To wonder why some older people resist moving into retirement homes

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

Quite a few of my friends have parents who are getting to the stage where they could do with moving out of the family home. Their family home is too big, too expensive to run, garden is too big etc.

I don't know a single friend whose parents or parent made a simple decision to move. Most have stayed in their massive houses getting more and more isolated and lonely.

It's never really clear why they won't move though.
A friend is a physio and says she sees loads of older people in housing that is no longer right for them wishing they had moved earlier?

Anyone any idea why people stay in their old home when it's no longer sensible?

Care in the community doesn't really exist. Carers are expected to spend 15-20 mins at each house bid it. In that 20 mins they might need to shower somebody, make them breakfast, give them medicines, wash the commode, change the bedding. The govt haven't put nearly enough money into caring for people in their own homes and that is the main problem. They would rather wait until it's too late and then the person goes into a nursing home at prohibitive cost (which the council has to pay if the cared for has no financial means). Maybe more people would move to retirement flats if they felt they would get a good level of care when the time comes that they need it. But what is the point in the upheaval of moving if you won't get good care when required anyway?

I live in a flat, it's very quiet and I like it just fine.
Conversions can be problematic though!

Not having your own front and back door after decades of living in a house, dealing with neighbours on top of you, below you, on all sides, lack of parking, restrictions on guests, restrictions on even pegging out, satellite dishes, etc. Gees, who on Earth would want that?

mum moved into a flat, they were in sheltered housing, most of the residents were like her, elderly, had a nap during the day, had the telly on too loud as they were a bit deaf so noise from next door wasnt an issue really

its hard getting older folk to move and easy to understand why they dont want to.

true, but one has to be pragmatic, we would no doubt all like to live in more salubrious accommodation, but we have to cut our cloth according to our needs and our means

expat, mum couldnt walk in and out to the garden like she used to so that wasnt a huge issue, also she never drove, she couldnt hang up washing outside anyway and didnt have guests

in her case the sheltered flat was great and she died in it and I know she died happy, the wardens were lovely.

pragmatism and old age dont go together!!

In Scottish cities its absolutely normal to live in a flat, and not considered to be a downgrade for many.

There's just no solution to the problem of caring for the elderly. My gran had to take in and look after her own great aunt, which was absolutely horrific for her. She always said don't ever let me be a burden like that.

But she just didn't see herself as getting old, and made no plans. In the end my gran had to have her house sold and move into a care home, which she hates.

I just think it's easy to say that we should plan for old age. But many people like my gran are vigourous and independent well into their eighties, perhaps even caring for neighbours etc. But then they can lose their health very rapidly, at which point they can no longer make decisions for themselves or eg clear their own homes.

Sadly for my gran her family all lived in other cities, and her local friends all predeceased her. So she now lives in a care home in a 'strange' city. But there's no workable alternative. None of us saw it coming, not even my mum.

pragmatism and old age dont go together!!
dont they:(
but isnt that patronizing?

Are we all doomed to get ditsy and daft?
I thought people got older and wiser, learned from experience etc.

or do we polarize
The feckless become absolute liabilities and the sensible just get on with life sensibly and not causing any fuss?

Some people do live happily in their own homes and then pop their clogs after a short illness. It's more likely that they will be able to do this in a suitable, manageable home but that doesn't necessarily mean a retirement home or assisted living.

I suppose people gamble that they will fall into this category rather than planning to live in a 'home'.

DH & I downsized from our family home over 2 years ago - I am very fit in my 50s but dh is in his 70s has severe mobility issues and other health problems and I saw it as jumping before being pushed. We have an ordinary bungalow in our local area with no steps to front and back doors so totally wheelchair accessible if needed. Near to buses/shops/doctor/hospital - all essentials when getting older. People need to move before the need arises - also gave us the chance to sort through belongings and just take what we needed. Hopefully our next move will be feet first!!

bumblingbovine49

Please read the thread before commenting. It's been pointed out many many times that a retirement home is not a care home.

When I said retirement home I meant housing built for the over 65s (that's the age limit these complexes often use themselves I am not saying you are automatically old at 65).

It's a flat, one or two bed in an block. It is your home you can cook your meals, close the curtains and wander about naked if you want.
But there is a warden (often part time) to help and communal areas to help with the social side of things.

Where I live they are built near shops, and transport links as people sometimes lose their ability to drive as they age.

A huge issue of old age is loneliness, this could help.

no its not patronising, its being aware of the reality after watching your parents age and caring for them for years

"The main but that annoys me is the "wanting to keep their independence" thing. In reality this often means relying in family to care for the home and the elderly relative. "

This what annoys me about MIL too. She isnt independent even now although outwardly OK, still drives locally and goes out on her own to town.

She just cant do simple stuff around the home. She barely cooks. She barely cleans. She goes up the road to bother a next door neighbour whenever she needs a light bulb changing. She cant get a train to our house because she is frightened she might get on the wrong train. Cant use the internet. Can manage stairs with a struggle but give it two years and she wont. Calls DW and BIL the minute anything slightly complicated happens.

She is insisting on seeing solicitor with DW and BIL next week to explore ways as she says 'stay in my home but avoid the council taking my money if I go into care'.

There is a really nice sheltered housing just 4 minutes walk up he road where many of her friends live. She is basically selfish and demands people run around after her. She knows exactly what he situation is and she and her friends talk about it.

My DW has even talked about taking a job in MILs town so she can stay with MIL during the week. Mentioned it to MIL last week and MIL's face lit up.

I said nothing but can see DW and BIL being slowly roped in.

Super

Couldn't agree more

My neighbours in this block of four flats are pretty good, we're all disabled so the worst that happens is emergencies with health. I did have one neighbour die in the night, which was awful as I was first on scene to support her daughter who found her and was in shock. And my neighbour upstairs has lung cancer, so when he had breathing difficulties I had to call an ambulance. I was preparing myself for recovery position and mouth to mouth at one point I was so concerned.

Other than that, it's quiet and it's peaceful here. I have a flower bed outside instead of a garden, which I guess is more manageable. I can totally understand wanting to keep independence, I try not to be a burden for family, and I think they are pretty understanding.

I am only in my thirties so I am not sure how comparable sheltered housing is with nursing and care homes, but I arranged direct payments and employed a carer of my own, so staying at home is possible except in worst case scenario.

I used to live in a lovely flat. All on my own with the occasional gentleman caller. It was great. I miss it. Wouldn't have worked for me as an old laydee, mind, as it was on the first floor, but it was fairly terrific.

My parents' situation has really booted me into realising that it's something you need to plan for way, way ahead of time.

I'm all for older people wanting to stay in their own homes, as long as they are willing to pay for carers and gardeners etc, and not guilt trip family into doing it all for free when they often have hundreds of thousands in the bank.

My parents paid for help, but finding reliable people does take time and is not cheap. But still, it was a good sight cheaper than a care home would have been and enabled them to live out their last years reasonably comfortably.

No problem with planning ahead and thinking about what kind of property you might need as you get older. Still scratching my head at the idea of everyone over 60 living together....

my nan died just weeks after being told she was being moved to a care home, the thought of moving out of the home she had owned for over 50 years is what I believe killed her, nothing was found to have caused her death but she was heartbroken.

My Mum and I are facing this with my Grandmother. very large bungalow with huge garden, won't downsize but leaves all the maintenance and upkeep to me and Mum. Won't pay for any care so we have to do it all. She is 95, we both work and to be honest we are at out wits end and worn out from looking after a doubly incontinent old lady who won't do anything to help herself

In my PIL case they would need to drastically declutter their lives. Lots of stuff kept "just in case" (4 bed house with attic and cellar and huge lounge). It'd be too much for them to cope with emotionally I think.

Re: elderly parents moving in with adult DCs- we have sort of done this. (We moved in with my df)

He's in his 70s, doesn't need care- drives to shops everyday etc. it's better than I thought it would be but I can see why it won't work for everyone.

-he smokes like a chimney and as it's his home we can't tell him to stop

-he has the tv on so loud it keeps us up at night

-he can't be trusted to babysit as he has more naps than a baby!

-he refuses to throw out his old clutter so we live in a chaotic mess!

-he doesn't wash as often as he should and can be smelly- he leaves his door open and the smell reeks out-boak

Because they don't want to? (or is that too obvious?)

Why should they move if they don't want to, just because someone else thinks it's a good idea.