To be annoyed that expectations of me at work are different because I'm child-free?

[Lavenderice]

So I work in a team of 8 people, one is male and the rest of us are female, everyone has children apart from me. I am increasingly asked to do tasks which are other peoples responsibility because they need to happen first thing in the morning or last thing in the afternoon and other people need to school-runs or have childcare issues. This morning I had to leave 90 minutes earlier than usual to do something for somebody else because she had to take her child to school. A few weeks ago I had a similar journey because the person was heavily pregnant and "just couldn't do it". We work on flexi time so whilst we have core hours the nature of the work sometimes means we need to work extra hours, which we are credited for. This is mentioned when we are interviewed for the post but it irks me when people can't do it because they're parents.

For the record I don't mind helping out as we are an industry which naturally attracts women of child baring age and I appreciate it's difficult, but lately it seems more of an expectation than a favour.

If I hadn't been able to cover this morning a child would not have been taken to a vital hospital appointment.

so what happens for these early starts

I have a friend who's married to a teacher, her colleagues were genuinely annoyed that the person with no DCs and "could go away any time" was booking leave in the school holidays off. Yes, she could go anytime, but if she wanted to go away with her family, it had to be in the school holidays, she did point out to them that actually, they also could book leave any time of year, just that if they wanted their DCs to go with them, it would need to be in the school holidays...

Mind you, I am surprised that the last 2 school holidays on the run, DH's child-free colleague and his DB (also child-free and not a teacher so can go any time) have booked to go away so DH couldn't be off. Then complained that the hotels/beaches were full of noisy kids... (I suggested DH goes for lunch with him and writes down when the school holidays are, if he wants a cheap deal without small people splashing in the pool, he might want to think about not going away when he did as a child...)

ok so it's your sense of duty rather than your manager you can't say no to? good for you

Stealth I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not but it's not a sense of duty more like my manager knows I wouldn't have an appointment at that time of morning and expected me to do it.

Lavenderice Is there some expectation or structure of 'core hours' or something similar?

I understand that they need you to be flexible and respond when needed which might sometimes mean getting in early but surely they wouldn't expect you to be available at, say, 4am?

So, I think you'd be perfectly entitled to say, for example, I can't start before 8am and I must leave/finish work by 6pm. That way you're being flexible and working for longer either side of core hours but you're defining how you do it.

But yes I will start saying 'no' a lot more.

OP, how well do you get on with your team, and how well do the team get on as a whole? Is this something you could chat about all together?

Do individuals know they are each asking the same of you or do you think it's a case of one person thinking they're being exceptional "just this once"?

Where I work there seems to be a general understanding that parents must share the same responsibilities as everyone else (and why ever not?!) but as carers, there are times when that responsibility has to come first.

sorry no sarcasm just ipad typing so brief
I'm please people like you work in children's services

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I didn't become a parent till I was in my 40s so had years of being inconvenienced and patronised by colleagues who appeared to think that my time was less important than theirs. Looking back, it was their attitude that pissed me off the most.

I've tried very hard not to behave like that now that I'm a parent myself. When my son was small, I did sometimes ask people to cover for me but I was always very careful to thank them and reciprocate in some way.

I've no helpful suggestions I'm afraid - I just used to rage inwardly and make snarky comments which weren't very constructive. But I do sympathise

No they, wouldn't ask me to be there at 4am but I was expected to be with a child (a colleagues case, not mine) with a child
In hospital until 11pm a few weeks ago.

But only one colleague had a childcare commitment this morning? Why, out of the remaining seven colleagues, were you the only one who could possibly cover? Why do you feel it is your sole responsibility to get a child to a hospital appointment? Are your colleagues all feeling equally responsible?

Thank you stealth

Complete sympathy. I've tended to notice down the years that in large offices parents are divided into roughly two camps - those that do whatever it takes to do the job and look after the kids (which doesn't mean no flexibility for parents), and those who expect it to be all laid on and for everyone else to bend. I actually have more sympathy for the first group of parents than those without children in this regard.

What time was this appointment at? How could your manager possibly know that you didn't have a personal appointment? I try to arrange doctor/dentist appointments any time from 7.30 a.m. onwards. You might have been dropping a guest off at the airport, you might have agreed to look after a neighbour's child this morning, you might have arranged a plumber to come at 7 a.m.? How could your manager know about any of this?

Wow it's terribly unfair on you OP - I speak as an employee, employer and mother of four.

It's unacceptable.

What would they do if all 8 of you were parents?! Who would they get to do all these extra visits etc etc? Someone would have to pick up the slack?

How about asking for an informal meeting (for all of you) and you explaining your grievance and concern in a conversational, unofficial way - hoping the penny will drop and they will see your POV?

And/or suggesting different flexible hours for different members of the team so at least all hours are covered? They can't all expect to work 9.30-4.30. And maybe some would actively want, say, a 8am to 3pm shift.

At the very least I would expect renumeration and/or job title change but I do understand that you are very stretched as it is and are unlikely to achieve that in the current climate.

the way I understand it is that there's nothing stopping the op lying and saying she has a dentist appointment other than the thought that if she does she'll let a child down. it's very hard when you kow something needs doing and no one else is volunteering not to just do it. happens to me all the time and I work with spreadsheets!

The appointment was at 8am, my manager knew I would have to leave at 6.45 to get there in time.

Only on page 2, so far, but, as I understood that, if out-of-hours working was required, it was meant to be evenly distributed over all who had that in their contracts. Certainly, this is how it operated where I worked previously. Also, presumably, these are recurring responsibilities (like the daily shool drop-off) rather than more infrequent ones (like a Parents' Evening) meaning they could reasonably have been expected when they took up the role. I think it reasonable for flexible working to allow attendance at the rare events but it seems very off for ordinary things to be used as an excuse.

I agree there is a tendency to value child-free female employees' time less. I have had similar experiences and learning to say "no" is definitely the way forward. Don't feel you have to think of something equally "worthy" either (eg Doris' doctor's appointment!) I find stock MN phrase "sorry, that doesn't work for me" very effective!

I have been in both positions (my ds is only 18mo so i can remember pre-ds time still quite clearly).

It's not on if it becomes a habitual thing, some times the others WILL have to lean on their partners or other emergency childcare. And sometimes you have to say no. If I were you i'd probably say no one time in four or five just out of principle. Your employer cannot demand to know what you have to do at 7am before work one morning, just say you have a to deal with a personal matter.

However, please don't think that the working parents saying they can't stay late are living the high life. I would often kill to be able to stay at work another hour or so, rushing off to pick ds up from nursery leaves stuff hanging and my head scrambled with unfinished tasks and issues which are hard to forget about till the next day even with a mad toddler to care for. It's not easy leaving early for childcare reasons. Something I didn't really appreciate before I was in the situation.

Ah right, I see. But I think it's perfectly reasonable of you to have said to your manager, of course I'll be as flexible as I can to make sure that child goes to hospital but I won't be able to leave my house before, say, 7.30am.

That way you're being flexible but you can set the parameters.

miseumum I would never think that, believe me, working in a small close-knit team I know exactly how hard it is for them!

*understood it