Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Adult son house key issue

247 replies

Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 09:05

Posted before about issue my DS causes my DH and I, his DSS. So he's finally moved out at the age off 22 but I won't take the key back of him. My DH feels very strongly about him having a key and wants it back saying he doesn't need it - thoughts anyone? It's causing massive problems between us, but I just can't ask for it back it feels so final! Is my DH or I the one being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Icimoi · 19/04/2015 17:47

Why do you wonder whether he'll just walk in, OP? If you change the locks he won't be able to walk in, will he?

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 17:51

Chipped - I know my approach has completely backfired! I don't know why I continue to tip toe round him, it drives my DH mad Confused

OP posts:
base9 · 19/04/2015 17:53

I am all for changing the locks to avoid a pointless tug of war over the keys, but lying to your ds about WHY you have done it?? Or refusing to tell him? Were you planning to introduce him to the idea that actions have consequences at any point? Apparently not.

WhatWouldPhilDunphyDo · 19/04/2015 17:54

I still have a house key to my dad's and I'm 36! I left home 20 years ago.

Your DH is being unreasonable and mean.

muminhants · 19/04/2015 17:54

My mum and I have keys to each other's houses.

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 17:59

Whatwould - its not that straightforward I'm afraid.

OP posts:
shewept · 19/04/2015 17:59

whatwould I take it you haven't read the thread.

Honestly OP, why are you trying to keep the peace. You did you want to repair your relationship with dh. This isn't helping. He has made a reasonable request and you are trying to figure out a way to do without upsetting ds. You aren't supporting your dh and ds isn't facing the consequences of treating you and your house like crap.

diddl · 19/04/2015 18:00

So other people with keys, do you leave lights on, doors open, have parties when your parents aren't there??

OP, change the locks.

If he tries to get in & can't & questions it, tell him the bloody truth!

You don't trust him with a key to your place.

MyCatIsAGit · 19/04/2015 18:01

I See the problem from the other side. My DSSs had parties and basically took the piss a few times when we were away, climbing in through windows to get in, their guests being rude to the neighbors etc etc and I really wanted to take the keys off them and DH didn't want to as he didn't want them to 'feel unwelcome '. My view was that they shouldn't have abused our trust. They are older now and, I hope, more responsible and we are going to end up trusting they won't do anything stupid this summer when we are away.

But it caused a real rift for a time between me and DH. It put us both in awful situations.

In this case it doesn't sound like he has grown up or matured...change the locks and support your DH.

Bibasbottom · 19/04/2015 18:03

All of this angst would be immediately resolved by just changing the locks.

It's not that difficult, just buy a new barrel and change it yourselves.

confused79 · 19/04/2015 18:04

Seems a bit trivial going on about a key when he could get 2 more cut for a tenner or so. Which suggests maybe he doesn't feel comfortable with your son having easy access to you home?

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 18:05

I know shewept. My DH and I have argued today as I still haven't asked DS and he says I'll happily upset him but will do anything to avoid upsetting my DS which I can't disagree with. I want to do it my own time, but he knows that's me just delaying and I know that too deep down. He feels he has no say in his house, which again I can relate to. He blames me for it coming to a head and my DS moving out as if I'd of tackled my DS and his behaviour it would never have come to this, again I agree - I failed completely on that front and have made matters so much, much worse. My DH never forced my DS to leave, far from it. I need to put things right somehow.

OP posts:
confused79 · 19/04/2015 18:05

Don't worry have just read the comments and can see there's more to it, lol. Excuse the last post.

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 18:07

lol confused yes just a little Grin

OP posts:
shewept · 19/04/2015 18:11

Well then what are you going to do?

You can't heal your relationship if you are still continuing the same behaviour over and over again and allowing ds to treat you, your house and your dh like rubbish .

Nothing is getting resolved. The only person who is happy is ds who is getting his own way.

You want to fix your relationship, so what changes are going to make?

FeckTheMagicDragon · 19/04/2015 18:20

OP I feel your pain, and understand as I have an adult child still living at home with us, for the moment. I have realised that I tiptoe around thing and avoid conflict as I'm frightened of losing my child's love. It has caused no end of issues with me and my DH. And he likes my adult child, who also works hard and pays board, helps round the house and has a plan or moving out. But he had his faults, and some of them are really fecking annoying!

The things that cause issues are my DH not feeling supported or that he has any day in his own home. And that is my fault. I'm so busy trying to keep everyone happy with me, that I inadvertently piss them both off.

Bite the bullet. Be a parent. Stop making your DH the bad guy. I did and I was terrified. But it worked. It's relived a lot if the tension and bad feeling on both sides and I can breath again.

Chippednailvarnish · 19/04/2015 18:20

Well then what are you going to do?

At the risk of being harsh, this is exactly where your last threads got to. The problem is you never seem to do anything. I'm not actually sure what you want to hear?

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 18:21

I'm going to text my DS and ask to have the key returned before our holiday. Reason? I wont relax knowing I'm going away and he will / could be in our home. He'll say he won't be, but you've let me down before saying one thing and doing the other. I then need to fix my DH and I. That's tricky, I've got bridges to build.....

OP posts:
WhitePhantom · 19/04/2015 18:22

Something has to change, OP. You're putting your relationship with your DH in jeopardy because you want to cosset your adult DS who treats you like dirt.

Asking for keys back is always going to be a horrible conversation - just change the lock and be done with it. I feel really sorry for your DH.

Marynary · 19/04/2015 18:22

A lot of posters are talking about OP's son as if he is a child. He is an adult who had left home and it is no longer her job to teach him that "actions have consequences" or anything else. That ship has sailed.
All she needs to do is make sure that he can't come in and out of her house with as little argument as possible e.g. find an excuse to change the locks and tell him that there is no need for him to have a key.

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 18:24

Feck - thanks for your posts, someone relates is good to hear. Chipped my DS moved out at my request so I feel I have made progress, it's just this final bit....

OP posts:
FeckTheMagicDragon · 19/04/2015 18:24

Oh and don't ask for the key back. Just tell him ' I want the key back' Not 'we' , 'I'.
If he starts on, do not get into a protracted argument. Just say 'If you don't, I will know you have no respect for me and will be changing the locks, you have got to earn my trust back after previous incidents' and repeat.

He knows you care about him, or he wouldn't try the guilt trips.

WhitePhantom · 19/04/2015 18:26

Oh for heaven's sake OP, you know for a fact he'll just get copies cut before giving back his key.

Just forget it, you're not going to do ANYTHING to cause any possible upset to your darling DS. Your relationship with your DH obviously means nothing to you.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 19/04/2015 18:27

It's really tough, and I've shed tears and lost sleep over it. He's your boy and you would die for him. But he's being a little shit and he knows it. Remind him it's time he started behaving like an adult. Good luck!

FeckTheMagicDragon · 19/04/2015 18:29

Getting the key back is the principle of the thing and to show your DH that you have listened to him. But yes, changing the locksight not go astray. £80 for a locksmith or you tube it and change the barrel your self.