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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - Adult son house key issue

247 replies

Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 09:05

Posted before about issue my DS causes my DH and I, his DSS. So he's finally moved out at the age off 22 but I won't take the key back of him. My DH feels very strongly about him having a key and wants it back saying he doesn't need it - thoughts anyone? It's causing massive problems between us, but I just can't ask for it back it feels so final! Is my DH or I the one being unreasonable?

OP posts:

itsbetterthanabox · 19/04/2015 09:19

I can't see why your husband would care at all about him having a key. It seems useful so why take it off him?

ThePinkOcelot · 19/04/2015 09:19

I have a key to my mums house and I use it to let myself in. I'm 46!

I think your 'd'h would be happy if your sun fucked off in to the sunset and was never seen or heard of again!

HoggleHoggle · 19/04/2015 09:20

Just read your update.

If it was your husband's dc, would he also want the key back? If yes, and you believe him, then ask for it back but make sure the same happens for subsequent siblings when the time comes.

House parties aren't on obviously but can you not give him a chance to prove himself as he's moved out and presumably trying to become a grown up?

I took the piss as a teenager but sorted myself out. Give your son the same opportunity?

BeaufortBelle · 19/04/2015 09:20

I have a 19 year old DS at uni. He has a long history of losing keys. We make him return the keys to us when he goes back to uni. We had an argument over keys last night and his carelessness. He is a lovely, clever, usually responsible son. If we were to have a break now he is away I could not trust him not to have eight mates round or a party whilst we were away - nor could I trust him not to go out and leave the doors and windows open.

It sucks but there it is.

KatieKaye · 19/04/2015 09:20

If your DH has valid reasons for not trusting your DS with the key, then absolutely get it back. Having a party when you are away might be such a reason.
Simple solution: just change the lock and don't say anything to DS.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 19/04/2015 09:21

I'm 48 and have always had keys to my parents house, which I virtually never use, but if I was going in there and having parties while they were away then I think they would have been within their rights to ask for them back.

SaucyJack · 19/04/2015 09:21

I have a key to my mum's house. I used it recently with her full permission to pick up a wallpaper table while she was at work. Wouldn't dream of raiding her fridge or using her toiletries etc because I have nicer stuff at home

But if you think he'll continue to behave irresponsibly in your home when you're not there, then YANBU to ask for his key back.

But

base9 · 19/04/2015 09:21

Change the locks. You do not need to confront your ds but dh gets his privacy.

AliceLidl · 19/04/2015 09:23

I moved out and kept my house key to my parents house.

It's been twenty years and I've still got it. And they haven't changed the locks either, I can still use it

I don't see the harm if your son is going to be responsible with they key. I doubt he's going to let himself in to throw a party, so unless he's going to lose it, creep in and steal things, or pry through your private letters or whatever (like my MIL ) then him having a key for emergencies and convenience would surely be a good idea.

BarbarianMum · 19/04/2015 09:25

I'm 43 and still have a key to my parent's house - but then I have never abused their trust by using it as a party pad. If this was a recent occurrence then you do need to think carefully about the rules that go with this key. When wouldit be OK for him to use it? Do you trust him?

I would avoid removing the key if I could. Can you?

LittleMissRayofHope · 19/04/2015 09:27

I have a key to my mums house. She's happy for me to come and go as I please but mostly it's just for emergencies, when I'm with kids and cat feeding.

She has a key to my flat as it's often easier for her to just let herself in then wait for me to get to the door as I never know where I'll be with 2 small children!
She doesn't use it without permission though IYSWIM. She always says 'I'm on my way over' or similar so I know to expect her and vice versa.

ebwy · 19/04/2015 09:28

My mother dropped me off for my first term at university and held out her hand for my house key. I felt abandoned, even though I was technically an adult. For this reason, my kids will always be allowed access to my home even when they don't "need" it any more.

Chunkymonkey79 · 19/04/2015 09:31

I think it's handy to have spare keys dotted around with people you trust.

You never know if you might lose your keys and be unable to get in, or need somebody to enter your house in your absence in an emergency.

Are there trust issues with your son? If not it seems daft to me to ask for s key back, i would be insulted if my parents asked for mine.

MammaTJ · 19/04/2015 09:31

My DSis has a key to my mums home, I do not! This is because she lives in the same village and I live 40+ miles away.

DNephews (all grown up) all also have keys!

With your DS having previously partied at yours though, I am inclined to agree with your DH!

Original poster

Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 09:32

My DS has recently left the door wide open for the whole day, leaves lights on, shorts the fuses etc (God knows how!) and has ppl in who are messy hence DH wants the key back as he has no reason to come back in whilst we not there. Parties were in the last year. I've asked already but DS gave me a sob story of what happens in an emergency - not sure what emergency that would be but I folded and said keep it! Such a lightweight sad

OP posts:

PlasticCircus · 19/04/2015 09:32

Yes, I don't think it is unusual at all but it's all about boundaries. I have a house key for my parents' house and I am over 30! They have one to our house too for emergencies etc. I don't use it to less myself in for parties though- that's quite an issue.

My parents also had keys to their own old family homes- and they are 60! I don't think age comes into it and I don't think it's unusual.

PlasticCircus · 19/04/2015 09:34

Feeling- it's about your son's respect for your house. It doesn't seem as though he has any, so I can understand you DH's point. Your son sounds very immature.

Chippednailvarnish · 19/04/2015 09:38

It'll tear my DH and I apart so do I back down?

If you are who I think you are, FFS grow a pair and stop allowing your DS to destroy your relationship with your DH. Your DS is a horrible person and you have enabled him.

BeaufortBelle · 19/04/2015 09:38

Feelinghelpless that's exactly why our DS isn't allowed a house key when he's at uni. It has always been a worry that he will lose it along with a letter with our address on. I have had at least three sets of keys cut in the last year without telling my DH. I don't know what the answer is.

We had a monumental row last night becasue he couldn't find his key and swore blind it was in shorts in the washing machine and I had put them there. I check his pockets for stuff and there were no keys in them in any laundry yesterday but he would not have that it could be his fault. He simply wouldn't rationalise and I was cross because he should have known where it was and certainly long before the time he was due to leave. And he couldn't go without it because he was going clubbing!

avocadotoast · 19/04/2015 09:38

It definitely comes down to trust and boundaries. I still have a key to my parents' house (I'm 27) but I wouldn't just let myself in without checking with them first. My general rule is that if they're expecting me then I'll use the key, but if not then I'll knock.

Icimoi · 19/04/2015 09:39

I started out thinking it was odd even to demand that a grown up child give back their key. Then I saw your latest post and I can see exactly where your DH is coming from. Tell your DS that until he grows up and learns a bit of responsibility you'll make alternative arrangements for emergencies.

NerrSnerr · 19/04/2015 09:43

After your last post I have to agree with your husband. At 22 he should be much more respectful to your property.

plecofjustice · 19/04/2015 09:44

I have a key to my parent's place and they have a key to mine. It's for emergencies only. I'd never dream of using it to just pop in, unless they were away and I was going to put some shopping in for them or something like that we'd agreed in advance. I always buzz them when I go round and they're in. It's a trust thing.

2rebecca · 19/04/2015 09:45

No, I'd ask for a key back if he is that irresponsible. If he has an emergency he dials 999. I'm not sure why your house is an emergency. If he wants to stay he can phone you, you can arrange to leave a key somewhere eg under plant pot if you aren't in.

Original poster

Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 09:52

Yes Chipped it's me, thanks for your comment and I absolutely know your right. Even now he's moved he's having an effect on us. It's so bloody hard

OP posts:

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