OH loves to walk...but worries mums might think he's a paedo

[Dowser]

I can't or don't always want to go with him.

So, he's been on his morning constitutional avoiding schools and parks ( probably crossing over the road if he sees a woman on her own approaching him).

He came in wearing some new shorts. I said they look like baggy shorts, have you lost weight.

No, he said, these are my walking shorts. They look like I'm out for a walk and I'm not a paedo.

I'm sniggering here at his logic. I wouldn't even say it was short wearing weather but I feel quite sad for him.

He's misses not having dogs any more. He had dogs for 30 years , and he felt a dog gave him a legitimate reason to walk and not look like a paedo in the park.

Anyone else got a male walk loving OH and how do they overcome this problem.

I think to be fair OH feels more sensitive about it since Jimmy Savile.

My DH has never bathed my DD (not his) because he thinks I could suddenly turn on him and call SS saying he molested her. If he doesn't trust me, I can see why men would be paranoid about complete strangers.

When I think about LEGOLAND policy I think to myself

a) I love Pokemon. I'm 36. Me and DH went to the Pokémon centre in Tokyo. It was one of our top things we wanted to do. We also went to Akihabara and looked at all the children's toys and generally had an amazing time. It was about 8 years ago now, but I'd do it all again tomorrow. If one of us had been on our own, then I'd hate to think that we wouldn't have been able to do that. We like running around being big kids and I can't see how it harms anyone else to like children's toys.

b) Do LEGOLAND generally have a problem with paedos abusing children on their premises? I have to say this tends to put me off going there with children if they are feeling the need to introduce this policy as it obviously makes it a paedo hotspot. Should I also change my shopping habits as it must mean there is a higher number of paedos lurking at the Trafford Centre on the way to LEGOLAND.

c) LEGOLAND obviously think that paedos are thick and wouldn't find a way around this policy if they were that determined to abuse children in a public place in broad daylight.

d) What the fuck are parents doing at LEGOLAND? Does LEGOLAND take all responsibility for their children the second they enter the premises? Is it standard to let your child run around without keeping an eye on them? Perhaps this is why people take their children to LEGOLAND, so they can take a break from their own responsibilities of safeguarding their children in public spaces.

e) Legoland think paedos don't have children.

It really is just pandering to hysterical people, who then in doing so, have their perceptions of actual risk completely distorted. Their precious child is far more likely to be abused by the parent of their child's best friend than a random stranger who 'looks a bit weird'.

And yes LEGOLAND's fucked up thinking is reflective of societies stupid stereotyped logic.

Do we go round asking for DBS checks of parents of childrens friends before we allow them to sleep over? No. Why? We should be asking for the power to do that before we go banning people from legoland as its more reflective of risk.

You protect your child by warning them of the potential dangers as they really are, not by arming them with incorrect information that paedos only look or act a certain way and aren't charming, seemingly ordinary people that you might have every reason to trust. People who might actually have passed a DBS check anyway...

In our local playground there is a very old woman who comes and sit down for a while with her carer and just watch the kids play for a bit before they continue their walk. Everyone thinks it's really sweet but I am sure it wouldn't sound like that if it was an old man instead. Sad

I would never think that of a man who's walking. Wtf? Never heard anything like it! People walk...

I don't 'require' a man to cross the road at night to avoid alarming me any more than I 'require' anyone of either gender to hold a door open for me - I appreciate it should they do it on the grounds that they are voluntarily being thoughtful in relation to another human being in their vicinity. I'm not in any way outraged if the door isn't held open, or if a man visibly minding his own business is getting where he needs to go on my side of the street at 3am.

As 'EatShit' said, all I 'expect' is not to be raped, assaulted or harassed.

Poor bloke. Actually I think it's quite common for blokes to be concerned that others see them as a threat (to children or women), especially as there has been such massive media coverage of sexual abuse and predatory behaviour.

DP and I do sometimes joke about people walking without a dog when we're out, but that's more of a 'everyone should have a dog - they don't know what they're missing' sort of thing. DP was once walking back from doing the shopping across the water meadows, weighed down by shopping bags, and a very posh lady walking her black labs said very loudly to him "what no dog?!!". That's become a family catchphrase.

I was reading a local forum recently and there was a thread about a 'dodgy' bloke at a dog walking spot who had been seen by several female dog walkers 'lurking' just looking into the woods or trees. It was seen as significant that he didn't have a dog and wasn't jogging or anything. A bloke came on and pointed out that he and lots of other men go out to watch birds and wildlife and can quite regularly be seen standing still looking at things - because they're watching birds/ butterflies etc! I see men on their own like that frequently and don't think anything of it, although I guess I'm also basing that on them having camera/binoculars etc that mean they don't look 'out of place'. Anyway, I digress.

If he walks at the same time every morning, could he maybe offer to walk a dog as afavour to a friend/neighbour or even put an ad somewhere to do it for a fee? Gives him a visible purpose (not that I think he needs an excuse to go for a walk!).

I think DH and I should black out one of our windows as it over looks a park.

Everyone will think he bought the house in order to perv at children in the park if he looks out of it.

The culture surrounding men working with children is something I quite firmly put down to the societal pressures, economic pressures and norms and saw some reactions as hysterical. Then DH did a year long secondment with the local child protection unit (dh is a police officer) and was glad to move back to his normal specialism after a year because he could see how easily you fall into the trap of thinking that men in that area have an agenda. After family members, men working in a position of responsibility with children (volunteers and paid employment) were the biggest problem. Not a rare problem either. Most days new jobs were coming in. DH did say there were nights when he came home from work and lay in bed with our school aged dd in the room next door and he worried about how the feck he could protect her. He could see how that suspicious mind develops having seen the reality. What he had to do was remind himself that the percentage of male paedophiles he was dealing with, compared with the percentage of men working with children was actually v small but he was working with a self-selecting bunch.

My friend who works in child protection has done so for 20 years and cannot separate the two any longer.

Sorry, started writing that much earlier then a friend rang. See that the thread has moved on rather.

Bathshebadarkstone I disagree with you 100%. Your partner is worried about you turning on him and calling him a paedophile one day. That's worrying for your relationship no?

That does not mean that it would be normal for a man to expect strangers to think he's a paedophile. That's just weird and effed up tbh!

My mum is allergic to dogs and cats so we don't have one. Maybe DH should go and walk the guinea pig instead...

legoland recently refused entry to a disabled adult male and his carer because there were no children in their party of two. News reports say the policy is no adults without children.

But I find it odd that, until this, no couple, of the same or mixed gender, had ever attempted to enter the park and was refused? or else every such couple has shrugged and gone to a different amusement park withno complaint? The man inthis oarticular incident looks like a teen, and has the mental capacity of a 7 year old, so petitions were started to allow him and others like him in, but the entire rule needs scrapping.

i worked at Disneyland California and adults enjoying the rides and shows without children is absolutely normal. Given the huge number of adult fans of Lego, I find the idea of restricting adults, except adults with disabilities(?), from the park quite strange. And this would be illegal in the park in California, I am quite sure.

The idea of restricting adults unaccompanied by children, ...

i worked at Disneyland California and adults enjoying the rides and shows without children is absolutely normal

You mean these 2?

How come its right to say a woman shouldn't change the way she dresses or how she behaves and its the man who commits a criminal act who is to blame, but its ok to expect completely innocent men to change their behaviour because they are acting 'inappropriately' or in a 'threatening manner' by minding their own business and just doing normal things?

The problem is the criminal who should change their behaviour. Not ANYONE else.

I must admit, I know what he means and I'm not surprised he feels a bit paranoid about what others think. When I walk my dog through a local wood/heath sort of area I am always immediately on my guard if I see a man approaching me alone and

1. he isn't jogging in jogging gear, or cycling
2. he isn't walking a dog

There is something a bit unsettling about seeing a man alone in a place like that without an obvious reason. I am fully aware of how completely unreasonable and ridiculous that is, but unfortunately it's how we've become conditioned to think. It's sad really. Before I got my dog I used to walk for miles alone just for the hell of it, but because I am a woman no-one batted an eyelid.

He needs to join Borrow My Doggy

Tell him to stop worrying and just enjoy his walk.

There is something a bit unsettling about seeing a man alone in a place like that without an obvious reason

Men walk. Women walk. People are recommended to do exercise. I don't think being on your guard is really going to stop anything happen unfortunately.

Women often don't go walking alone because they fear an attack.
Men are nervous about worrying women if they are out alone.

It's a vicious circle.

My DH went out (fully clothed for winter if it's at all relevant) for his morning constitutional. Reached his usual destination (a church he aims to walk up to) sat down on a bench and let an elderly lady pass way out in front before he set off a long way behind her so as not to scare her.

She had eyed him suspiciously when he sat down and looked very afraid of him so he let her pass quite a long way before he headed home!

Elderly lady kept looking behind nervously then went in the local co-op! Next thing her husband and her came out of the co-op and got in their car as they both watched my husband pass them, then her DH drove very slowly past my DH who was well on his way home, the old man was literally craning his neck staring at my DH as he drove by then he turned his car around and drove slowly past my DH again as if to 'survey' his intentions.

My DH stopped going for walks for a few weeks as he was so upset and he gained a little weight, being the wrong side of 45 and his blood pressure became high again so he has now started walking again but I really feel these types of people should not be allowed to make someone feel like they are not allowed to walk without a dog.

On the other hand DH has met some adorable pensioners who say hello to him on every walk but it just took those two to put him off for a while.

I agree Orlando

That's a great idea Bike there must be elderly or housebound people locally who would greatly appreciate that!

Have been thinking more about this, and while obviously I'm sympathetic to men like the OP's husband who feel terribly anxious about being suspected in the general vicinity of children, I also feel that the reason some men are quite outraged or shocked about this suspicion is because it's one of the relatively few instances of social pressures restricting or regulating male behaviour in public places.

Traditionally, it's women's behaviour that is more 'policed' outside the home. Most of us have ingrained 'rules' about safety at night involving not walking alone in ill-lit places etc etc, not wearing earphones when running somewhere isolated, dealing with male harassment when exercising in public (see other thread) - because if we transgress these rules about where we're allowed to go, and how we act when we're out, we're 'inviting' assault or verbal abuse or worse eg 'She was asking for it, walking down that alley at 3am' or one of the defence lawyers in Jyoti Singh's case (the 2012 Delhi gang rape and murder) who said a respectable girl shouldn't have been on public transport at night.

Men's behaviour is still seen as normative, so they aren't used to having equivalent social/cultural restrictions about where they can go in public. Hence the feelings about being suspected for walking near a playground, or sitting on a wall by a school at playtime are comparatively unfamiliar.