OH loves to walk...but worries mums might think he's a paedo

[Dowser]

I can't or don't always want to go with him.

So, he's been on his morning constitutional avoiding schools and parks ( probably crossing over the road if he sees a woman on her own approaching him).

He came in wearing some new shorts. I said they look like baggy shorts, have you lost weight.

No, he said, these are my walking shorts. They look like I'm out for a walk and I'm not a paedo.

I'm sniggering here at his logic. I wouldn't even say it was short wearing weather but I feel quite sad for him.

He's misses not having dogs any more. He had dogs for 30 years , and he felt a dog gave him a legitimate reason to walk and not look like a paedo in the park.

Anyone else got a male walk loving OH and how do they overcome this problem.

I think to be fair OH feels more sensitive about it since Jimmy Savile.

"
I strive to be a good citizen and I'm conscious that the promotion of certain narratives mean that my presence in certain circumstances has the potential to cause discomfort or distress. Being aware of it, I abide by the social norms of the day, but I still see them as a symbol of how potentially degraded I am perceived as being, simply by virtue of my gender."

Could you tell us some more about how degraded you are by virtue of your gender?

Regarding Bathsheba's spouse: my X's family, working with nothing but their own hysteria and ability to frighten a preschooler into repeating phrases learned from intense and inappropriate questioning, created a situation where I had to have my children examined for signs of abuse. Luckily, it did not progress beyond that opening query, but it forever changed the not even developed relationship between now dh and DDs. He avoided touching them in any way for several years, until they were both mature enough to articulate clearly for themselves.

Depending on B's x, and his family, he is indeed at risk of accusations based on nothing.

Of course the difference is that women's behaviour restrictions are about perceptions of being 'at risk', while the male codes are to do with perceptions of being a risk.

My brother has the same trouble, likes to walk but without a dog he gets funny looks.

It is so stupid.

Seagrass we are trying to STOP policing women's behaviour as that's a bad thing. So I fail to see why its a good think to START policing men's behaviour, if they are equally innocent.

Policing on the basis of gender is discriminatory and blames both genders for the unlawful and wrong behaviour of the minority.

Anybody wondering why a childless adult might want to go to Legoland should watch last night's Collectaholics on BBC2. Lots of adults like Lego, and other toys and games.

I feel for your husband, OP. It's not fair that he doesn't feel free to enjoy an innocent pastime because of mostly media-generated hysteria. How ridiculous that he should have to take 'props' in order to not look suspicious.

It's not fair that many women don't feel able to go out alone at night, or to isolated locations, because of mostly media-generated fear and suspicion. How ridiculous that a grown adult should have to be accompanied everywhere like a child in order to feel safe.

So what can we do about it? If we genuinely feel restricted by these attitudes in society and don't have the confidence to say to hell with them and carry on regardless, what can we do?

These walks are just a ten minute lap around the block .

So why the need to wear anything other than regular clothes?

DH walks home by himself across the park. I don't think he has ever worried about being accused of being a peado. However, I know that DH avoids talking to children he doesn't know as he is worry about this.

I love Pokemon. I'm 36. Me and DH went to the Pokémon centre in Tokyo. It was one of our top things we wanted to do. We also went to Akihabara and looked at all the children's toys and generally had an amazing time. It was about 8 years ago now, but I'd do it all again tomorrow. If one of us had been on our own, then I'd hate to think that we wouldn't have been able to do that. We like running around being big kids and I can't see how it harms anyone else to like children's toys.

We went there too Redtoothbrush, without children!! And we went to the Ghibli museum and the big toy store.

My single Dad is 67 & he has this problem, whereby he wants to go to walks to popular places like the beach but is worried about ''what people will think'' - I thought he was being a bit paranoid but obviously this is a common worry amongst men.

I've told him to get a small dog when his cat dies (it's very old & ill) but he says ''I don't like dogs''.
I've also suggested a rambling group but he says he's too shy for that; he does seem to be popular at work & among his neighbours so I'm sure he could manage.

Red, I don't think SeaGrass is saying its a good thing to start policing men's behaviour, she's just pointing out that feeling socially policed in terms of where you can go without your behaviour being interpreted in certain ways is familiar sensation to women and not to men, hence the shock and outrage of some male responses - it's new, rather than ingrained.

Men feeling they need the 'alibi' of dog walking is new, women getting a colleague to walk them through an ill-lit car park after a late shift isn't.

And of course these are perceptions, primarily. Children and women are most at risk inside the home, not in a dark alley or shopping centre, whereas it's men who are more likely to be assaulted or killed out of the home.

Hakluyt

No, I feel no need to be attacked for expressing feelings which you clearly regard as illegitimate, particularly as you already seek to misquote what I said.

Just dismiss the honest report of a lived experience and move on.

I honestly never thought about this - I've just come back from a 2 hour walk, alone, and couldn't even tell you how many single men I passed let alone what they were wearing/carrying/taking for a walk. I'm really saddened by the stories of peoples' DHs and DFs being treated with suspicion. I hope to God it doesn't happen to DH when he's older.

I agree that the feeling of being policed or judged in public is one most women are so accustomed to that it's just part of our daily lives. For instance, I always walk along the main road outside our house on the side that has the traffic going in the same direction as me (IYSWIM), so that it's more difficult for tossers in passing vehicles to check me out and shout abuse/obscenities at me out of their windows as they pass. This happens on a regular basis.

Whilst it may be a relatively new phenomenon for men to feel "socially policed in terms of where you can go without your behaviour being interpreted in certain ways" I just can't help but think that rather than the balance between men and women being equalised, in certain areas the balance has tipped in favour of women and men are often seen as risky at worst, useless at best. Of course, in other areas the balance is still firmly held by men.

As a feminist I would like men and women to be equal (not the same). I think this is an example where men are seen as a danger to women and children. Of course a small proportion of men are, but does that mean that we should treat the large majority as citizens with an equal right to go out walking, with our without a dog, and without being seen as a threat??

It may be a new experience for older men, but I'm just thirty and I've been aware of this since I was very young. We were taught about this in Life Skills in year 10 - don't walk behind a woman because she'll think you're an attacker, don't overtake her on the path or she might have to defend herself, keep your eyes down so she knows you're not aggressive, slump your shoulders and bow your head so as to minimise the space you occupy and look like less of a threat.

This was all taught to us as basic civics.

I am really annoyed by all the suggestions to either get a dog or borrow one.
Why the hell should anyone have to do that? It's ridiculous. A man is as entitled as a woman to go for a walk. My husband walks every morning to get the paper, rather than drive because he wants the exercise. He doesn't pass a school or playground, but should he have to buy or borrow a dog if he did?

"We were taught about this in Life Skills in year 10 - don't walk behind a woman because she'll think you're an attacker, don't overtake her on the path or she might have to defend herself, keep your eyes down so she knows you're not aggressive, slump your shoulders and bow your head so as to minimise the space you occupy and look like less of a threat."

Nobody expects any of this behaviour in a busy place. But at night on a isolated road why would a thoughtful, kind man not do anything he could to stop a woman being scared?

A thoughtful kind younger man might well do the same if he found himself walking behind an elderly man too........

Nobody expects any of this behaviour in a busy place. But at night on a isolated road why would a thoughtful, kind man not do anything he could to stop a woman being scared?

As I said, I want to be a good citizen, so I do it. I am still permitted to resent the narratives that make it necessary, however, as well as the assumptions that produce them.

As I said on the thread where there was a man on the hillside with two women walking, a belated birthday card for him turned up of a dog walker in shorts!

Couldn't help but laugh.

"As I said, I want to be a good citizen, so I do it. I am still permitted to resent the narratives that make it necessary, however, as well as the assumptions that produce them."

Do you think the narratives are untrue or the assumptions false?

Do you think the narratives are untrue or the assumptions false?

Of course. As others have stated above, most sexual assaults and violence against women occur within private spaces and are perpetrated by people known to the victim.

OP any neighbours/friends with a dog who may be more than happy for DH to borrow said pooch and walk it for them?

I often go for a walk on my own, for the exercise, including in nearby woods and parks. I'm a woman in my 60s and often see people walking their dogs and children walking home from school. I did once get a really filthy look from a woman walking an extremely cute and fluffy little white dog. I had automatically smiled (and may have quietly said "aah") on turning a corner and seeing the dog. I glanced at the woman, still smiling, to be met with a death stare. I had made no attempt to touch the dog, I was just walking past. I have no idea what she was thinking to have reacted like that. I assume it's the same thinking that causes some parents to object to anyone smiling at their baby or toddler I suppose.
Nevertheless, I still feel entitled to go for a walk on my own, and so should men, without having to buy or borrow a dog in order not to be suspected of being a paedophile

That's the most ridiculous OP I've ever read.

If my husband started wittering on in that fashion, I'd begin to wonder whether there was something funny about him. Protesting too much, and all that.

I walk past babies in prams all the time on my own, but until I read this thread it didn't occur to me that the parents must suspect me of being a child-snatching weirdo. Because they wouldn't.

Just as no one walks past a lone man and thinks 'aha! Unaccompanied person of the male persuasion, definitely dodgy'.

I once stopped to talk to a small child who was standing alone at a pedestrian crossing, and asked him if he was OK and with someone. At which point his mother marched round the corner, gave me a filthy look and pulled him away without speaking. I am female and was, at the time, in my mid-20s.

I would prefer to live in a society where, if my child was standing alone at a busy road crossing that someone would come up to them and check they were OK and accompanied, but y'know.

TheMoa "Just as no one walks past a lone man and thinks 'aha! Unaccompanied person of the male persuasion, definitely dodgy'."

You should read Crossfitmyarse's post at 11:04:43. She is suspicious of men on their own.