To ask if a friend has ever abruptly cut you out?

[Homeishappiness]

My friend has and I'm sad about it.

We were good friends, saw each other a lot, had a lot in common. I moved some miles away and I saw her twice in an eight month period (fine) but she and I emailed, texted one another reasonably regularly.

She went away in January, sent me some pictures and I replied saying it looked beautiful.

Have heard nothing since - texts and emails have been ignored (I know she's safe as she owns a small business and that's running well.)

Has anyone else just suddenly never heard from someone again?

I think you're ex-friends were just cowards and also may have been given an ultimatum by the BF now with your ex-DH. COuld that be the case?

No sadly, OVienna. (It would have been easier if that was the case) exBF actually was the only one who tried to remain friends, even getting exH to call me and say she was so upset about it all (we had been BFs since we were 3 and were very close). The upsetting thing is they just didn't like me. I suspect there are lots of small factors, one couple were very competitive and covetous of others and my new DP was earning well and we were going to go travelling/skiing to a very naice place - i know that wasn't well received (they openly admitted to going to exotic/interesting places to make others jealous). One was insanely jealous that every woman was after her maaaahn (-as if ) and had been funny with me since he and i had chatted once (he was a horrendous philanderer and she always blamed the women for throwing themselves at him - they didn't, i know for a fact he pursued them doggedly) and i think it was a convenient time to jettison yet another 'temptation' from him. The other 2 were just lazy and it was easier to follow the rest.

I had been the one who did all the catering, inviting and organising. They all kind of gathered at my house and i provided the food and drink. I think when that stopped they realised they didn't actually really like me much.

On reflection i realise we were all awful (think the opening scenes of Shallow Grave where they are interviewing prospective flat mates) We just hung around together, none of the others wanted kids (that's why i ultimately left exH), we went to gigs and did urban hipster avant garde cool stuff in a post modern ironic way. Pretentious wankers basically.

I hear what they are all doing now and i cringe for them and i am happier now (i have a square DH, a lovely house outside London and 2 children). But it doesn't take away the massive kick in the swingers it was.

Yes, a very weird one - a good friend I'd known for a few years prior to DD's birth (DD is now 5). She was absolutely brilliant through some crappy times.
We probably saw each other a couple of times a month; always got on well. I last saw her in November and we had a really good laugh, no issues (as far as I could see anyway)
Not a peep since - calls ignored, emails ignored, letter ignored, FB messages read but not responded to, the works. No idea what the problem is/was, but I hope she's OK.

Happened to me just over 6 months ago and I am still at a loss as to what happened. I don't get too close to people after some bad experiences with friends when I was younger, one was physically and mentally abusive to me when I was about 11. I have friends but not the type I would randomly text something that popped into my head or spend hours chatting over a cuppa with.
This "friend" and I were very similar and got on well, we spent hours training for an event together, I supported her through an injury and signed up to events that I couldn't afford, DH had not long lost his job, still feel guilty about the lost money, and that scared us both witless (think heights and water).
We would train together 4 times a week then sit and chat afterwards. One day she brought her partner with her, she said he tagged along and was angry with him, and proceeded to run ahead without me which I thought was because he had annoyed her. When I finished they had pissed off home and she sent a text just as I walked in the door and when I didn't respond she phoned DH not me. When I looked back I realised this was where all the strangeness started but as it was gradual I didn't pick up on it to start with and started doubting MY ability instead.
I walked away after she verbally attacked my progress, after not having trained alone with me for around 6 weeks so I wasn't sure how she came to the conclusion she did other to be plain nasty and force my hand after her other tactics had failed to push me away. To be honest it was only AFTER I walked away and looked back that I put all the elements together and realised the extent of it all.
The worst thing is all the people she used to bitch to me about (and make me feel uncomfortable in the process) are the ones who she is bestest buddies with on facebook and I have not heard a peep from since so I am unsure what has been said about me.
I have learned a harsh lesson in all this and won't make the same mistake again as the fallout hurts like hell especially when I have no idea what I had done.

Some of these 'friendship groups' are about as logical and as reasonable as the groups of primates they observe in TV nature documentaries. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo, catch a monkey by the toe. One, two, three and next thing you know you're the monkey being chucked out of the tree. Can I suggest that it's probably time to forget these chimps and find some (unfortunately all-too-rare) good examples of homo sapiens to be friends with?

(Sapiens is Latin for wise/knowledgeable. Sadly not true for far too many humans).

tinybuddha.com/blog/10-reasons-to-be-okay-with-being-disliked/

I've never been cut out but I have done it to two people - although they both knew why.

First was my best friend in school. We were incredibly close, went through a lot together, I loved her like a sister. I didn't have a good relationship with my mum in those dates, so I would call her mum my adoptive mother. When we were about 15 my friend got into drugs. I disapproved so she spent more and more time with her druggy friends, and eventually I just felt like I didn't know her any more. I haven't seen her in about eight years and I still miss her badly. I have a silly hope that she will one day contact me and say she is drug free and happy and can we be friends again.

The other was a friend I met on a forum. I was bullied very badly in my mid teens and turned to the internet for company and escape. We were very close, met up fairly often, had great times together. I also got into a group (don't want to give details, but nothing sinister!) and felt accepted and part of something for the first time in years. I found out she had been planning behind my back to do a film about the group, which wouldn't show them in a good light. I haven't spoken to her since.

Part of both relationship breakdowns was my fault. I was controlling and stubborn and on the defensive after years of bullying. I hope I would be able to handle both situations better now.

I have just found out that the person who cut me off when she was pregnant will be at a mutual friend's very important birthday party next week and I can't stop shaking. I can't let him down and not go, but I have no idea how I will get through the evening. It's been almost two years since it all happened and I'm rather shocked at this reaction, as actually she's the person I feel less hurt about. I've tried telling myself that the awkwardness should be all on her part, but it doesn't really convince me.

How silly I am.

Yes. Twice. The first was 8 years ago, a misunderstanding that just grew as we both felt wronged.
The other was about 4 years ago and was due to something similar but more one sided. I eventually discovered that my friend was ashamed of her actions and assumed I'd feel the same about it as it was something she thought I'd disapprove of. It wasn't the case at all but she totally withdrew from me.
I try not to think about it as it makes me cry. It's almost like a physical pain if I see either of them. With both 'friends' we smile and say hi, and with the second friend there have been attempts at renewing our friendship but there is an awkwardness. She feels bad about how she behaved and if I'm honest I feel a little let down by her. That part is my fault, I held her in such high regard but would have understood and even helped with the initial issue in a heartbeat. What I can't understand is ditching me and my family over an assumption (she is dc godparent and was my bridesmaid).

With the first friend if I could go back in time and apologise (even though it wasn't just my fault!) I would. It could have been resolved so easily.

I miss them both.

It has happened to DH - guy he was at university with, went on holiday with and kept in touch with for years. I got on well with him, he was best man at our wedding and paid for DHs stag do!

I've not seen him since I got pregnant with ds in 2002. DH saw him once at a university reunion and there has been some sporadic contact like the very occasional Xmas card. We can only put it down to him being serially single and not wanting to be involved once we had kid(s). DH was very upset about it.

I've not had anyone abruptly cut me off, drifting apart yes.

I did lose a male friend whose then girlfriend/now wife didn't want him to have anything to do with me. They came to our wedding, I don't know what her problem was. She told mutual friends she wanted me to stay away from him. DH was always around when we met and would definitely had noticed if I'd been making eyes at him! She was just insanely jealous of anyone female - I was told she just about managed to cope with his mother. It was a shame as it ended cutting me off a small group of friends from my uni days in Germany.

Moved from abroad to London and met lovely girl on course. We had lots in common and spent a lot of time together for about eight years. She was my best friend and I loved her.

I became ill and was in hospital for some time. Afterwards, I was not sociable and probably cancelled her too often.

Some months later (nearly 20 years ago ) we met up and had a lovely evening. I never saw her again.

I tried to telephone her but she had moved and not given me her new address or number.

Years later, I found her on FB. We swapped news but it was too late - so many things had happened (marriage, children) that we did not share.

It's sad and I spent many years missing her. Finding her on FB resulted in a lukewarm "reunion" that was a sad shadow of a once wonderful friendship.

Miss her still. I doubt she thinks of me.

Happened to me within the past couple of years. I met someone at a toddler group and hit it off. I really liked her and we spent lots of time together with our DCs, has each other plus partners round for dinner etc.

Then her eldest DC started school (same school as my DS) and I realised that her texts were becoming less frequent, she didn't always respond to mine. She had recently started a new, quite demanding job so I put it down to her being busy. Then one day I happened to catch up with her on the school run to pick up DCs and in the middle of conversation she just walked off to talk to someone else about their recent night out. How bloody rude!

After that I left it a while then texted to see if she wanted to meet for a coffee, her reply? "I'm really busy with work at the moment so maybe in a couple of weeks?"

Erm.....let's not bother, eh?

I have never been cut off but i have cut people off and there is always a reason why.
Reading the experiences on here is quiet sad though, kind of makes me think maybe some didnt intentionally try to annoy me.

Was about to say what FredSaid really.

Hard as it is to hear, if someone cuts you out abruptly and without explanation there is a reason. And you should look to yourself first and foremost - I know I would. It might have been six of one etc, or they might not be being entirely reasonable but to say 'I had done nothing, it's a complete mystery' is hard to swallow.

Also from those who say 'I deserve an explanation' - no you don't really. Again, it's hard and painful but adults can do what they like and if someone doesn't want to cope with a confrontation or doesn't want to hurt your feelings by giving an explanation, fair enough. Many cutter outers on this thread have admitted, they would rather just go no contact than tell the friend they are ditching home truths because that's hurtful too!

About 25 years ago I made friends with a girl I met travelling and adored her. We were like soul mates. But after a few years of friendships, she sort of subtly drifted away from me and stopped replying or getting in touch. I realised that I'd been a right pain in the arse the last few months I'd known her - quite self pitying, a bit clingy and me, me, me. So I don't blame her at all! She did me a favour actually and taught me a lesson. I hope she's well and I wonder what she's doing now we're both nearly 50...

I have cut people off before, it's not been anything about them but has been about me - if you don't feel good enough you can cut people off for that reason.

I wonder if 'we were so close' means 'I used her to whine on about my life and offload problems all the time' without people realising that their interpretation of emotional closeness is another person's energy drain.

I think it depends on the friendship Gin. I would like to think if i had been close friends with someone for a very long time, a few months of being a pain could be endured or at least addressed. I'm sure in my case i was a bit of a drag to be around, i was going thru a divorce and redundancy, i thought that's what friends are for? Not if you are like it all the time but 6 months of a down patch etc is just the natural ebb and flow of life.

And as for 'deserving and explanation' i disagree with you there. Obviously legally people can do what they like, but it's cowardly, selfish and cruel imo to leave people hanging.

I think it's entirely reasonable for someone to say they 'had done nothing'. If someone hasn't changed their behaviour at all it is bewildering as to why this might happen. They may have always done something the other person found grating but then it got too much for the cutter offer to bear - in this case how would the friend know what it was?

I could list a load of things it could have been. But without anyone telling me it is still a mystery.

I think the bottom line is if you aren't 'brave' enough to address an issue then you don't really value the friendship anyway. I had to accept the difficult truth - they just didn't like me. And the fact i have no friends now is because people in general don't really like me. It's hard because i have done a lot of soul searching and been brutally honest with myself, i have worked on the things i didn't like and thought were 'bad traits' and yet nothing has changed. I now like myself but still have no friends.

I'm sure you're right, Gin, in that I was going through a very difficult time when my friends told me they'd had enough, and I'm sure I wasn't much fun. Believe me, I've spent a great deal of time trying to work out how I could have been a better friend, and am wary of being like that with anyone else. But I would also like to think that if a friend of mine was having a similar set of life experiences I would have tried to work it through with them before cutting them out. Maybe I'm unrealistic.

I was cut out by one of DDs mums who I had got on really well. She had had a few mc and didn't want to try again. I got pregnant after 3 ivf rounds. So she cut me out. It still makes me sad.

The others Was a group of NCT mums. I was literally cut off but very bluntly by the leader who was very drunk on a night out. I realise or suspect now that she had had to get drunK to tell me that she thought I was a poor mother. And that no one liked me. And that no one liked going to my house for coffee because it smelt funny, and was dirty and had lots of steps. I also served instant coffee.

At the time I simply thought she had had too much to drink so prepared to prepare to forgive her. And possibly laugh it off. But I was deleted from the fb group the next day. With hindsight I didn't fit in, my Dd was ill, and was going through a tough time, we were also poorer than the others, so perhaps I wasn't jolly enough. But even as a sensitive soul I had bsolutely no idea that they felt this way about me and to be confronted like this was devastating. I cried for hours.

It has left a few scars to this day, and I am very wary of female friendships now. Sometimes a gentle distancing is not such a bad thing. Ironically, some years later I often bump into one or more of them and they all look awkward but manage an embarrassed hi. I am polite back, as I don't want them to realise how much they hurt me. I thought as new mothers together we all had each other's back and I think it was at my most vulnerable they cut me out left me so distraught........

Lastlines Thu 16-Apr-15 07:51:15
I wonder if 'we were so close' means 'I used her to whine on about my life and offload problems all the time' without people realising that their interpretation of emotional closeness is another person's energy drain.

I've been wondering about ^this^ too.

The person I cut out, I'd 'seen' her on a forum talking about a mutual friend and how they were 'amazing friends'. I knew the reality was they barely stayed in touch.

serenejean that is absolutely awful. Good grief, what's wrong with people? You'd think that after all these years of women's lib we'd be able to see further than the cleanliness of each other's houses and the type of drinks we serve. You deserve so so much better, we all do on this thread. Chin up girls, and lets find some other nice souls out there!!

Serene, that is horrible. There are SO many women out there who aren't like that, I promise. Having an ill child is the sort of stress that you just can't understand if it hasn't happened to you.

Thank you...
I think it is hard to explain coherently why it still hurts many years later. Dd is much better (heart condition) , life has logically moved on etc.
The only way I can describe it is that my default position was always to like someone rather than not, and I think I lived in a bubble - that everyone who is in my life that spends time with me must like me. Obviously I was wrong.

I also think that many people are much tougher with regards to friendships than me...if it is not working they cut strings ands move on. And I think it is getting worse, perhaps because of modern life. I see it with my DDs friendship group.

I have never been like that - I am less close to people from childhood naturally but am still in touch, would still call them friends. I genuinely think the gradual distancing works better mostly. The friend who found it difficult to see me because I was pregnant and she wasn't, would have found it painful to have an actual discussion about why she couldn't see me.

Yes I totally agree with toospotty and you serenejean. I think it's the modern way and some people let go of friendships like water off a duck's back and some of us don't. I see it with my kids too and it really worries me as they are both quite sensitive and could do with some solid stable relationships at school which I don't think they're going to get. They are certainly not helped by me as I feel like I have a contagious disease at the school gates the amount of people struggling to not stand next to me! I think it's really important just to keep trying and hoping though, as you never know where you'll find friendship. It's so easy for me to say this from the comfort and anonymity of the computer, but please don't let them break you, they've probably done you a favour as the friendship just wasn't working anymore.

MrsK I like you very much. I have sent you a pm

I'm currently having CBT and we have spent A LOT of time working on the impact that something similar had on me. I am a people pleaser who will make huge efforts to be liked, so it undermined my feeble self-confidence to be, like you say, turned on by people I'd thought liked me. And of course it endorses the unlikeability to spend so much time obsessing about oneself so it's a vicious circle!