OH loves to walk...but worries mums might think he's a paedo

[Dowser]

I can't or don't always want to go with him.

So, he's been on his morning constitutional avoiding schools and parks ( probably crossing over the road if he sees a woman on her own approaching him).

He came in wearing some new shorts. I said they look like baggy shorts, have you lost weight.

No, he said, these are my walking shorts. They look like I'm out for a walk and I'm not a paedo.

I'm sniggering here at his logic. I wouldn't even say it was short wearing weather but I feel quite sad for him.

He's misses not having dogs any more. He had dogs for 30 years , and he felt a dog gave him a legitimate reason to walk and not look like a paedo in the park.

Anyone else got a male walk loving OH and how do they overcome this problem.

I think to be fair OH feels more sensitive about it since Jimmy Savile.

"Maybe he'll be turning left in a bit & the fact that he crosses the road and then comes back again would upset this delicate flower even further?

Maybe he doesn't even realise that it's a "thing" and is staggering home pleasantly inebriated nibbling on a kebab & doesn't even register the person in front is a woman.

Maybe she should cross over the road?"

Absolutely. (Neat use of "delicate flower" there, by the way. Women's experiences are frequently downplayed and mocked.)

Yes, all of those things are valid. It is also valid that overwhelmingly attacks, both verbal and physical and muggings are carried out by men. So it does not seem to me to be much to ask thoughtful, sensitive men to be mindful. And why would the aforementioned thoughtful sensitive man want to do anything to make a potentially scared person more scared?

Trouble is, the kind of arse who makes uncomfortable remarks on a lonely pathway is not the kind of guy to sensitively cross the road.

It's a smidgeon more relaxing if a man does cross over, because then we can assume he is not that kind of arse. Which is why it's a nice thing to do, IKnow.

Uh.... yabu. It wouldn't even enter my mind if I saw a guy out on his own walking. Tbh its a bit weird he's thinking like that?!

I just asked Dh who is an avid walker and photographer, he carries a camera and binoculars with him. He tends to walk in rural places but also round urban streets too.

He said that he would always be mindful that a lone female might find him a threat or intimidating and makes sure that he tries not to put himself or anyone else in that position. For example he would cross the road or keep his distance if he thought it was necessary.

He doesn't think that everyone would think he was a paedophile or any other type of threat but it seems sensible to err on the side of caution for his own protection as well.

I think its quite nice that he thinks of others without being dramatic about it.

My dp has had this when the dog was a puppy. Some children came up to stroke the dog and he was telling them not to come too close in case the dog nipped them. They asked what sort of dog it was, how old etc. etc. Two males then followed him round and out of the park and made a 'nonce' comment. I was really hurt by it on his behalf. It wouldn't have happened if it had been me as a female.

Men in public places are very rarely vulnerable to women. Individual men can be vulnerable to individual women in the domestic sphere. But men are very unlikely to be mugged, attacked, harassed or in any way inconvenienced by women. This is not an inaccurate narrative.

No. But that is not the narrative that forces men to bow their heads and cross roads. It is the narrative that a woman is likely to be physically assaulted by random men on the street that is innaccurate, as is the narrative that they are in greater danger in the public sphere than men.

"
No. But that is not the narrative that forces men to bow their heads and cross roads. It is the narrative that a woman is likely to be physically assaulted by random men on the street that is innaccurate, as is the narrative that they are in greater danger in the public sphere than men."

You are wound up by this "bow their heads" thing aren't you? For the record, I have never heard that suggested. Women are in greater danger of inappropriate language or touching and intimidation. And men are not forced to do anything. Thoughtful, kind men do things that make others feel safer, not more scared. And to make it very clear that they disassociate themselves from the bastards. Why would you not show yourslf to be an ally?

Its quite sad that he can't enjoy his walk and feel comfortable. I think lone walking can sometimes attract a few odd looks. I do a lot of walking - I don't feel good unless I have a walk everyday - (sometimes I also wear shorts !) I often take my camera because I like to take photos of birds, wildlife, odd signs etc. I get funny looks and I'm not a man.

Sometimes I takes diversion so that if I'm doing a round the block type walk I don't lap people. I make a point of saying hello to folk and sometimes feel compelled to mutter some sort of explanation.

It's quite probably all in my head that people think I'm odd, but I do sense it so sympathise with your DH . I'm also wary about talking to children - I see so many posts on here saying 'some mad old bat spoke to my kids, how dare she etc etc.' But often children will speak to me first and I like to answer them. It is a minefield of not being seen as a weirdo, just because you are alone.

"It;s terrible that a very small minority of abusive men can not only leave women feeling vulnerable, but also leave the majority of men feeling vulnerable as well. I think it's possible to feel sympathy for both."

Of course. Unfortunately, others do not appear to agree.

I think its quite nice that he thinks of others without being dramatic about it.

So do I, nokid :) Seems like Mr OP needs a full costume and props, though!!

You are wound up by this "bow their heads" thing aren't you?

Yes. I don't know why I should hang my head in shame for the crimes of other men, or the fears which we both are aware are founded in irrational assumptions and inaccurate narratives.

For the record, I have never heard that suggested.

It's unlikely you would have; the lesson was directed at the male students in the year.

Women are in greater danger of inappropriate language or touching and intimidation.

I would not disagree with the first or the second, but intimidation? Please. We're just not permitted to admit that we're intimidated, even to ourselves.

And men are not forced to do anything. Thoughtful, kind men do things that make others feel safer, not more scared. And to make it very clear that they disassociate themselves from the bastards. Why would you not show yourself to be an ally?

As previously stated, in the interests of being a good citizen I abide by the norms I was taught for reasons of providing support and comfort to other citizens. But I can still resent the narratives, and the attitude, those who fail to oppose the narratives and treat the concerns of their allies with contempt.

"Yes. I don't know why I should hang my head in shame for the crimes of other men, "

You aren't. Looking down, rather than directly at a person is less threatening. That is why it would have been suggested. Not so you indicate your social inferiority or something- which your earlier references to royalty suggest you thought you were being asked to do.

Oh, and one day you might like to look at the pages of suggestions as to how women should modify their behaviour to keep themselves safe. You might then find that crossing the road is less of an imposition than you think..........

It's not abasement, Mephistopheles.

It's not demanded either.

Women get all sorts of verbal and physical abuse when out walking and feel anxious when they hear a man's tread behind them. A woman who looks behind to check who is there is frequently understood to have initiated contact. A woman who does not look behind has to put up with not knowing who is behind her, and will feel very nervous.

This is because women tend to be targets of rapists.

So it is a courtesy to cross the street if at all possible, or to speed ahead and not tramp along behind someone who is possibly shitting herself wondering who the heck is behind her and what his intentions are, and doing mental calculations wrt how fast she can run in her shoes, how far til she can stop at a bus stop or go into a shop and let you pass.

You can resent away all you like, and feel put upon and misunderstood.

Poor diddums.

If you want the narrative to stop then confront the men who think it's ok to catcall women, who think it's ok to jeer and make lewd suggestions at women when they go out to walk or jog, who roll down their windows to make unsolicited comments about boobs or bums or facial expressions, and most of all you can do your bit to tackle the issue of women being groped and assaulted when are out.

In other words, wrap your head around the idea that the narrative is not the problem and that the actual facts behind it are.

Is he a co-dependent?

Lol Eek!Eek! Eek!

No, he's just pounding the streets...maybe he could get a police uniform and do a bit of neighbourhood watching while he's at it.

this morning he passed children on the street going to school. In fact if he stretches his ten minute walk to 20 minutes he could take in two schools and one park and the cemetery.

Yes, he might encounter ghosts as well!

LTB for making a comment like that.

Unless he was joking, in which case it should clearly state after it.

He passed children on the street - Oh, brave lad

Well, assuming he didn't offer them sweeties or invite them to see his puppy ...

Hakluyt

After a mugging at about 14, I was sent to a seminar about reducing my vulnerability in the street. It included advice on how to dress ("if you're slim, dress bulky") how to walk ("shoulders back, head up, focus on the middle distance") how to watch for threats ("check all around you; if someone is following you, make sure they know you're aware of them") how to respond to people who addressed us verbally (look them in the eye; fake it if you have to. Show no fear; keep breathing regularly and your voice steady") then how to defend against those who attacked us physically ("You're not really built for this. Try and protect your vital organs and get it over with as soon as possible")

Is this similar to the advice given to women?

I know the explicit reason to bow my head is to reduce the appearance of aggression. I also know about how apparently benign social conventions can establish or reinforce social attitudes apparently disconnected from the explicit intent - concepts I learned from gender studies. Is this intentional? Probably not. Does it have an effect? How many men have been reported in this thread as feeling unable to fully share in the use of public spaces?

I haven't read all the responses but I can see his point unfortunately. My brother was in a local park and he saw boys tormenting the deer. He told them to leave the deer alone, and next thing the park ranger came running over as there was a report of a man abusing the boys.

that the narrative is not the problem and that the actual facts behind it are.

But the facts do not support the narrative; they are simply a perpetuation of the same archaic beliefs that forces women in some cultures to segregate themselves from men as men, as a class, are incapable of self control. The data indicates that most sexual and physical violence against women takes place in the home from aggressors known to the victim. The threat from a stranger on the street is, in comparison, negligible.

My feelings on the issue are, I agree, irrelevant. I neither ask nor require pity or thanks for acts I undertake to promote the mental wellbeing of other citizens, which have included the active immediate opposition to witnessed harassment of both verbal and physical nature. I am simply angered by the continuation of social narratives that make such interventions necessary, both the ones that identify men as legitimate threats and the ones that identify women as legitimate targets.

I am simply angered by the continuation of social narratives that make such interventions necessary

Yes, it is a total pain in the arse. Thank you for your continued assistance in gradually breaking down the social strictures reinforcing these narratives :)