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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Adult son house key issue

247 replies

Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 09:05

Posted before about issue my DS causes my DH and I, his DSS. So he's finally moved out at the age off 22 but I won't take the key back of him. My DH feels very strongly about him having a key and wants it back saying he doesn't need it - thoughts anyone? It's causing massive problems between us, but I just can't ask for it back it feels so final! Is my DH or I the one being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 19/04/2015 10:15

After your latest, collect the key. He broughtthis on himself. If he refuses, then change the locks, and let him know that making that necessary adds to the time before he is ever likely to have a key again.

There is no emergency that a key to your house will solve. If the solution to any inconvenience caused by lack of planning "emergency"is stored in your home, he can call and make arrangements, just like anyone else who doesnt live there.

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 10:15

I hate to think of my DS being like that but it seems he is intent on causing issues. He knows it would annoy my DH and cause my marriage issues (I've told him before) or maybe he's just completely unaware of it all! Who knows!

OP posts:
strawberrypenguin · 19/04/2015 10:16

I'm 30 and still have a key to my parents house. I can't remember the last time I actually used it but I have it all the same

shewept · 19/04/2015 10:18

He isn't unaware of it and you know he isn't. He cried to keep his key for emergency, after disrespecting you and your house.

He knows exactly what he is doing. He wants it as he is planning on st
I'll coming and going as he pleases. Either he is planning on taking stuff or he wants your dh to know he still has some control over what happens in your house. I am not surprised your dh is adamant.

canyou · 19/04/2015 10:20

I must be the keeeper of keys I have a key to dmums hse, both my Dsis hse, my MIL hse she lives in a granny flat connected to our house I rarely use them unless told pop round and ket yourself in and we all ring the door bell in a sequence of rings so they know it is family at the door.

Icimoi · 19/04/2015 10:20

OP, I don't understand why it's down to you to get the key back? Why doesn't your DH do it, or at least do it with you?

HoggleHoggle · 19/04/2015 10:21

Ok, after reading your updates I've changed my mind and think in this case it doesn't sound as though your ds can be trusted with a key. Sorry you're in this situation.

shewept · 19/04/2015 10:23

No idea what went on with the spacing on my last post Confused

KatieKaye · 19/04/2015 10:25

I think the real issue here is that your DS is manipulating you.
giving your DS a key is more likely to create a crisis, not be the solution to one.
It is really unreasonable of you to allow your DS to disrespect the home you share with your DH and ignore your DHs totally correct responses to this.
Change the locks. Make arrangements for someone you trust to hold a key for emergencies. Tell your DS to grow up and start acting like an adult instead of a boorish prat.

Marynary · 19/04/2015 10:25

My parents changed the locks after my brothers had apparently lost the keys once to often and didn't give me a spare (I think I was in my early twenties). My friends found it quite funny that I didn't have a key to my parent's house but I can't say that I really cared. My dad is quite neurotic about anyone in his house causing accidental damage, forgetting to lock the door when they go out etc.

I don't know how he survived having teenagers and I think he is a pain in the arse about it but it's not something I take personally or can be bothered arguing about.

Marynary · 19/04/2015 10:26

to too

GoblinLittleOwl · 19/04/2015 10:29

My son, 39, and my daughter, 36, long ago living elsewhere, both have keys to my house, and I have keys to theirs. I had keys to my parents' house until they died.

RainbowFlutterby · 19/04/2015 10:32

I'd change the lock anyway in case he's copied the key.

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 10:35

That's all really good comments, seems to be 50/50 but his behaviour suggests I should ask for it back - I worry when I'm away and he's here as I know he doesn't respect our house like he should and I'm pretty sure he'd come and go as he pleaded without us here and not mention. So I guess I've got to ask, change the locks or ask but make a story up about why I need it back.

OP posts:
Icimoi · 19/04/2015 10:40

Why make up a story? Tell him you need it back because he has no respect for your house or your property, and you would rather make other arrangements for emergencies.

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 10:41

I guess to make things easier icomoi and to cause less conflict

OP posts:
glammanana · 19/04/2015 10:41

With the previous problems you have had I would ask for the keys back ask OH to grow a pair and ask for them himself if he is so addiment they should be returned.
I must admit my son's both have door keys and I love the sound of the key in the lock it sounds corny but it's like my boys coming home when I hear the lock go.

HoggleHoggle · 19/04/2015 10:43

I really feel for you but I don't think you should make up a story to ask for it back. Your ds will know what's really going on and I think in terms of making sure he starts respecting you more, you just need to be firm on this. Say You love him, but he's proved himself unreliable with a key and as he's moved out you will need it back. Good luck Flowers

KatieKaye · 19/04/2015 10:44

OP, look at the responses after your revalations about how your DS totally disrespects your home. Those who have keys to their DPs homes have never abused them in the way your DS does.

Ask yourself why you feel you have to make up a story in order to get your key back from someone who abuses your home (and by extension, you and your DH) like this? If a neighbour had done this, what would you do? You'd get that key back and give them a bollocking, I hope! Well, this is worse because it is your son who has done this.

he is manipulating you. Putting a guilt trip on you to achieve his own ends. And he's a liar. He really does not sound very nice at all. Sorry he's like this to you. You have to present a united front with your DH and make sure your DS does not have access to your home when you are not there.

laurierf · 19/04/2015 10:45

I think you need to change the locks. Whether you ask DS for the old key back first, I'm not sure… I guess there's going to be upset either way because if you don't tell him I suspect he will try to use the key at some point and discover the locks have been changed.

You need to change the locks so your DH knows for sure DS cannot access the house when you are not there with a copied key. And then say to your DH that you want that be a line drawn on the matter. No more discussions about whether DS still owes money for a month's rent and no more complaining and discussions about DS. When you spend time with DS, as long as you're not giving him joint money and affecting DH that way, then what you do and say with DS is your business and not something for DH to get involved with and wound up about. Now that DS has moved out, you have your relationship with DH and your relationship with DS and the two do not need to come into conflict anymore.

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 10:50

Hi Laurie, like the rent comment - that has raised its head for oooo at least 2 days! But I think drawing a line and moving on would be lovely. It'll take a while for relationships to rebuild between my DH and DS but I'm hoping one day. Plus my DH and I need to get back on track, things have been v b strained. No one sees my DS in the light I see him, they all see him as a nice lad but he's been not nice to me and disrespectful but I don't think ppl believe me from the outside. I've been very disappointed with the way he's been since returning from uni last year.

OP posts:
Marynary · 19/04/2015 10:53

I would make up and excuse for changing the locks and then just don't give him a new key. He doesn't need one if he lives elsewhere.

I wouldn't get into arguments about lack of respect etc. He will probably grow out of his immature behaviour and in the meantime why fall out with an adult child when you don't need to?

avocadotoast · 19/04/2015 10:57

He's taking the piss from the sound of it, to be frank. I don't know anyone who would have come back from uni and treated their parent's home in that way. I have two cousins who moved back home after uni and have only recently moved back out, and yes they had odd parties etc when their parents were away, but they did it with prior agreement and always cleaned up afterwards.

I really do feel for you though, OP, because it must be so difficult being stuck in the middle like you are. I'd just change the locks, draw a line and move on. Life's too short.

CinnabarRed · 19/04/2015 10:58

Your DS is, to be brutal, behaving in a truly unpleasant, immature, spiteful way. If you don't want to confront him then change the locks. But on this one, I'm 100% with your DH.

MargotLovedTom · 19/04/2015 11:00

I know you don't want the conflict, but it's not doing anyone any favours walking on eggshells around him. It sounds like he needs a wake up call as to the consequences of his behaviour.

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