To be annoyed that expectations of me at work are different because I'm child-free?

[Lavenderice]

So I work in a team of 8 people, one is male and the rest of us are female, everyone has children apart from me. I am increasingly asked to do tasks which are other peoples responsibility because they need to happen first thing in the morning or last thing in the afternoon and other people need to school-runs or have childcare issues. This morning I had to leave 90 minutes earlier than usual to do something for somebody else because she had to take her child to school. A few weeks ago I had a similar journey because the person was heavily pregnant and "just couldn't do it". We work on flexi time so whilst we have core hours the nature of the work sometimes means we need to work extra hours, which we are credited for. This is mentioned when we are interviewed for the post but it irks me when people can't do it because they're parents.

For the record I don't mind helping out as we are an industry which naturally attracts women of child baring age and I appreciate it's difficult, but lately it seems more of an expectation than a favour.

What I don't get is why it just seems to be accepted without question that all OPs' colleagues have first responsibility for child care solely because most of them are women. Surely some at least have partners who could be expected to pull their weight some of the time?

It does seem to me that the solution is to have a duty roster so that each member of the team is expected to come in early or stay late on a regular basis and it is up to each member to make any necessary arrangements for child care on that one day. If it is regularly the case that more than one person will be called on, roster that as well.

To all those saying about swings and roundabout and flexibility... We work 12 hour shifts at my place. This year it was decided that Xmas day and boxing day would be a bit much on 12 hours since the pepole working would miss everything. It was suggested that we did the old early late shifts with the suggestion that those with kids have the late Xmas day shift so they can see the kids open their presents... cue months of complaining, begging for swaps and holiday requests (one even got the union in) because they had to have the whole day with their children. Consequently I and a handful of other childless people ended up working the 12 hours... the Facebook photos of my entire family having christmas and the playe of my dinner I heated up at 9 o'clock that night still leaves a sour taste in my mouth!

Like I said before some (but not all) people with children think everything should revolve around them.

OP - I really, really sympathise, being in a not dissimilar situation. It's pants, isn't it?

Don't have anything ultra helpful profound to say - just wanted to offer my sympathies.

Agree though with other posters about (i) get your promotion intereview over first, and (ii) don't both with the fictional granny / yoga classes etc.

I work under a similar flexi system. I do have children but Dh does the bulk of the drop offs/pick ups. I've also done a lot of late/early/not going on leave in August before the dc came along.

I find that the key to managing my time is to calender-ise everything at the stary and end of the working day - so Dr, dentists, hair cuts, school concerts, the morning after a late night, the afternoon before a late night, parents meeting etc - all blocked out as "Private Appointment" until the start of core hours.

Flexi time cuts both ways though and I will cover early starts/late finishes/nights/emergency response where Dh is home to look after the dc. Recently, I was asked to respond to an incident at 2pm - meant I wouldn't get home until very late. As DH was working locally that week and could pick up the dc, put them to bed etc, I had no reason not to.

I think you need to be a bit more assertive with your calendar.

Forget who is right/wrong. It all boils down to inefficient management.

My boss habitually makes excuses for a collegue who walks in late almost every morning because she lives miles away and has a commute with heavy traffic.

I am punctual, so can be relied upon to do the early (vital) tasks. Not fair. Sorry to hijack.

Been in that same place, OP, it stinks. I am glad to see that the vast majority of parents on here are understanding because it's amazing how many I met when I worked the corporate life who weren't and belonged to the "sorry, I'm a parent, I am therefore more important than you" brigade.

Oh and to those who seem unable to RTFT or grasp what a simple phrase means: childfree means "doesn't want children" and childless means "don't have any yet" or possibly "can't have them". Make life easier if everyone understood that!

I am childless and single. This weekend I was on the rota to work an early shift Saturday and a late shift Sunday. I was pleased because I was going out to meet a friend on Saturday night who I haven't seen for a couple of weeks.

So I wasn't very pleased to be told that ''you ARE swapping to an early Sunday''. It was just assumed that I would do it I'm sure because I have no responsibilities but it meant that I had to cut short the evening with my friend which was disappointing.

I agree you need to talk to your boss to agree some boundaries about who works extra hours. If your colleagues they are in a job where they occasionally need to work outside of core hours, they need some childcare arrangements in place to make this possible. They may need some notice but they need to be able to arrange it. For instance I start work at 10am on Mondays and Fridays but if I have enough notice I can be in earlier as my son can go to breakfast club if needed. I also pay for one extra after school session of childcare that I rarely use just to allow me to be able to stay late on some days when I usually leave work early without too much notice needed. The people at your work need to take on the "outside core hours" sometimes.

However you can console yourself with the fact that as you have decided not to have children, you will almost certainly by in a better position career wise in a few years than the majority of your colleagues. In fact you could use this as a positive in your conversation with your boss. Point out how flexible and pro-active you are and ask about promotion or work development opportunities that you might come as a result of this. If you are putting more in than your colleagues, make sure you get the recognition for it and try to use it as a positive.

Who do you think your boss will consider when it is time to consider people for promotions/ pay rises (if such things still exist)? It is a fact that the parents (generally women) that you work with will have a price to pay for their inflexibility and that will be in their career development. Whether that is fair or not is irrelevant. It isn't fair that more is expected of you than of them but instead of complaining about it ,use it as a positive in your career development.

I suppose one advantage is you might get massive pay rises and promotions if you are the one excelling and always being there. There may be an upside.

And also the post by bumblingbovine above.

In my experience, it's not necessarily the case. I have seen on a number of occasions unconscious bias towards married men and women in promotions and particularly in pay rises simply because they have a family to support.

My advice is to bide your time and to arm yourself so that you have a well structured conversation with your line manager [and theirs if necessary] about your promotion prospects and what you are looking for. The data you will collect can simply be used in the first instance to demonstrate how team oriented and flexible you are. Then if you get shafted on the promotion and want to put your foot down on your hours, you still have the data.

Lavender, you said up thread that if you hadn't gone in early a child would have missed a hospital appointment.

I think that what is more likely is that a) your manager would have gotten someone else to do it (hopefully the person whose job it actually is) and b) having realised you are not at his beck and call would start to put in place a better system to deal with flexi time.

You only have to say no a few times to break the pattern of expectation.

If you are going for promotion there will be increasing demands on your time and if you don't learn how to say no everyone will walk all over you. It's easier for them to pass their problems onto you, but if you were not there they would have to sort themselves out. This is not their preference as it is easier for them to get you to do it but it isn't impossible for them!

I don't think this should all be up to Lavender to deal with, or even managers. I think it's down to parents as well. We all have childcare problems sometimes but if someone helps us out, we should treat it as a favour, not a right.

Just don't be arses, basically.

I hope everything works out for you lavender, especially with the promotion

Good luck

I have seen on a number of occasions unconscious bias towards married men and women in promotions and particularly in pay rises simply because they have a family to support

I've never experienced married women getting more money because they were married. I've experience single men earning more than single/married women however.

*I do sigh a bit though when I keep hearing the following:

I'm working for nothing by the time childcare costs are paid (It's a joint expense, so why is 100% of it being set against your income?)
H earns X more than me so I have to be flexible (Why? Why is your career the one to suffer? What will you do when the DC are grown and it's your job and pension that's been affected because of all the years that you had to be 'flexible'?)*

Totally agree.

TOTALLY agree about the fact lower/higher earner should not make any difference.
I earn less than my dh but my job and professional reputation are JUST AS IMPORANT as his. We share any emergencies/parent duties.

Lots of couples pool their wages so if childcare costs eat up the equivalent of one wage it does seem as if that person is working for nothing. It doesn't mean that person is actually paying for all the childcare while the other partner keeps all of their oen wage.

Hi everyone. Thank you all for the great advice. I have an appointment to speak to my manager tomorrow, I'll let you all know how that goes.

Good luck tomorrow Lavenderice.

I'm another person who has no children & never had any intention of having any, and I also was the "go to" person for any awkward hours/cover for "child emergencies"/working holidays etc.

I think my breakthrough moment with one boss was when they asked me to take flexi time rather than overtime for some (more) weekend stuff (I had a weekdays office hours type job normally) and I pointed out that I had so much flexi leave saved up already that I could take the next 3 entire months off without touching my annual leave as it was, without any more. Yes I'd earned around 60 full days worth of flexi over the previous 9 months!

With another who wanted me to do both the early and late cover (well you're single, so you don't need to get home ) I remarked that my civil service contract didn't state split shifts, so if I were to take the maximum allowed for lunch (between 12 and 2 only permitted) I couldn't actually do the 8am starts AND the 7pm finishes every day.

Good luck with the meeting.

I was once expected to give up a bank holiday and go into work as I didn't have any children at the time and therefore wouldn't have any plans or need childcare.

Well only the not needing childcare bit was correct but I did actually have plans that I didn't see I should cancel in order to go to work!

They've been taking the piss a,bit, it's time they stopped.

Oh good luck OP, hope it goes well for you

I have only just read this.

Firstly I have to say you sound like a lovely SW who really does put childrens and families interests at heart.

However Yanbu. The job is flexi time with the 'expected' you may have antisocial working hours or sudden extra workload. I assume you claim these extras back off flexi time? Except - that expected overtime seems to only apply to you? Would any of the working parents ever do a 8am hospital visit or a late night shift until 11pm?

Hope your meeting with your manager goes well.

Your personal circumstances should have no bearing on expectations at work. I happen to not have any children but my private life/time is just as important as anyone else's. Same goes for time off at Christmas etc.

Allergic Go on you!

How did it go OP?