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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Adult son house key issue

247 replies

Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 09:05

Posted before about issue my DS causes my DH and I, his DSS. So he's finally moved out at the age off 22 but I won't take the key back of him. My DH feels very strongly about him having a key and wants it back saying he doesn't need it - thoughts anyone? It's causing massive problems between us, but I just can't ask for it back it feels so final! Is my DH or I the one being unreasonable?

OP posts:
NoNameDame · 19/04/2015 12:42

Pourqoui - I think we are thinking of the same poster and I was about to say if you are that person then YABU and always seem to put your son last.

I may have missed a thread though, or it may be a different poster altogether.

Op are you the person with a Muslim ds, young twins and your son is latvian?

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 12:44

No namedame that's not me.

OP posts:
laurierf · 19/04/2015 12:48

Feelinghelpless2 is the poster with the son who said he would not come and visit her if he moved out, then insisted on keeping a key when he moved out.

redshoeblueshoe · 19/04/2015 12:50

Tell him you want the key back today.
You don't want conflict - but that's what you've got.
You are prioritising your selfish rude adult son over your DH.
Why ?
My adult DD was being a really fucking arse horrid to my DH - I kicked her out and demanded the key back. Tough shit that she didn't like it, she shouldn't have been such a bitch.
I don't know why you think 50% of posters are behind you - they are all saying they have keys - none of them are saying - Yes I was totally irresponsible but mummy let me keep my key so I could carry on trashing her house Hmm

NoNameDame · 19/04/2015 12:53

Fair enough, I was aghast that everyone was agreeing when I thought you were the other poster.

I agree if you have a genuine reason I.e security then just re-iterate to your day that this is the reason. Your do has a right to feel his home is secure but you should do everything you can to make sure your son feels welcome, tell him he just need to arrange it when someone is in so he doesn't need his own keys

iwishiwasasarah · 19/04/2015 12:59

I have read a lot of threads by you and I think any tolerance your DH has had towards your son has been worn away by your son's behaviour.

I suggest you change the locks but say nothing to your son. I strongly suggest that you keep your DH and your son as separate as possible. I suspect that your DH has your best interests at heart. I hope you would be horrified if your son treated a girlfriend with the same attitude as he treats you.

Good luck

StackladysMorphicResonator · 19/04/2015 13:14

Sorry OP, but you are indeed being a coward. You need to either ask for the key back or change the locks.

shewept · 19/04/2015 13:14

Making up a story isn't going to avoid conflict. Its going to just delay it you want you key back tell him you want it back.

Don't engage in his tears etc. Tell him he can not be trusted and that's it. Of he physically will not give back, that n change the locks.

Tbh I think you need to change the locks anyway. Your ds wants access to your house as and when he wants, to do what he wants. When you asked for it back, he will have had another cut, just incase you ask again.

drudgetrudy · 19/04/2015 13:23

Might have missed this but if your DH doesn't want him to have a key why doesn't he ask for it to be returned or change the lock?
Why are you in the middle.
Personally if I felt uncomfortable asking for it back I wouldn't do it-but I wouldn't interfere if DH asked for it back.

Marynary · 19/04/2015 13:24

Making up a story might avoid conflict. Telling an adult child that you don't trust them will cause conflict. I know which I would choose.

Gruntfuttock · 19/04/2015 13:29

You need to change the locks. Getting the key back is pointless because he may have had a copy made since you first asked for the key back.

Chippednailvarnish · 19/04/2015 13:41

I want the least conflict as possible - I know it's the cowards approach

Because this approach has really worked so far hasn't it OP? Hmm

shewept · 19/04/2015 13:48

I can see why the dh isn't asking for it back. There has been conflict between the ds and dh and so the dh isn't engaging anymore to avoid conflict.

If someone came here and said 'my dh and ds don't get on. Ds has now moved out and dh has told him to return his key. Ds is now upset and I don't know what to do.' People would be telling them, the dh should absolutely not have asked the ds for the key. That since the ds an dh don't get on and the OP is the boys mother, its up to her.

MargotLovedTom · 19/04/2015 13:55

He might not have had a spare cut; who knows? Anyway, I think changing the locks is pretty underhand and would cause a rift. I'd much prefer an open conversation explaining that the key needs to be returned because of xyz to make him aware of the reasons.

If the ssituation doeskick off then yes, change the lock, but I really wouldn't get involved in convoluted stories about why. Let's face it, he's going to know anyway so why not just have a conversation about it, no matter how manipulative he tries to be.

SoupDragon · 19/04/2015 14:43

He might not have had a spare cut; who knows?

No one until you go away and find he's been in and left the door open or left for the place in a mess.

Anyway, I think changing the locks is pretty underhand and would cause a rift.

If, as he says, the key is only for "emergencies" then he will never know. Unless he is being underhand...

CoodleMoodle · 19/04/2015 14:52

I have a key to my Mum's house. DH has a key to his parents' house. They have keys to our house as well. I don't think it's all that odd, but it's what we're used to!

MargotLovedTom · 19/04/2015 15:01

SoupDragon If he's dopey enough to leave the door open etc in those circumstances then he shouldn't be trusted to be out on his own, never mind trusted with a key Wink.

Hope you get sorted one way or another OP.

BigChocFrenzy · 19/04/2015 15:05

Yes, he's probably had another key cut.
Get the locks changed. He'll never know unless he tries to sneak in when you are away.
You and your DH are entitled to peace of mind that your property won't be damaged, strangers let in to party, doors left open for burglars.
Maybe he'll grow up in the next 10 years and you can revisit this decision.

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 15:06

Thank you all for your comments. It's really tough but ive got my answer - just need to do it now. Confused

OP posts:
PamDooveOrangeJoof · 19/04/2015 15:18

Yea change the locks and don't mention it. Then if he ever gets annoyed about it you know he's been trying to get in when he shouldn't!

I've always had a key for my mums house and she for mine. Neither of us would dream of entering each other's home without permission.

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 15:25

I just wonder when he calls in to see us (hasn't happened yet as early days) whether he'll just walk in or knock. More drama!

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 19/04/2015 16:07

SoupDragon If he's dopey enough to leave the door open etc in those circumstances then he shouldn't be trusted to be out on his own, never mind trusted with a key

Errr... He apparently is that dopey. That is rather the point.

coconutpie · 19/04/2015 16:39

I can't believe you feel the need to tip-toe around him! I would advise changing the locks, because he may already have a spare cut now that you mentioned you wanted the keys back (and he didn't return them) so he may have got spares cut already. And just be upfront about it - sorry son but you clearly can't be trusted with a key because of incidents X, Y, Z and until you work to regain that trust then no keys.

Skiptonlass · 19/04/2015 17:23

You had a break in, bunch of keys went missing, you don't feel safe knowing someone's got the door keys, you're changing all the locks.

It's a white lie but it'll maybe diffuse conflict.

Skiptonlass · 19/04/2015 17:24

Or you dropped them when out shopping and were advised to change the locks ;)