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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Adult son house key issue

247 replies

Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 09:05

Posted before about issue my DS causes my DH and I, his DSS. So he's finally moved out at the age off 22 but I won't take the key back of him. My DH feels very strongly about him having a key and wants it back saying he doesn't need it - thoughts anyone? It's causing massive problems between us, but I just can't ask for it back it feels so final! Is my DH or I the one being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Rebecca2014 · 19/04/2015 09:52

I kept a key to my parents house even though they jokily asked for it back! oops.

cashewnutty · 19/04/2015 09:55

My DD is 22 and has a key to our house. She will always have that key as this will always be her home should she need to live here. Her boyfriend also has a key to our house. However i trust both of them and neither has broken that trust.

I have a key to my parents house. I am 52 and have always had a key, as does my brother.

musicalendorphins2 · 19/04/2015 09:56

Under the circumstances, I would kindly ask for the key back. Or put another lock on the door, so he can't come and go when you are not there. Hopefully he will be responsible enough some day to have that privilege, but leaving doors open and so on are a security risk. You're not being cold hearted, you are being sensible. His actions have consequences, and he can learn from his mistakes. It doesn't mean you are disowning him, or he isn't welcome or a part of the family, but he is going to live on bis own.

Has he given you a key for his place, "for emergencies"?

feebeecat · 19/04/2015 09:57

I have always had a key to my parents house. When they moved they even got new keys cut for me. However, I've used it to pop in and fetch things, with full permission, water plants/collect post while they were away - heck, once put up a fence & had back lawn turfed while they were away. I have never had parties/raided fridge or anything else/left door open etc, etc - if that's what he wants if for, he doesn't need it & your DH is right.
If ds is concerned about 'emergencies', assume if that's regarding himself, he's old enough to sort it out, and if regarding you, tell him he can have it back when you slip into your dotage. If you are going away, leave key with neighbour. Sorted Grin

BakerStreetSaxRift · 19/04/2015 09:59

Still have a key to my parents, moved away a decade ago.

I'd be a bit offended if they wanted it back but then I don't go in and trash it when they're away.

DonnaKebab66 · 19/04/2015 10:00

I didn't have a house key to my parents' home at first, but when I moved out they moved away to Ireland so it didn't really come up.

When my mum moved back to London after my dad died, I didn't have a key for several years. I only got one a few months before she died as she was ill with cancer at the time so it made sense as I could go in without her answering the door (she was in pain/sedated from the meds) and in case of any emergencies.

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 10:01

I think that's the point, he's done himself no favours in being trusted with a key and I'm not sure why he thinks he needs it. But my DS made me feel soooo bad for asking for it back, I felt like I was asking for a liver!

OP posts:
shewept · 19/04/2015 10:02

I think your dh is being entirely unreasonable. And your ds reaction shows it.
He has not shown he is responsible enough and, understandably, your dh doesn't trust him with access to the house.

What sort of emergency will require him to need to get in your house? I have a key to mums incase she locks herself out. Happens alot because of the type of door. If she wanted it back, it would be no problem. In 15 years of owning my own home I have never needed to get in in case of emergency. Now they are elderly, that might change. If mum fell over maybe I would need to get in. Is that likely to happen to you?

londonrach · 19/04/2015 10:02

I still got a my childhood key. My parents have moved and this key is for their old house. I ummed and arred what to do but decided to keep it as its an important part of my growing up. Id never use it again and im sure the new owners would have changed to lock as ex next door neighbours have said the door has changed. (I live 4 hours away) Havent a key to the new house but sister has. Think its important to have keys for family houses in case of emergency. Ive got my inlaws house key. Never use it but if anything happens its there. Knowing my sister has my parents key is good enough for me as she lives closer. Whilst growing up i knew various neighbours had the key in case i lost mine. So yes if you trust dss let him have a key or at least someone in the family.

shewept · 19/04/2015 10:02

FFS you dh is being entirely reasonable

londonrach · 19/04/2015 10:05

If you dont trust dss than its a no re the key

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 10:06

Thanks shewept makes sense, i am trying to keep everyone happy but failing miserably!!!

OP posts:
DarthVadersTailor · 19/04/2015 10:07

I'm 32 and still have a key to my folks house!! I guess it's symbolising that I'm always welcome there, and it's handy that they always know I have a spare to use if they lose theirs. I think it's nice for the children to have one myself, not sure why this causes such an issue OP? Don't know the backstory but on the face of it seems like a very minor issue to be upset about?

shewept · 19/04/2015 10:07

I would be questioning why he is so desperate to have it.

Possibly planning on coming and borrowing stuff?

SoupDragon · 19/04/2015 10:07

As I have just said on your other thread, simply change the lock and don't tell him.

AmateurSeamstress · 19/04/2015 10:08

Your DH's feelings on the security of his own house trump your DS's preference to have a key to a house he doesn't live in.

Your DS will get over it. Do it for your DH or change the locks.

TheCrowFromBelow · 19/04/2015 10:08

OP.
Take a step back and look at what you've said: he leaves the front door open, he fuses the electricity, he uses your house as a party pad when he feels like it.
He can't be trusted with a key! if there's an "emergency" (and I'd want to know what he thinks this emergency might be)then he has your telephone number and you can let him in.
You're not asking for a liver. He's taking the mickey.

Totality22 · 19/04/2015 10:08

Me and my OH are 35 and still have keys to our folks houses. I would always let me mum or dad know I'm intending to pop in but OH just rocks up.. any time day or night. In fact today we are going round and taking the DC and he wouldn't think to even 'ask' or let them know in advance. They have a very open house policy!!!

MrsEvadneCake · 19/04/2015 10:09

Having read your update then I have to say take the key back. You don't need to keep everyone happy. He's not earned the trust to keep his key.

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 19/04/2015 10:09

That's what DH said, change the locks. I don't know why I find it so bloody difficult to ask my own DS for a key back! Ffs

OP posts:
whitecandles · 19/04/2015 10:11

Hm, reading your update...yeah you should ask him for the key.

Are you scared of his reaction?

Littlef00t · 19/04/2015 10:13

He can't be trusted so you take the key. Leave a spare with trusted neighbour and if there's an emergency and you're not around he can go to them unlikely

shewept · 19/04/2015 10:13

If your ds had grown up or accepted his behaviour was irresponsible, he would understand your dh pov and give the key back. The fact that he is manipulating you into to keeping shows he hasn't matured and is still trying to maintain some sort of hold over you and dh.

Personally I would put an extra lock on. He is likely to have a strop when he can't get in, so you will know he has tried.

Ds doesn't seem bothered about accepting the consequences of his actions or trying to keep you happy.

base9 · 19/04/2015 10:14

Good, you and dh are agreed. Change the locks. Problem solved.

You clearly have a much larger problem with your ds. But at least it is somewhat removed now.

Fairylea · 19/04/2015 10:15

In your circumstances your dh is being reasonable. Your son can't be trusted. It's not a normal situation where a child moves out as an adult and you let them keep a key for sentimental / emergency reasons. Your son has abused both of your trusts, there is no way he should have a key.

It sounds like you're scared of both your son and your dh. Is that right?

You can always change the locks and say the lock broke and then conveniently keep forgetting to give him a key until he forgets about it - but really you should get some strength and ask for it back.