is a symbol. By asking for it back you are saying that he is no longer welcome there or rather only welcome on your invite.

Unless he has done something really terrible (I don't count parties or leaving doors open terrible) then why would you want to send him that message?

I will always make room in my house for my DD, even when she is an adult. My home will always be hers and she will always find room here for her. I will stand by her no mater what.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 19/04/2015 22:37

Great that you've asked for the key back, now change the locks anyway. Yale locks are really easy to change yourself, just watch a YouTube video if you're unsure or get a locksmith in. You won't be insured if your beloved DS leaves the front door open while you're away and you're burgled.

Seriously, it sounds like your son is super manipulative and will clearly copy the key before handing it back. He might not trash the house, but I'm sure he'll get off on coming in when he knows you're away.

Your DH will only take so much before you get an ultimatum off him (if you're lucky). I think you need some counselling before you end up with no marriage.

Inertia · 19/04/2015 22:49

For pity's sake, if I were your husband I'd change the locks myself. The man must have the patience of a saint to cope with your son's brattishness and your continual appeasement of your own child.

Just change the sodding locks and go on holiday, and be done with it!

laurierf · 19/04/2015 23:20

Sorry, but the more you post OP, the more I agree with this:

"I think you need some counselling before you end up with no marriage."

no marriage and a DS who treats you like crap.

Remember DS said he would not come and visit you if he moved out, then insisted on having a key as he moved out.

Really, you are going to have to change the locks at some point, so sort the locks tomorrow, show DH you're serious first thing, talk to DS before you go on holiday (whether that be for general communication, asking for the key back, telling him you had to change the locks, telling him you've chosen to change the locks…whatever the decision is, but you've got a bit breathing space on that to work out how to best deal with that in terms of your relationship with DS).

You should never and will never stop loving your son. He will grow out of this behaviour eventually. But your marriage cannot wait for that to happen. It sounds like it cannot wait another moment longer for you to take action.

musicalendorphins2 · 19/04/2015 23:28

OP not sure if you read my post or not, but I am speaking from experience.

Under the circumstances, I would ask for the key back. Or put another lock on the door, so he can't come and go when you are not there.
Has he given you a key for his place, "for emergencies"?

coconutpie · 20/04/2015 00:45

Ugh. Emailing / texting / phoning asking for the key back is stupid. Meet your son face to face and get the key back then. Otherwise he'll have made a copy of the key and you'll be back to square one. I feel sorry for your DH having to put up with this crap.

Isetan · 20/04/2015 01:19

'It was like asking for a liver' ShockBlushSad.

Your son isn't the problem here, your pathological need to avoid conflict and your lack of boundaries with him, is. The next drama and crisis is probably already in the making because the dynamic between you and your son perpetuates the cycle and you refuse to alter to your contribution.

sykadelic · 20/04/2015 03:16

Ditto to all the people saying just change the locks. He's probably copied it by now knowing you'd ask again.

There is no need for him to have a key and him keeping the key is him having one over on your DH. I wouldn't put it past him to gain access to the house while you're out and move things around or do bad things to your DH's things.

Best way to move forward is a clear slate. Change the locks and your DH feels secure and your DS isn't the wiser unless he tries to gain access to your house while you're gone (at which time you'll find out he tried to get in because he calls you on it or he'll engineer a situation that requires him to "test his key" so he can call you on it and so you won't know he tried to get in).

Also, check all the windows to make sure they're locked. My sibling left one we never used unlocked so he could get back in.

redcaryellowcar · 20/04/2015 03:28

I have a house key, alarm code etc for my parents house, I'm welcome there anytime (house owned by my mother and step father) I also know the combo to the key safe at my dad and step mums house and again am welcome there anytime, I would always make contact to say I was coming, mostly so I could see them if possible, but neither would be shocked or upset if I just turned up, let myself in and called hello as I walked through the door, I'm 35.

Hissy · 20/04/2015 07:51

Sorry op, but wtf is this nonsense about emailing or texting your ds?

You do sound scared of him. Wtaf!

How can you be scared of telling him to return your key? This is your son! He sounds terrible!

Look at how you relate to him and see why this has created the monster!

If you can't do it, get your dh to ring him to get the key back.

But if he hands it over with no issue, you bet your arse he's got a copy.

You must sort his mess out, bugger his reaction! He's lost the right to the soft touch as he's abused his place.

You are going to have to get the key back AND change the locks.

No other option, he needs to wake up to how he treats you and your home.

and people need to rtft Smile